Sunday, September 13, 2009

How many times can I break 'til I shatter?

Bet ya'll are kind shocked to find me posting and not all "away from my blog" because I'm with Trooper. Well guess what? I'm here to tell you about the date that didn't happen. And I'm not with Trooper. And I'm not "WITH" Trooper, either. Ya'll get my drift, right? And yeah, this is a long post, but read to the end to get the whole story. Go get food and drink to make this more interesting, preferably chocolate and booze of some sort; a Cosmo if you're feeling "Maggie"!

Ten days went by before that man called me. At first I thought I had another Man Vanishing Act- if you read my old blog you know about the six month relationship that ended when the guy never showed up at my house again and had moved away... With Trooper, I hadn't talked to him, really talked in about 10 days, and the text messages were sporadic and scattered and then faded into non-existence. I figured he was pulling a vanishing act. One week Trooper and I are talking and texting and laughing with each other and have plans for a fabulous weekend together (today would be part of that) and the next thing I know he won't answer an email, the phone, a voice mail, or a text message. Nothing for 10 days until Wednesday night.

FURTHERMORE!!!!! Because I knew he was nervous about dating (apparently I didn't know JUST HOW nervous until Wednesday night) I wasn't gonna write him off even though he pretended I didn't exist for 10 days. He said last week (and a few times before that) he was nervous about dating so I was going to wait and hope he called on Friday and say he would be meeting me in Northern Civilization. And I would've met him and pretended like it wasn't odd I hadn't heard from him for ten days. I would not have given him any grief at all because I would've assumed he figured out whatever was bothering him. If he came to me, then I knew it would all be okay. It didn't work out that way, in case you haven't figured it out yet.

MOREOVER!!! For 10 days I wondered what the hell was going on as the silence stretched around us. I was giving him the benefit of the doubt. He could be... dead. That would be a good reason for him to not call back. Or someone close to him in his family could be dead. Or he could be in the hospital in a coma. Or there could be some sort of natural disaster which knocked out cell service and phone lines and the Internet in the greater Wisconsin area for the last week and a half so he didn't know I've called or texted or emailed. Or someone could've stolen his cell phone, computer and answering machine so he doesn't know how to reach me. Or he could've been in a freak accident and is now blind and deaf. (BTW- according to many Google searches, none of this stuff was true...)

I thought the 'ignoring me' thing could be revenge. Three years ago when Trooper and I first met and when I wasn't very nice to him, I ignored him. I was mean to him on the phone and wrote a nasty blog post about him and then when I calmed down and cooled off, I was really embarrassed and didn't know what to say, thinking if I did call he would chew me out and make me feel worse. And then too much time passed to call and so I never called him, but we found our way back to each other to be friends. But because I did ignore him, I guess this could be his revenge. "Revenge is a dish best served... by absentia"? But that just doesn't seem like him, being mean and spiteful. And I've apologized for the ignoring him thing a million times over and he told me over and over again I was forgiven so it seems strange he would do the same thing to me. (Okay, and he wasn't ignoring me... he was building courage to tell me bad stuff, which you can learn about in more details if you keep reading.)

I thought his silence said: "no I don't want to date you, no I don't want to see you in Northern Civilization this weekend and do all the cool things you had specially planned for me, no I don't want to go to a Colts game with you, and no, really, your friendship means nothing to me, either and I never wanted to stay friends with you even if the romance didn't work which is why I decided to totally ignore you and pretend you no longer exist."

But all these "what ifs", these random thoughts, these wonderings were all for naught because he called. (And because he FINALLY called, he ruined a perfectly good post I'd written about him disappearing. I sent him a copy of it later... yeah, I'm evil.) And the long and the short of it is....Trooper's scared. Of women. Of dating. Of being hurt. Of dating me and having me hurt him. He was hurt so much by his ex that he just isn't sure he can do this, date me, see me, (or any other woman, he says) and he needs some time to think it through and figure out what he wants.

He says there's no one else.

He says I'm great and wonderful and he doesn't deserve me and he's sorry for hurting and disappointing me.

He says it's not me, it's him. (I hate Seinfeld.)

He says he can't give me any answers to the "whys" I have.

I suggested that he at least see me this weekend to decide fairly. I couldn't understand why he wanted to "end" something that hasn't even started. I wanted to know what the difference was between now and when we were together a month ago. He didn't have any answers, just apologies and compliments. I didn't ask for a commitment, or anything serious. I just thought it was a date....................... He said he could't do it, didn't want to lead me on.

I think deep down it might've been easier if he disappeared because then I could be mad at him.

I think deep down he already has some serious feelings for me since we've been friends for years and now he's scared because he knows I'm reciprocating.

I think deep down he so very much wants to do this but doesn't want to risk getting hurt; being alone is a sure way of not being hurt. I can't give him guarantees. But I can wait while he figures it out. Right?

One thing that just drives me batty is the whole "quitting" before we could see if we could date, let alone anything else. Part of me regrets seeing him a month ago. Part of me regrets opening my mouth about having a crush on him. Part of me regrets opening my heart a tiny bit (the regret is huge, the heart was open a tiny bit- needed to explain the modifier rather than re-write the sentence.) Or am I just hurt so I feel regretful?

Okay, so I'm not gonna beat a dead horse here. (Where in the HELL did that horrid expression come from, anyway?) I might post again tomorrow on the concept of trust and why I seem to be lacking some these days. And should he not be a gutless, yeller -bellied, lily livered, coward jerkface and decide to at least give what's left of this weekend a try, I'll fill ya in.

So for 10 days he was trying to sort it out and didn't have any luck. He wasn't ill, infirmed, dead, crippled, suffering from the onslaught of a natural disaster or a smiting from a god or two. He was just scared.

For those of you keeping score, we had two dates. Hell, they weren't even dates- just 2 "whatevers", three years apart (though we had dinner together 3 times in Oct. 2008. Do these count as dates? I bought my own food and drink. I don't think it counts.). Why I thought I was anything special to him is beyond me- obviously I had a HUGE attack of the stupids. I was... am... his friend, I guess. Hey, Trooper and I didn't have anything "extra" special, just the makings of another nothing love story, like everyone else. Nothing special, nothing special, nothing special... I wasn't a Princess and he was no knight. Just turns out instead that I kissed yet another toad.

Oh hell, I don't believe that at all. He is special and I do care for him. And we can have something special and good. It isn't, wasn't, won't be, nothing. He is Prince Charming. I was just ranting because I haven't had enough booze.

He said he was sorry and I was great and all........... He said he needs time but if he can sort it out, a few weeks or months down the road, and he feels he is ready to do this, he would give he and me a shot so maybe I was "special"? Or that's just what guys say when they don't want a girl who wants them?

I know that if he decides he wants to do this, I'm all in. My feelings haven't changed. And since I've been "crushing" on him for many, many months now, if he calls and says, "let's do this, darlin'" I'm in. I gotta.

And Oh great goddess, I so, so, so miss him calling me "darlin'." (Wonder if he could call me at least once a week to just whisper good-night and call me darlin'?)

But in the meantime, my heart hurts a bit.... and I missed seeing him.

Right now I'm done looking for Prince Charming because he's either dead, gay, or will just need killin',


Bragger said...

My heart hurts for you! I would love to send you some chocolate. I can't send booze through the mail. Send me your snail mail address (and your last name - I can't remember) so I can at least send you a birthday card when it's time. :(

Maggie said...

Thank you Bragger.... i appreciate the thought. It just... sucks!

(And I'll send you the snail mail addy! thanks in advance for the card. I think that's cool!)

Shan said...

Boo! Boo! ( I said that like a very old witch.) Men are a difficult and delicate animal. I really hope Trooper takes a little time and works out his issues and that you will find a happy diversion from the ice cream and the frozen relationship blues-especially with a birthday on the horizon. :(
Hope this week has a bright spot.

Maggie said...

Shan- I hope as he thinks it all over he comes to the conclusion I want him to draw! :)

and i hope the birthday can bring good times. i hope. my birthdays usually have a way of being something bad, in all reality so i worry...