Monday, September 14, 2009

I wish it wasn't that easy for me

It’s hard to become good at leaving, but I think I am. I’ve done enough of it in my life. And leaving seems to come easy to me. This isn’t to say that I don’t have connections, but leaving and wanderlust and discontent seem to go hand in hand with leaving.

I taught college, my first teaching job and when I left, it was so sad. The students and faculty gave me a farewell party and said their good-byes. I still miss those kids, those people and that particular job. I felt like I belonged. I miss the camaraderie with my colleagues.

I also left my family and moved to the Wild West. I knew I would be back to see them, but initial good-bye was hard. I left everyone and everything and no matter who you are, me included, or what dream I was following, I couldn’t help but have second thoughts and twinges of guilt.

Leaving doesn’t just mean leaving a place or a job. Leaving is just a parting, a saying good-bye to a person you may or may not ever see again. When my mother died I said good-bye forever. When I left the Wild West, I left kids, my students, who I knew I would never see most of again. When I said good-bye to AlaskaSam in DC many years ago, awash in tears and standing at the airport terminal, watching his limo pull away, I never knew that would be the last time I would see him, so far.

More recently I said good-bye to an old friend, a lover, a possible future… It was in a parking lot, and we kissed and chatted. I was calm on the outside and frantic on the inside that this connection might not last, no matter how much I wanted it. For the first time in a very long time that I can even remember, I didn't want to leave, didn't want to say good-bye, didn't want to break a connection.

But we both got into our automobiles and I drove away first, holding my breath, forcing myself to not look back, willing my fingers to not call Trooper on the cell phone. I drove away, hating that I was so good at leaving.



Beth Dunn said...

I've always liked being the first to go so I did not have to watch others leave and feel sad. When I go I feel excited. But maybe it is a good sign you did not want to say good bye? xoxo

Curley said...

Wow! Can't get my breath. So well written. I want to cry. I have hope for you.

Maggie said...

Beth- i think it could be a good sign... it's a scary one, regardless.

Curley- thanks you for the compliment and I'm sorry i made you want to cry! :(

And everyone, no idea why the font is the way it is. Can't fix it either... damn computers!