Thursday, June 27, 2013

Show me a mother and I'll show you a liar

Mothers are liars. We are. We say there's nothing to be afraid of, we say there aren't monsters, that things that go bump in the night are nothing to be afraid of. Thunder is angels bowling, we encourage the belief in Santa and the Easter Bunny, we say having an imaginary friend is okay, that words will never hurt, that it will all be okay in the morning... mothers are liars.  And what are the alternatives?

There are things to be afraid of and I can't kiss it make it better. I can't wrap my child in cotton batting and protect him from all the evils in the world. It's not right and not fair. He's 20 years old and should be an adult and ready to battle evils because he's a grown up, right?

Motherhood is hard. There's no handbook or instructions. Oh there's plenty of things we are NOT SUPPOSED to do, obviously but what about all the grey areas? How do we handle those?

We lie because it's an act of protection, really, a way to preserve innocence, to stave off the hurts we know life will hand over someday. Then it happens- our child becomes wise to our game. And we are no longer the center of his universe. Anyone with a child older than 15 years old knows that moment when the jig is up. We have been discovered. Now we're given the evil eye. We're the enemy. We're no longer the sun but just another star. We can't fix everything, maybe we can't fix anything. And the things that need fixing are big- bigger than our mother magic- and we have to sit idly by and watch.  We call this a time of letting them make their own mistakes, of trying things on their own, of earning trust, of giving them enough rope but not letting them hang themselves.  It's really just a time when the monsters are bigger the words are meaner and the child is smarter.

I have no conclusions nor answers; readers can come to their own. Nor am I looking for any. Right now this is the stuff straight out of my brain, unfiltered, unrated.

Being a mother is hard and it never ends. And no matter how many lies I told, sometimes I wish it were that easy now so I could use my mother magic and make the monsters go away and the words not hurt.

If it were only that simple,

Monday, June 24, 2013

And the reason for being mean is???????

I'm still yammering about the relationship shit. That officially what I'm calling it.

What I don't understand is why are people mean to each other to an extreme in a fight? Or when a relationship is ending?  Say there's no one having an affair, and no one is physically/ mentally/ emotionally/ verbally abusing each other. No one is committing crimes.

Say, in the relationship someone is hurt, or one person just doesn't to be in the relationship any more. Maybe they grew apart or fallen out of love or don't share the same goals and dreams. Maybe it just ISN'T WORKING. There are no kids involved, no property to divide, or assets to split, no living together, no joint purchases.

These are 2 people who love(d) each other so why are people so mean. Why is there yelling or name calling? Why is there a fight?

Seriously, if these 2 people loved each other once. If you love them and want to best for them then why hurt each other? And though one person may not WANT it to be over, if you love the other then wouldn't you want them to be happy? And if being out of the relationship makes them happy, then let them go without an ugly scene.

Maybe everyone can't be friends later. Who cares? There's no reason for mean and ugliness. Just let it be over. Move on. My guess both parties are hurting. My guess ending it isn't easy for anyone. Make it easy. If people love each other why hurt each other? Why make each other miserable? Why not have some mutual respect for decisions that are being made even if they're not what everyone wants?!?

And this is why I'm dreading this whole relationship ending debacle.


Sunday, June 23, 2013

I hate unhappy endings

Relationship shit thoughts continued from yesterday's post:

As of the writing of this post, still no contact. Again, feels like I'm tempting fate even saying that.

Anyway, I'm thinking if I'm still mad 8 days later, that's not a good sign.

I'm thinking if after three years of this fighting bullshit, non-sense we still can't get it right, then we really have no business being together.

I'm thinking if I'm thinking the above 2 thoughts, then we probably REALLY shouldn't be together.

Do I love him? Yes. Can I keep doing this? No.

When we're good, we're amazing. But otherwise, it just sucks. Sucks big time. Mad sucks, hurt sucks. I know long-distance relationships are not easy, even though we have it easier than most since we see each other Thursdays- Sundays every week, and all school holidays and vacations. I know it hasn't been easy because I can't find a full time job that is either a good fit for me or that has health benefits in the capital city where he lives; neither of us dreamed a year later I'd still be commuting. But we are. He thinks it's old and tedious. While I'm not thrilled with the arrangement, it is what it is and I'm trying to change it to the best of my ability, yet to no avail.

Now is decision time. Officially break up? Stay? See if it's fixable one more time?

It's probably at an end. And I hate the end part because it's usually so ugly. I have stuff at his place that I want, and I know ending a three year relationship will involve a conversation or 2, I'm sure. those are never fun.

I hate all that comes with that shit. The eventual fight, the getting of the stuff. Worrying if he's going to be nasty about it or do something revengeful. Then there's the whole being alone again at age 41 years. That's an interesting psychological game in my own head- is staying with the devil you know better than either the devil I don't or being alone, never meeting anyone. the whole "he's not that bad overall" and "when things are good, it's great and we don't fight that much." Those sorts of thoughts. *bangs head on keyboard*

I know I need to make the final decision. And do that needs to happen. I hate that part.


Saturday, June 22, 2013

First rule of fight club is "don't talk about fight club"; I'm a rule breaker

I've dated a guy on and off for the last three years. Actually it will be off and on for 3 years at the end of this month. When it's been "off" it's usually very off and when on, it's like the adult equivalent to "candy-land" or like Disney Land or something.

Then last Sunday this Sam got all pissed off over something stupid. It really was something stupid. I said I'd call at a specific time and didn't. I was busy and I forgot. I know that's terrible but I did. I didn't forget HIM, I just forgot to call at an agreed upon time. Then he called me an hour later, and without thinking I said I had forgotten and explained what distracted me. He "seemed" slightly irritated and maybe a tiny bit hurt but we talked like normal and all seemed well.

Until 3 hours later when he called and unloaded everything single thing on his mind that he felt was wrong with our relationship and with me.

I was pissed. Usually, I'm sad or hurt and apologetic (I don't know why... we can analyze that later) and those feelings get in the way but this time I was pissed.  I'll spare you all the gory details, mainly because it's stupid and a long drawn out "he said then I said" non-sense. Bottom line,t his time I was pissed as Hell and I let him know it. And I let him have it.

I do not understand why, if someone is in a romantic, serious relationship and have an argument they have to do the following:
  • bring up shit that had nothing to do with the issue at hand
  • lie (or say one thing a month ago but come to find out you never felt that way and are telling me now)
  • bring up things that you resent and that have nothing to do with the issue at hand
  • answer a question with a question
  • pick the fight and then try to blame the other person for it
  • talk in circles to avoid speaking of your own feelings
  • character assassination
All relationships are not perfect. People are not perfect. People in romantic relationships will argue and perhaps even fight but I don't get this whole "throw in everything under the sun" mindset of fighting.

So, I was mad and just spewed. I didn't try to be the compromise-r or the peacemaker or the great communicator. I didn't try to mediate. (You may wonder how I  can mediate a disagreement I'm in. Example: in a past fight with him I've actually said things like "Remember, we've agreed to not call names", "Use 'I' statements instead of 'you'" or "Be constructive and not purposely hurtful". Oh yeah, I said that shit.) I just sank to his level and said what was on my mind. It ended with him hanging up on me. I went to bed.

Monday night he called to try and talk and I was still pissed. And let him know it in no uncertain terms. I have no idea if he wanted to see if I settled into my normal routine so he could be pissy or if he wanted to apologize but I was still mad. I was pissed over the stupidness of the fight in the first place, over what he said, over the CONTENT of the fight, and pissed at him & myself over at how I've behaved in the past. He sort of apologized which I didn't feel was good enough.

Tuesday we sent pissy emails back and forth during the day. He said the fight of was his fault and I let him know it was and continued to pummel him with my same message of the last 2 nights- of WHY I was pissed. I used lots of capital letters. I half expected another long drawn out phone call that night and was exhausted at the mere thought. (I wanted to make sure I didn't acquiesce just because I was exhausted over it all.) WELL!! Not to worry!

Since those nasty emails we exchanged on Tuesday, I've not heard from him. (I'm almost afraid to type that here because it's like tempting fate or poking the bear with a stick.) At all. 5.5 days. And I'm okay with that.

No this silence can't last, I'm sure. The thing is, I don't want to talk. I'm still PISSED. I mean, really REALLY still pissed. I'm shocked. I'm not someone who usually is mad for a long time. Really. If I lose my temper at all, it's usually a quick flare, then I feel terrible about being mad and then have to fix it.I don't hold grudges. But still one week post fight, heading into day 8, I am mad still. Fed up. Angry.

That is not a good sign.

My Photographer friend says when he and I are good, we are excellent and when we're in a bad place, it's usually pretty  bad, and it's usually his fault.

I don't know. That's it for now. I'll keep everyone posted.

Maggie the Mad

Friday, June 14, 2013

Fender Bender Blues

I told ya I got a brand new car last November, right? A Chevy Cruz I named Ms. Hepburn? Well, Ms. Hepburn was hospitalized!

I was headed to the State Capital City on a Friday night. In a construction zone. In the middle of a thunder storm. Merging onto the Interstate. In rush hour traffic. Oh yes, no wonder! With all these elements in place, of course there was a fender bender. The guy behind me was following too closely or wasn't paying attention in the stop/ start traffic and when i hit the breaks, he didn't; he hit me! Not only did he hit me, he hit me so hard it pushed me into the car in from of me! I was the filling in a car wreck cookie!

Everyone was fine. No ambulance was needed. i was also happy Giles wasn't riding shotgun that day! No one ended up claiming injury later.

Thankfully the dude who hit me had insurance which covered my car repairs! Yay! And the cost of a rental car- also yay!

I still was very sad that my NEW car was whacked.

Thankfully it was all cosmetic. And yes I know it could've been lots worse. My car took the brunt of the whole thing, too. The guy who hit me had a super crappy, old SUV and it looked like the bumper might've been slightly askew. The guy I was pushed into was also in a crappy SUV and it dented his bumper a little,

Ms. Hepburn needed new bumpers- front and rear, new hood and trunk, grill, 3 side panels and a whole bunch of other stuff. It was actually drivable after the accident, believe it or not. All three of use drove our vehicles away. And it didn't break a single light (head, tail, break, etc) on my car. I was just crunchy.

I called my insurance guy from the wreck site while waiting for a cop to arrive. I had his mobile number so I was happy to have hi guidance in all this.

And I got Ms. Hepburn back from the garage yesterday and she's all new and shiny again. And the new car smell is back!

One thing that was NOT covered by insurance- all my bumper stickers. They were all ruined and are gone. Damn insurance!

Maggie (and Ms. Hepburn)

Thursday, June 13, 2013

Thursday morning= weather chaos!

9am today:
Our power went out last night about 10:45pm and it was a huge storm, or series of storms here in the Midwest. The day's temp had climbed to 91 degrees so even though it was almost midnight, it was HOT! Power out means we had no AC so it was hot and sticky. It was impossible to have the windows open because of the rain- it was actually blowing horizontally so sleep was a huge mess between the lightening, thunder, wind, rain and heat.

I finally fell asleep around 1 am and woke up early - still no power. I took a super-fast luke warm shower and got dressed. I was really early for me, around 6:45am. I called work to see if the school had power-we did- so I packed all my hair supplies thinking I would style it when I arrived- otherwise I was dressed and ready.

I took the dog outside for his morning constitution and there was a huge branch across the drive way and another one in the ally. I moved both of those and loaded my stuff in my car. Ugh- Electric garage door opener!! I had to use the manual pull and lift the door, which was heavy and took 4 tries.

And that's when I saw the gutter problem. And a huge tree in our front yard split down the middle. Uh-oh... Dad came out the door at that time and I pointed out the tree. He asked if I would stay home to help him so I called the boss and left a message about the damage. Dad and I tackled  trees first. Thankfully the split tree in the front yard wasn't. An enormous branch from a tree across the road was thrown into our tree giving it the illusion it was split! Yay!

While dad worked to clean up the rest of the debris, I called the roof guy because the stormed ripped up some of his new roof that just went on 2 weeks ago! A gutter was torn off. Furthermore, a corner chunk of the house is damaged where another loose piece of gutter is hanging. We were afraid to rip it off that it would pull part of the house off, leaving a hole in the master bathroom and closet, if we pulled it off- we think- so it's still hanging there.

Dad took pictures while I called the roof guy and the electric company. The roofer said he would get there today,  and there's not ETA of reconnection of power from the Energy Company for our neighborhood. And of course all our house phones are cordless so the house phone isn't working; neither is the coffeepot.

I finally left for work and my car made a "thump thump thump really fast" noise from the rear passenger side. I went directly to the garage and the body shop manager drove it around. Apparently I had tree debris caught up in the wheel well. So, the car seems to be fine...

I finally got to work, and walked in only 15 minutes late even though I was originally going to be an hour early. Until I went outside..

I did my hair in the library!

Dad has his cell phone and will keep me posted of insurance/ roof/ electricity/ more storm/ etc.

And I am very thankful that no one was hurt. There's so much weather related tragedy in our country of late that I do know how luck we are. I don't mean to sound ungrateful. It still was a sucky way to start the day!

Still no power.

Roofer arrived and is fixing it! He also removed the dangling gutter and didn't cause a huge hole!

Can't reach the insurance company because they are still without power.

Dad found gutter fixer guys who are coming tomorrow morning!

2:03pm UPDATE!

Will try the insurance company again!

So, how is YOUR day?

Wednesday, June 12, 2013

At the end of a lonely street called Heartbreak...

I've had my heart broken more times than I can possibly think about in one sitting. Sometimes I think I've had my heart broken more times than I deserve, actually. Some because I make bad man choices and other times when it all seems right, even now after years of reflection, it still doesn't seem to make a lot of sense with some break ups. But I certainly know what heartbreak feels likes; it's not a stranger.

So it was a bittersweet moment with Mac got his first real girlfriend. I knew the odds of her being "the one" for his entire life were slim but on the other hand I was happy that he had a girlfriend. It was his first serious relationship and he is an adult (Okay he's 20 yrs old. By law that's an adult, but it doesn't SEEM like he's an adult!). In my experience with first love comes a first heartbreak, usually, at some point.

She was sweet and he really liked her. They had been just friends for about a year and then started dating. They dated for 4 months (maybe more but I'm not sure when 'friend' became 'girlfriend' since he doesn't live with me any more!).

And yesterday she broke up with him. She was was mean and bitchy about it, according to Mac (I wasn't there to witness this, of course!).

No heartbreak I've ever experienced is like the heartbreak you have in watching your child have his heart broken. First love gone. I feel devastated for him. He flip-flops between mad and sad, angry and "screw her" and wanting to cry to saying "it's no big deal". Deep down I know it's hurting him.

And there's nothing mom can do to make this better. 

Mac's Mom,

Saturday, June 8, 2013

Letter writing hobby

Lately I've been "into" mail art.

Several months ago I went to a letter writing social and mail art work shop. We invaded a bookshop with our writing supplies and art supplies and went to work. The goal was to hand write letters to people for the first hour. (We could also use the old fashioned manual, antique type writers). Nothing "electronic".

The second part of the workshop was to create designer envelopes. And this includes everything- rubber stamping, paper-folding, washi tape, stickers, coloring, painting-- you name it, it was fair game.

We also learned of the USPS mailing restrictions!

So I tried. What I found interesting was one of the workshop facilitators showed us examples of mail she had received and this stuff was super cool- it looked like no mail I've ever received. Then she showed us a few web sites of people who were looking for fellow lovers of letter writing or mail art. Ah-ha! I've waxed poetic for years about the art of letter writing being a dying art and now I've discovered fellow letter writers? A whole society of letter writers? A guild of letter writers? Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeellllll, OF COURSE I signed up!!!!

I also went home and did research and, people, mail art is a serious THING. It's an art movement. really. Not kidding! Google Images mail art. Also go read about it here (yes I know it's wiki but it's actually good info!)

And I've received some very amazing pieces of mail art as well as some amazing letters and postcards. With the site you can actually find people who want pen pals and will write back and forth. There are also people who want to exchange just a postcard. Others want to send "trash bombs" which is an envelope of art supplies. Some like notes. Some just want to do a "one off" I'll send you something one time and you send me something once and that's it. I've received paper crafting supplies, recipes, Artist Trading Cards (ATCs), postcards, stationery, tea, and chocolate. I've started corresponding with several people. I write to every single person to writes to me. Sometimes it takes a week or 2 but I respond to everyone no matter what.

I'm also very big into postcards. I pick them up everywhere I go and write to people and mail them off. I read people's profiles and try to send either a postcard that relates to something in their profile or send to people with whom I have something in common. I've found with postcards I"m VERY random in what I say- maybe people think I'm crazy?

Some folks are like me: their letters are the strong point of this experience. Others are killer artists. Some are both- amazing letter writers AND artists! My letter writing is my strong point- I usually generate 3-5 page letters to folks! I do have a tendency to just use homemade envelopes, a few rubber stamps some stickers and some washi tape and call it art. BUT I have sent some "mail art" envelopes.

Remember, I'm not Picasso or VanGogh. I struggle with stick figures. It's the thought that counts, right? The effort?

Those are just some samples. I've sent other stuff, LOTS of other stuff. I've send some mail to readers here (do you recognize your letter up there?), too, because I sent letters to friends and family not just strangers! (I have more examples but it's shows people's addresses and I don't feel like messing with paint to block 'em out right now!)

I've also fallen in love with the Post Office. I adore stamps. I actually dashed to the PO on my lunch hour this week to buy a page of Johnny Cash stamps before they were all sold out so I can do county and music themes letter art! The people who work at the post office either love me or are not my biggest fans. I don't like them to "print" postage on white labels; I want them to give me actual STAMPS to equal what I need. I also like to look through the stamps to pick out different ones I like, taking a few here and there, rather than just 1 sheet of 1 kind. I ask questions about mailing processes and weigh limits. One woman likes to see what I've created and gives me ideas of how to protect my art. Another woman, when she sees me come in, waves me to the front of the line and hands me the stamp book because she knows I'll stand there for 10 minutes pouring over the postage, adding up how much I need of each stamps and finding just the right one. (I like to try and use the postage stamps as part of the art when I can!)

If anyone still reads here and wants a letter (and a feeble attempt at mail art) go ahead and give me your address in my comments. I will NOT publish your address though I already have addresses for many of you!

Write more letters! Use less email! Because a mailbox full of letters and mail art is much better than a box of bills!

Happy Snail Mailing!