Sunday, June 23, 2013

I hate unhappy endings

Relationship shit thoughts continued from yesterday's post:

As of the writing of this post, still no contact. Again, feels like I'm tempting fate even saying that.

Anyway, I'm thinking if I'm still mad 8 days later, that's not a good sign.

I'm thinking if after three years of this fighting bullshit, non-sense we still can't get it right, then we really have no business being together.

I'm thinking if I'm thinking the above 2 thoughts, then we probably REALLY shouldn't be together.

Do I love him? Yes. Can I keep doing this? No.

When we're good, we're amazing. But otherwise, it just sucks. Sucks big time. Mad sucks, hurt sucks. I know long-distance relationships are not easy, even though we have it easier than most since we see each other Thursdays- Sundays every week, and all school holidays and vacations. I know it hasn't been easy because I can't find a full time job that is either a good fit for me or that has health benefits in the capital city where he lives; neither of us dreamed a year later I'd still be commuting. But we are. He thinks it's old and tedious. While I'm not thrilled with the arrangement, it is what it is and I'm trying to change it to the best of my ability, yet to no avail.

Now is decision time. Officially break up? Stay? See if it's fixable one more time?

It's probably at an end. And I hate the end part because it's usually so ugly. I have stuff at his place that I want, and I know ending a three year relationship will involve a conversation or 2, I'm sure. those are never fun.

I hate all that comes with that shit. The eventual fight, the getting of the stuff. Worrying if he's going to be nasty about it or do something revengeful. Then there's the whole being alone again at age 41 years. That's an interesting psychological game in my own head- is staying with the devil you know better than either the devil I don't or being alone, never meeting anyone. the whole "he's not that bad overall" and "when things are good, it's great and we don't fight that much." Those sorts of thoughts. *bangs head on keyboard*

I know I need to make the final decision. And do that needs to happen. I hate that part.


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