Single again

Single again is something I never, ever thought I'd be at age 41, staring at age 42. It sucks and I really, really hate it.

I do not want to date again. I don't Before the last Sam I went 471 days without dating. I was fine. Or I at least got myself to a place where I was tolerating my life. Then I met and and for the last 3 years it wasn't easy but I actually thought we had made progress and did well and I honestly thought we could get married. Buy a house. Take trips. Do married stuff. I didn't figure I'd been single again unless he dies first and I was a widow which is an entirely different sort of single.

The single I am now is yet another long-term monogamous relationship that failed.

I hate the idea of having to put myself out there and frankly I don't plan on it.

I said this before and everyone said the typical cliches about fish in the sea, someone for everyone, the right guy will come along, blah fricking blah. And the guy came along, he wasn't right and here I am three years later more hurt, broken, and cynical about love/ romance than I ever was before in my life.

Reality says I have bigger issues than being single but all those big things I was dealing with in a relationship seem worse because now I'm dealing alone. Damn it.

Why did he had to be an douche bag and just fuck it all up? (pardon my French but as Daddy-O says sometimes the f-word is the only one that will do). WHY????

Pissed, sad, angry, depressed, lonely, hurt, frustrated, scared, bitter-- all my emotions.

Several things suck other than what I've listed so far:
1- to date means I now have to worry about my appearance at all times. I look about how I did a few years ago but now I have to make sure to dress "right" and be funny, scintillating and all the crap that goes with dating. When I dated in my 20s and 30s, I made sure I was dressed in all the right clothes and even "dressed up" to go to the grocery. I can no longer wear yoga pants and a ball cap to the mall, if I want to be on the hunt for a guy.

2- when did wanting to be married become a bad thing? It's bad I know but who made it bad? Are we still blaming women's lib for this? I thought women's lib meant we could have it all- marriage, family and career. I know in the 90s being married was bad because it was all about the career. Is it still bad to want to be married? Great.

3- He's probably dating as I type this post here on Friday night at 11pm. One thing I "admire" about this Sam is that he believes in love. He does. He might be a prick but he's will to keep dating and dating until he finds the right one. He believes there are more fish in the sea and he'll keep looking for the big kahuna. I think it's brave of him to keep trying. I don't want to try. (It's obviously waaaaaaaaaaaaaaay to soon for either of us to date but I bet he is. I don't know it for a fact or anything but he's the get back on the horse/ bike/ woman sorta guy). I don't WANT to date because I think true love and all that nonsense is just that: nonsense. I'm also slightly jealous he CAN just decide to start dating again. (And super hurt. Trust me on this, I KNOW he's trying to start dating. I was with him for 3 yrs. I do know something things.)

All in all, this sucks.
Mags

And the reason for being mean is???????

I'm still yammering about the relationship shit. That officially what I'm calling it.

What I don't understand is why are people mean to each other to an extreme in a fight? Or when a relationship is ending?  Say there's no one having an affair, and no one is physically/ mentally/ emotionally/ verbally abusing each other. No one is committing crimes.

Say, in the relationship someone is hurt, or one person just doesn't to be in the relationship any more. Maybe they grew apart or fallen out of love or don't share the same goals and dreams. Maybe it just ISN'T WORKING. There are no kids involved, no property to divide, or assets to split, no living together, no joint purchases.

These are 2 people who love(d) each other so why are people so mean. Why is there yelling or name calling? Why is there a fight?

Seriously, if these 2 people loved each other once. If you love them and want to best for them then why hurt each other? And though one person may not WANT it to be over, if you love the other then wouldn't you want them to be happy? And if being out of the relationship makes them happy, then let them go without an ugly scene.

Maybe everyone can't be friends later. Who cares? There's no reason for mean and ugliness. Just let it be over. Move on. My guess both parties are hurting. My guess ending it isn't easy for anyone. Make it easy. If people love each other why hurt each other? Why make each other miserable? Why not have some mutual respect for decisions that are being made even if they're not what everyone wants?!?

And this is why I'm dreading this whole relationship ending debacle.

Maggie

I hate unhappy endings

Relationship shit thoughts continued from yesterday's post:

As of the writing of this post, still no contact. Again, feels like I'm tempting fate even saying that.

Anyway, I'm thinking if I'm still mad 8 days later, that's not a good sign.

I'm thinking if after three years of this fighting bullshit, non-sense we still can't get it right, then we really have no business being together.

I'm thinking if I'm thinking the above 2 thoughts, then we probably REALLY shouldn't be together.

Do I love him? Yes. Can I keep doing this? No.

When we're good, we're amazing. But otherwise, it just sucks. Sucks big time. Mad sucks, hurt sucks. I know long-distance relationships are not easy, even though we have it easier than most since we see each other Thursdays- Sundays every week, and all school holidays and vacations. I know it hasn't been easy because I can't find a full time job that is either a good fit for me or that has health benefits in the capital city where he lives; neither of us dreamed a year later I'd still be commuting. But we are. He thinks it's old and tedious. While I'm not thrilled with the arrangement, it is what it is and I'm trying to change it to the best of my ability, yet to no avail.

Now is decision time. Officially break up? Stay? See if it's fixable one more time?

It's probably at an end. And I hate the end part because it's usually so ugly. I have stuff at his place that I want, and I know ending a three year relationship will involve a conversation or 2, I'm sure. those are never fun.

I hate all that comes with that shit. The eventual fight, the getting of the stuff. Worrying if he's going to be nasty about it or do something revengeful. Then there's the whole being alone again at age 41 years. That's an interesting psychological game in my own head- is staying with the devil you know better than either the devil I don't or being alone, never meeting anyone. the whole "he's not that bad overall" and "when things are good, it's great and we don't fight that much." Those sorts of thoughts. *bangs head on keyboard*

I know I need to make the final decision. And do that needs to happen. I hate that part.

UGH!
Maggie

Please tell me if I sound crazy or not...

I am not desperate. I think this is the alignment of some weird planets and moons and shit. And of some weird space in my head.

Last week I ordered pizza. And I had the greatest experience with the guy on the phone who was taking my order. He kept me on the phone for 10 minutes just chatting. He even made sure to find out that I was single and to let me know he was the same. I know it sounds completely absurd to say we "clicked" while only ordering food, but I learned his name, he's a widower, raised his daughter alone who got a $14,000 college scholarship to my alma mater, he's built like a fuzzy teddy bear, he thought I was brave to raise a son alone, I had a pretty voice, we agreed teenagers eat a LOT, and when his daughter got her period the first time and he had to make a "purchase" for her, he also gave her 3 bags of chocolate. Now if we can exchange that sort of information while I was ordering a damn pizza, then...

When I got there to pick up my order, he was with someone else and was waving at me and giving me the "hang on a sec" finger but I was at the drive-thru and he couldn't get to me. He told the girl who was waiting on me to tell me hi, it was nice to meet me and that he had my phone number from my order. She giggled and said "Oh Sam is sooooo NICE!"

Here's the thing- he DIDN'T have my number. I realized when I hung up from the order call while I was on my way, that we shot the shit about stuff and I never left my number and hoped it was one of those times they fixed the food without doing a call back verification. I also know it doesn't come up automatically because if I use my cell phone that feature doesn't work here since I'm on Verizon's stupid extended plan. And.... I asked someone who worked there and my number isn't stored or anything in a "system."

XRay Girl said it sounded like I had a better 10 minute conversation with the pizza guy than my date with the Sam last weekend, and she's right about that. She also suggested I go in and see if he's working and if we can chat for a minute (or ten) see if we click again and then MAKE SURE I give him my number if we do.

Am I being an adventuresome, carefree risk take or an idiot?

Pizza does sound good about now...
Maggie Mae

An aside: anytime AlaskaSam makes a venture toward my life, interested men automatically start popping up. Or men who seem like they could sort of me interested. Just an observation...

I am a bad mother

Last semester Mac waited until 4 days before his English class deadline to read a book that was worth 10% of his grade for the entire semester. It was about 600 pages. Oh, it was The Book Thief.

It was hell for four days because I nagged him all the time which caused us to argue which made me mad but I still nagged. I couldn't let it go even though I knew he was making the choice to screw around and the outcome hurt him, not me.

Regardless of all the yelling (both of us), the nagging (me), and the tears (me again) he did finish the book and got an "A" on the test.

I was an English teacher in my past life. I was a fairly decent student in school. He is smart. He is an excellent reader and an even better writer. He practically has a photographic memory. But he just pisses this away because he's bored with high school.

So, this semester, I decided to be a bad mom. Or a bad teacher, but I'm not his teacher but still, what I did would be a "bad teacher" thing. I bribed him. Yes, I stand here before you, ladies and gentleman, hand to heart and tell you I bribed my child to read.

This semester he needs like a million points at his reading level which is like grade 29- he's off the charts, to be honest. This semester his teacher broke the number of independent reading points he needs into some the 3rd quarter and some the last quarter. So I bribed him. If Mac reads one of his "for points at his level" books and completes the book and the test over it by Feb. 1, I'll give him $10. If he has it done by Jan. 15, I'll give him $15. Additionally, if he gets all his third quarter points by Valentine's Day I'll give him an additional $20, so he could make $35. For doing his homework, which is something he should do on his own, at his age.

I can't let it go. It's a reading thing. It's a book thing. It's a teacher thing. It's an English teacher thing. It's a control thing (maybe). Hell, it's the mother-of-a-really-smart-teenage-boy-who-is-being-lazy thing.

I'm a bad mother.

Book bribing,
Maggie
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On another note....

I like this song. There's no video here, just a picture of the singer from the group Train, but I like the song: "Hey Soul Sister" by... Train. Enjoy!