Saturday, June 22, 2013

First rule of fight club is "don't talk about fight club"; I'm a rule breaker

I've dated a guy on and off for the last three years. Actually it will be off and on for 3 years at the end of this month. When it's been "off" it's usually very off and when on, it's like the adult equivalent to "candy-land" or like Disney Land or something.

Then last Sunday this Sam got all pissed off over something stupid. It really was something stupid. I said I'd call at a specific time and didn't. I was busy and I forgot. I know that's terrible but I did. I didn't forget HIM, I just forgot to call at an agreed upon time. Then he called me an hour later, and without thinking I said I had forgotten and explained what distracted me. He "seemed" slightly irritated and maybe a tiny bit hurt but we talked like normal and all seemed well.

Until 3 hours later when he called and unloaded everything single thing on his mind that he felt was wrong with our relationship and with me.

I was pissed. Usually, I'm sad or hurt and apologetic (I don't know why... we can analyze that later) and those feelings get in the way but this time I was pissed.  I'll spare you all the gory details, mainly because it's stupid and a long drawn out "he said then I said" non-sense. Bottom line,t his time I was pissed as Hell and I let him know it. And I let him have it.

I do not understand why, if someone is in a romantic, serious relationship and have an argument they have to do the following:
  • bring up shit that had nothing to do with the issue at hand
  • lie (or say one thing a month ago but come to find out you never felt that way and are telling me now)
  • bring up things that you resent and that have nothing to do with the issue at hand
  • answer a question with a question
  • pick the fight and then try to blame the other person for it
  • talk in circles to avoid speaking of your own feelings
  • character assassination
All relationships are not perfect. People are not perfect. People in romantic relationships will argue and perhaps even fight but I don't get this whole "throw in everything under the sun" mindset of fighting.

So, I was mad and just spewed. I didn't try to be the compromise-r or the peacemaker or the great communicator. I didn't try to mediate. (You may wonder how I  can mediate a disagreement I'm in. Example: in a past fight with him I've actually said things like "Remember, we've agreed to not call names", "Use 'I' statements instead of 'you'" or "Be constructive and not purposely hurtful". Oh yeah, I said that shit.) I just sank to his level and said what was on my mind. It ended with him hanging up on me. I went to bed.

Monday night he called to try and talk and I was still pissed. And let him know it in no uncertain terms. I have no idea if he wanted to see if I settled into my normal routine so he could be pissy or if he wanted to apologize but I was still mad. I was pissed over the stupidness of the fight in the first place, over what he said, over the CONTENT of the fight, and pissed at him & myself over at how I've behaved in the past. He sort of apologized which I didn't feel was good enough.

Tuesday we sent pissy emails back and forth during the day. He said the fight of was his fault and I let him know it was and continued to pummel him with my same message of the last 2 nights- of WHY I was pissed. I used lots of capital letters. I half expected another long drawn out phone call that night and was exhausted at the mere thought. (I wanted to make sure I didn't acquiesce just because I was exhausted over it all.) WELL!! Not to worry!

Since those nasty emails we exchanged on Tuesday, I've not heard from him. (I'm almost afraid to type that here because it's like tempting fate or poking the bear with a stick.) At all. 5.5 days. And I'm okay with that.

No this silence can't last, I'm sure. The thing is, I don't want to talk. I'm still PISSED. I mean, really REALLY still pissed. I'm shocked. I'm not someone who usually is mad for a long time. Really. If I lose my temper at all, it's usually a quick flare, then I feel terrible about being mad and then have to fix it.I don't hold grudges. But still one week post fight, heading into day 8, I am mad still. Fed up. Angry.

That is not a good sign.

My Photographer friend says when he and I are good, we are excellent and when we're in a bad place, it's usually pretty  bad, and it's usually his fault.

I don't know. That's it for now. I'll keep everyone posted.

Maggie the Mad

1 comment:

sam said...

Maggie Mae

Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to repeat it.
George Santayana