Monday, November 9, 2009

A rose by any other name would... stink.

I am so glad that when I was pregnant for Mac many moons ago that I wasn't teaching. I cannot imagine trying to name a child now, with all the kids that have gone through my classroom. For those of you in education or who work with kids in any capacity, you're sitting there nodding your head, knowing exactly what I'm talking about. For those of you not, here's the deal: there are so many kids who are pains in the arse, kids ya just don't like, that you don't want to saddle your off spring with that same name to be constantly reminded of the kids you hated (or "tremendously disliked").

I know my child naming years are behind me and I'm thankful for that because there are a slew of perfectly nice, strong, lovable names attached to demon seed little brats so I could never name my child any of those. Take Jennifer. Nice and traditional, right? And yes, I could list about 10 Jennifers who are nice people. However, I know one Jennifer who was a slut with a capital SLUT, and she had a mean spirit so now matter how many nice Jennifers there are in the world, they cannot cancel out the Jennifer the Whore.

I could never have a Trevor either. I had a student Trevor who used the "N" word like I drink coffee. And the other "Trevor" I had spit on me. And the third "Trevor" I had was a gay snob who had his mommy yell at ME when he didn't turn in his homework. For 7 week. In a row. Even though I called her once a week to tell her this. So no Trevors.

I would also have to cross off Angel (Drama Queen), Nate and Eli (both racists), Hope (lying conniving little bitch), Toby (might as well hang a sign on him that says "I'm fat and play the tuba"), Sergio (arrogant prick), Marie (she was a stripper and one of my former college students) Kayla (she was so evil we teachers called her 'Rasputin'), and Lance (dumb, dumb, and just dumb). And crossing off Eli and Hope really upsets me because I really liked those names.... until. See, you get my drift.

If you ever meet someone with an unusual name, you might ask them if one of their parents is a teacher, or works with kids. It's safer to go with something a bit odd because otherwise you want to smack your poor kid named Blake just because of a Blake from school shot snot on the kid in front of him. (Uh, no Blakes for me either. Or Reese.) So if you meet a Lennox, Landon, Harrison, Jackson, Cerissa, Amelia, or a Helene the odds are good that one or both of their parents are teachers.

One of the teacher's I see on a regular basis is having a baby and she and her husband are both teachers. They found out they're going to have a boy partly because they needed to get a jump start on names. And her husband teaches in an "prison like school" setting so it sort of doubles the amount of names you never want your kid to have. "Gee, I just love the name Lori except I'll always think of the girl Lori who shanked her math teacher." She said she and her hubby have a list and are working on narrowing it.

I also know I could never name any of my sons the following: Michael, Kyle, Joe, Eric, Brian, Clayton, Randy, Chris, Robert, Sean, Tom, or Dean; I dated and/or had sex with men by those names and it didn't always turn out real well.

And my final comment on names: you can always tell what movies, music and TV shows (especially soap operas) were popular about 13-15 years ago, as students pass through my classroom doors. This year there seems to be so many Devons, Joshs, Blakes, Justins, and Makaylas you can't swing a dead cat without hitting a kid by those names. (What movies, rock bands or soap operas had these characters?)

Just in case, though, I keep hoping that I don't meet any Isabelles or Harpers 'cause if something ever went drastically wrong in my uterus and I was put in charge of naming a little tyke, these are my options. Unless a new middle schooler who is really the spawn of Satan shows up as an Isabelle or a Haprer; then it would be back to the drawing board.

What's in a name,

An aside: Had my parents gone through with it, I would've been Sara Martha at birth... thank goddess leveler heads prevailed.


Curley said...

Or you could be like my cousin who named her kids after a season (Autumn) or an inanimate object (Cannon). Yes I know that these names aren't so unusal now but 20 some yrs ago they were.

Maggie said...

Wait.... Curley, you have a cousin named Cannon???? Wow, that IS unusual!

(And I know an Autumn, a Summer, and Winter- all girls. And I wouldn't use them either. I also a know a Tuesday who wouldn't remember to come in out of the rain, even on a Tuesday!)

Shan said...

You make a real point there.
I have a Grahm, and of course it's common in the land across the water but not too prevalent here. And, yes, I have a Deven which is common now but I used to have a crush on one so that's ok. We didn't name him and since he was three by the time we could change his name we kept his first and changed his middle and last. :)

I'm saving Greta or Gretel in consideration in case someone gives me a baby girl. I also still like Gavin Hubs middle name or Cohen mine(spelled different) but I don't think about it much anymore.

Maggie said...

Shan- I do so love the name Gavin and I don't know any! And I also like the name Graham and the only one I do know I like. (He was in second grade when I was a senior in HS and I haven't heard of him since then!)

And Greta is lovely! Maybe a girl... someday!

Anonymous said...

My mom wanted to name me Susan Lynn. My grandmother begged her not to. Apparently there was a "fast woman" who my grandmother went to school with and she didn't want to be reminded!


Bragger said...

This semester alone I have two Mercedes and one Porsha. Porsha and one of the Mercedes are cousins.

I named my girl what I thought was an unusual name. There are at least 3 in every classroom now.....

Evil Pixie said...

Then there is always the gender-bender names... For example, my real name. I suppose that is along the line of "A Boy Named Sue." But, I wouldn't trade my boyish first name (though I detested it during those oh-so-wonderful years of puberty). My mum was astute enough to recognize the advantages of giving this girl an unusual moniker... people rarely forget "A Girl Named Jack."

Maggie said...

P- isn't that funny how we do that with names? I remember the Sperm Donor ranted and raved about how much he HATED the name Scott because of a guy who picked on him in HS. And I hate the name Alyssa, for the same reasons. Ya never know!

Bragger- spelled like the cars??? Hmmmm, interesting. I have a Harley in classes I sub for. It's a girl. I can't decide you have a classroom or a garage

Evil P- I like the gender-bender names for other people. I think being a girl named Jack would be AWESOME! Well, maybe not so much as a kid, but as an adult, it would be awesome; builds character. LOL...

Others I can think of: Taylor, Sydney, and Madison= I know boys and girls with all three of those.

Kelly G. said...

You know what's really weird is that my husband and I both have a thing for male names ending in "K" - even before we met each other and ever discussed our possible future children.

We know for sure that if we ever have a son, his name will either be Nick, Hank, Frank, or Jake. And if we ever have a daughter, her name will have to have a masculine touch to it. "Nikki" is about as feminine as we'll get. I love "issa" names (Melissa, Marissa, Clarissa, etc), but not for my possible future daughter.

Maggie said...

I like Jake and Jack. And how cool and unusual that you would both like "K" names- ah, fate...!

Duchess of Tea said...

Hello my darling, how is my favourite blogger, I hope life is treating you marvelously. As you know mine was a bit topsy turvy of late, but is slowly returning to normal. I thank you for checking in on me and for the sweet comment you left behind, you are a dear friend. I am now off to check your posts that I've missed.

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