Tuesday, November 17, 2009

Not just one idiot moment in time

Daddy-O rearranged furniture the other night and moved the coat tree so it's right inside the front door. I knew he did it. I saw him do it. I hung a coat on it. I even took a coat off of it. But when I came home the other night, through that door, I forgot and about "killed" the coat tree because I thought it was some tall man standing there, in the dark. I whacked it with my purse and made "ay-ah!" sounds as I did it. And knocked the coat tree over. And all the coats fell off. And my heart rate about went to 'heart attack' levels. Shit. Scared me to death. And I felt like an idiot. Thank goddess I was home alone. Daddy-O would've laughed himself to death at my faux-karate kid like move.

Another time I felt like an idiot moment: I face planted as I walked into the church for a funeral the other day. I was rushing because I thought I was gonna be late and tripped on the rug and fell flat. Not just to my knees, but all the way down: face and belly right into the carpet, sprawled across the threshold like a beached whale in classy trousers. I jumped up like I was on fire and looked around to see if anyone saw me other than Mac- who was torn between laughing his ass off and making sure I was okay. I think he told me I looked as graceful as a rollerskating giraffe. After he asked me if I was okay. After he chuckled, LOTS! And no one saw other than him.

My other klutzy moment came when Daddy-O and I walked out of the school where he teaches and I sub. I went out a set of doors I've never used. I was looking at him and talking and opened the door and tripped, crow hopped, two stepped and didn't fall, but it was close. Apparently there's a step down as you go out the door. I didn't step down. I'm trying to not crash to the pavement and the first thing I asked was "did anyone see me?" I know I looked like a I was playing a one woman Twister game, in mid air, without the board, alone.

Once this summer when I was working at the ice cream, I was bringing supplies in and out of the store room and walked right into the glass door that I thought was open. It was not; it was firmly closed. And that hurt like a son-of-a-gun, too. And the first thing I did was to see if anyone saw my stupid "parakeet against a picture window" move.

What makes people do that? Why do we always look around to see if anyone saw us be stupid? I think if I was actually hurt I wouldn't care; maybe because I pretend if I was really hurt, no one would laugh at me because they would be sympathetic to my pain. (When I'm sure in reality they're laughing behind my back, but my sub-conscious believes whatever it wants!) I can't be the only person who ever does this, can I? Really, why do I think as I'm falling, preciously tipping toward the ground, flailing away, looking like a seizure in mid air, why is my first thought "who is seeing me look like a fool" rather than "oh shit, I might break my wrist"?

What's even worse about this is that I took about 10 years of dance class. I had 2-3 lessons a week for 10 years and on the stage I was pretty graceful. Turn on music and I could spin and float and looked pretty good. But off the stage and out of the dance studio, without music, back on "normal" everyday surfaces, I was not what you'd call... coordinated. Yes, I could dance, but when walking or running I had 2 left feet. And this was before I ever started my drinking days...

My dad called me "Gracie" as a kid. As in "Way to go, Gracie" as I crashed and careened into another person or a piece of furniture or the floor, tripping over the lint on the rug, or my own 2 feet, or some imaginary pile of bricks that had to be there just a second ago as I would splat down because there was nothing else that could've caused the fall. Apparently there are some things we just don't outgrow. Damn it.



Anna said...

Ha! I'm picturing you delivering ninja strikes to that coat-rack. :-)

Shan said...

OH HO! You poor dear! I do TRY to wait until I know someone is OK but then the laughter flows and flows. Then I remember again and it flows some more.

My hubbs did the longest bounce/run/tumble/jog up nearby stairs from our neighbors slide that I just could NOT get over. I'm laughing now and it's been over a year now.

He's a big guy but is very nimble so his fall just went on and on while he literally rolled and took some bark off a tree and then sprung back up and ran up a whole flight of deck stairs in a daze. Our neighbor was stunned and ask if he was okay very seriously while he and I had already started wheezing from laughter. :D

I would totally do the coat rack thing myself-HA!!!

Maggie said...

Anna- i do look rather fetching in black...

Shan- I would've loved to see your hubby's infamous fall... don't have him re-enact it so you can record it and put it on your blog or anything, but you get my drift. ;)

Anonymous said...

I love when I trip on the step that's not even there. I feel like a fool and look around too!


Curley said...

I did tell you about the day back in high school when I walked into a stop sign, right? And why would a stop sign be at face level? But I know what you mean. When I fell off the step ladder and cracked my head on the floor (and probably gave myself a concussion), I was so embarressed I lied and told everyone I was ok. I had bad headaches for a week

Hecate said...

"I whacked it with my purse and made "ay-ah!" sounds as I did it."

OMG, that made me LOL! And I can actually see you doing it.

Wiley said...

Does it count that I'm killing myself laughing at your descriptions of falls for the ages? I swear I'm not laughing at you... oh hell, I am. Sorry. But it's damn funny.
That said, there is something about someone tripping that seems to bring out the chuckles in everyone. Human empathy obviously doesn't extend that far - perhaps because we know everyone will laugh at us when we fall, so we instinctively want to get our revenge.

Maggie said...

P- oh the step that isn't there- we have some of those here- in the middle of my bathroom, in the middle of my bedroom floor, oh in the middle of the special ed. classroom where I was teaching today.... dear god.

Curley- I knew about the stop sign but not the ladder- dear god- you know if it comes with an injury no one laughs, right? (Well, not to your face...)

Hecate- and i have no idea why i scream " ay-ah!" when I whacked it. No clue where that came from. but had it been an intruder he would've either have been knocked cold, or laughed himself to death at the sight of me, brandishing my purse and screaming at him, with my Sketchers flashing and my old lady cardigan swinging... oh god.

Wiley- laugh. please laugh. and if you saw me in person and then attached this with the visual-- you would laugh your ass off, for I'm not the "ay-ah" type. Unless snowmen shaped women are the "ay-ah" type...