Thursday, November 19, 2009

Potential Careers

I could be the cheese girl at a Bob Evan's meat and cheese kiosk in the mall. I could stand there and say "cheese?" to people as they walk by. Or, I could just take all the samples and wonder around the mall and do some shopping and have a little snack. But I think I would resort to teenage boy humor if I had to sell summer sausage. Heeheehee- I just typed 'sausage.' Hmmmm, moving on. Okay option number 2.

I could be a pirate. I think it would be a good way to loose weight what with scurvy and vomiting from seasickness all the time. And I could have a cool name like "Maggie the Pirate Wench". I look good in bandannas and I've always wanted to learn to sail and fish. I like Jimmy Buffett music, and rum. I could be a pretty good pirate. Okay, that stays on the list.

Sears Photographer. I like to take pictures and I've seen their equipment so I know any trained monkey could do it. But about the time I had some pre-schooler who refused to smile and his mommy says in a syrup voice, "widdle Jimmy is pretending to be mad", I would bonk both on the head with a random stuffed animal. And besides, if a trained monkey could do it, I would be out of a job in a few months anyway. Moving on...

Wal-Mart Greeter. I don't meet the age requirement. And do I really need to list about hating people, animals, small children, old people and Wal-Mart in general. Na-da- off the list. What else?

Black jack dealer- now I think I could be good at this. I would like the booze and the tips and the mob. I've never been to Vegas before! I would NOT like the math involved. I can't add that quick, even to 21 if I'm under pressure. And I couldn't work for anyone called a 'Pit Boss'; that's too much like pitbull. Ewwww. And we don't have blackjack anywhere near here anyway. Unless I could do something like this in private, in Daddy-O's basement... Hmmmmm. I'll move this to the 'maybe' column.

Missionary. I like to travel and I like to help people. It provides free room and board. I do have a passport. But there is that one little issue about God. That could provide a problem. And I could get sent to a country at war or with no indoor plumbing. Nope. Cross it off; I can't pee outside and I know I couldn't pee outside if people were shooting at me.

Bounty Hunter. I like this in theory, metaphorically, and in a literary sense. Otherwise, I would suck because I'm scared of being hurt, of guns, of being hit, dying, having people shoot at me, and anything else that could go wrong. It would be nice to have a sidekick and have people be afraid of me.

that's all I got. Any other suggestions?

Fuck Career Builders,
Maggie the Pirate Wench


Wiley said...

Lion tamer (actually, no. Sorry, you can't have that even though you could do it - it was always my dream as a kid. You think I jest. But I would be way too jealous if a friend of mine was a lion tamer and I wasn't.)

Voice over person for cartoons. How much of a kick arse job would that be??

Shoe model - you get to have pedicures all the time and wear great shoes. Winner.

And of course there always novelist. You are writing the great American novel one blog entry at a time.

Maggie said...

Wiley- you should totally be a lion tamer! that would be cool! For you- I'm not much of a cat person :) and shoe model- oh that would be heaven- OMG, pure heaven.

I also thought I wanted to be a book jacket blurb writer but I don't think I could be pithy enough all the time.

And thank you for what you said about the great American novel. Wow.

D-nice said...

on a serious note you really could travel and not always get shot at try Peace Corp. I have a friend going to some fab island this spring to work doing a social work style gig. no God involved!

Evil Pixie said...

I would love a career as an ice cream taster. How glorious would that be?!?! Or a chocolate maker... Or milkshake inspector... Or pizza auditor... Or cupcake critic... I'm sensing a trend here. ;)

Maggie said...

Dnice- I've thought about the Peace Corps but I've worried that they could send me any place they wanted, maybe not where I wanted. And they also do send people into some "warring" areas, which also scares the hell outta me.

Evil P- I'm not sure if you were reading me a few months ago when I worked at an ICE CREAM PARLOR! I tasted, sampled, made milkshakes and ice cream flavors. And gained 9 pounds.

Cupcake critic would be good. I think cupcakes are the world's best dessert... Hmmm!