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Monday, May 3, 2010

Loot in the boot, junk in the trunk... whatever ya wanna call it

Over the last year I've become more self conscious about my body than I have at any other time in my life. I'm a bit heavier than I've been in years, but also because... I think I just feel old. I don't think, other than gaining a little bit of weight, I look any different but sometimes I feel different, if that makes any sense. Maybe it's been a good thing that I've been celibate for 413 days?

I've never been what you might call thin. I used to take dance (ballet AND jazz) when I was in elementary, middle and high school so I was in great shape then. Then I stopped dancing, went off my diet and... then I became curvy like Marilyn Monroe. Now, I'm a bit curvier than that. I've never lost the weight I gained from when my baby was born. And yes, I realize my baby is now 205 months old.

Being over weight is hereditary, you know (I pay attention in 8th grade science!)? And I know that I battle my weight partially because of that. Also, food is important part of my life. My friends and I socialize over dinner and drinks. We have cooks outs together. If there's a shower, a birthday, or a funeral or an illness, we all bring food. We commiserate over broken hearts with pints of ice cream and gallons of margaritas. My mother's side of the family is from the "South." I think the South, by definition, means food. And LOTS of it, so that's how my mom cooked for us as kids and that's the image I mirror. (I think it's some sort of rule or in the Bible that if you are from the South or have Southern heritage, food must be fried, jello molds are mandatory, mushroom soup over anything makes it better, and biscuits are as necessary as air.)

I'm not making excuses for what or how I eat. I'm an educated woman so I know how to eat and cook healthy but these habits are hard to break. If anyone has ever tried to stop smoking, drinking, or using drugs I equate dieting or eating healthy and exercising to this. I really do. People who learn they are diabetic or have to cut out starches or have food allergies... same thing- massive diet and exercise overhaul are rough. In my head my logic is "if the doctor told me I had to stop eating sweets or I would die, I could do that." Why would that make it so? Well, for example, I got that crown on my tooth and I've stayed away from gummy bears, licorice, taffy and anything else that is sticky that might pull it out. I have NO desire to go through that again.

Some of you who know my mom and the circumstances around her death, might ask why that's not an influencing factor. (My mom was very overweight and died from... well, it all came from complications for her uncontrolled diabetes). My answer is that I'm not anywhere close to being as heavy as she was and I have more control than she did. But do I? If I did, couldn't I lose that 20 or 50 pounds?

Changing my lifestyle is what is behind this. People who quit smoking or drinking, while this is HARD HARD HARD and I make no bones about it, don't have to have some alcohol a day to feed their bodies. You can just cut out the booze and smokes FOREVER. No one can just "quit eating" and move on. With food, it's quit eating certain things, quit eating certain amounts of things. It's just CHANGING what you eat, rather than just being able to stop. Sometimes, and I do know this is wrong and I am not making light nor am I making fun for once in my life, but there is a small small small part of me that envies the will power of the anorexic. I think I would do better if I could just STOP cold turkey (see I even use food puns!). But I know it doesn't work that way.

And the bare fact is I can change what and how I eat but I also need to exercise. Proven medical fact that I, in my own lazy way, will not even try and argue with.

No, I'm not grossly disgusting fat, but I'm not some skinny-minny. Yes, people would look at me and think I'm overweight. Not in that frighten children, buy 2 airplane seats way, or anything close like that, but still.

I've had my body complimented by men in the past, kind ones who loved me, so... if the right man comes along, he won't care. I also had a completely platonic male friend of mine tell me I was "made for pleasure not speed" which is something that has made me smile over the years, because it feels so true...

So, this is what was on my mind today...
Maggie

On another note....

7 comments:

Shan said...

This has been on my mind this week too because I somehow managed to gain 10lbs in a week and a half. I realized a certain medicine I take(a hormone that I inject in addition to my insulin)has been keeping me "slim" . I've been without it for this nearly two weeks and have blown up a size just like that!

This has made me realize how unhappy I am when I lose my regular figure and my medicine induced will power.

Ugh. I totally agree that anorexia ALMOST seems the way to go. It's that all or nothing thing for sure.

Bragger said...

How true. What really ticks me off is that I exercise EVERY SINGLE DAY and I don't lose weight. In fact, I continue to gain. I've never weighed this much, except for the night I went into labor. Ugh.

TaDa said...

me and the bff started calorie counting today.. .My upteen time of trying.... :(

Maggie said...

Shan- isn't a terrible conundrum? And I hope you can go back on your meds soon! I started birth control pills again (for many reasons!)and that screws with the weight gain, too! Damn it!

Bragger- if I exercised every single day like you do and I didn't lose any weight, i think I would consider killing myself. Okay, not really but... well, maybe.

And I know what you mean by being heavy- i was looking at pictures of me taken the summer before I moved to the Wild West and I was about 20 pounds thinner than now and I'm just sick. How hard can 20 lbs really be to shed? Oh crap- just don't answer that!

TaDa- good luck- I hope you both do well! I'll be cheering for you!

Wiley said...

Is there a woman alive that doesn't struggle with this in one way or another?
I was a massively fat kid in high school (as in I weighed 20kg or 40+lbs more then than I do now) and I wouldn't go back to that for quids... but I might for donuts and hamburgers!
If I wasn't so lazy I'd find the battle a whole lot easier too! :)

Madeline's Memory said...

Oh my...you have made me laugh today. I can relate to EXACTLY what you are saying. As a mother of 4 children....I really get the 205 months old. I will use months rather than years now too. My husband decided last week that he needs to lose weight (yes he does)so he does 30 mins on the Eliptical 6 days a week and eats a salad a day.....He lost 3 lbs in 5 days!!! What the heck is up with that? I eat salad breakfast, lunch and dinner. Walk around the whole neighborhood with my baby in the stroller so I can move faster and I gain 3 lbs!!!! UUggghhhh!
Good luck to you my dear, but remember to love yourself no matter what.
Enjoy, Dana

TaDa said...

I posted a new blog... join...