Sunday, August 8, 2010

Orchestra and Balcony

I need new bras. I hate shopping for bras. I have been fitted and sized so I know just what I need, but it is such a chore. And bras are damn expensive.

I love to shop at Victoria's Secret and I know they are having the huge sale now...but I have to have my bras and panties matching. So, I can't just shell out bucks for the bra but I have to get the matching thong/panties/ girlie boxers/ whatever. So it becomes a "thing". I usually buy at Lane Bryant but sometimes I just want something frilly and pretty from VS.

And then there's the care and maintenance of said bras and panties after the purchase that is also a "thing" for me. I remember about 5 years ago when I was living in the "frat" house, we had an old washing machine that 3 of my bras were massacred by the agitator. That damn thing ate a hook right off my fav black bra. And mangled the under wire on another. And snapped a strap of the third. I was rather pissed because I was short three bras and had panties without partners. I learned from that mistake so I now wash them all in mesh garment bags, in cold water, and then hang them up to dry. Poor Mac has to tolerate a sea of under wire and panties hanging all over the bathroom- cliched yes, but where else do I put them?

Anyway, back to buying bras and underwear. I've gained some weight I'm struggling to take back off. So nothing fits right. I hate that. They feel binding...And I don't like the stick thin perky clerks at VS who think they can help a full figured woman with a bra. Hell, most of them don't look like they even need bras so I hate it when they make suggestions. Back away from my boobs, you bony bitch!

I love the scene in Beaches about the history of the bra- it has to be right! (And I am so glad we all it a bra and not a titsling) I swear some man invented that dang contraption. As a woman in my upper 30's, my boobs are in the general vicinity of where the Goddess put them long ago but at this age and after a baby (yes my baby is 17 years old but he was a baby once...), they sort of need some help to a northerly position, so I love the bras that are what I think of as multi purpose. I like an under wire that lifts, separates and can add cleavage. I also have some minimizers to help keep everything firmly in place- hey at my age some jiggling is acceptable but to much is just...gross...the type of gross like a trailer park slut riding on the penny pony in the Walmart lobby!

So now I need to go bra shopping. I need to bring someone along where I can say, "Do my boobs look too jiggly in this thing?" I would love to take ITSam with me to shop for a bra but I'm not sure that would be effective for the actual bra purchasing... *ahem* It would be great if I could just ask a random guy who is in the mall his opinion of what my boobs look like in a bra as I try them on. He doesn't have anything emotionally invested in my boobs. He isn't going to ever see me in the aforementioned bra again so why would be care? He doesn't have a vested interest in the jigglyness or lack there of of my jugs so I think a random stranger could be very helpful in bra selection. Actually what I need is a gay guy who checks in with the Queen team. Or just a good girlfriend. I know Lilith, Curley, or XRay Girl would be of help!

And bras do so much these days that I swear they might as well come with a set of boobs to go in them...oh, wait, they do! It is the Wonderbra! Now, I can't wear a wonderbra- my chest is large enough now that if I "wondered" them I couldn't see over them! But I have to laugh at all the options- padding, no padding, water bras, inserts that are removable, lined... Bras should come with a tag like a car- they have about as many options!

Oh, a brief bra digression- last year at Christmas the water bras were "in" and it seemed after Christmas vacation, all the 7th and 8th grade girls in the junior high school came back to school with them. Well...Let's say that I am sure the principal never thought he would be calling parents to tell them their son popped some girl's bra with a pencil and it leaked so he got detention. And then the administration had to address this "issue" with the kids- and the girls had to stop wearing them. It was a bit odd to see the girls go off flat chested for Christmas break and return with a huge bosom. .. "Dear Santa, Please bring me boobies. Love, Suzy". Guess Santa got tired of filling stockings!

Okay, off to the mall and the probably to the safety of Lane Bryant. VS is entirely too stressful. I'll just my favorite bra in a few more colors and forgo the pretty lacy things.

Boobs at the ready!

On another note...

Or how about this?


xinex said...

LOL! Your post is so funny. Good luck finding the right bra. Have you ever tried the brand Soma?...Christine

Bragger said...

Sullen Teenager wants a boob job for graduation, and her mother APPROVES! Hubby thinks it's amusing. I think it's appalling. She's only 15!

Claudia@DipityRoad said...

Thanks so much for stopping by my spot.

First you always make me laugh so hard! Your writing is brilliant and well balanced and paced. PERFECT... and btw... I 100% agree with you.

Perhaps we could make a date meet at VS -- and punch out the little Boney BiOtches! :)

Have the best week!


Lilith said...

Hey I need to go bra shopping too! We should "hook-up". LOL

black eyed susans kitchen said...

You are just too funny! Have a wonderful week, and stop sweating the small stuff.

Mary said...

You make the everyday fun to read. I really enjoyed my visit this morning but would pay a king's ransom to see the look on the principal's face as he made that call. I hope you are having a great day. Blessings...Mary