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Wednesday, October 6, 2010

Return of the killer spider, and other arachnid tails

Do you remember back in April when I wrote about the huge big spider that tried to eat me and the entire laundry room but when it knew Mac was hunting it because I was hysterically sobbing in fear of its huge-ness, it ran away and was never seen again? I think it was a killer spider. Seriously.

Well, vindication is mine, so saith Maggie- and on so many levels. Everyone thought I was exaggerating the size of the killer spider. Everyone made fun of me and teased me, even though it was really big. And I was really scared it would bite me- and spider bites are dangerous. But Daddy-O and Mac made fun and didn't believe me and I was hurt and pissed.

So, last week Mac and ITSam (who I wasn't dating at the time of the spider spotting but heard the stories and doesn't believe me either!) were waiting for me to come out of the bathroom so we could go somewhere (I always pee the very last thing before I leave the house, even if I'm just going to Wal-Mart and don't even have to really go. Anyway...) I picked up a towel Mac left on the floor and out of the corner of my eye I see movement and I hear, on the other side of the bathroom door, cries of "holy shit!", "Oh My God, do you see that thing?", "What the fuck is that?", and then, "MOM do NOT come out of the bathroom." )That last one was from Mac)

Apparently, the killer spider made its return and scared the shit outta Mac and Sam who were trying to figure out how to kill it. I'm on the other side of the bathroom door listening to all this, hoping to all deities that this time it gets killed. (Okay I wasn't exactly on the other side of the door. I was standing in the bathtub in case in ran back in to attack me. But I could still hear from there!)

First they had to talk about how huge it was. It was an "epic" sized spider, it was a "huge ass" spider, was was a "mutant" spider. Then it moved, apparently, and they both screamed like little girls and there was a great amount of stomping and swearing. They both deny it but I'd wager money that they were standing on dining room chairs, hand to Goddess!

Sam was in sandals and Mac was in flip-flops so they were both freaking out over who was going to stomp it or how it would die. It was determined and Mac went and put on snow boots. He came back and there was more shrieking and screaming; apparently it moved and was headed toward THEM!

Now, consider this. These two guys are supposed to be my rescuers, screaming in a voice that only dogs could hear? These 2 big guys, one wearing snow boots, are scared of my spider. Well, hell, no wonder I had nightmares if these dudes are frightened! And it moved toward them and they still run from it. And I'm trapped in the bathroom, oscillating between terror and hysterical laughter.

So, finally Mac decided he "had the balls" to kill it. He ran toward the spider, with Sam screaming "it's on the go, headed right toward you!" (I have no idea if he was referring to Mac or the spider or to whom he was speaking, to Mac or the spider). Finally, when he stepped on it, crying :got you mutherfu****", the spider's actual guts popped out and it was a hairy, bloody smear all over the laundry room floor. Both guys had the heebee-jeebees from it, prancing from foot to foot, convulsing with the full body shivers.

I refused to clean it up on the grounds that it was the biggest spider I had ever seen- TWICE, and since no one believed me, someone else was scrubbing up spider guts. Mac used 409 and Windex on his boot, and the floor. I think he used about a million paper towels and swore he was going to need a shower.

Yeah, my heroes. Sheesh!

Maggie

6 comments:

Shan said...

HAHAHA!!! You have been vindicated!! Did you find out what kind it was? I think wolf spiders are HIDEOUS when they get too big. Plus they are super fast and occasionally rare up at you. Uhuhuhuh. Creepy creep!! That reminded me of the battle I had with a big wolf spider in my bathroom the other day. I sprayed him THREE times with bug killer and he actually played limp until I went to get something with which to scoop him up. When I came back he had fled the scene. What the ef?!!

We get Brown recluse around here but they are a lot more spindly and their bodies are smaller. Those we catch in glue traps here and there. Yuck Yuck Yuck!!!

Jimmie Earl said...

Gee, I'm glad you three finally figured out how to kill that thing. Now, if you could only find the phantom mouse trap!
JR

Lilith said...

ROFLMAO! OMG that was fricken hilarious!

I can picture you in the tub screaming. LOL

Curley said...

Way to funny. Now I know that guys do the heebee-jeebee dance too, not just us girls. I also know the reason I had to hunt down the paper towels the other day when there. That is the reason I don't run around barefoot.

Jesse Noe Mendez said...

Hi sweetie,

first of all, great post. I could feel the terror in your voice, and I could relate to the moment.

I am a spider hater, and I spent most of my summer doing the posionous spray routine inside, and outside our home. I even caught a brown recluse spider trying to run towards a couch, big mistake, I think I was reading a book, and well the rest is history, a hard stomp on the floor.

take care sweet....

xoxoxoxoxo

Amy said...

Oh my eyes are tearing up! I can just picture it. While we haven't had a big spider here we do get some big a** roaches. One chased my husband once! If I weren't so freaked out I would've been laughing too!

Our heroes! At least they come through in the end.