Friday, October 22, 2010

Confession time

Okay, so I hate to admit it but I'm going to... I'm a bit messed about over this whole "break up with ITSam" thing.

It's not that I want him back and it's not "if I can't have him no one can" thing either- certainly not that. And I know I was going to probably break it off myself, before he beat me to the punch.

I think it's a few things. One, I went from seeing him every single day to nothing. That's weird. It would be a bit normal to feel a little lonely after all that togetherness, right? Even though at the time I felt a bit smothered it's been almost two week and I still think if we had slowed down I would've been okay. So I think I just miss him because he was a habit, I think. And most of the time I did like spending time with him and having someone to go out with of the opposite sex, to be treated nicely. That was good.

The other thing that has me bummed is that since he's on a dating site and I would assume he's communicating/ dating/ hell, he's probably married to someone by now. What that means is that I wasn't anything special to him at all. I was just a person who gave him attention, that he could tolerate, that filled a void. As Mac said, in summary, was that Sam's drug of choice was not being alone so he would desperately try and hook up with someone. He said, in essence, Sam's addiction was women, but not for sex, but to save him from himself, from being alone. Damn, I have a smart kid. So all that talk of marriage and love and being his one and only was really just that... talk. I wasn't special or the love of his life.

It's just that... it was nice to "feel" that way or to think I was like that.

Everyone kept telling me he was "nice". That was the word used over and over again. And he is nice, but messed up, too. It still doesn't make me feel any better. This proves that nice guys still suck and that I'm just... not worth it. I don't know what I'm trying to say.

I just feel bad about it all.

Maybe it's messing with me that I will probably see him at work tomorrow. I figure he'll try to talk to me, and I'm going to flat out call him on the dating site thing, or he'll ignore me, or worse... he have his new "girlfriend/ date/ fiancee/ wife/whatever she is" pick him up and I'll get to see that, which would suck. Maybe I should warn her. Maybe he'll be mature and just ignore me and not even come that direction. Could I get that lucky?

Maybe it's because the jeweler called and left a voice mail for me (on Thursday afternoon) that my engagement ring was ready to be picked up.

I know that when it comes right down to it, it doesn't matter, he won't change, I'm probably lucky this ended, and I'll be fine going back to being alone again. But right now it doesn't feel fine.



Shan said...

Of course it doesn't feel good to break up and totally change your daily schedule and future plans. You have every right to grieve this experience and feel all those things. Then, you'll feel better and better and get back in the game.
And you know he is just trying to fill the void you left in his life too. I'm sure he realized you were fabulous and a special find.

Jimmie Earl said...

You were probably the best thing to ever happen to him. He just couldn't handle the fact that you were more independent than any other girlfriend/wife/whatever that he had ever had.
I know this hurts and you feel somewhat messed up, but know that you are going to survive this and get on with your life after the wounds heal. And they will heal.

Evil Pixie said...

Dang! You do have a smart kid! Now on to ITSam...

Having gone through a not-so-pleasant break up in recent months, I can relate (though your circumstances were far different than mine). It's difficult to make that transition from being with someone every day and being told on a regular basis how wonderful you are, to being by yourself every day and realizing he may not have meant what he said. But here's the thing, at that point, at that time, he did mean what he said. I have no doubts he meant every word. Additionally, you may not be "with" someone right now but look at all the wonderful, joyous people you are surrounded by. Not many people are lucky enough to have that. Relish them and what they give you, and don't allow what was to interfere.

ITSam's issues are his own. Don't let those issues pull you down and cause you to question what you had with him or yourself. At the time, it was real, it was fun, and you smiled (and probably laughed) a lot. This is a good thing. It's also a good thing that you miss it because it means there were a lot more good moments than not-so-good momenets. But you will have it again. It will just be with someone else. And when that new person comes along, you'll have taken what you learned from your experiences with ITSam and have an even deeper, more fulfilling relationship.

In the meantime, take a deep breath, throw on something pink, eat a little chocolate, and just appreciate the fan-friggin'-tastic fabulousness that is you. And when you see ITSam at work... Just be you. If he approaches, so be it. Hold you head high and be proud. Let him know you wish him the best, but you've already moved on. And if he doesn't approach, that's fine too. He probably just can't handle how amazing you are. And if he has a new girlfriend/date/fiancee/wife/blow-up doll, so be it. Obviously he had to settle for second-rate after having been with you.

Jimmie Earl said...

Yeah! What Evil Pixie said.

Bragger said...

Whenever you start to have doubts about the break-up, just remember that potential step-son.......