Thursday, September 30, 2010

Slowing down

I've decided to slow things down with ITSam. I need to do it.

I have a whole, big looooooooong list of reasons, but first and foremost I'm not sure this is what I want. It's all been too much, way too fast. He's a nice guy, yes, and nice guys should not finish last at all, and the problem isn't about being too nice, or anything of the sort. He is nice, but we don't have lots in common. I find it difficult to sometimes to have a conversation with him because of that.

I feel like anything I say about him is going to make me small or petty and I don't mean to be. It might make me sound callous or harsh and I'm not usually either of those things, either. But there is too much, too fast. We don't have much in common. He likes to spend huge amounts of time together and while I sometimes enjoy that, I often... don't. Sometimes I feel smothered. Mac even asked me one day last week if I felt like that--- scary when your own self absorbed teenager figures it out. (Damn kid's a lot more perceptive than I ever want to admit, especially when it comes to his old mother!) My brain works differently than Sam's does and that sometimes causes me a problem.

ITSam is a good person but I'm not ready to get married or move in together. I'm not even ready to have it as a discussion. So no more talk of rings or apartments, thankfully. I like the idea of sparkly jewelry but not all that comes with it. I like the idea of not having to be a burden to Daddy-O any longer, but not at this personal sacrifice. I'm just not ready to give up the idea of traveling the world. I'm not ready to adapt to the role of "step-mother"-- what a wretched title! I'm not quite sure I'm ready to be HIS girlfriend; there isn't anyone else and I'm not willing to rule out a relationship with someone, but this one in particular isn't just all clicking for me. I am, however his girlfriend, but I'm not sure I want to be, but I can live with for awhile as I figure it all out. (I sort of mentioned not being and I thought the guy was gonna cry so I back peddled that because he looked to crest fallen. And it was going to make the "slow down" part a huge, big THING.)

Sam wasn't happy about my choice but he said at least we weren't breaking up so he can live with it. So, slowing down...



Amy said...

Good for you. Go with your gut girl! Now is the time to figure all this out. Honestly, you will actually be sparing him pain if you figure it out early. The longer it goes on the harder it is.

My daughter was in this situation (on the other side) and after the initial pain was over she wished he had just broken it off when he knew instead of dragging it out. It's never easy hurting someone you care about but it's like pulling off a bandaid fast or slow.

I hope you figure out what you want to do and have the courage if needed to do it.


Curley said...

I know that this wasn't an easy decision for you. That being said, you have to go with your gut feelings. For all the reasons you listed. Better to cool things off than be walking down the aisle when neither one of you are ready.

Jimmie Earl said...

I've been wondering about this from the get-go, but refused to open my mouth. The last thing you need at this stage in your life is an interfering parent. I know how that goes from past experience of my own (on your mom's side). Go with your heart and gut. Kiss some more frogs!

Anonymous said...

Gut girl.. it never leads you wrong... doesn't sound like love ..

hmm here for you..