Sunday, April 18, 2010

A bit melancholy this morning

Mac seemed to have a great time at the Prom. He looked so grown up and dashing in his tux. I mean, he looked really REALLY grown up. I can see why the girls think he's a cutie. Okay, so I'm his mother and I'm biased but really, he was looking really cute. And grown up.

And since I have this ADD brain* the path I took was...

He's growing up and next year he's going to university and then law school. He's not going to hang out this me or stay at home with his 'old' mom all the time. Because he'll be at school doing grown up things that boys do in school; hopefully that will also involve lots of studying....

And he'll meet some woman and get married and have his own family.

Or he'll be as screwed up as I am about love and relationships and he'll just shag everything in a skirt and marry his job and have lots of money and jet around the world spending it frivolously.

Either way, he won't be hanging out with his mother, who will be old and alone. Well, not so old; I won't be 40 before he goes to college. My point is, he won't be at home with me.

Frankly, then, that means a huge part of my life is coming to a close and what the hell am I going to do now?

Daddy-O, I'm not killing you off, no matter what the employees at Hobby Lobby think (we were looking at vases and saying how nicely they could be turned into urns for him when he died, and we got some strange looks...anyway) and as we were talking the other day, we are both closer to death than, well, not death. I mean, you're almost 65 so you're not going to be here forever. And I'm staring at 40-- someday-- shit, someday soon!

And I'm going to be alone. I've said for a good many long years now I was a person who was meant to be alone. I never figured I would have a relationship that would amount to much, or that I've played all the loved cards I was dealt, or that I'm not the marrying kind. Hell, even if I could find a man, I think I'm too old for him to want to marry me, even if said hypothetical relationship should ever happen... (We all know I'm a bum magnet. Nothing good comes of me dating other than disasters that make for excellent blog fodder.) Really, who would WANT to marry me?

But I never really thought of what alone meant, and how alone that really really is. Mac is going to do something astounding with himself. I can feel it in my bones. He has enough of my wanderlust in him so he'll make home wherever he is. But he will be an adult. Daddy-O will die and I'll be really alone.

When I think of alone like that, it's really REALLY alone.

Even if I'm an atheist, can I still be a nun and join some sort of sister cloister thingy? I could fake it........ right?

All Hail the Big Three (of course I mean Prada, Dolice, and Gabana),
Sister Mary Maggie Mae, patron saint of shoes..... and lost cause romances

*I would like to point out that at the beginning of this post I warned you I was going to take you on a trip through my ADD brain.... you WERE warned. Geez!


Regina said...

I do have that feeling too about my son:). He still in junior high.
You will not be alone that's for sure.
Have a great day.

Jimmie Earl said...

Don't bury me just yet! I haven't lived in Tuscany, sipped wine, or been in love for the last time...yet.

Maggie said...

Regina-- the odds of alone looks good...

JE- I said I wasn't killing you off yet.

Martha's Favorites said...

Hi: I am so sorry for how you are feeling this morning. It is hard to let go of children. I have had to do it with three. It does not get any easier. I am currently letting go of my last child. It is hard. Some days are good, some not so good. You just have to give them to God and take each day one at a time. This too will pass. Blessings, Martha

sam said...

Hi Maggie,

Ummmm....he said bury, not kill. Probably could have left off the word "yet" too!!!

As close as you and Mac are he will never be far away!


Did you get the coupons?

Maggie said...

Martha- this whole growing old and growing up thing sort of sucks...

Sam- oh semantics! tomato- tamahto, bury, kill....

And I did get the coupons, thanks. I emailed you back- you didn't get it? My email has been REALLY wonky this week, and I'm learning lots of people haven't got stuff i've sent, which is very frustrating!

Curley said...

OMG! About fell off my chair. Funny. On the other hand you could have a child like mine. Almost 20 and still at home doing nothing. Mac will never be far away cause he is always in your heart.

Maggie said...

Curley- I'm glad you saw the intended humor here!!!!!! that's why you're my BFF, baby! *kisses*

Mermaids of the Lake said...

Ahhh... Maggie Mae. I completely and totally feel your pain. As said in my email to you, my son had his prom last year and he graduated last Spring. He just left home 3 weeks ago to travel for 3 months to the South. (we live in WA. State) to be a pro-bass fisherman. He is living his dream and loving it. To watch him pull out of our driveway with is beautiful fancy boat, in the dark, early morning hours was the most difficult time for me yet. I have been greiving and celbrating his success all at the same time. I still can't believe he can drive, let alone drive all the way to Texas! Enjoy these last few months. And your boy will be a great, happy success and always come back to his mom.

Mermaid Debbie

Anonymous said...

I am ready for mine to go off.... LOL

Coralie Cederna Johnson said...

Maybe...just maybe you'll have wonderful grandchildren in your life! It's always tough to see an "era" end but there is always a new one beginning!
Enjoyed your speak the feelings many of us have experienced!

Cheryl said...

Oh....I read this and I couldn't help thinking about so many of the things ex gf would say.

I really think that life turns out the way we decide it'll turn out. When ex gf would say I'll never find someone, I'm too old/out of shape, etc. for anyone to want me, I'd think, how do you know? Have you asked every guy out there? Because I saw plenty of evidence to the contrary, but because she'd already decided this was the way it was, she could never see it.

Maybe I'm wrong. I know there's an element of chance, accident and maybe even fate. But if you at least learn to expect the best possible outcome, there's a bigger chance of it becoming a reality.

I mean past experience may teach you to expect the worst, but try to really examine if this is actually true, even if this is painful. It may help you to discern what is fear based illusion and what is reality.

Make a list of older women you admire, women who've gone against the norm and did what you hope to do in the best version of your life. Also maybe make a list of all the things you'd like to do if there was nothing holding you back. I mean, haven't you hear 40 is the new 30?

All I'm saying is don't give up on yourself! For God's sake, don't. Because in the end, it's better to fail than to never try.

Gulo said...

Well said Cheryl! My husband is one of those people who just knows what he wants and thinks positively...and in the end he ALWAYS gets it! I have come to believe there really is something to that "positive thinking".

Wiley said...

You'll be right, mate. Mac will always be there to frustrate and love you. He may not always be in arms reach but he'll always be there.
And so will your friends, so you'll never be alone. In fact you'll be begging us to leave you alone and give you some peace. Trust me.

And one day when you're not looking, someone will sneak up and sweep you off your feet again. The giant chicken has a plan for all of us - and then we go and add to it by planning ourselves. And sometimes the rug gets pulled out from beneath us and it turns out to be a great thing.

This life ride has a heck of a high entry price, but you can't say it's not an interesting ride.

Anonymous said...

I've been married for almost 16 years now and my kids are 14 and 9, so I have a bit more of a way's to go yet, but it will come quick!

I was just talking about this very subject with the hubster this morning at the coffee shop....we are planning to look only at the positive side of being alone, well in my case alone/together with my hubby, and that is..... 'more naked days around the house' when the kids' are gone! lol

i feel for you, you have valid issues...but....
you are such a free bird!
fly lady, one to answer to...
do what you feel like at the drop of a hat...

try to look on the bright side, maybe he'll never marry and stay with you for all your grey days! lol

would that be a good thing, or a bad thing?

I'm 35, so what do I know....haven't done enough livin' yet!