Can I have a ride?

I lived in the Wild West for almost 3 years and I never got a driver's license from there... yeah, I know, I know.

But, my Civilization license expired on my birthday, so I have been driving on an illegal license for several months. In my defense, I didn't know it expired on my birthday in 2008; I legitimately thought I it expired in 2009.

Now, all that being said, one of the first things I wanted to do when I got home was get my ass to the BMV so I could renew it. But I had to wait until I received mail at my new address.

I get my mail, my Social Security card, and my old license and bebop down to the BMV. I had a book and a coffee- I laid in supplies for the long wait. I walk in the door and lo and behold I am the only person in there, other than 6 employees. And when is the last time you've seen happy BMV workers? They were happy- or at least no longer bored because I was a living, breathing person other than themselves.

I happen to get a clerk I'll call Dolly because she wanted to be Dolly Parton. At least I think she did by the hair. Her big hair. That same Dolly color- well, parts of it were the Dolly color. The fake super curly clip piece was the Dolly color and could've been purchased as a gen-u-ine Dolly Parton hairdo from Dollywood Gift Shoppe. Her original color was a sort of blond with smoke yellow highlights... But she seemed NICE!

She wasn't super bright either... but she was NICE! So I take a seat, give her my mail with my new address, my SS card, my old license (with the super CUTE picture of me!), and she smiles at me. I smile at her. She taps in the computer and then she frowns at me. I frown.

Dolly: "You have points on you're license."
Me: "Oh."
Dolly: "There are 6."
Me: "Oh."
Dolly: "You have to take the test."
Me: "What? Oh shit, are you kidding?" Uh, yes, I said Oh shit at the BMV. Loudly.
Dolly: *giggles* "Hunny" she said this and patted my hand- "Hunny, it's not so hard. I work here and almost failed, though."

I have test anxiety. I about stroked out right there in the middle of the BMV. What if I failed? I hadn't studied! I'm a teacher; I would never allow a person to take a test who didn't study! And I think I blurted that out because the next thing I know, Dolly is printing a test for me and telling me if I fail, I can come back and take it as many times as I want until I pass- it's free. Was that supposed to make me feel better? It didn't.

I take my test to the testing nook, under the watchful eye of Dolly, after being told I am NOT ALLOWED TO USE MY CELL PHONE while taking a test- what, did they think I would phone a friend? I read the directions- I could miss 6 written questions and 2 signs, and still pass. Six?!? If I missed 3 signs or more, I automatically failed. If I missed 7 written or more, I automatically failed. Well, that's reassuring, isn't it? I was not feeling BMV love, or Dolly love. But she sat behind her desk, smiling encouragingly, and doing a twiddle finger wave at me.

Like a good test taker, I read through all the questions first, I knew I had no time limit so I could take my time, I was breathing deeply and I found the answer key attached to the back of the test. Oh great. The answer key. now- I had the Good Angel in Manolos and the Bad Angel in Payless Pumps yakking in each ear... Manolos won and I gave Dolly the answers back- but it would've been really easy for me to NOT have done that!

So, I take the test and sweat. I'm thankful she didn't tell me I had to go to defensive driving school or take the driving part of my test. At question 8 I thought defensive driving school might not be so bad. At question 13 I thought I might be able to bribe a person who would be giving me the driving test. At question 22 I was ready to cry. At question 28 I was wondering if Daddy-O would loan me his bicycle. At question 32, I was plotting the murder of Sheriff Deputy Sam in the Wild West who gave me all the damn tickets that caused the points, and at question 37 I decided driving was overrated, walking would be good for me, and that the people who wrote this test knew nothing about test writing at all- obviously they were not educators and they probably thought No Child Left behind was good legislation. And the signs- a plain, empty circle? I was really thankful for multiple choice.

During the 37 minutes it took me to take the test, in came 26 people and the computers went down. I had no idea what would happen since the computers were down. but lucky me, they came back on just as I went back to Dolly. I took that as a good sign that I would pass!

She graded my test and I missed 1 sign. A picture of a truck with a slash through it doesn't mean "trucks are bad"; it means unloading or something like that... I missed 2 on the written part. How many feet are you supposed to stay behind a car at night and keep your dims on- feet? FEET? I had no idea- I guessed poorly. The other one I missed was another feet/ yards question. I was just thrilled that I passed! Dolly told me I was brilliant! Well, you know... what can I say? Whew!!! I passed... Then she made me take another test- the eye test. I was practically hyperventilating at this point... I thought after all this, I wouldn't be able to see! But alas, I can drive, as long as I do it with glasses or contacts, which I've had as a restriction since I was 16 years old.

Next, I had to get my license picture. This was interesting because with the whole identify theft of people sweeping the nation, we are now basically having mug shots taken. I realize I have committed some criminal acts in the past *Please Trooper, don't take me in!* but I've never yet been arrested and after seeing my new picture, I never want to be! And my old picture was soooo cute! Anyway, I had to take my glasses off, and pull my hair off my forehead. I wasn't allowed to smile largely and no showing of teeth and I couldn't cock my head to the right like I'm prone to do in all my pictures. Yup- I'm sporting a Civilization license that resembles a mug shot. I knew I was too cute for prison...

It was an ordeal. I was overwhelmed. Something I thought would be easy turned into a situation that came out well! I sport a 6 year license, I'm a donor, I look like a criminal and I'm ready to drive- all for a mere $26.

Did I mention my Mocha Latte got cold during all of this? No wonder people hate the BMV!

Stay off the roads,
Maggie