Wednesday, January 4, 2012

2 dates, 1 guy: Part II

What follows is my accounting of the second date with the "meet cute" guy. I told Lilith about it and I thought she was going to insight a riot with this... well, about him. So in an attempt at being fun, I wrote the post and Lilith added her editorial comments- these are found in red italics. I have to say it's like telling her this story in person and getting her response...

So I said I would go to dinner with this guy on Sunday night. I had plans to see a matinee with XRayGirl so I told him I couldn't meet until 6pm; that plan changed so I let him know I was free earlier... so he wanted to meet at 4pm. For dinner? Uh, okay. Ok, I must say 4pm for a dinner usually means one of two things: 1.) he lives at home with mommy and wants to get back before dark OR 2.) he's hoping he can turn an early dinner into a booty call!Then we had a 20 minute discussion about where. Now, I'm sort of old school in some ways. I feel cornered if a guy wants me to pick the place so I've made it a habit to give 2 or 3 suggestions that I like and usually a guy picks one of those. I don't like it if a guy says "we're eating here" and I can safely say no man has ever done that. I also don't mind if a guy offers suggestions or says "do you like Italian (or insert ethnicity here)" and then suggestions a place. But this guy made me give suggestions and then pick one. He wouldn't commit to any place at all. So after that we decided on a cute local pizza place here in my town, where I could meet him, even though he did offer to pick me up (I'm not comfortable with that idea.). Wise choice! And why ask for suggestions if he wasn't going to pick?

I also want to say he thinks he super macho. He's about 6'3" and overweight but he has a "fu manchu" goatee thing and is into all sorts of "manly" things like NASCAR, hunting, fishing, guns, gun collecting, making his own ammo (HUGE RED FLAG if he makes his own ammo!), Harleys. He thinks sports are stupid and isn't "into" that but when he "bulks up" he's going to give UFC a try (it's Ultimate Fighting Championship), like cage matches or something. He thinks THAT's a sport yet NFL players are pussies. Are you understanding what I'm trying to say here? This guy thinks he is hot shit but is a total redneck- and I feel like I'm insulting rednecks everywhere. That would be a correct assumption! LOL

And he swears A LOT. I know that sounds like pot calling the kettle black but he used the F-word ALL the time, as all 8 parts of speech. I was taken aback. I was just surprised.

I like this... he has a 3 year old daughter and he named her "Tyme." I said i thought that was unusual and asked if it was a family name or if there was a story behind it. He said yeah and proceeded to tell me he always like the actress Tyne Daily from Cagney and Lacy, who reminded him of his mom. Well, he said he always thought her name was Tyme Daily... ooops. He didn't realize his mistake until it was already on her birth certificate. O-kay! Isn't that something you should make sure of before you make it official?

He also said, at some point in a relationship everyone needs to compromise. I said I agreed. He said he might want me to go see a UFC fight. And I just smiled. I then said I might want him to go shoe shopping with me and he snorted and said, "not a fucking chance. that's what you have girlfriends for." What happened to compromise? It's called, you'll do what I want and like it (that's his definition of compromise)! What an asshat!

He also talked about how much he wants to go to Fan Fest in Nashville next summer and ride his Harley (a Harley he hasn't bought yet either!) down there. He asked me if I would like to do something like that. I told him that frankly, no I wouldn't because I don't like the heat, I don't like country music, and I don't think I would like to ride that far on a Harley. He said that I would suck it up and go and like it and I didn't know anything. Holy shit, where did this ass-backwards jackass come from? Is he gonna drag you by your hair and throw you on his imaginary Harley? Did he even know how to use utensils when you went to dinner?

He also makes jokes about his weight but he also made comment about MINE. OH NO HE DIDN'T! Uh, yeah. He said something about people looking at the fat guy and thinks he'll be jolly but I should understand that because I probably get that too....... oh yes, he did say that. He also bluntly said he liked that my boobs looked jiggly but fat girls usually had that going and he was a man usually liked girls with small perky ones but mine looked nice. They are nice boobs! Thank God he said that after we were given our check and were leaving or I would've got up and left.

Let's see.... oh and I must tell you that everything I said, all night long, was just some giant sexual innuendo. I could say "Did you come down highway 2 to get here?" and he would chuckle and say "no, I didn't COME down there but I drove- heehee". Really? Really? It went on like that all night with everything. (Wait a second, I just lost a contact from rolling my eyes so much) And he bragged that he could make anything about sex. And he did. Even if it didn't make sense. Oh great just what the world needs another sexual innuendo douchebag!

So we met. First, he looked like an idiot. It's the coldest damn day of the year. It's about 10 degrees outside and the wind is blowing so it's around -18 or some such nonsense and we had gusting winds up to 40 mph. And it was snowing. He wore a Harley t-shirt with a short sleeve SNAP up Harley shirt over it. And he's very heavy set so the snaps strained- keep this in mind, please. And he claimed he wasn't cold and NEVER wears a winter coat. I lived in the Wild West in part of the coldest section of the country where some of the manliest men live and they would admit it to it being cold and would dress accordingly. There is nothing macho about frost bite. So when he said he wasn't cold, he was lying and that's just stupid. Didn't you know that Harley clothing makes the wearer impervious to cold!He told me liked to read to his daughter and I said I thought that was really awesome! And he said he's more than just a dumb truck driver and I quote him "Duh, I do know how to read." Look, I'm an English teacher and lover of books so any time anyone says they read to their kids, I get excited!!!! I was not thinking he couldn't read. I'm beginning to think he was lying! It's not reading if it's a book on tape!We don't like the same things: not the same music or movies (he doesn't even really like movies) or hobbies. He has a 3 year old kid and we all know I don't like kids. And we have some seriously divergent beliefs.

He also said he believes every single person in the United States should be armed as much as then can because at some point citizens are going to invade DC and stage "one of those things"- I filled in the word "coup" and he said "yeah one of those" and over throw the government and that citizens should be armed and ready to protect themselves when it's all marshal law and he wants to be able to lead his own militia. Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.......... RUN, RUN FA FA AWAY!!Oh let's see what other little gems he had... he went back to the teachers are snobs idea and he said he thought I was a snob but I was trying hard to not be because I used lots of big words and I claim to like opera and ballet. But I DO like ballet and opera and I do have a big vocabulary. And he said, and I quote him, "I hate it when people stereotype others. Like me, some people think I'm just a stupid fucking truck driver and i ain't." Umm, hello dumbass you (him, not you) just stereotyped teachers. What a fracking asshat!He also had no manners. I'm not kidding. He didn't say thanks or please to anyone. He didn't pull out my chair. And best of all, went out the door ahead of me while I was struggling to get my coat on and he let the door swing close in my face. I pushed it open and he looked back and said, "Uh thought you had it." Not a sorry, or anything and he kept on going.

Did I mention he spent 45 minutes talking about his ex? He even noticed he did and said 'well, I guess that's attractive." Well not any more than any of this other shit...

And after he ate and leaned back in the booth and exhaled, all the snaps on his shirt popped open. LOL, how did you not pee yourself laughing?

I think there could be more but I think this is enough... And this is why I am NOT going on a third date. I don't really think there's a need now, do you? We really need to find you a nice, normal guy! I can't say it enough, what a fricken douchbag!

Thanking God I dodged that bullet,
Maggie and Lilith


Bragger said...

Oh, come on, he was probably just nervous. I think you should definitely go on a third date. HA HA HA HA HA HA HA

He gives the rest of us Harley folks a bad name. His mother probably wonders why we don't eat our young.

Evil Pixie said...

First off - LOVE Lilith's comments. They were exactly what I was thinking.

Second off - Wow!

Third off - Yikes!

And finally... Thank goodness there isn't going to be a third! He is a perfect example of why I don't date.

Curley said...

Lilith got it all right. Well, except the part about guys that make their own ammo. My hubby is pretty normal,(ask Maggie) and he makes his own ammo. Because it's so expensive to buy. I say run away, quickly.

Jimmie Earl said...

Yikes! is right. Run, don't walk, to the nearest shower after that one! LOL!
I am still a believer that there is someone for every one, but he's not for you! And just maybe he might be the exception....there might not be anyone for him! What a turd!
People like him give all of us men, no matter our age, a bad name. I agree with Lilith, "what an asshat!"

Mellodee said...

Well, cross another off your potential Prince Charming list! I just hope he can take NO for an answer! Scary, scary idiot!!

sam said...

Hi Maggie Mae,

Hmmmm, apparently you shouldn't listen to your friends! All of us said "go for it".

'You can tell a macho, he has a funky walk
his western shirts and leather, always look so boss
Funky with his body, he's a king
call him Mister Eagle, dig his chains
You can best believe that, he's a macho man
likes to be the leader, he never dresses grand

Hey! Hey! Hey, hey, hey!
Macho, macho man
I've got to be, a macho man
Macho, macho man
I've got to be a macho! (all right)

Or, the real Macho Man:

(who I just found!)


PS At least you got your rebound out of the way. heehee

sam said...

PS What Evie Pixie said-reason I don't date too!

Shan said...

Oh my goodness me!! I love what your daddio said and E.P. too! Well, we can chalk this up to GREAT blog your expense. Bad dates are the WORST!!! But kinda hilarious later. ;D