Saturday, June 11, 2011

When you've lost that lovin' feelin'

One of the worst feelings in the world is that empty lonely feeling you have after a break-up, after the end of a relationship.

You spend all the time and work on a relationship, getting to know someone and making plans and thinking it's all going along great and then is goes straight to hell. You end up feeling all tired but not the sort that lets you sleep. You feel all emotionally wrung out and sick of feeling like crap but can't seem to stop. You feel sad and are mourning but for a person who is still alive and walking around. You work and see each other, and then *BAM*, you're all alone and just.... well, alone with all these hours to fill with something.

ITSam and I were together for almost a year. We were shy of the one year mark by 21 days. That's it. 21 days. Though we never married nor lived together, never open a joint bank account, we still have some things to untangle. I loaned him some furniture. He has my cell phone number on his plan. There's the deposit to get back on my engagement ring. He put new tires on my car and sometimes makes 'noise' about wanting me to pay for those. Just things that are hassles, that are complicated, that keep us tethered to each other.

There's more there that bonded us, though. I sing praises about having "me" time to do what I want and time to spend with my friends and family as I see fit but I'd worked hard the last 344 days to entwine our lives together and I feel saddened, maudlin, angry, hurt, and... at loose ends. When we were a couple and I had finally settled down, I knew when I got off work from my weekend job, that most likely I would go to his house and spend the night or he would come to mine and we would watch movies until the wee hours.I liked that (most of the time). I just feel so out of sorts. Now tonight when I get off my weekend job, I'm just going home alone. Again. I have time to do what I want without question but I miss his companionship and it's only been days.

It makes work seem different as well. We always had lunch together since we worked in the same place. He would make excuses to come to the school so he could see me. He would bring me treats, and we would share rides. I would call him to just say "I love you". The kids knew us as a couple as did all the employees so it's not only awkward to explain a break-up but work just doesn't seem the same either. Again, it's only been not quite a week but it still doesn't feel the same.

I already miss being part of a couple. I didn't realize how much I had come to rely on him.

Empty empty empty.... right now that's a good word to describe it.

What's even harder is that I have to see him daily. We work in the same place so if nothing else, our paths will cross in the campus cafeteria but more than likely in other places as well. It's hard to see someone you care for, love even, and know that you have to forget it and move on.

I wonder if I miss the companionship or him specifically or all the above, if I miss having someone to do things with and talk to, and so I wasn't going to be the one who is all alone again.



Curley said...

I'm so sorry that you are in such a rough place right now. I would say yes to missing all of the above. You know that you can call me anytime and we can do anything you want. Even if it is just sitting and being quiet.

Bragger said...

Wow, Maggie, that's tough. I know exactly the empty feeling you're talking about. This is one of those times you wish you could just push the "fast forward" button, because time is all that will help. Hugs!

sam said...

Hi Maggie Mae,

You are a hard person to reach!Sorry that you are feeling so sad.

Call if you need to gab.