Thursday, November 11, 2010

A Shocking Experience

Yesterday at school we were bemoaning the idiots that are students. They just are, many of them anyway, by nature. They are stupid creatures. And because of their stupidity, we as educators dream of the opportunity to give them a swift kick, duct tape them or just give 'em a smack.

That being said, I was reminded of a time when I accidentally made this dream come true.

When I lived in the Wild West I was invited to a cattle branding. One of my student's parents invited me and I took this opportunity to learn something new.

There were about 75 people there to help brand about 10,000 head. During the branding, the cattle also received ear tags and an inoculation. Since I had never done anything like this, and I sure didn't want to be on a horse roping the calves, I was put in charge of helping separate the calves from their mommies.

I was given an piece of equipment called a "Hot Shot." It was a long, thin, lightweight rod that I could touch to the cattle to make them move. It gave them a shot of electricity. Nothing that would harm them but would certainly get them moving. Think jolt like that from an electric fence or an electric shock collar for a dog.

I was partnered with a guy who sort of "shooed" or herded the calf in my direction and I gave it a zap with the Hot Shot and it would run up a chute, so it could be strapped to a "calfing table" where it received its brand, ear tag and drug shot. All I had to do was send the calves up the chute, goosing the slackers with the Hot Shot. It wasn't hard work and it was fun.

So I'm just standing there, doing my thing, when one of the most annoying students in the world comes up behind me. This is a kid I didn't really like all that much. He had been disruptive in my classroom on a daily occurrence. He had also been in HUGE trouble with me on 2 separate instances; once when he drew swastikas on a picture of the Star of David (when I was teaching The Diary of Anne Frank) and another time when he called a white kid in his class a "dumbass n-word" (when I was teaching To Kill a Mockingbird). In reality, this kid was just a big, dumb, racist, jerk. But I swear what happened what an accident.

I had never worked a branding and while my job was an easy one, I still wanted to do it right. And I was nervous about goosing the calves with electric jolts. I'm a pacifist by nature so this was a little weird, even though everyone and their brother (literally I had brothers) was telling me it didn't hurt 'em, it just go the calves attention. I was concentrating and trying to "talk" the calves up the chute before I resorted to the hertz usage.

So this idiot kid comes up behind me, taps me on the shoulder and says my name. I'm in deep concentration with my baby cowies and he startles me a bit. I jump and turn around and as I do, he steps toward me and I forgot I had my thumb on the "zap" button and... well...

ZAP!!!! Not once, but twice. Because when I did it the first time, he jumped and so did I- me from shock and him from the current of electricity coursing through him. i stepped forward to see if he was okay and he stumbled- into the Hot Shot. Of which I still had my thumb on the zapper button. So yes, he got it again.


I swear to god, and all other religious deities of your choice, I didn't do it on purpose. At all, ever. It really was an accident.

I finally dropped the Hot Shot and rushed over to him to see if he was okay. He was still standing but barely. He was twitching and jerking. It was sort of... Parkinson-esque. I did feel badly about it, but he was hilarious. For at least an hour he was still wiggling, fussing, and stuttering around.

I do admit it was wrong and on accident. But it was an accident. And couldn't have happened to a 'nicer' kid, if you get my drift!

By the way, his parents weren't mad and I didn't get in trouble. Everyone thought it was funny. However, no one else would come near me after that so I got a new job. I was put in charge of guarding the pickup truck bed that was full of about 500 cans of beer. Uh, yeah...

Accidental revenge is good,


Curley said...

OMG! That is too funny. Yeah, he deserved it. Every bit. Hope to see you later.

Bragger said...

I have ALWAYS wanted a cattle prod to use in my classroom. Oh, the fun I would have..... I'm so jealous!

Gulo said...

Uh...did this kind by chance have a name similar to that of a young male horse? HAHAHAHAHA

Gulo said...

and by "kind" I actually mean "kid". Oops