Sunday, April 26, 2009

Camping on a beautiful day- why? Better titled: I hate camping!

I drove passed Wal-Mart last night and saw something strange. Go figure- a Wal-Mart in the middle of the Midwest, in a small town full of Rednecks and I saw something strange. I think it would be more miraculous if I said I drove passed and saw something normal. Okay, I digress- anyway. the something strange at Wal-Mart.

It was early evening, and darkness was falling. The parking lot lights had yet to come on. It was a great preview to summer- a beautiful breeze was blowing, it was in the mid 80s with a blue sky and fluffy clouds, with a nice warm sun shining. It was a great day.

So I'm cruising passed the Wally World and in the parking lot near the road was an RV. I guess it was a nice RV, the kind that is actually a bus looking thing, not the 5th wheel kind that you pull behind on your car, but is the RV and car combo. It was nice and clean looking. And it was a big one.

At first glance one might think the people were just stopping to get supplies, or pee or whatever people do at Wal-Mart. And it appeared that they parked away from the rest of the cars since they were huge and took up space.

But with closer examination, I think the owner maybe had other plans for his RV in the Wally World parking lot. Because he had the awning popped up, green AstroTurf laid out, lawn chairs and a grill set up. And he was adjusting his satellite dish.

Since when do people camp in the Wal-Mart parking lot? I mean, really? It's no secret that I HATE camping, but if I was a person who went to the effort of getting an RV which was that nice and I was in a community which had more than a dozen campgrounds within 15 miles, I would not be setting up shop in the Wally World parking lot. Isn't the point of camping bonding with nature, or some such shit like that?

And no, I did more investigating and it was not a "model" RV that was for sale. It was some dude who was CAMPING IN THE WAL-MART PARKING LOT!!!!

Personally, I just want to reiterate that I hate camping and nature. My idea of roughing it is a hotel that doesn't have room service. I don't like to hunt or fish. I hate dirt, mosquitoes and all other bugs. I see no purpose in cooking over a fire or sleeping on the ground or in a bedroom on wheels. I hate bees and other things that sting. I don't like to bird watch or chase butterflies. I thinking building a tent is stupid.

And camp fires? Come on, use matches to make a fire! What is this stick rubbing and rock clicking shit? I can barely read a compass let alone track something by the position of the sun. I am NOT peeing outdoors. I hate spiders and things that crawl. I am not much for hiking or mountain climbing. I want air conditioning, indoor plumbing, and a damn good martini bar. I do not like nature.

If Girl Scouts issued badges for shoes shopping, spotting a pair of Manolo Blahniks, or finding a great sale on a blouse, I am your woman. But this back to nature crap is...yucky.

I was totally into the idea of transcendentalism, and Emerson and Thoreau except for the nature part. Walden pond, my ass!

It isn't because I have to have my cell phone, laptop or a TV. That isn't true at all- give me a book and I am just fine. It isn't a technological thing at all. I just do not like nature or bugs.

There are some things I like about the great outdoors, but the list is really, really short. I love moonlight and lots of stars. I love watching the sun set. I like s'mores. I am good at sitting in a canoe and reading as I float down the river. I like riding horses, and I enjoy gardening, I might even plant culinary and medicinal herb gardens this summer. Okay- that is the short list, and see, I told you it was short.

Since I have the box set of Sex and the City, I was watching an episode where Carrie went camping with Adian. She realized she couldn't camp. As I watched that I laughed my ass off (and that's a lotta laughing) because she could be echoing me. I don't do camping. Anyone and everyone who has ever met me knows this. City girls just don't camp. Give me my Starbucks, my high heels, and my city noises because camping is just not my cup of coffee.

And to the dude in the Wal-Mart parking lot: you weren't camping either! Give up! Sell the RV and use the spoils to go back to the hotels, buy a $5 latte, surf the 'net using your fancy-shmancy satellite dish for a condo in Hawaii, because you weren't communing with nature in the parking lot, you weirdo! That was not camping!

Now that I have that off my chest, I need to go battle my way through the jungle like malls for Kohls is having a shoe sale... hmmmm, that sounds like nature!

Camping is for the birds- literally,


Anonymous said...

Walmart allows free camping in their lots. I believe there is a limit though?
Like maybe a night or so?
The folks I have heard do this are simply driving all day to a great real locations and use this more as a "rest stop".
The literally eat , sleep, then hop back on the road again.
I think the reason this Walmart camping freaks people out is that many of these motor homes literally cost more than a real home does.
Especially the ones with special paint and carpet.
It's a real sticker shock the first time you price them LOL.....

Love your blog!!!!!

Curley said...

TM- you are right about Wal-Mart letting people spend the night in their lot. And you think the cost of those motorhomes is bad, try the cost to fill them up with gas and the mileage is about 8 miles to the gallon.

Gulo said...

Easy on the camping and nature thing, Maggie! :)