Wednesday, April 8, 2009

Whazup with Sam and me

We're okay. The last few weeks since I got home from Dublin, things have been tense between us; we were off kilter and outta whack. We couldn't seem to find our groove; we hardly talked.

So being an emotional female I panicked. If I was thinking with my heart I figured he was being distant and giving me the brush off. Something wasn't as good for him as it was me and he didn't want to hurt my feelings so he didn't call, was short tempered, angry and was smarmy.

Now, if I was thinking with my brain I would realize that since I left he had the flu which irritated his asthma. He was also under tremendous work strain because he was told they were going to probably cut his job before the beginning of April. So he went to work daily with the flu and it turned into pneumonia. Then his CEO in San Fran flew in and while he didn't lose his job or have to take a pay cut, he did get demoted and a whole bunch of other folk were laid off. So now instead of being a VP of International Sales he's a trainer. And then he had to learn all the software had had to train people on and then create 10 hour workshops which last three days on material he's never looked at, let alone used. And then he had to go to the Netherlands for his first training. Then he had to come back to Dublin and do another training over more material he had never seen before- same time frame. ALL of this happened between when I left and now.

So I would push about when I would get to see him, he would be grumpy and nasty because he didn't know when. I would push and he would pull. When nothing was said about the next visit and he was in a bad mood he would take his work shit and his lack of good health shit out on me and that caused a mild unpleasantness for all parties.

Last night when he called he said he was thinking about telling me he didn't need more stress and as much as he loved me and hated his job he thought we should end this now because it was too stressful. Then he said he thought that would be stupid because we had the potential for something amazing and he spilled us guts about everything- his baggage of his ex wife, comments I made that would cause him stress, his family, religion,. work... you name it and he covered it all. he also didn't place blame fully on me- he outlined his own "issues" and explained he knew what his hot buttons were and that those things weren't me. Then he wanted me to talk and we did.

The bottom line: Communication scored BIG. We basically plowed through this together and talked. It was amazing. And enlightening. For example, it drove me nuts that he never said he missed me, so I just thought he didn't miss me. I told him this. Well, it seems when he was married and traveled and told his ex wife he missed her (back when she was a wife) she would reiterrate with screaming at him to come home, find another job without travel, etc... so he just didn't want to say it. I told him I would never do that, and that if he told me he missed me I at least knew he was thinking of me, or that he MISSED me. Point solved.

We talked and it was good. We sort of made a deal. First we are not going to hole up emotions like that which cause us to be anxious and caustic. I am not going to say one word about visiting him again over the next 2 weeks because with his newly re-arranged job he doesn't know when it will work but he's trying to figure it out- he WANTS me there now, but it doesn't work. He is going to be more free with his emotions and realize I won't bite his head off like his ex did.

And then to prove to me that he did miss me, he thought of me often throughout the day, that he didn't really want to end this at all, that he loves me more than he thought possible, that he was really sorry for hurting me... he sang to me and played the guitar. He learned a song I like and that he thought would be apropos: "Baby you can sleep while I drive."

I love this guy.

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