I really really had a few things I didn't want to do: I don't want to work with kids of any age, I don't want to work with old people, I don't want to sell stuff, I don't want to work with animals. I'm not sure I want to work with people of any kind. I don't want to be in charge and I don't want to be a Wal-Mart greeter. I don't want to work with sick people. I don't want to work for a not-for-profit and earn my own salary. I don't want to work with poor people. I don't want to life heavy stuff, either. In the 1980s movie Say Anything I am totally in touch with what Lloyd Dobbler told Diane Court's dad: "I don't want to sell anything, buy anything, or process anything as a career. I don't want to sell anything bought or processed, or buy anything sold or processed, or process anything sold, bought, or processed, or repair anything sold, bought, or processed. You know, as a career, I don't want to do that."
I also don't have a network. I don't seem to know people who are in the know. I don't know those who are influential. I also don't know anyone who can or will call someone and say, "I'm going to send you my friend Maggie's resume and she is great. I hope you could interview her if you have an opening in your company- she would be a real asset." I just don't KNOW these kinds of people. Okay, wait- I know 2 of these kinds of people. One of them is a past Sam who would let me be is mistress, but I'm not sure what sort of salary comes with that- but I am going to call him! the other is a Former Sam from Alaska- I did talk to him, but we'll get to that later.
Daddy-O and I were brainstorming possible jobs for me tonight:
- Apprehension Agent. I could go after bail jumpers just like Stephanie Plum. But I'm afraid of getting hit or shot or having someone spit bodily fluids at me. And I don't like guns. If I got a gun, I could be so pissed because I would end up shooting a hole in my purse. Can't you just hear that conversation as I'm trying to bring down the bad guy? "OMG, you bastard," I would say to the perpetrator. "I just shot a hole in my best Prado bag- and do you know how much that genuine imitation cost me?" So maybe trying to be the next Dog the Bounty Hunter isn't the best job for me. And I bet that no one is going to give me my own personal Ranger or a Joe Morelli... if they did, I would totally sign up and be the cutest agent... ever!
- FBI Agent. Several problems with this because I just can't run at all so that could be a problem; isn't there some sort of physical training requirement? And I don't think Kevlar comes in Plus Sizes. Furthermore, I think that the simple black windbreaker with the letters FBI on the back is just so plain, so ordinary, so nondescript. Now, if they would let me do some redesigning and I could have the black windbreaker- because black is so flattering and slimming- but I want the FBI to be in pink satin with glitter or sparkly outlining.
- Forest Ranger. This might not be the best job for me because I H*A*T*E nature. And I look terrible in green; green makes me look all washed out and jaundice. I also would get lost in the woods because I have no sense of direction. I couldn't point out Poison Ivy unless there was a HUGE sign that said "POISON IVY GROWING HERE- STAY OUT". I would leave a trail of bread crumbs but my luck is that those little bastards Hansel and Gretel would eat 'em. Though, it would give me an excuse to use my flare gun. Forest Rangers get flare guns, right?
The other problem with My Former Sam of Alaska is that while he and I have worked through our differences, his friends... might not have decided to like me just because he does. He said I might have to change my name and lie about where I graduated from college. And claim a different state of residence. And don't list that I lived and taught in the Wild West. Then they might not connect the dots between him and me and might actually give me a job... Hmmmmm, it's sort of sad that he's my "big" connection. Oh dear....
I make two job connections to John Cusak movies so maybe there's a future there for me...? So, today if I don't get called to sub and if Tastee Freeze doesn't come through, then I guess I'll apply to wait tables at the local dinette or at the gas station where I could be a Pump Girl.
You want fries with that?,