Tuesday, March 15, 2011

Pat my own back

I don't usually do this but I'm going to pat myself on my back.

I am damn good at my job. I work well with our kids who are explosive and hurt and angry and scared and mad, all at the same time. I'm good with these kids DAMN IT!!!!!!

Yesterday I broke up a girl fight, breaking up two girls, one of whom is known to be MEAN. I talked her down and got her out of the room and then stayed and talked with her while the administrators did what they had to do. By the time we got any help in the classroom where the fight broke out, I had it it sorted out. And the classroom teacher I helped- it was his room where the girls were fighting- just stood by. All the administrators had to do when they got there was administer the punishment.

I talked to the girl and found out all that was wrong and she cried and spilled. Then she talked- calmly- to the assistant principal, who she hates, and got it together. Funny, it occurred to me that my school has all men as administrators.

Look, I'm good in the library and I'm good at my job there. I like and respect these kids. I like working in education. I will go above and beyond the call for my school. I don't know what it is but these kids click with me and I like them as well. I'm a good to person in my building and I have a good attitude. I don't take crap from the kids but I get where they're coming from. I respect them and i have high expectations.

But I'm tired. I can't get full time hours. I can't get descent money. I am so very happy that they all like me and think I do a good job. I would be a damn good case manager and have been told that by people in power positions but I don't have the right degree. I don't have the right degree to teach or be an administrator. I have the right degree to do nothing.

I'm frustrated and mad. I am GOOD at this. I can't afford to go back to school. I can't afford rent or groceries let alone more school. I can't afford to get a car payment let alone another school loan. I'm tired, I'm angry, and I've had it.

I've found what I need to do but I can't make a living.

I'm sick of looking for a job. I'm tired of watching people hate being in education, hating our kids, bitching all the time about their jobs when they have no clue, of people not doing their damn jobs and I KNOW I could do this far better than at least half of the folks there. This sucks sucks sucks and it's not fair. I'm sick of looking for a new job, of being the new kid on the block all the time, sick of no money, or re-learning, of being at the bottom.

I want to stay home and do nothing and hide from the world. I want to work in a bakery and be the pastry decorator, hiding in the back, dealing with no people and just frosting cake after cake and not being in charge of shit or talking to people. I want to arrange flowers. Show me how and stick me in the back room at the florist and I'll just do arrangement after arrangement. Because I just can't cope with people telling me how great I am, how much they love me, how much I'm appreciated, but "gee I'm sorry we don't have a full time spot for you because you don't have the right ___________(fill in the damn blank)." I don't want to work with people and like it. I want to be regulated to the back of the bus, doing behind the scenes work. Give me a job where I don't have a chance to shine or be good or stand out and let me just do what I'm told, assembly line, rote work.

Screw careers.


Curley said...

I wish I had a million dollars. I would be your sponser so that you could do what you want.

Wiley said...

Oh dude. I wish I could give you a hug. Or get you rollicking drunk. Or both. And I definitely wish I was a "power that be" and massage the rules to accommodate your talents.
Don't EVER give up on your passions and your calling.
This too shall pass (and I'm only reassuring myself a little here being in similar straits).