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Thursday, June 10, 2010

Pity Party for One, please

The plan was to move back here to Civilization in December 2008 and have a full time job with benefits in or very near my hometown in about three months. I would then rent an apartment or a house and stay here until Mac graduated from high school. Then I would either continue, or I would see where my wanderlust took me next.

Well, as the title implies, things didn't go according to plan.

I have applied for at least 200 plus jobs in the last 18 months and none have come to full time fruition. I receive lash praise from colleagues and students each time I enter the teaching arena but I have no teaching license in my home state and need money to afford school to do this, which is a Catch 22= I can't afford school since I don't have a full time job and I can't get a full time job in teaching without a license. And, apparently, I can't seem to get a full time job OUT of education because everyone and their brother is still unemployed. Fuck that the experts say about employment being back on the rise; anyone unemployed in the Midwest will tell you otherwise.

And of that over 200 jobs I've applied for, about 90% are outside of education, so yes, I'm apply all over the place, trying just about anything as one might be known to do when one is desperate.

This summer I'm teaching at Alcatraz and I've applied for a job at a local mental health center, still having not heard anything. I was given a sterling recommendation so I hope that will at least merit an interview, IF they decide to look at people externally. But when the summer ends, it seems I'm back on the substitute teaching list if nothing else comes along.

This summer I had high hopes of living and working in Ireland, but that fell through; I was having help on that end to find a job and a place to live but to no avail. I would've been happy as a live in au pair or a house sitter and a bartender, but the person who was helping didn't seemed to inclined to really "help" so it just became another dream, another disappointment.

I hate it when nothing goes according to plan.

I'm trying to find work and it's not working. I'm stressed to the point of breaking. I'm on the verge of tears all the time. I get home from school and want nothing more than to sleep from 3pm until I have to get up the next day. My uncle (and aunt) where here a short time ago and my uncle adds to my stress... because I don't have a job. Well, duh. If I could get one, at this point, don't ya think I would? It's always on my mind and having it in my face doesn't help.

I worry about EVERYTHING. ALL the time. Sometimes I think it would be easier to crawl into the deep dark recesses of my mind and think about what it would be like to not have to worry about it all, and what I could do to make life easier for everyone, self included, eventually. Those thoughts aren't usually good. I feel like an inmate who's been left in charge of the asylum.

This isn't where I wanted to be or who I want to be. Sometimes, though, a person just doesn't have any means to control... anything.

Mags

7 comments:

Wiley said...

Whoa there. You still have margaritas, right? So it's not all bad. ;)
And let's face it, work is waaay overrated. Well, ok, not when it pays the bills, but in pretty much every other way.

But you know the best thing? Pity parties demand chocolate, and LOTS of it! Watch out for the postie - don't let him steal your Tim Tams :)

Southern Sage said...

It is seldom as bad as it seems. The job market does suck butt though for sure. If the next election turns the house and senate then the economy will hurry back. Good luck girl!

anna @ frosted petunias said...

I vote for margaritas and chocolate too. Sometimes it just sucks when things...well...suck. I'm so sorry. Last week my son's new school layed off all but TWO of their teachers. TWO! I don't even know what that means for next year and I liked all the teachers. Someone somewhere really screwed up I think.

TaDa said...

chin up it will get better

Cheryl said...

I hear you...it's tough over here too and the hardest thing is to stay upbeat about finding work when every possibility seems to keep saying, no, no, no. The only advice I have is to find something about your situation you like, sleeping in, free time to read more, anything. It'll keep you more focused on positive things so you don't fall into a deep(er?) funk, at least. And try to see a bigger picture - maybe you're being called upon to stretch yourself like never before, and in ways you never would have if things had gone more to plan.

Hang in there. You were meant to be happy :)

sam said...

Oh Maggie,

Things will get better. SOmething will happen when you least expect it.

P

Tea Duchess said...

Sorry to hear the job hunt is not going well. I hope things pick up for you soon. Thanks for stopping by my blog the other day. I've been a bit slow to respond.