Wednesday, June 23, 2010

The summer I lived in a frat house

In the summer of 2006, before I moved to the Wild West, I was going to actually move to Anchorage, Alaska with Alaska Sam, which fell through. But while I was waiting for that move, I was commuting 190 miles per day round trip to work.

Rather than stay with my parents and make the hellacious commute, my office assistant of the time made me a proposition. She and 5 other college students rented a huge 5 bedroom, 3 bath house. Three of those kids (okay they are going to be seniors in college and are all 21 years old, but I still think Kids...) were not going to be there in the summer. She knew I was driving and wanted to know if I wanted to crash there, in one of the empty rooms, for the summer to help them offset the rent. So I said: "Sure, why not?" So, I sublet a room. From 6 college students. (I have no idea why no one made the accommodations for rent and such to cover this problem, but they didn't so there I was.)

I was a resident on the third floor. With Matt. Matt was..oh, I don't know how to describe him...let's just use the word...BEAUTIFUL, shall we? He had longish dark curly hair, surfer style, a goatee, and a totally buff body with a six pack and guns. He was just a stud. Now, you may be asking yourself why does she know he had such a hot body? Well, because he didn't own any shirts. To the best of my abilities, that is all I could discern. He must not have owned any shirts because I never observed him wearing one. In the whole summer I was there, no shirt. Ever. He was a poor college student so maybe he couldn't afford shirts. I was not offended by the shirtless wonder. (at the time when I lived there and blogged, I so dubbed him "He who is without a shirt" and occasionally posted pictures of his fine specimen of manly boy body)

I had the weirdest experience with Matt one night. I was watching Sex and the City DVD's (season 4 if anyone cares) and he was hanging out, not wearing a shirt, and playing Everquest, some computer game on the Internet, I guess. Anyway, he started watching SATC with me and telling me which episodes were is favorite. Matt the buff, hot looking 21 year old college student has favorite episodes of Sex and the City. I thought that was ...Unusual. Matt and I had our own bedrooms, of course, but we shared a bathroom. It was odd to share a bathroom with a guy who is just...A roommate, not a husband or lover or relative. I put up a pink shower curtain- he said cool. He left the seat up- am I allowed to ask him to put it down? He kept the bath mat dry- thank goddess for that. I did hang up his towel every day. We also shared a window unit air conditioner which meant we had to keep our bedroom doors open to we could both get the air. Also odd.

The night I moved out, at the end of the summer, my helper didn't show up. So Matt helped me pack all my stuff and carry it down to my car and load it up for me. He didn't even flinch when I cried because I had no help and he just pitched right in!

I never, ever slept with Matt. I had the chance a few times, but never did. Never even kissed him, though he always claimed he had three addictions: women, work and food. Ah regrets...

None of the kids made jokes that I was like the house mom- they thought I was pretty cool, especially since I didn't ask them to turn down the stereo or bitch about beer cans on the floor. Actually, none of them could believe I was 34. One roomie said I was "cool and laid back," and looked "really young, like 27, dude." Matt said I am hot, "a total MILF." (See American Pie for an explanation!)

Seriously though, those were some pretty cool kids. It was nice to know those young people had goals and aspirations. They were funny, caring and smart. They had great senses of humors- obviously since they let a 34 year old woman crash there for the summer.

I learned lots while living there. I discovered the joys of Easy Mac. I never knew such a thing existed. One of my housemates- Tammy (the only other woman living in this asylum with me!) shared this with me. I was stunned. And it is pretty good, if memory serves. Just add water. I mean, mac and cheese out of a box made even easier. Who cannot just love this?

There was stuff that happened that would just crack me up! The girl I lived with was the aforementioned Tammy and other than Matt, there was Tony- who had a Girlfriend we all called Screamer. Here are some fun memories and things I learned in the frat house summer:
  • Tammy's BF had planters warts and they spent one evening freezing them. In the living room. While the rest of us were eating dinner- in the living room. Oh and a few days later, the planters warts didn't go away after the freezing in the living room. So he had wrapped his feet in duct tap and that allegedly draws them out. I suggested seeing a doctor and they thought I was nuts.
  • I was sitting in the living room and I heard across the house, the Screamer yelled, and I quote: "I thought you couldn't pee with an erection!"
  • We had about 11 pizza boxes and several cardboard containers that formerly held beer- when I say several I mean 47. Per week. But hey, at least they recycled!
  • Rice-a-roni comes in Taco flavor and the odor stayed in the house, oh say, 17 hours or forever, whichever comes first.
  • Boys clean bathrooms.
  • Tony, Screamer, Tammy and her BF were cooking in the kitchen one night and I heard the following comments: "so, you want a smack on the bottom?", "You gonna eat all that?", "are you a slut or a baby girl?" and "Why did they name it chicken?" (I CANNOT make this shit up)
  • Matt thought it was perfectly acceptable to put Tabasco on everything: eggs, cereal (yes you read right), spaghetti, watermelon, and cheesy chicken rice a roni.
  • Eggs don't bounce.
  • One house can have 3 dozen eggs and 12 boxes of cereal with individuals' names written on them and that isn't considered odd.
  • Overnight guests are not a problem even if you run into them naked in hallways.
  • Even really horny guys won't have sex with a girl who is on her period- don't ask please just don't ask.
That was my summer in the frat house. I never had a dorm life so this was an extra special summer for me. I loved it. I was glad when it was over, but it was a great experience.

Reveling in the glory days,


Bragger said...

That certainly tops my story about spending the night in the guys' dorm. That needs to be in a book! :)

Jimmie Earl said...

T M I !!!!!!!!!

Anonymous said...

hi maggie!
i have never been away like was home life...then marriage for me...and pretty much a whole lotta' nothing in between!

but after reading your (well written, i just adore your style of story talk), after reading you..and smiling all the way through...i can see that maybe, just maybe I missed out on a little of the delicious insanity that is wrapped up in youth! lol

thanks for least I can live through your memories....!!

and 34's not old...that's my age...give or take a year or two! lol

ciao bella
thanks for stopping in to see me!

creative carmlina

sam said...


Good God, Even tho I read Matt, I "heard" Mac and was thinking WHAAT!!

Glad I never had the over spray problem with my ex. I guess he had good aim!


Maggie said...

Bragger- I still want to hear about you in the guy's dorm! (and thanks for the compliments!)

JE- I said I DIDN'T sleep with him! What's TMI about this?

Carmelina- I have no idea how I would've been had I don't this at 21 but since I had the experience at 34, it wasn't so bad. And while I didn't think 34 was old, it felt old when all my "roomies" were 21!

Sam- MATT MATT MATT! It was MATT! I should've changed his name for this post- yikes!!!

Wiley said...

There is absolutely NOTHING wrong with putting Tabasco on everything. It is the nectar of the gods. You know the most frightening thing about the BP oil spill to me? That it might affect the quality of Tabasco peppers. Seriously, I just don't think I could take such a hit.