Pity Party for One, please

The plan was to move back here to Civilization in December 2008 and have a full time job with benefits in or very near my hometown in about three months. I would then rent an apartment or a house and stay here until Mac graduated from high school. Then I would either continue, or I would see where my wanderlust took me next.

Well, as the title implies, things didn't go according to plan.

I have applied for at least 200 plus jobs in the last 18 months and none have come to full time fruition. I receive lash praise from colleagues and students each time I enter the teaching arena but I have no teaching license in my home state and need money to afford school to do this, which is a Catch 22= I can't afford school since I don't have a full time job and I can't get a full time job in teaching without a license. And, apparently, I can't seem to get a full time job OUT of education because everyone and their brother is still unemployed. Fuck that the experts say about employment being back on the rise; anyone unemployed in the Midwest will tell you otherwise.

And of that over 200 jobs I've applied for, about 90% are outside of education, so yes, I'm apply all over the place, trying just about anything as one might be known to do when one is desperate.

This summer I'm teaching at Alcatraz and I've applied for a job at a local mental health center, still having not heard anything. I was given a sterling recommendation so I hope that will at least merit an interview, IF they decide to look at people externally. But when the summer ends, it seems I'm back on the substitute teaching list if nothing else comes along.

This summer I had high hopes of living and working in Ireland, but that fell through; I was having help on that end to find a job and a place to live but to no avail. I would've been happy as a live in au pair or a house sitter and a bartender, but the person who was helping didn't seemed to inclined to really "help" so it just became another dream, another disappointment.

I hate it when nothing goes according to plan.

I'm trying to find work and it's not working. I'm stressed to the point of breaking. I'm on the verge of tears all the time. I get home from school and want nothing more than to sleep from 3pm until I have to get up the next day. My uncle (and aunt) where here a short time ago and my uncle adds to my stress... because I don't have a job. Well, duh. If I could get one, at this point, don't ya think I would? It's always on my mind and having it in my face doesn't help.

I worry about EVERYTHING. ALL the time. Sometimes I think it would be easier to crawl into the deep dark recesses of my mind and think about what it would be like to not have to worry about it all, and what I could do to make life easier for everyone, self included, eventually. Those thoughts aren't usually good. I feel like an inmate who's been left in charge of the asylum.

This isn't where I wanted to be or who I want to be. Sometimes, though, a person just doesn't have any means to control... anything.

Mags