Tuesday, July 31, 2012

I feel a-change comin'

I don't want to go back to work tomorrow. I still like my library job. I still like my boss and I still like a couple of my colleagues. My problem is several fold. I do not like my "corporation" anymore, as you might all remember. I have no respect for it, obviously.

I also just don't feel like I belong there any more. I don't know if that makes sense or not. I really want something else. I know it's only been 3 weeks since I was there. It's not the big of a deal. Can I have such a huge personal change in the last 3 weeks? I feel like I have.

First I spent all that time at the conference with "regular" and honors kids and it was a pure joy. I just had such a great time working with them. I do know that I have take steps to make it happen for me to work with regular kids by signing up for the three classes so I can get my teacher license in this state. I know that must happen and I'm working on it. Also, I do know that will take a little time to acquire; by Christmas classes will be finished and I'll have a license and if all else would actually go well, I might have a teaching position for January 2013.

I spent all that time in a very cool college town at a huge university. I loved it. Every single minute of it. I love to shop and walk all over and all the cool food and the history and culture. I can't experience that where I live here in civilization.

I'm tired of working in a place with no windows. I'm tired of the adults making the same complaints all the time. That adage of "if you do the same thing every day you'll get the same results" (it goes something like that) applies to most of the people I work with. I just don't like all their negativity. I want something where I can work with people who are happy. I'm tired of working with the population I work with, and there's so little joy or hope. I just want to work with regular kids and a larger group of teachers so there might be some who are happy. Or some I share common ground with. Or a same political ideology at least.

I'm tired of having my life on hold. I love living with my father, I really do, and I appreciate it but I just want to move to the capital city and live with my guy and just see what happens. I love they guy and I love the city. I just want to BE. I want to DO. I want to LIVE.

I feel like I've gone through this huge metamorphosis and I just want to stop doing the motions of life and actually live it. I want to stop being afraid and I want to just take a chance on love and life and perceptions and work. I... I.. I.. dunno. I just don't feel like being in this rut. Maybe my life will be a new rut. I don't know.

I feel so different. And a huge part of that different is the fact that I really, REALLY, really do not want to do this job and live here and just survive.

I want to work with people who think and talk and like each other. I want to see kids use their brains. I want to eat Greek food from a food truck for lunch. I want to hang out with my man at night and go for a walk, have sex when we want, cook a meal together and just.... I don't know.

I want something else.

This post started out much bigger, with a more grandiose idea. I wanted to convey that I'm the one who's changed and I just can't seem to articulate it. I feel like such a different person than I did three weeks ago. I know that seems weird but I just feel like I want and need to much more in my life.

My daddy-o keeps telling me I deserve a life and should start living it. Maybe all this freedom for great thoughts and for great books and to have visions and dreams has been like a drug to me... I just don't know.

The winds of change are blowing,

1 comment:

Jimmie Earl said...

Well said! At my ripe old age, I can certainly attest to the adage of "follow your heart." I didn't, and I have regretted it many times. If I had, I would still have had your mom and you kids, but I would not have spent years in a factory doing the same thing day after day. I would have spent the time teaching young minds to "follow their heart."