Undercover as an English Teacher

Did I ever tell ya'll that people in the Wild West, in the town where I lived, thought I worked for the FBI? Go ahead and laugh. It's too hilarious. Yup, me- an overweight, pink wearing, friend to Lady Clairol, shoe loving me working for the Feds. You people read my blog- ME and FBI agent???!? (And if you are new to my blog and reading this post as your very first one- welcome and it's about time you got here...Read some of the past stuff and you will totally see what I mean when I say I'm NOT an Federal agent!) I was flattered. Or impressed. Or scared. Or ready to use it to my advantage and have some laughs, as long as I don't get killed in the process since these folks do believe in the old adage of the "3 S's": shoot, shovel and shut up.

Some years ago near where I lived in the Wild West there was a dust up between some local extremists and the Feds. It ended peacefully after an 81 day standoff with the FBI, but people around there were wary of outsiders. This was also a ranching/ farming town and people there are really of the old Wild West mentality (I am dead damn serious here folks!) and they hated the government to begin with. Add their little encounter with Feds/ CIA/ ATF and other government employees a few years ago, and their trust of strangers was limited to none. And I was about as an outsider as could be.

Now think about it: I moved there with the only reason being I wanted to teach high school English and had always wanted to see the Wild West. That school, in that community, offered me a job so there I was. I had no family there. I was single (still am) and went there alone. I'm college educated and from what they considered a big city and for no good reason I came to smalltownsville, Wild West? Add this to the fact that I kept pretty much to myself and got lots of packages in the mail. (This has been observed as being unusual by the locals). I had no 'visitors' from home. At that time, I had no formal education in teaching, just 5 years in the college arena. And no one had any proof of any of this. They had my word on where I came from and my background. Anyone can put anything on a resume. Did I mention I was pretty closed mouthed about personal stuff when I visited the bars, almost amounting to being cryptic? I was also pretty politically aware and not afraid to voice that opinion. Oh yeah- and I'd been to big cities like DC, NYC and Boston and can talk with more knowledge of one who just went on a holiday but like someone who might have *audible gasp* lived there! These people decided I worked for the Feds. Most people still even thought it when I left, because when I left, I LEFT. No looking back.

It didn't help much that when I went to shoot a gun I had dead on aim. I mean I hit 11 out of 12 beer cans at 200 yards and 6 out of 6 Gatorade bottles at 350 yards. And it was the first time I ever shot a gun in my life. These folks didn't believe it after watching that display of marksmanship and the word got out. So, they all decided I committed some big 'wrong' while working in DC or at the NYC field office and was banished here. I swear to Goddess I couldn't make this stuff up if I tried.

It doesn't matter that I didn't look like a Fed- I'm not built like a Fed. I had great aim, I'm from a big city and I knew stuff. It was too funny. And because strangers came to town every so often and then leave suddenly without an explanation or a trace... Well, they thought I was a Fed, like these others were. (I have no idea if these others were Feds or not, but hey, who knows?) And see, I didn't circulate much with the locals- or get close to them. I had some teacher friends but that is to be expected- right? But when it comes to town folks, I had very few friends. And the people outside of school I kept company with (ie: read "men" here) was a guy who worked for the environmental branch of the government (what the hell is the ENVIRONMENTAL branch???) and a local law enforcement officer; they thought the only reasons I dated him was professional because I might need some help from the local cop shop- also according to the local rumor mill. The other guy I was associated with came from out of town and was supposedly working on a construction crew building a government owned building...You see the connection here? This is the stuff people talked about in the bars, at the grocery store and at the post office. I was become part of the local lore around there.

Why the FBI? That's simple: Since the skirmish that involved the Feds happened ended peacefully, some of those towns people involved were still around so therefore the FBI had agents in town undercover to keep an eye on these people so it didn't happen again. The FBI had the disaster in Waco, the Unabomber, and then Ruby Ridge so they wanted to make sure to never have an incident like that again so the Feds lived among the natives in order to prevent another siege. That is the thinking and the mind set. True or BS, who knows, but it's what the people there believed!

So there I was ready to protect and serve the country by keeping peace and teaching poetry to the masses in the Wild West. When I was home for Christmas that first year, I remember sharing this story with a friend, who, after his hysterical laughter ceased, decided I should screw with these folks. He said he was going to start sending me mail with simply Washington, DC and a long number typed as the return address. He swore he was going to give me a navy jacket with the bright yellow FBI. He said I should walk around and wear mirrored sunglasses and talk into my wrist. I thought I should have lots of handsome, sexy men visit me because then they could gossip that I was getting laid WITH a fellow agent! (I didn't know any men that fit the description but it would've be hysterical if I had).

I always wondered if there was a real agent around town. I would've loved to meet this person for giggles and grins. I certainly took a lot of heat off of him or her. I should've gotten metal or a check from the government for doing my civic duty!

And that what people in the Wild West talked about in the bars for a long time: their high school English teacher was really an FBI agent.

Maggie

Can I have a crush at my age?

So........... now I haven't gone online to match.com yet. Because there's someone I have a crush on. I've sort of had a crush on him for awhile but I kept it to myself... I kept it to myself because I was really mean to him once upon a time. He's a nice man- a real doll and such a sexy cutie-patootie.

He's an old friend of mine. We met three years ago under circumstances that have gone to become infamous in 3 states (I am soooooo NOT kidding), and we managed to live it down- so far. Then we sort of kicked around maybe kinda seeing what would happen if we maybe sort of dated, even though we lived about a zillion states (or 2) apart. Then I was idiot because I was suffering from AlaskaSam issues (we had only been split for 3 weeks then I met this guy- which he never knew, I don't think) so I found every single excuse under the sun and listed my issues with him, some of which were extremely stupid, which made me sound like a stuck-up, persnickety, uppity bitch, and told him to jump in a lake- so to speak.

But you know what? He and I stayed friends. All this time- three years later! Because he is such a forgiving person. We've texted, called and emailed all this time. And I've been thinking of him lots over the last several months and I learned he was going to have surgery so I used it as an excuse to call him. I felt like I need one, after the royal bitch I was. And though I knew he forgave me that long ago, I still felt... guilty. So I called him. And... we had a lovely conversation Thursday night. For three hours. More than lovely, really. It was serious, fun, flirty, silly, sexy, and NICE! I made him laugh and smile, which made me feel good. And he made me feel happy- and damn it, there are so very, very few people who can do that for me these days. (Okay, and he called me "darlin' " in that sweet, sexy voice that makes me tingle- all over. He has one of the sexiest voices in history. And "darlin" is one dang sexy word out of his mouth...) And then we sent fun text messages all day yesterday, where the laughing continued.

Now, I wonder what he'll think with my big decision? Probably'll scare the shit right outta him... But who could blame him? Maybe he'll crush back... Girl can hope, right?

He's a nice guy... and I think it's high time that nice guys don't finish last.

I'm just sayin',
Maggie

OH- and I know some of you are dying to know who this is... since I didn't just stick a "SAM" on him... well, he has a real name I've used here before...! *wink*

Stop! In the name of....

So... I got a ticket the other day. I got a ticket for a seat belt violation. I was wearing my seat belt but I didn't make sure my passengers were. And the state was working the 'click it or ticket' campaign that day.

And I am the worst mother in the world because I didn't make sure Mac was properly wearing his seat belt! OMG- I suck. And the deputy who pulled me over actually wrote on the ticket: "Her son was not wearing belt." OH. My. Goddess. I suck as a human being.

We had just left Burger King and Mac, who is big enough to beat a bear with a switch, was riding shot gun. We passed a sheriff car and he popped a u-turn behind me and the lights came on and over we went. I was running through my mind what I could've done. I had just left from a stop light so I knew I didn't even have a chance to speed. I ran through all the other violations in my head that it could be.

Officer is at the window, which I have rolled down. He leans in and introduces himself and asks Mac: "Now tell me the truth young man, honestly, were you wearing your seat belt at that light?" I look at Mac who was wearing his seat belt at that moment and Mac says:
No sir, I had the lap bet on the the shoulder strap behind me so I could eat."

I about died. I had no idea. And I know that makes me a rotten parent and a bad driver and I know I should've noticed it! I felt like I was willing to let my son be splattered across the highway but that wasn't it. We were talking and he was eating and I was watching traffic and driving and the radio was on and I just. plain. didn't. notice.

The Officer was very,very nice and he didn't make me feel like I should be hauled off for potential child abuse or anything. He explained to me that since Mac didn't have a driver's license (yet!) it would go on my record, but it was not a "points" offense so it wouldn't affect my driving record or my insurance (thank the goddess I didn't have to go to work and explain to my boss that my insurance would be going up and why! Sheesh!). Even though Mac was the passenger in the front seat, if he had been a licensed driver, and if if I had been driving, the ticket would've been in his name.

So the Officer takes all my information and goes back to his car and I turn to foist the hairy eyeball on Mac and open my mouth when he said in a one breath rush: "Oh gawd, mom I'm so sorry and my next $25 in lawn mowing goes to you and I'm really sorry I'll pay so please please please don't be mad at me I'm sorry!"

Since he was apologetic and he volunteered to pay the ticket before I could say anything, I didn't yell or lose my cool. I mean, really, at that point, what purpose would it serve? And when Officer Nice Guy returned, Mac told him he was sorry and he would pay it since it wasn't his mom's fault. The guy told Mac he was proud of him and it was good that he was taking responsibility.

I have to say this is the nicest traffic stop I've experienced. This Officer was super nice and very friendly. He was kind and informative. He wasn't a bully and didn't seem to act like he had to throw his power around. He was just a guy doing his job who was also human. He seemed like he felt sorry for me.

But I still got a ticket. Drat! Mac is mowing the lawn on Tuesday and the ticket will be $5 closer to being paid!

I fought the law, and the law won,
Mags