What's cookin'?

I love to cook. It has always been my big dark secret because if people knew I loved to cook then they would expect me to do it all the time. But I haven't always loved to cook... And to be honest- shhhhhhhhhh, it's a secret- I haven't always been very good at it either.

One time, several years ago, I decided to invite a few friends over and I was going to grill out- you know, have a backyard BBQ/ cook out type of thing. Everyone arrives, we mix some drinks and I decide to light the grill.

Have I mentioned I'd never USED a grill before? In my life, men had always grilled but I thought it didn't look that hard and that I could do it... Ummmmmm, well....

It was a charcoal grill and I didn't know about the easy light kind of charcoal so I got the cheap kind and doused it in lighter fluid. And then threw a match on it and closed the lid. That was the first among a long list of mistakes. Another error was grill placement- it was in the driveway, but sort of near the actual garage, sitting under the garage overhang, sort of close.

When I flipped the lid up about 15 minutes later a ball of flame shot straight up and POOF- the garage over hang was... well, it was on fire- a small fire with more smoke than flame, but nonetheless on fire. Party guests were standing open mouthed, someone party fouled by spilling beer in shock while another friend grabbed the hose and doused the grill, the garage and me. I wasn't on fire- other than my face being red with embarrassment- and I sort of had a POOF of soot on me- I think she just wanted a chance to hit me with the hose.

This was not what you would call my best moment so the men of the party took over the grill. I picked up the platter of meat, took it in the house, rinsed it off and the guys threw it on the grill. I also changed clothes since I was dripping wet. The rest of the night went off without a hitch.

And I will now publicly admit that I never told my landlord what happened; I just cleaned off the soot, nailed some boards up and then painted the hell out of the "charred" area

But I have decided I want to learn to grill. I have done without grilled food during the major parts of my life when I am sans a man and that's stupid because I LOVE steaks and chicken on a grill. Why am I missing something I love just because there is no testosterone operating the meat over flames? I've learned to kill spiders and take out the trash, so I've decided I MUST learn to grill.

Over the years as I've had one cooking disaster after another as I learn the craft, I'm usually making a cooking fool of myself in front of others. And since I'm still living in Daddy-O's attic I haven't wanted to learn to grill and ruin food that he bought or make him feel like he should take over and grill FOR me.

So Daddy-O is leaving on vacation tomorrow and while he's gone, I decided I'm going to learn to grill. Daddy-O has a charcoal one and I can just mess with it until I get it right or until I give up, or until I burn the garage down- Oh just kidding, that won't happen! (But I do notice that Daddy-O made sure his insurance was paid current before he left...hmmmmmmmmmmm)

While I was visiting Farrago a few weeks ago, I teased him a little bit because he was timing to the second our steaks, but I guffawed too soon and I'm glad he didn't make me eat my words but instead he made me eat a great steak and his perfect timing was worth it. He shared his secret AND he also told me his secret to grilling an entire chicken on a grill without needing a rotisserie. Daddy-O also told me a secret to charcoal lighting. I've read some cookbooks for grilling and some online articles. I am ready!

I plan on trying some steaks and making chicken and adding my homemade BBQ sauce. I'm armed with knowledge, meat, the grill, and charcoal. And the fire extinguisher.

Daddy-O doesn't have a thing to worry while he's gone! I know where the garden hose is located and I know how to dial 911!

Soon to be a Grilling Queen,
Maggie

I pity the FOOL who doesn't read this novel!

Out of the 49 books I've read this year, Fool by Christopher Moore is by far the best piece of fiction I've laid my hands on. As a matter of fact, it might be the best book I've read in a few years.

As you know, I have a book blog, Turn the Page, where I sort of review every book I read. And I loved Fool so very much that I've going to post my review here as well.

I. AM. NOT.KIDDING. If you only read one book this year, read this. If you are a person who only reads when held a gun point, under duress, or when riding on a plane, read this ONE!

Without further ado, here's my review of Fool, by Christopher Moore:
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Oh. My. Goddess. Christopher Moore has done it again. This is probably the best Moore book ever- Fool. the man riffs Shakespeare's King Lear. I mean it- he wrote King Lear as a comedy, as an atrocity, as a sexed up tale. Not kidding- the best book I've read this year. Moore is a god with words- he REWROTE Shakespeare- he's got balls for sure.

The first page reads as follows:

"This is a bawdy tale. Herein you will find gratuitous shagging, murder, spanking, maiming, treason, and heretofore unexplored heights of vulgarity and profanity, as well as non-traditional grammar, spit infinitives, and the odd wank. If that sort of thing bothers you, then gentle reader pass by, for we only endeavor to entertain, not to offend. That said, if that’s the sort of thing you think you might enjoy, then you have happened onto the perfect story!"

And he's not lying- all of those things are there. As he's fond of saying- total and utter heinous fuckery most foul.

For those of you not in the know of the story of King Lear, it goes Lear killed his brother and father so he could be King. Then he kills his wives. His daughters become treacherous, he mistakenly divides his land and gives up his throne thinking his off spring will take care of him. He's wrong and they get all pissey with each other. There's eye gouging and poison and screwing of relatives. This all happens in Moore's version as well as Shakespeare's!

But I have to say a huge kudos to Moore. If it weren't so bawdy and raunchy it would be the perfect text to teach Shakespeare to people, especially high school students. But I think all the snogging and fucking, and cum jokes, making fun of gays, monkeys, twats, talk of boobs and codpieces, and wenches... well all that might make is banned from school reading lists. Moore's tawdry tale is told from the perspective of King Lear's Fool, the jester of the Court.

I love his language and his imagery, and just his entire story telling style. Damn that the time line is befuddled, the modern language and the skewered iambic pentameter and the cockney accent and the "fucking French" plus the British jargon are all hurdled together into one huge mish-mash. This is a great read, it's hysterical. It's smart and witty and certainly most heinous and foul.

This will get a second reading out of me at some point this summer, because I know there are more grand jokes that I just missed on my first read.

LOVE LOVE LOVE it!!!!! I want more Moore! If you read absolutely NOTHING else this year at all- read this one!!!!!!!!!!

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Other books by Christopher Moore that I've read this year, which are worth the read since Moore is one of the greatest author's to ever scribe:
The Stupidest Angel
The Island of the Sequined Love Nun
Bloodsucking Fiends

Always and forever a Bibliophile,
Mags