Think Kit Day 26: I used a life line: food

Today's Think Kit topic is:  Draw a self portrait. Get as abstract or as real as you like!

Uhhh, no. I have NO art ability at all so I went to the lifelines and the topic is:  Did you eat an amazing meal this year? What did you eat? Who was with you?

Well, this year I did have a few amazing meals! I was able to go to Florida so I was in seafood heaven and I also had an amazing meal at a Brazilian Steak House in Indianapolis, downtown. It was so yummy!

Brazilian Steak House: There's a large salad bar with more than just salad: all sorts of seafood and veggies. All so yummy. I loved the variety of cheese and breads/ crackers.  Everything was also presented beautifully.

I'd never been to one before so I was tickled at the fact it was all the meat I wanted to have. Delicious. While I think I could go through life as a vegetarian this place is what makes me still be a carnivore. Lamb, all sorts of steaks, chops.... oh so yummy! The side dishes weren't the best but between the all I could eat meat options and the stunning salad bar, I was so food happy. It was so nice to have my boyfriends take me here!

My BFF Photographer and I spent a week in Florida and all food was amazing. Fresh seafood every day. Need I say more?!? I could eat my weight in shrimp and crab and I really tried! There isn't one place we went that stands out as the best but it was all good!

Yay FOOD!
Maggie

Single again

Single again is something I never, ever thought I'd be at age 41, staring at age 42. It sucks and I really, really hate it.

I do not want to date again. I don't Before the last Sam I went 471 days without dating. I was fine. Or I at least got myself to a place where I was tolerating my life. Then I met and and for the last 3 years it wasn't easy but I actually thought we had made progress and did well and I honestly thought we could get married. Buy a house. Take trips. Do married stuff. I didn't figure I'd been single again unless he dies first and I was a widow which is an entirely different sort of single.

The single I am now is yet another long-term monogamous relationship that failed.

I hate the idea of having to put myself out there and frankly I don't plan on it.

I said this before and everyone said the typical cliches about fish in the sea, someone for everyone, the right guy will come along, blah fricking blah. And the guy came along, he wasn't right and here I am three years later more hurt, broken, and cynical about love/ romance than I ever was before in my life.

Reality says I have bigger issues than being single but all those big things I was dealing with in a relationship seem worse because now I'm dealing alone. Damn it.

Why did he had to be an douche bag and just fuck it all up? (pardon my French but as Daddy-O says sometimes the f-word is the only one that will do). WHY????

Pissed, sad, angry, depressed, lonely, hurt, frustrated, scared, bitter-- all my emotions.

Several things suck other than what I've listed so far:
1- to date means I now have to worry about my appearance at all times. I look about how I did a few years ago but now I have to make sure to dress "right" and be funny, scintillating and all the crap that goes with dating. When I dated in my 20s and 30s, I made sure I was dressed in all the right clothes and even "dressed up" to go to the grocery. I can no longer wear yoga pants and a ball cap to the mall, if I want to be on the hunt for a guy.

2- when did wanting to be married become a bad thing? It's bad I know but who made it bad? Are we still blaming women's lib for this? I thought women's lib meant we could have it all- marriage, family and career. I know in the 90s being married was bad because it was all about the career. Is it still bad to want to be married? Great.

3- He's probably dating as I type this post here on Friday night at 11pm. One thing I "admire" about this Sam is that he believes in love. He does. He might be a prick but he's will to keep dating and dating until he finds the right one. He believes there are more fish in the sea and he'll keep looking for the big kahuna. I think it's brave of him to keep trying. I don't want to try. (It's obviously waaaaaaaaaaaaaaay to soon for either of us to date but I bet he is. I don't know it for a fact or anything but he's the get back on the horse/ bike/ woman sorta guy). I don't WANT to date because I think true love and all that nonsense is just that: nonsense. I'm also slightly jealous he CAN just decide to start dating again. (And super hurt. Trust me on this, I KNOW he's trying to start dating. I was with him for 3 yrs. I do know something things.)

All in all, this sucks.
Mags

And the reason for being mean is???????

I'm still yammering about the relationship shit. That officially what I'm calling it.

What I don't understand is why are people mean to each other to an extreme in a fight? Or when a relationship is ending?  Say there's no one having an affair, and no one is physically/ mentally/ emotionally/ verbally abusing each other. No one is committing crimes.

Say, in the relationship someone is hurt, or one person just doesn't to be in the relationship any more. Maybe they grew apart or fallen out of love or don't share the same goals and dreams. Maybe it just ISN'T WORKING. There are no kids involved, no property to divide, or assets to split, no living together, no joint purchases.

These are 2 people who love(d) each other so why are people so mean. Why is there yelling or name calling? Why is there a fight?

Seriously, if these 2 people loved each other once. If you love them and want to best for them then why hurt each other? And though one person may not WANT it to be over, if you love the other then wouldn't you want them to be happy? And if being out of the relationship makes them happy, then let them go without an ugly scene.

Maybe everyone can't be friends later. Who cares? There's no reason for mean and ugliness. Just let it be over. Move on. My guess both parties are hurting. My guess ending it isn't easy for anyone. Make it easy. If people love each other why hurt each other? Why make each other miserable? Why not have some mutual respect for decisions that are being made even if they're not what everyone wants?!?

And this is why I'm dreading this whole relationship ending debacle.

Maggie

I hate unhappy endings

Relationship shit thoughts continued from yesterday's post:

As of the writing of this post, still no contact. Again, feels like I'm tempting fate even saying that.

Anyway, I'm thinking if I'm still mad 8 days later, that's not a good sign.

I'm thinking if after three years of this fighting bullshit, non-sense we still can't get it right, then we really have no business being together.

I'm thinking if I'm thinking the above 2 thoughts, then we probably REALLY shouldn't be together.

Do I love him? Yes. Can I keep doing this? No.

When we're good, we're amazing. But otherwise, it just sucks. Sucks big time. Mad sucks, hurt sucks. I know long-distance relationships are not easy, even though we have it easier than most since we see each other Thursdays- Sundays every week, and all school holidays and vacations. I know it hasn't been easy because I can't find a full time job that is either a good fit for me or that has health benefits in the capital city where he lives; neither of us dreamed a year later I'd still be commuting. But we are. He thinks it's old and tedious. While I'm not thrilled with the arrangement, it is what it is and I'm trying to change it to the best of my ability, yet to no avail.

Now is decision time. Officially break up? Stay? See if it's fixable one more time?

It's probably at an end. And I hate the end part because it's usually so ugly. I have stuff at his place that I want, and I know ending a three year relationship will involve a conversation or 2, I'm sure. those are never fun.

I hate all that comes with that shit. The eventual fight, the getting of the stuff. Worrying if he's going to be nasty about it or do something revengeful. Then there's the whole being alone again at age 41 years. That's an interesting psychological game in my own head- is staying with the devil you know better than either the devil I don't or being alone, never meeting anyone. the whole "he's not that bad overall" and "when things are good, it's great and we don't fight that much." Those sorts of thoughts. *bangs head on keyboard*

I know I need to make the final decision. And do that needs to happen. I hate that part.

UGH!
Maggie

First rule of fight club is "don't talk about fight club"; I'm a rule breaker

I've dated a guy on and off for the last three years. Actually it will be off and on for 3 years at the end of this month. When it's been "off" it's usually very off and when on, it's like the adult equivalent to "candy-land" or like Disney Land or something.

Then last Sunday this Sam got all pissed off over something stupid. It really was something stupid. I said I'd call at a specific time and didn't. I was busy and I forgot. I know that's terrible but I did. I didn't forget HIM, I just forgot to call at an agreed upon time. Then he called me an hour later, and without thinking I said I had forgotten and explained what distracted me. He "seemed" slightly irritated and maybe a tiny bit hurt but we talked like normal and all seemed well.

Until 3 hours later when he called and unloaded everything single thing on his mind that he felt was wrong with our relationship and with me.

I was pissed. Usually, I'm sad or hurt and apologetic (I don't know why... we can analyze that later) and those feelings get in the way but this time I was pissed.  I'll spare you all the gory details, mainly because it's stupid and a long drawn out "he said then I said" non-sense. Bottom line,t his time I was pissed as Hell and I let him know it. And I let him have it.

I do not understand why, if someone is in a romantic, serious relationship and have an argument they have to do the following:

• bring up shit that had nothing to do with the issue at hand
• lie (or say one thing a month ago but come to find out you never felt that way and are telling me now)
• bring up things that you resent and that have nothing to do with the issue at hand
• answer a question with a question
• pick the fight and then try to blame the other person for it
• talk in circles to avoid speaking of your own feelings
• character assassination

All relationships are not perfect. People are not perfect. People in romantic relationships will argue and perhaps even fight but I don't get this whole "throw in everything under the sun" mindset of fighting.

So, I was mad and just spewed. I didn't try to be the compromise-r or the peacemaker or the great communicator. I didn't try to mediate. (You may wonder how I  can mediate a disagreement I'm in. Example: in a past fight with him I've actually said things like "Remember, we've agreed to not call names", "Use 'I' statements instead of 'you'" or "Be constructive and not purposely hurtful". Oh yeah, I said that shit.) I just sank to his level and said what was on my mind. It ended with him hanging up on me. I went to bed.

Monday night he called to try and talk and I was still pissed. And let him know it in no uncertain terms. I have no idea if he wanted to see if I settled into my normal routine so he could be pissy or if he wanted to apologize but I was still mad. I was pissed over the stupidness of the fight in the first place, over what he said, over the CONTENT of the fight, and pissed at him & myself over at how I've behaved in the past. He sort of apologized which I didn't feel was good enough.

Tuesday we sent pissy emails back and forth during the day. He said the fight of was his fault and I let him know it was and continued to pummel him with my same message of the last 2 nights- of WHY I was pissed. I used lots of capital letters. I half expected another long drawn out phone call that night and was exhausted at the mere thought. (I wanted to make sure I didn't acquiesce just because I was exhausted over it all.) WELL!! Not to worry!

Since those nasty emails we exchanged on Tuesday, I've not heard from him. (I'm almost afraid to type that here because it's like tempting fate or poking the bear with a stick.) At all. 5.5 days. And I'm okay with that.

No this silence can't last, I'm sure. The thing is, I don't want to talk. I'm still PISSED. I mean, really REALLY still pissed. I'm shocked. I'm not someone who usually is mad for a long time. Really. If I lose my temper at all, it's usually a quick flare, then I feel terrible about being mad and then have to fix it.I don't hold grudges. But still one week post fight, heading into day 8, I am mad still. Fed up. Angry.

That is not a good sign.

My Photographer friend says when he and I are good, we are excellent and when we're in a bad place, it's usually pretty  bad, and it's usually his fault.

I don't know. That's it for now. I'll keep everyone posted.

GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Maggie the Mad

Sam's apartment

Three weird things in Sam's apartment. And please note that I'm making an observation and not judging.

1. I opened a cupboard that holds towels and other assorted bathroom sundries. It's a very nice, neat and clean, well ordered closet. Except for one weird thing: in a pile in the cupboard was a pile of mismatched socks. Not sure why it strikes me as funny but I usually have my mismatched socks in the bottom of the hamper or in a laundry basket, not stacked neatly on a shelf in a cupboard.

2.Another odd pile: in the living room, on the corner of the floor, was a pile of purses and wallets. And they didn't belong to me. It was a conversation to be had. Nope, he's not a cross dressing (but with my luck with men it wouldn't surprise me and it would figure) and he's not seeing someone else. These are 3 purses that belonged to his ex-wife. His son brought them her to give to a grandmother but he forgot. So the purses were left there. And now they belong to me. One is a Vera Bradly with a matching wallet, and the other is creme-sicle orange Liz Claiborne. Pictures will be forthcoming.

3.I have a key to his apartment. He had it made especially for me. It's pink with a crown on it. and pink sparkles. It says "Princess" on it and it's damn cute. Hey he gave me a key. And something pink and shiny. How cool is that?

Just some odd stuff at his place...

Mags

Ended the year with a date, started the year with a date...

Since the 2008, I've averaged 2 dates a year. Some of those dates turned into temporary long term relationships but those started with dates nonetheless and if I go back, I seriously average 2 dates a year.

In 2011 I dated ITSam for the first 10 months and then had the okay date on New Year's Eve day so I count that as 2 dates in 2011, even though I had a whole bunch of them with ITSam. Then I had another date on New Years Day, so one of my dates for the year is already over and done with. I have about 11 months and 3 weeks to have another one so I don't break my streak (though this is one streak I could break and live happily.).

I've been thinking about dating and it's weird.

I don't think I'm good at it and I don't like all the "get to know you stuff" over and over again because I just wait for it to fall apart and then when I do get comfortable and let my guard down and have fun, then it falls apart. I hate being judged and that's what dating is- people judging and sizing each other up. I hate that I feel like I can't be myself because I think I'm weird so others will. Someone once told me that if I found a guy who liked the things I did he would only be gay. Gee, there's a promising thought.

I also have no idea where to meet age appropriate men. No do not suggest the Internet. No, do not suggest bars. And we have already established that anyone with half a brain will NOT date at work; ever heard the expression "don't shit where ya eat"? I think it was made up for this instance specifically, no matter how gross of a saying it is. But I don't know where to meet people.

I don't feel like I MUST date but after spending a year with ITSam and I sorta liked having someone to spend time with and hang out with and someone who, for the most part, cared about my comings and goings and wanted to help me and see me and just loved me. So I guess I feel a little lonely, and sometimes out of sorts.

And now I know that sometime in the next 11 months, 3 weeks, and 2 days I'll be stuck having another date, unless I break the streak.

Debating it,
Maggie

My own personal 'meet cute'

This is so weird. It really is. But full of irony.

A few weeks ago, a funny thing happened to me in Meijer (and I want to say I hardly EVER go to Meijer. Ever. I just don't- too expensive) in Southern Civilization. I was walking into the store and a guy in the parking lot walked into me. He stepped out from between 2 pick up trucks and bumped into me. He apologized all over the place and his buddy admonished him and we all laughed and walked inside together.

And we all headed in the same direction. And down the same aisle. You know that weird thing when you keep seeing the same person/ people in the store and you keep nodding or something? Well, finally these guys and I just kept laughing so hard and we all introduced ourselves, shaking hands. We finally parted ways BUT we all ended up in the check out together and in the same line. So we started making stalked jokes with each other, and we all walked back out together.

One of the Sam's was cute and nice and he flirted with me the most and he wasn't wearing a ring. It was just weird and funny.

I got in the car and told Daddy-O and he and I laughed about it.

The next day XRay Girl and I were chatting and I told her about it an she gave me hell for not getting this guy's number. She said most people just don't have the chance to meet a cute guy and hit it off and then leave. She said if it's meant to be then he and I would run into each other again. I have to admit that while I wasn't in cruising the Meijer story rows looking for him, I would just check out my surroundings when I was in Southern Civilization, at the mall or Starbucks, or at Applebees. I never saw him.

So last night, Photographer and I were in that same Meijer- she was doing her weekly shopping and as we pulled in the parking lot, I told her about those guys. When she and I were going through the check out, there he was. He looked at me and smiled in recognition and waved me over to where he stood. Photographer went to the car and I walked over to him and he said, "[Maggie!!!] You're here! Finally!" He remembered my name...! (Okay I remembered his as well.)

Then he introduced me to... his 3 year old daughter. Yup. In the short span of conversation, he said he wasn't married, his ex worked at the Meijer and on his custody weekend, they would go in so she could see her mom, he'd thought about me often and asked for my number.

And I gave it to him.

Yeah, I gave a man in Meijer, a total stranger, my cell number. Good idea or bad? Dunno.

I did, however, call XRayGirl as soon as I got home and told her about it and she said if I hadn't given him my number she would kick my ass. She also said she would go along and act like a stranger to keep an eye on me, just in case he did call and ask me out. She said it was a total "Maggie" thing because shit like that doesn't happen to real people, only in the movies.

And then later last night, oh around 9pm, he sent me a text and we texted back and forth for a bit and he asked if I wanted to meet him at Starbucks for coffee.

He said he didn't believe in the 3 day rule.

Is meeting for coffee, in the middle of the afternoon, when we have both established we had other plans for later, a date?

Do I want a date?

Am I over ITSam?

Is it too soon?

Am I crazy??? (Okay, this one I can answer: yes!)

This sort of stuff doesn't usually happen to me so I guess I'm going... Updates will be forthcoming.

She who is a girl with a... coffee thing,
Mags

Holy Cow- it's cold! Finally! And other news...

It didn't get above 61 degrees here today, and that was in the sun. There's a terrific breeze (maybe we can call it a wind?) blowing and it's just beautiful after all the we must be in hell HOT HEAT ICK we've had here in the Midwest. It's so cold that Daddy-O's hung around the house in long pants, socks, long sleeves and a hat on his bald head. ITSam wore jeans and a long sleeved t-shirt. I told them they were wusses and there would be 10 feet of snow outside and I was still wearing flip-flops, short sleeves and my capris. Man, I hate it when I shoot my mouth off. Once I finally lit in one spot long enough, and right in front of a window with the wind blowing on me, I was sort of wishing for socks and long sleeves. However, I am sticking to my resolve to wear flip-flops only...

Yes, those are flip-flop socks. Think mittens for your toes with the big toe playing the role of thumb.

In other news...

I heard from Mac today and the phone is officially stolen. No one has seen it, heard it, turned it in for lost, etc. It's gone, gone, gone. And all that stuff we hear about on tv about not being able to trace the "throw away" phones? Well, that's true, so if you want to commit a crime and need a phone, get a throw away! I wanted to see if there was any activity on the phone between when it was lost until now, but AT&T can't do it since it's the "disposable" go-phone. The other thing that sucks is that I can't get a replacement because of that so I have to buy him a whole new phone. And of course the college wouldn't do anything to help with this either. That just ticks me off. Mac, while a butthead in other ways sometimes, isn't at fault for the phone being stolen. I bought it on-line as a refurb, and might order him another the same way. I'm sitting here with a $50 re-fill card for it so I might as well. I hate crap like this. The good news is that whomever got the phone can't use Mac's number and minutes because the phone company killed the SIM card in it; however, the perpetrator could go to an AT&T store and just buy another SIM card and still use the phone. That so sucks.

This weekend Archiver's hosted ANOTHER free craft weekend- they SO rock! This time is was making 3-D flowers. Here are our efforts:


I went to Wally World to grocery shop and the shelves, and as Mother Hubbard would say, are bare. Since it's a holiday weekend so many vendors haven't been in to re-stock ,and pickins were slim on lots of things. It's a good thing that Daddy-O hates the Slimmwich bread rounds with all the grains, nuts, twigs, and oat flakes on top because I couldn't buy any of those; all they had were PLAIN- much to father's liking but too bad for anyone else- and one package of Plain, which I snagged! I also looked for either Club or Townhouse crackers, the original flavor. Not garlic, not low sodium, not light butter, not wheat, not pretzel, not Flipz, not herb, but PLAIN BUTTER ORIGINALS. None. I even broke my cardinal rule and asked an associate (Oh Lord help us, but I didn't kill anyone!) but to no avail. The associate who helped me said she thought there were some on a display somewhere and she looked and called someone else to help her look but couldn't find any. None. But near the door, I found the display, AND the last box of crackers!!!!!!! (I have to giggle that they "lost" a whole display... guess that's the way the cracker crumbles! *I can hear you all groan, you know!*)

And in the category of "I'm an idiot"... I put on a gray shirt this morning but didn't like how it fit so I grabbed one of Mac's old t-shirts, that's bright BRIGHT green! Then I went grocery shopping and when I came out and caught sight of a bright green shirt reflection on the car window, I literally turned around and looked behind me for Mac. Then I looked down and saw the green was me... I was really surprised and went "hey, I'm wearing a green shirt!" Oh. my. goodness! No, I am not blond.

I get a phone call from ITSam that goes something like this:
him: "Hypothetically speaking, how do you clean up hand-cream that was in a tube that might have been on the floor and then might have been stepped on and say, hypothetically, shot out all over the carpet in a big oozing puddle glob?"

me: "Oh gross. Did you step in it too, hypothetically speaking?"

him: "nope, but the hypothetical carpet smells good. I scooped it up with cardboard. Do you want me to put it in a jar or baggie or something to keep it?"

So, a tube of my Bath and Body Hand Cream- gardenia scent- was on his bedroom floor and is now ON THE FLOOR and he wants to know if he should keep it for me? Ummm, I think not. I also want to say he took a picture of the mess and I was going to post it here but this blog is rated PG-13 (an occasional R thrown in)- not X! Ick! You really don't want to see that...

Finally, I know it was a 4 day weekend for me but I am so not ready to go back to school tomorrow. And I know that means I only have a 3 day school week but I still don't wanna go. I am SO lazy!

And that's it from here.
TMI?
Maggie

Weird random thoughts for a Tuesday

In the movie Pretty Woman, most of the clothes that Julia Robert's character tries or or buys is back in style now. Is that good or bad? And I also noted how young Robert's voice is in that movie. A young sounding voice is an odd thing to say, but still, she sounds young.

The heat here is terrible. I live in the wrong place. I should live where it never, ever gets this hot. I was told I should live in Ireland. Well, I think I knew that! Someone from there pointed out that they don't have central air because it never gets this hot, that the sort of heat we have here would make it too hot to do anything, including sex. I think central air makes it possible to have sex in this sort of heat...

Many years ago I had a collection of Disney villain statues. A Sam I was living with many, many years ago bought them for me. They were breakable but I don't remember if they were porcelain or some resin or something. Anyway, when he and I broke up he took them back- the ass. I've always wanted another set. I had Captain Hook, Malificent, Cruella, Ursula, Cinderella's Evil Step-Mother, and The Evil Queen (in Snow White). I had these on a shelf in my office, when I was in social work. What was funny is that the kids I worked with always laughed because they said I was the furthest thing from a villain. The thing is, I can identify with the villains better than I can the Princesses. I'm weird.

Should I send meds to college with Mac? I got him Tylenol, hydrogen- peroxide, band aids, cotton balls... but should I give him some Day-Quil and Night-Quil in his stash so if he needs it if he gets sick?

I want to smack Mac most of the time. I love him and I'm a pacifist but I really feel like smacking him, most of the time. A friend of my father's said that the reason our kids are jerks before they go to college is because it's God's way of us letting them leave the nest without losing our minds. I really think she's right. And I really hope she knows what she's talking about! I'd take him to school today if I could.

Mags

Not going makes me happy

In my old age I'm becoming more discriminating in what I read and in what I watch. I don't want to waste my time doing either if it's not something I'm not going to enjoy. I don't mean my books and movies all have to be "real" or full of happy endings but I need to enjoy the process.

So that being said I'm going to admit that I'm not going to see Captain America, and I'm glad about that. While ITSam and I haven't officially gotten back together, we have been hanging out and talking and stuff. He invited me to go see this movie with him. I hemmed and hawed around and finally said okay. We were supposed to go tomorrow.

I really had no desire to see it; I'm not a huge fan of comic books becomes a movie movies (yes, there are exceptions to this rule, such as The Dark Knight) so I wasn't excited about Captain America. Also, I like to go see movies where I know someone in the cast, especially a main character, and I had no idea who was playing the title role. I know that's lame, but it's true (there are exceptions to this rule; I do see movies with a no name cast, like the first Harry Potter movie...).

Maybe what it comes down to is that it held NO appeal for me. I mean, who IS Captain America? Why is he even a hero? Does he have some cool special power? How awesome can be be, really? I don't even remember him being a part of Super Friends!

So today Sam called and dropped a few million hints that his super geeky buddy was practically begging him to go see it. He called to see if I cared if Geeky buddy came along tomorrow. I saw my out and I went for it. I suggested a "guy's night" and said he and his bud should go without me. He said he felt bad that he asked me and didn't feel right about not keeping his word.

I finally came clean and said he should go because I just didn't want to see it. He was thrilled and jumped up and down and whooped and hollered. Glad it was so easy to make him so happy!

And I did my own little happy dance that I don't have to go suffer through it myself!

I'm not sure that honesty is always the best policy but it sure came in handy here! And now I have my entire Sunday free to do whatever I want... like laundry.

Mags

Gone country

There are so many parts to this story... I feel like I have to explain myself before I can explain myself.... clear as mud, eh?

In May I bought 2 tickets to see Gary Allan, a country music singer, who is ITSam's very favorite singer. I wanted to surprise him and was so excited to score these tickets. I kept my mouth shut and told no one about the tickets because one I told the secret I would tell him.

Then and I had a huge fight at the beginning of June, and I figured I'd offer to sell him the tickets. Then we slowly made up so it was a non-issue.

Then he broke up with me in July, about 2 weeks before the concert.

I'm not a fan of country music, over all. A very little of it goes a long way, in my opinion, so I wouldn't have just gone alone or with friends. And at the time of the break up, it wasn't really near the forefront of my mind.

A week after the break up I remembered the tickets. The same day I remembered the tickets, I had to have a serious conversation with ITSam about furniture and phones.

One conversation led to another, then to another, then to another. We certainly were NOT back together but lots of apologies were issued from him. That didn't fix it at all, but it was a start. We talked lots and I finally decided I would just take him to the concert.

I didn't know what to do and we were talking and I didn't want to lose the $80 bucks. I figured, if nothing else, that he would feel really guilty over everything, the way he treated me, etc., if I took him to a concert. It was a weird choice, I know, and it was spur of the moment, but I decided it. So be it.

Anyway, all that being said, I saw Gary Allan in concert a few weeks ago. (I also surprised Sam with the tickets and made him ride in the car 90 minutes, wearing a pink sleep mask the entire time, so he wouldn't see where we were going. People looked at us strangely as we were hauling down the highway at this strange bald guy wearing a pink sleep mask... some, tiny revenges are awesome!)

It was a great concert!!! He gives a good show. I was pretty impressed because he seems to be just a regular guy with a guitar, just singing his heart out. I really liked his show- no frills, no pyrotechnics, etc. Just a guy, singing. It was great.

And even though he's really country (and twangy) and he looks hot in his jeans, and doesn't wear a cowboy hat but would be sexy if he did, I still really liked the concert. (And it was a great chance for me to wear my pink cowboy boots here in the Midwest!)

Since then, I've been listening to his music quite a bit. This is really, REALLY out of the norm for me since I haven't listened to country music since I got back here from the Wild West. None of my car radio stations are pre-set to country and I think I might have about 50 country songs on my personal iTunes account--- that would be 50 out of the 1672 on my account. But I'm really digging Gary Allan!

Great songs by him are "Watchin' Airplanes", "Songs about Rain", "Best I've Ever Had", "No Regrets", "Her Man", "Right Where I need to Be", "We Fly By Night ", and Bourbon Borderline." "We Fly By Night" is my favorite of them all!

I strongly urge you to check out his music, his sound.

And it did make ITSam feel pretty crappy about how he treated me, that I had planned all this for him...

And it made me miss country music just a little bit.

Back in her boots,
Mags

Not an exciting day

I know it's late on Saturday and I don't have much to say but I don't want to NOT blog because I don't want to be depressed.

So, I worked all day as a weekend receptionist. Now I'm home and Mac and his friends are playing PS3 games. Ohhhhh, so exciting.

Because of the break up I can't surf at work because he can see all the places I go and report me, if he wants. Or at least me nosy in my business. The other thing that irritates me is that when I was his girlfriend he let me have on-line privileges and as soon as he dumped me, he made my privileges like everyone else so my surfing is really limited! The asshole.

He came in to see me. He stopped to say "hi" and told me he went to Best Buy with a friend. Whoopee. I said I was busy and he left. That was that. Weird. Glad it wasn't a big deal, but it was still weird.

It was really hot here today, around 100 degrees.

So, that's my Saturday in a nutshell.

I'm lame.

Maggie

A little lonely

This might sound dumb because of how horrible ITSam was/ is, but I sort of "miss" him.

It's odd to try to get out of a routine with a person. I saw him every day, talked to him on the phone, or text him and now nothing. It's odd. I do have good memories with him and had good times. And now I'm just cut off completely. (and rightly so, of course). It's hard to adjust to. I have things that happen during the day and want to shoot him an email or pick up the phone and say something funny. I miss that.

I know it's only been three (and a half) days and I won't do anything stupid but I can still miss him. He hasn't contacted me, which is a good thing, I know, so I guess he's not missing me, which is fine.

When things were really good, they were really good. I did have fun with him, when he was being nice. He was kind to me, most of the time, and it's the good parts that I miss.

I do feel lonely. I wish it was different. I wish he understood I love my friends but I could love him too. I wish he wasn't a controlling freak. I wish he went back on his medicine and saw his therapist. I wish he knew that I could have it all and he and I could've been amazing. I wish he knew that he had the makings to be a great guy and a wonderful husband.

But.... alas, no.

I still miss the good parts.

Maggie

Scraping the final poop off my shoe, so to speak

• I need to arrange to get my furniture out of ITSam's house. Now. I have to see if I can find a truck and two guys to go with me. And find a place to store it again- Booknut, any space in your garage again or in your storage building, by chance? Please?
  
• I'm stuck in a phone contract with him until January 2012. I have to pay my share of the bill until then or he's going to sue me, apparently. I will pay him on the 15 of each month. I will send him a money order.
  
• I need a new job because I don't want to see him every single damn day at work (and I really want a job with more money and health insurance). He didn't even come in my building yesterday- thankfully. He did, however, change my Internet access status at work. When I was his girlfriend, he gave me unlimited usage and he changed it to like all the other teachers; guess I'm not so special anymore.
• He provided my father with a loaner laptop and I'm waiting to see if he asks for it back; the same with the laptop cord he loaned Mac.
  
• He took my car to get some work done in the winter time and he still hasn't paid that bill. It's not in my name and he hasn't asked for the money. Yet.
• I need to go to the jewelry store and get the deposit back on my engagement ring since I sold my grandmother's diamond toward.
• He recently bought me something from Tiffany's which I returned to him in the intra-mail: box, bag, ribbon and all. Maybe he can get his money back. Or give it to his next girlfriend. He should receive it tomorrow.
  
• He donated some yarn to the Art Club of which I'm a sponsor. I also put it all in a box and mailed it back to him via intra-office email. He should receive it tomorrow.
• He loaned me a computer at work and I have to figure out how to get it to him; I don't want to take it to his office lest he think I'm looking for excuses to see him, which I'm obviously not. Wonder if I could send it via intra-office mail, too?

It's all madness,
Maggie

Well, this certainly sounds like it's over, don't you agree?

The last few weeks, after the huge blow up with ITSam I've been trying to work things out with him. We've been going on dates and just talking. It's like we were starting over again, the best two people can who've dated for almost a year.

I thought it had been going along well. I thought we were having fun. I thought it was going okay. We talked some serious talks but not lots, but just enough to try and sort some things out, to see if things were savable.

Well, apparently things were not going along well for him. He finally, officially, broke up with me tonight. And it was out of the clear blue.

He said he didn't think my heart was in this. He didn't think I was ever going to forgive him. He said he was emotionally invested but didn't feel I was, and he said he thought this would never work. He said I didn't treat him like he was special, that I treated him just like I do everyone else. He also said I never "make" plans with him but I make plans with everyone else so apparently, according to him, I just see him when no one else is available.

He said I don't love him anymore because I don't say it.

I guess I got out of the car when he dropped me off after work tonight and I didn't kiss him good-bye; I just got out of the car. It didn't matter that mac was pissed off, the phone was ringing inside and I could hear it but no one was answering, that it seemed like no one was home because cars were gone but the house was standing wide open, he and I had a fight at lunch about Mac so I was still seething over that, the fact I was distracted and didn't kiss him so I don't care about him and am just trying to be friends. Because I don't treat him special.

He buys me stuff to show me that he thinks I'm special and I just never reciprocate. He pointed out how much money he spent on me in the last two weeks- money I didn't ask for, I would like to point out. (I wrote him a fucking check for $100 for some clothes he got me. It was to make a point. Don't tell me I shouldn't have. If you were there, you would've done the same thing, trust me). He claimed I only want people to know he and I are together when in public not in private, and he just went on and on and on. Somewhere in there he told me he loved me more than I love him AND that he wants to spend all his free time with me and he doesn't want to do things without me because he wants me by his side, making his life better and I make things more fun-- he said. He also said I don't need him nor do I make him feel special since I want to hang out with my family and friends as much as I want to see him. He said he would NEVER leave me at home on a Friday night like I did with him (I took Mac to a movie and dinner, just mom and son time last Friday; so that's bad????).

When we had our huge fight a few weeks ago I suggested he get therapy or at least go back on his anti-depressant. He said he would. Tonight he told me the only reason he needed it was because of his ex-wife being crazy and he's fine now so he doesn't need it and he never told me I need an anti-depressant and some how he compared it to my breasts being saggy and not telling me I need plastic surgery. Yeah. Rat bastard.

And then he dumped me. HE dumped ME after all that because he wants someone who isn't so independent and he knows I "can never be a damn wife like any other woman" (<--- that my dear friends, is a direct quote!) and who will love him like he loves her and wants to be by his side and make plans to do things together and not be treated like an afterthought.

What a lovely Monday evening.

Maggie

Computer Down!

My laptop computer at home has 3 Trojan Horses. This, apparently, is bad. I won't be able to blog from home until it's fixed (Hell, I won't be able to do ANYTHING on it until it's fixed!). And, uh, yeah, I, uh, asked ITSam to fix it. Otherwise, it would cost me $30 an hour to hire someone else. He's trying to get back into my good graces so this might help him, and me, at the same time. He's hoping he can just clean it off, whatever that means.

Otherwise, if he can't, the alternative isn't that wonderful. He'll have to dump all my documents, music and pictures onto an external hard drive and then wipe it clean and then reinstall all my stuff. That sounds... bad. He did say it that happens he can put in more memory and RAM and gigs and.... well, I stopped listening so he said if that happens he can update it, which is good. He said if he puts in a new hard-drive it should last me 2-3 more years.

Yes, I realize how that makes me look to have him do all that, but I don't care. All's fair in love and computers.

It's funny because mac's computer went dead over the weekend as well. His power cord stopped working. We decided it was a bad sign when sparks shot out of the tip of the cord.

I hope nothing happens to Daddy-O's computer since Mac and I seem to be doomed.

The lesson here is to back up EVERYTHING and always make sure you have a friend (or a guy who wants to apologize!) in the computer business!

Maggie

One of the rituals of man

Watching men shave is sexxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxy. I love it. It's one of those erotic things that no one thinks of as erotic, at least no one I know. But sometimes it just does it for me. It doesn't matter which guy I watch, I like it.... though I have some good memories of specific men...

I would watch one Sam shave and he always put a touch of shaving cream on the tip of my nose, and when I made faces at him he would laugh and wipe it off and kiss me. Then I always smelled like him all day, a touch of clean and menthol.

But I think I really got turned on to watching a man shave when I would watch a specific Sam, many years ago. His face was all slopes and planes and angles with his high cheek bones, pointed chin and Romanesque nose. His face was an interesting one. And he didn't grow a mustache or a goatee; he was a smoothy face. And with this Sam shaving was... an event, I guess. Or a routine. He always turned on the shower first and let the water run the entire time, filling the room with steam while he shaved. He always stood at the sink wearing nothing but a towel wrapped loosely around his narrow hips. He always filled the sink with warm water.

The bathroom vanity at his house had a long, low counter running next to the sink. It was something out of a movie scene when I would watch him shave there. I would usually have on a long silk burgundy robe and a pair of kitten heeled mules, with little black maribu on the top, with my painted toes peeking out the ends; completely impractical as 'slippers' go but... These items lived in Sam's closet for the duration of our relationship, waiting for my overnight visits. So there I would sort of lounge, on the vanity, next to the sink, with one bare leg drawn up so I could wrap my clasped hands around my bent knee, the other leg swinging back and forth, slipper dangling off my toe, my hair sort of unruly spilling all over my shoulders, tied back with the robe's belt. I usually smoked a cigarette when I sat there watching him. Oh yeah, talk about setting a scene.

Sam shaved the old fashioned way, to a degree. He still used a Bic razor, something with a triple blade, but he loved to use cream shaving foam in a cup and use an old barber's brush to slather it one. I always liked watching him create the foam, like watching meringue appear in his hands, in the cup, like magic. I like the way the brush danced over his face as he covered the lower half in the cream. After coating his face, I like how he always would like the tip of the brush glide up my leg, from my ankle tattoo to below my knee. He wouldn't look at me as he ran that brush over my skin, but would instead check his reflection in mirror, turning his head this way and that, making sure he had it all there before he applied the razor to his face, even though he had a little smile play at the corners of his lips. So there I would sit with a white stripe up my leg, not saying a word, just watching him, waiting, taking slow, long drags on my unfiltered Camel.

Then he would shave, just like any other man. It wasn't even necessarily that Sam was so sexy, but he was, but all men going through this ritual can be sexy. With Sam, it was nothing fancy, really. Not really complicated. He would just let that razor glide over his skin, gently and slowly, deliberately. He kept his eyes on his own face in the mirror, but he knew I was watching. He was careful as he ran the razor over the dimple in his chin, the divot under his nose, over his Adam's apple, over the smooth plains of his face... He would let the razor caress his skin, erase the foam and then he would dip it in the sink and give the razor a bit of a shake and then resume again. The water made a little splash when the razor went in. Something about the repeated motions, slow and deliberate, careful, smooth, easy, gliding, the fluid motion of the routine of the shave is mesmerizing. The vanishing of the foam and the flick of his wrist was like watching the intricate insides of a clock and all the pieces moving together, yet it was simply his hand, wrist, face, water, razor all becoming one. And the water that dripped from the razor would run in rivulets down his bare chest, like rain droplets. When his face was clear, he would again tip his head this way and that, checking to make sure he didn't miss a spot. He would take the towel from his hips and dab his face, toweling off the dots and dabs of left over foam. Then he would turn to me and lean forward and take a long drag from the cigarette I offered, letting me still hold it between my fingers while he inhaled, resting his fingertips on my wrist, at my pulse, to steady my hand, while he took a lung full of smoke.

He wasn't done yet. Sam would then run his fingers in the foam he left on my leg- locking his eyes on mine, not blinking nor wavering, and exhaling the smoke through his nose slowly, and he then would turn back to the mirror. He would run his flat palm over his steamy reflection, clearing a place to complete his finishing touches; he needed to even up his sideburns. He dabbed the cream he took from my leg onto his sideburns and leaned in close to the mirror. He would apply the razor to each side of his face until they were just right, just perfectly even.

The bathroom by now was hot and steamy, like a sauna and he was getting ready to step into the shower. At this point, he would rinse the razor out and let the water drain from the sink. He would rinse the sink and set the cup and brush on the glass shelf next to the razor. He took the stub of my left over ciggybutt and ran it under the water and tossed it in the trash can. Then he took a towel and ran it over my leg, removing the left over foam he put there, usually bending down and letting his smooth cheek follow in the wake of the towel so I could feel just how smooth, just how close, of a shave he managed.

I do declare, I just love watching a man shave in the morning. Simply love it...

Maggie

Random Saturday brain ramblings

I had a great idea to blog about when I was at the grocery store but I didn't write it down and now I can't remember what I want to say. You are now stuck with rambling.

Trying to pick a movie to watch with Mac on Netflix is a pain in the butt. Mostly he wants to watch documentaries, stand up or British television. I just want to watch a movie and laugh. He's such an ass about picking a movie, unless it's in a theater, then he'll see almost anything.

I love melted cheddar cheese on an apple. Bad on weight watchers but yummy on the palette.

I'm so tired I can barely see straight. I'm going to bed shortly, while it's still daylight, which is really lame for a Saturday night.

I have an awesome date story to tell you all.

I miss Curley. I'm just sayin'. She's not mad at me or anything but I haven't seen her in forever. We all know who's still mad at me.

Europe is calling my name. I wish is would also be giving me money at the same time, but she is calling. I want to go. I need to go.

My toes are swollen today. Gee, I love summer and humidity here in the Midwest.

Mags

Tiffany's *

I love Tiffany & Co Jewelry. I do. I just LOVE it!

For last Christmas, the now ex Sam (formerly referred to as ITSam) bought me my very first Tiffany's gift, a heart key and the heart is pink. I love it; and I did NOT give it back at the break up. I can't believe I went 39 years without ever having a piece of Tiffany's jewelry. What in the world was I waiting for? Well, okay I was waiting for Prince Charming- Enough- to- Buy- Me- Tiffany's, and he did. Here's what it looks like:

Now that Prince Charming is not so Charming (nor Prince like), I wondered, can I buy Tiffany's for myself? I browsed the gifts under a $100 and if I can shop there for myself, I'd get this because it's only $30:
I want to point out that it also comes in the infamous Tiffany Blue Bag. *Ahem*

The other thing I like is this:While I don't think it would behoove me to get this for myself, I still think it's beautiful. It would've made a gorgeous wedding ring, or a "just because" piece. I'm not such the narcissist that I'd acquire this on my own. But's certainly stunning.

And soon, I'll be posting about why I'm so Holly Golightly!

Maggie aka Holly

*This post was inspired my recent viewing of Breakfast at Tiffanys!