Single again is something I never, ever thought I'd be at age 41, staring at age 42. It sucks and I really, really hate it.
I do not want to date again. I don't Before the last Sam I went 471 days without dating. I was fine. Or I at least got myself to a place where I was tolerating my life. Then I met and and for the last 3 years it wasn't easy but I actually thought we had made progress and did well and I honestly thought we could get married. Buy a house. Take trips. Do married stuff. I didn't figure I'd been single again unless he dies first and I was a widow which is an entirely different sort of single.
The single I am now is yet another long-term monogamous relationship that failed.
I hate the idea of having to put myself out there and frankly I don't plan on it.
I said this before and everyone said the typical cliches about fish in the sea, someone for everyone, the right guy will come along, blah fricking blah. And the guy came along, he wasn't right and here I am three years later more hurt, broken, and cynical about love/ romance than I ever was before in my life.
Reality says I have bigger issues than being single but all those big things I was dealing with in a relationship seem worse because now I'm dealing alone. Damn it.
Why did he had to be an douche bag and just fuck it all up? (pardon my French but as Daddy-O says sometimes the f-word is the only one that will do). WHY????
Pissed, sad, angry, depressed, lonely, hurt, frustrated, scared, bitter-- all my emotions.
Several things suck other than what I've listed so far:
1- to date means I now have to worry about my appearance at all times. I look about how I did a few years ago but now I have to make sure to dress "right" and be funny, scintillating and all the crap that goes with dating. When I dated in my 20s and 30s, I made sure I was dressed in all the right clothes and even "dressed up" to go to the grocery. I can no longer wear yoga pants and a ball cap to the mall, if I want to be on the hunt for a guy.
2- when did wanting to be married become a bad thing? It's bad I know but who made it bad? Are we still blaming women's lib for this? I thought women's lib meant we could have it all- marriage, family and career. I know in the 90s being married was bad because it was all about the career. Is it still bad to want to be married? Great.
3- He's probably dating as I type this post here on Friday night at 11pm. One thing I "admire" about this Sam is that he believes in love. He does. He might be a prick but he's will to keep dating and dating until he finds the right one. He believes there are more fish in the sea and he'll keep looking for the big kahuna. I think it's brave of him to keep trying. I don't want to try. (It's obviously waaaaaaaaaaaaaaay to soon for either of us to date but I bet he is. I don't know it for a fact or anything but he's the get back on the horse/ bike/ woman sorta guy). I don't WANT to date because I think true love and all that nonsense is just that: nonsense. I'm also slightly jealous he CAN just decide to start dating again. (And super hurt. Trust me on this, I KNOW he's trying to start dating. I was with him for 3 yrs. I do know something things.)
All in all, this sucks.
Mags
Showing posts with label suckage. Show all posts
Showing posts with label suckage. Show all posts
Friday, July 12, 2013
Saturday, May 21, 2011
Disappointed. I'm not ungrateful, just disappointed- Part 1
I want to say up front:
1- I am thankful I have a job
2- I am thankful I have choices
3- I am thankful my job is no hard
4- I am thankful that the outcome really is NOT that bad at all (however, sometimes presentation is everything)
About 3 weeks ago my Principal called me in his office and said due to all the changes with our school system I had 35 paid days off this summer. I wasn't sure I heard him right so I repeated what he said and then also I asked him in about 3 different ways and he confirmed each time out of his mouth to my ears was I had 35 days off this summer.
In the past summers, the school librarian had to be at school and have the library open when Alcatraz had summer school and then she could have the rest of the summer off. Because we are only having 1 month of summer school (June) and then our ENTIRE building is being remodeled in July in preparation to start year around school on August 1, the school building is, for all intrinsic purposes, closed for the month of July. (Internet will often be down, water will often be turned off, power will often be off, air conditioning will not be functioning, etc. No reason to have anyone here). In summers prior the librarian had to work on the summer school days, for the same hours as summer school classes were in session, which was 2 hours in the morning and 2 hours in the early afternoon. For those of you who like math:
35 days x 4 hours per day= 140 hours to work in the summer
Not hard, really no big deal.
Okay. So the Principal told me I got 35 days off so I was rockin' that and yesterday I even posted about all the super fun things I had planned for the summer. All the time I had to do these fun things and even was going to be paid to do them. Albeit meager pay but pay nonetheless.
Then came today. Damn it. I knew it was way too good to be true.
I get called to the office and my Principal figured out his mistake. What he meant to tell me was that I have to WORK 35 days this summer.
Follow me here. It's still a mathematical story problem and a story so work with me.
I was given options.
Maggie
1- I am thankful I have a job
2- I am thankful I have choices
3- I am thankful my job is no hard
4- I am thankful that the outcome really is NOT that bad at all (however, sometimes presentation is everything)
About 3 weeks ago my Principal called me in his office and said due to all the changes with our school system I had 35 paid days off this summer. I wasn't sure I heard him right so I repeated what he said and then also I asked him in about 3 different ways and he confirmed each time out of his mouth to my ears was I had 35 days off this summer.
In the past summers, the school librarian had to be at school and have the library open when Alcatraz had summer school and then she could have the rest of the summer off. Because we are only having 1 month of summer school (June) and then our ENTIRE building is being remodeled in July in preparation to start year around school on August 1, the school building is, for all intrinsic purposes, closed for the month of July. (Internet will often be down, water will often be turned off, power will often be off, air conditioning will not be functioning, etc. No reason to have anyone here). In summers prior the librarian had to work on the summer school days, for the same hours as summer school classes were in session, which was 2 hours in the morning and 2 hours in the early afternoon. For those of you who like math:
35 days x 4 hours per day= 140 hours to work in the summer
Not hard, really no big deal.
Okay. So the Principal told me I got 35 days off so I was rockin' that and yesterday I even posted about all the super fun things I had planned for the summer. All the time I had to do these fun things and even was going to be paid to do them. Albeit meager pay but pay nonetheless.
Then came today. Damn it. I knew it was way too good to be true.
I get called to the office and my Principal figured out his mistake. What he meant to tell me was that I have to WORK 35 days this summer.
Follow me here. It's still a mathematical story problem and a story so work with me.
I was given options.
- I could work 35 days, at 4 hours a day and take my chances on what would happen in July with power/ water/ etc.
- I could work the 20 days in June when we have summer school and then take a pay cut for the rest of the hours
- I could work the 140 hours over the course of 20 days.
Of course I selected option number Three. Principal even told me I could set my own hours.
Now I know this is absolutely nothing to complain about. And I'm not complaining, exactly. I'm just really damn disappointed. Here I was thinking I would work all of June from 9-11am and 12:30-2:30pm daily and then have the whole month of July off, with pay. It just really sucks sucks sucks, that will not be the case.
I'm just bummed.
So my month of June schedule means that I will now work Monday- Friday from 8-11:30am and 12:30-4pm, and then I can have the entire month of July off. Yes, I realize I still get a month off- paid- and most people don't get that.
It's just one of those things. It was my bright spot, actually, with all the stress I've been under and it just felt like a smack.
As I said at the beginning of the post, I am thankful I have a job, a check, choices, and some paid time off. It's just.... the way it was all presented. It sucked.
Maybe this doesn't seem like a big deal to anyone else, but there's a part 2. I'll save that for tomorrow. Maybe it's this information AND the rest of it together that just seams like a big old SUCK-A-ROO...Maggie
Tuesday, January 11, 2011
New car? Yeah right. What was I thinking?
I've needed new tired on my car for a very LONG time. On Saturday mac and I were headed to a movie and on the highway we had a blow out. Mac and ITSam changed the tire and it was determined that I was getting new tires, come hell or high water.
So yesterday I got 4 brand new tires. I can't remember the last time I had new tires. Oh wait... that would be never. The few times I've had tire issues, they're been repaired or I've had a "slightly used" tire put on. After I got the 4 new ones yesterday, I proclaimed driving my car was like "driving a new car! It's such a smooth ride now!" Me and my big damn mouth.
Picture this, if you will. It's snowing. All. Day. Long. Steadily. It's not stopping nor slowing down. There;s about 4 inches on the ground now. The wind is slightly blowing. We have a snow mess out there. And it's about 28 degrees. Mac calls me after school to report that the car will not start. I'm trying to get him to describe the sound the car makes when he turns the key to determine if the battery is D*E*A*D or... something else. As he's telling me the car "almost" starts and then doesn't the principal comes to help Mac. Mac said he would call me back.
I have to sit in the front office of Alcatraz to await his return call because I have no cell service in the library. I wait and wait. Of course everyone wants to know what's happening and I tell them. Twenty minutes go by and I finally try to call mac again and get no answer.
Then the school office phone rings and... it's one of the Alcatraz secretaries. She left (with her husband) to get her girls from school; they go to the same school as Mac. She saw Mac was having car trouble and was told by all the adults who were helping him (2 teachers and the principal) that the car wouldn't start so she was bringing Mac to me at school. Then she and her husband offered to take us home- into town about 10 miles one way out of their way because they LIVE on the Alcatraz campus.
I was so thankful to them both. And to the folks who stood in the blizzard at mac's school. I was going to call our public transit system for rides but they insisted. MY principal and guidance counselor both offered to run us home, both gentlemen live 2 miles from Alcatraz so they would be going out of their ways as well. I'm thankful for wonderful people who helped us & who offered aid. I also had a fellow teacher friend say she would come get us in the morning if we have school, too.
The guys who were helping Mac said it could be anything from a frozn fule line, fuel filter, corroded battery wires, fuel injection issues to a problem with the starter or a combination. Sheesh. Great. None of that sounds very promising.
BUT what torques me off is that yesterday I blabbered my big, stupid mouth about my "new" wonderful car feeling and here I am, now, stranded. If it's not one thing, it's another.
Cars suck.
Maggie
So yesterday I got 4 brand new tires. I can't remember the last time I had new tires. Oh wait... that would be never. The few times I've had tire issues, they're been repaired or I've had a "slightly used" tire put on. After I got the 4 new ones yesterday, I proclaimed driving my car was like "driving a new car! It's such a smooth ride now!" Me and my big damn mouth.
Picture this, if you will. It's snowing. All. Day. Long. Steadily. It's not stopping nor slowing down. There;s about 4 inches on the ground now. The wind is slightly blowing. We have a snow mess out there. And it's about 28 degrees. Mac calls me after school to report that the car will not start. I'm trying to get him to describe the sound the car makes when he turns the key to determine if the battery is D*E*A*D or... something else. As he's telling me the car "almost" starts and then doesn't the principal comes to help Mac. Mac said he would call me back.
I have to sit in the front office of Alcatraz to await his return call because I have no cell service in the library. I wait and wait. Of course everyone wants to know what's happening and I tell them. Twenty minutes go by and I finally try to call mac again and get no answer.
Then the school office phone rings and... it's one of the Alcatraz secretaries. She left (with her husband) to get her girls from school; they go to the same school as Mac. She saw Mac was having car trouble and was told by all the adults who were helping him (2 teachers and the principal) that the car wouldn't start so she was bringing Mac to me at school. Then she and her husband offered to take us home- into town about 10 miles one way out of their way because they LIVE on the Alcatraz campus.
I was so thankful to them both. And to the folks who stood in the blizzard at mac's school. I was going to call our public transit system for rides but they insisted. MY principal and guidance counselor both offered to run us home, both gentlemen live 2 miles from Alcatraz so they would be going out of their ways as well. I'm thankful for wonderful people who helped us & who offered aid. I also had a fellow teacher friend say she would come get us in the morning if we have school, too.
The guys who were helping Mac said it could be anything from a frozn fule line, fuel filter, corroded battery wires, fuel injection issues to a problem with the starter or a combination. Sheesh. Great. None of that sounds very promising.
BUT what torques me off is that yesterday I blabbered my big, stupid mouth about my "new" wonderful car feeling and here I am, now, stranded. If it's not one thing, it's another.
Cars suck.
Maggie
Wednesday, November 10, 2010
Still stressed, still whining
I hate those days when nothing really goes according to plan. Yesterday was one of those days. I had great expectations for my Tuesday but it all went to hell in hand basket.
I originally took yesterday off from work because I was supposed to have a doctor appointment and I was supposed to take a scrapbook class. The scrapbook class was actually after work but the doctor appoint was in Northern Civilization and during the work day. So last week I took the day off and scheduled a substitute.
On Friday of last week, the Planned Parenthood I go to for my physical called and said that from now on they don't do annual physical appointments on Mondays and Tuesdays. Due to budget cuts they need to re-schedule me on a Wednesday, Thursday or Friday.
I figured I would go ahead and take the day off anyway, maybe go to Northern Civilization earlier in the day and hang out at the book stores or in my favorite park with a Starbucks if the weather was nice. Daddy-O talked about going with me as well.
Well, last night Daddy-O decided to not go with me, due to finances. Then the scrapbook store called and canceled my class because not enough people signed up! Well, damn! I gave some serious thought to calling my sub and canceling, just going to work but I couldn't find her number anywhere. I consoled myself with the fact that I could use a mental health day and would stay home with my laptop, in my jammies, drinking coffee and doing a mass resume mailing in an effort to get a new job.
Well, that didn't work. Partially it was my fault, I realize.
Mac woke up with a HUGE headache, sinus pressure, clogged nose, ear ache and sore throat. I told him he could stay home and sleep but he had to go to school because he has play practice this week. The show is Thursday night and this is dress rehearsal week. I know he's been so busy and tired, burning the candle at both ends with school until 315, cheer leading 330-6pm and then play practice 6-9pm Then homework after that. So, I figures he was very run down. I also know that right now the sinus issues for folks are off the charts bad right now with our freaky weather. The Weather Channel TV station was even talking about the sinus/ weather problems here in the Midwest right now. So, I told him he could stay home and sleep half a day.
Around 11:30am he announces that he doesn't "have" to go to school because the rule of "no school= no activities" is only for sports. So he ended up staying home all day. That totally messed with my mental health time because he started filling out college applications which meant he hit me with twenty questions. Then he wanted to know if he could re-take the SAT and when and it costs $50. Then College 2's application cost $50. It was all about money. I finally told him to shut up, go away and leave me alone.
I also had a huge conversation with Mac's cheer leading coach about tomorrow. There's an athletic awards dinner. He has to be there, dressed up. Also, he has lifting and it's a dress rehearsal for the play (the play is tomorrow night), and he has to bring a covered dish. Damn it, I can't catch a break. I did pack his gym bag, making sure he had everything he needed so we don't have to run back and forth, making extra trips. And I got a brownie mix for his contribution to the meal.
Then last night I decided to watch a movie called The Ultimate Heist and nowhere on the box did it way it was a French film that had been dubbed over. Badly dubbed over and very boring. By the way, it sucked. What pisses me off, is that a few of the French actors speak English and they didn't even do their parts in the voice over. It's pretty terrible. Jean Reno is in it and he didn't do his English either. Suckage.
I did get some job applications done; that's the good part. Not as many as I wanted but at least I got some done. So much for a relaxing, mental health day.
Feh.
Maggie
I originally took yesterday off from work because I was supposed to have a doctor appointment and I was supposed to take a scrapbook class. The scrapbook class was actually after work but the doctor appoint was in Northern Civilization and during the work day. So last week I took the day off and scheduled a substitute.
On Friday of last week, the Planned Parenthood I go to for my physical called and said that from now on they don't do annual physical appointments on Mondays and Tuesdays. Due to budget cuts they need to re-schedule me on a Wednesday, Thursday or Friday.
I figured I would go ahead and take the day off anyway, maybe go to Northern Civilization earlier in the day and hang out at the book stores or in my favorite park with a Starbucks if the weather was nice. Daddy-O talked about going with me as well.
Well, last night Daddy-O decided to not go with me, due to finances. Then the scrapbook store called and canceled my class because not enough people signed up! Well, damn! I gave some serious thought to calling my sub and canceling, just going to work but I couldn't find her number anywhere. I consoled myself with the fact that I could use a mental health day and would stay home with my laptop, in my jammies, drinking coffee and doing a mass resume mailing in an effort to get a new job.
Well, that didn't work. Partially it was my fault, I realize.
Mac woke up with a HUGE headache, sinus pressure, clogged nose, ear ache and sore throat. I told him he could stay home and sleep but he had to go to school because he has play practice this week. The show is Thursday night and this is dress rehearsal week. I know he's been so busy and tired, burning the candle at both ends with school until 315, cheer leading 330-6pm and then play practice 6-9pm Then homework after that. So, I figures he was very run down. I also know that right now the sinus issues for folks are off the charts bad right now with our freaky weather. The Weather Channel TV station was even talking about the sinus/ weather problems here in the Midwest right now. So, I told him he could stay home and sleep half a day.
Around 11:30am he announces that he doesn't "have" to go to school because the rule of "no school= no activities" is only for sports. So he ended up staying home all day. That totally messed with my mental health time because he started filling out college applications which meant he hit me with twenty questions. Then he wanted to know if he could re-take the SAT and when and it costs $50. Then College 2's application cost $50. It was all about money. I finally told him to shut up, go away and leave me alone.
I also had a huge conversation with Mac's cheer leading coach about tomorrow. There's an athletic awards dinner. He has to be there, dressed up. Also, he has lifting and it's a dress rehearsal for the play (the play is tomorrow night), and he has to bring a covered dish. Damn it, I can't catch a break. I did pack his gym bag, making sure he had everything he needed so we don't have to run back and forth, making extra trips. And I got a brownie mix for his contribution to the meal.
Then last night I decided to watch a movie called The Ultimate Heist and nowhere on the box did it way it was a French film that had been dubbed over. Badly dubbed over and very boring. By the way, it sucked. What pisses me off, is that a few of the French actors speak English and they didn't even do their parts in the voice over. It's pretty terrible. Jean Reno is in it and he didn't do his English either. Suckage.
I did get some job applications done; that's the good part. Not as many as I wanted but at least I got some done. So much for a relaxing, mental health day.
Feh.
Maggie
Friday, October 22, 2010
Confession time
Okay, so I hate to admit it but I'm going to... I'm a bit messed about over this whole "break up with ITSam" thing.
It's not that I want him back and it's not "if I can't have him no one can" thing either- certainly not that. And I know I was going to probably break it off myself, before he beat me to the punch.
I think it's a few things. One, I went from seeing him every single day to nothing. That's weird. It would be a bit normal to feel a little lonely after all that togetherness, right? Even though at the time I felt a bit smothered it's been almost two week and I still think if we had slowed down I would've been okay. So I think I just miss him because he was a habit, I think. And most of the time I did like spending time with him and having someone to go out with of the opposite sex, to be treated nicely. That was good.
The other thing that has me bummed is that since he's on a dating site and I would assume he's communicating/ dating/ hell, he's probably married to someone by now. What that means is that I wasn't anything special to him at all. I was just a person who gave him attention, that he could tolerate, that filled a void. As Mac said, in summary, was that Sam's drug of choice was not being alone so he would desperately try and hook up with someone. He said, in essence, Sam's addiction was women, but not for sex, but to save him from himself, from being alone. Damn, I have a smart kid. So all that talk of marriage and love and being his one and only was really just that... talk. I wasn't special or the love of his life.
It's just that... it was nice to "feel" that way or to think I was like that.
Everyone kept telling me he was "nice". That was the word used over and over again. And he is nice, but messed up, too. It still doesn't make me feel any better. This proves that nice guys still suck and that I'm just... not worth it. I don't know what I'm trying to say.
I just feel bad about it all.
Maybe it's messing with me that I will probably see him at work tomorrow. I figure he'll try to talk to me, and I'm going to flat out call him on the dating site thing, or he'll ignore me, or worse... he have his new "girlfriend/ date/ fiancee/ wife/whatever she is" pick him up and I'll get to see that, which would suck. Maybe I should warn her. Maybe he'll be mature and just ignore me and not even come that direction. Could I get that lucky?
Maybe it's because the jeweler called and left a voice mail for me (on Thursday afternoon) that my engagement ring was ready to be picked up.
I know that when it comes right down to it, it doesn't matter, he won't change, I'm probably lucky this ended, and I'll be fine going back to being alone again. But right now it doesn't feel fine.
Maggie
It's not that I want him back and it's not "if I can't have him no one can" thing either- certainly not that. And I know I was going to probably break it off myself, before he beat me to the punch.
I think it's a few things. One, I went from seeing him every single day to nothing. That's weird. It would be a bit normal to feel a little lonely after all that togetherness, right? Even though at the time I felt a bit smothered it's been almost two week and I still think if we had slowed down I would've been okay. So I think I just miss him because he was a habit, I think. And most of the time I did like spending time with him and having someone to go out with of the opposite sex, to be treated nicely. That was good.
The other thing that has me bummed is that since he's on a dating site and I would assume he's communicating/ dating/ hell, he's probably married to someone by now. What that means is that I wasn't anything special to him at all. I was just a person who gave him attention, that he could tolerate, that filled a void. As Mac said, in summary, was that Sam's drug of choice was not being alone so he would desperately try and hook up with someone. He said, in essence, Sam's addiction was women, but not for sex, but to save him from himself, from being alone. Damn, I have a smart kid. So all that talk of marriage and love and being his one and only was really just that... talk. I wasn't special or the love of his life.
It's just that... it was nice to "feel" that way or to think I was like that.
Everyone kept telling me he was "nice". That was the word used over and over again. And he is nice, but messed up, too. It still doesn't make me feel any better. This proves that nice guys still suck and that I'm just... not worth it. I don't know what I'm trying to say.
I just feel bad about it all.
Maybe it's messing with me that I will probably see him at work tomorrow. I figure he'll try to talk to me, and I'm going to flat out call him on the dating site thing, or he'll ignore me, or worse... he have his new "girlfriend/ date/ fiancee/ wife/whatever she is" pick him up and I'll get to see that, which would suck. Maybe I should warn her. Maybe he'll be mature and just ignore me and not even come that direction. Could I get that lucky?
Maybe it's because the jeweler called and left a voice mail for me (on Thursday afternoon) that my engagement ring was ready to be picked up.
I know that when it comes right down to it, it doesn't matter, he won't change, I'm probably lucky this ended, and I'll be fine going back to being alone again. But right now it doesn't feel fine.
Maggie
Thursday, October 7, 2010
Why I don't say the Pledge of Allegiance
I am not un-American nor. I am patriotic. I'm just not one who says the pledge aloud. It also doesn't mean I don't respect service men. I do respect them and I do think we need them for our survival and protection, and I am thankful there are men and women who lay doe their lives for my freedoms.
When the pledge is said I do stand, I do face the flag, and I do take my hat off if I'm wearing one. I'm quiet and respectful. I stand at "parade rest" while it's being recited. I just don't say it.
I don't like being told to be patriotic on command (and it has nothing to do with the line "One nation under God..." either!). I'm not sure if I can make this make sense. Every single day, before the announcements, we make the kids stand, face the flag, place their hands on their hearts, and say it. It becomes so mote, such a habit that it seems to lose its significance and importance. The kids look bored, roll their eyes, just stand and you can see that they are about a million miles away, and not thinking of the importance of their country.
Now, on Patriot Day, Sept. 11, when the announcements came on and we were asked to stand for the pledge, we also were told what Patriot Day was and he read a story from 9-11 over the PA. By the time he was done, tears were rolling down my face and I said the Pledge. It did mean something to me that day.
I know it should mean something to me every single day. I do know. I really do.
Maybe it's because I'm in a school setting and the Pledge is squeezed between the daily silent reading and the sports announcements. And I'm charged with MAKING kids be quiet, to stand, to not talk, to not mess around, to not pick their noses... you get my drift. No other work place, other than maybe military or government related places and I'm guessing here, makes you stand and say the Pledge.
I also don't like being told to pray, for example. I don't like ritualistic recitation at public events.
I guess this was on my mind today because it just seems like saying the Pledge in a public high school is forced on the kids, like so many other things. And today as I watched the kids during "pledge" time I was disappointed that they didn't care. It was meaningless to them.
I do not want to participate in a public ritualistic recitation when it means nothing to me, only because I'm told it's 9:50am and time to day it. I want to say it because it means something to me. While I understand it SHOULD mean something to me each day, and in my heart of hearts, I don't feel the need to say it unless I want to do so.
And it should mean something.
Maggie
When the pledge is said I do stand, I do face the flag, and I do take my hat off if I'm wearing one. I'm quiet and respectful. I stand at "parade rest" while it's being recited. I just don't say it.
I don't like being told to be patriotic on command (and it has nothing to do with the line "One nation under God..." either!). I'm not sure if I can make this make sense. Every single day, before the announcements, we make the kids stand, face the flag, place their hands on their hearts, and say it. It becomes so mote, such a habit that it seems to lose its significance and importance. The kids look bored, roll their eyes, just stand and you can see that they are about a million miles away, and not thinking of the importance of their country.
Now, on Patriot Day, Sept. 11, when the announcements came on and we were asked to stand for the pledge, we also were told what Patriot Day was and he read a story from 9-11 over the PA. By the time he was done, tears were rolling down my face and I said the Pledge. It did mean something to me that day.
I know it should mean something to me every single day. I do know. I really do.
Maybe it's because I'm in a school setting and the Pledge is squeezed between the daily silent reading and the sports announcements. And I'm charged with MAKING kids be quiet, to stand, to not talk, to not mess around, to not pick their noses... you get my drift. No other work place, other than maybe military or government related places and I'm guessing here, makes you stand and say the Pledge.
I also don't like being told to pray, for example. I don't like ritualistic recitation at public events.
I guess this was on my mind today because it just seems like saying the Pledge in a public high school is forced on the kids, like so many other things. And today as I watched the kids during "pledge" time I was disappointed that they didn't care. It was meaningless to them.
I do not want to participate in a public ritualistic recitation when it means nothing to me, only because I'm told it's 9:50am and time to day it. I want to say it because it means something to me. While I understand it SHOULD mean something to me each day, and in my heart of hearts, I don't feel the need to say it unless I want to do so.
And it should mean something.
Maggie
Thursday, June 10, 2010
Pity Party for One, please
The plan was to move back here to Civilization in December 2008 and have a full time job with benefits in or very near my hometown in about three months. I would then rent an apartment or a house and stay here until Mac graduated from high school. Then I would either continue, or I would see where my wanderlust took me next.
Well, as the title implies, things didn't go according to plan.
I have applied for at least 200 plus jobs in the last 18 months and none have come to full time fruition. I receive lash praise from colleagues and students each time I enter the teaching arena but I have no teaching license in my home state and need money to afford school to do this, which is a Catch 22= I can't afford school since I don't have a full time job and I can't get a full time job in teaching without a license. And, apparently, I can't seem to get a full time job OUT of education because everyone and their brother is still unemployed. Fuck that the experts say about employment being back on the rise; anyone unemployed in the Midwest will tell you otherwise.
And of that over 200 jobs I've applied for, about 90% are outside of education, so yes, I'm apply all over the place, trying just about anything as one might be known to do when one is desperate.
This summer I'm teaching at Alcatraz and I've applied for a job at a local mental health center, still having not heard anything. I was given a sterling recommendation so I hope that will at least merit an interview, IF they decide to look at people externally. But when the summer ends, it seems I'm back on the substitute teaching list if nothing else comes along.
This summer I had high hopes of living and working in Ireland, but that fell through; I was having help on that end to find a job and a place to live but to no avail. I would've been happy as a live in au pair or a house sitter and a bartender, but the person who was helping didn't seemed to inclined to really "help" so it just became another dream, another disappointment.
I hate it when nothing goes according to plan.
I'm trying to find work and it's not working. I'm stressed to the point of breaking. I'm on the verge of tears all the time. I get home from school and want nothing more than to sleep from 3pm until I have to get up the next day. My uncle (and aunt) where here a short time ago and my uncle adds to my stress... because I don't have a job. Well, duh. If I could get one, at this point, don't ya think I would? It's always on my mind and having it in my face doesn't help.
I worry about EVERYTHING. ALL the time. Sometimes I think it would be easier to crawl into the deep dark recesses of my mind and think about what it would be like to not have to worry about it all, and what I could do to make life easier for everyone, self included, eventually. Those thoughts aren't usually good. I feel like an inmate who's been left in charge of the asylum.
This isn't where I wanted to be or who I want to be. Sometimes, though, a person just doesn't have any means to control... anything.
Mags
Well, as the title implies, things didn't go according to plan.
I have applied for at least 200 plus jobs in the last 18 months and none have come to full time fruition. I receive lash praise from colleagues and students each time I enter the teaching arena but I have no teaching license in my home state and need money to afford school to do this, which is a Catch 22= I can't afford school since I don't have a full time job and I can't get a full time job in teaching without a license. And, apparently, I can't seem to get a full time job OUT of education because everyone and their brother is still unemployed. Fuck that the experts say about employment being back on the rise; anyone unemployed in the Midwest will tell you otherwise.
And of that over 200 jobs I've applied for, about 90% are outside of education, so yes, I'm apply all over the place, trying just about anything as one might be known to do when one is desperate.
This summer I'm teaching at Alcatraz and I've applied for a job at a local mental health center, still having not heard anything. I was given a sterling recommendation so I hope that will at least merit an interview, IF they decide to look at people externally. But when the summer ends, it seems I'm back on the substitute teaching list if nothing else comes along.
This summer I had high hopes of living and working in Ireland, but that fell through; I was having help on that end to find a job and a place to live but to no avail. I would've been happy as a live in au pair or a house sitter and a bartender, but the person who was helping didn't seemed to inclined to really "help" so it just became another dream, another disappointment.
I hate it when nothing goes according to plan.
I'm trying to find work and it's not working. I'm stressed to the point of breaking. I'm on the verge of tears all the time. I get home from school and want nothing more than to sleep from 3pm until I have to get up the next day. My uncle (and aunt) where here a short time ago and my uncle adds to my stress... because I don't have a job. Well, duh. If I could get one, at this point, don't ya think I would? It's always on my mind and having it in my face doesn't help.
I worry about EVERYTHING. ALL the time. Sometimes I think it would be easier to crawl into the deep dark recesses of my mind and think about what it would be like to not have to worry about it all, and what I could do to make life easier for everyone, self included, eventually. Those thoughts aren't usually good. I feel like an inmate who's been left in charge of the asylum.
This isn't where I wanted to be or who I want to be. Sometimes, though, a person just doesn't have any means to control... anything.
Mags
Monday, March 22, 2010
After all, tomorrow is another day
Tonight Curley was going to help me make a new dress. I got the material and pattern over the weekend. We bought two sorts of material and she was going to walk me through the pattern one time then I could do it by myself the second time.
We have all the pieces cut out for one dress, and then we sewed have of the neck and one sleeve. Then her sewing machine DIED. Her oldest son, the Brilliant King of Computers, even took the foot peddle apart and it still didn't help. (This isn't the first time son had to operate on the foot peddle of her sewing machine; it's about the third or forth time.) So the dress, which we thought we could have finished in less than three hours, is just a lonely pile of material. I offered to take her to Wally World so she could buy a new sewing machine to finish my dress but for some reason that didn't fly. I brought the pieces home with instructions on what to do so tomorrow night I'm going to try it myself.
Then while I was at her house, the Brilliant King of Computers thought he could make a new icon for my blog. When you look at the line where thew world wide address is and where the orange blogger logo is, he put a pink high heel shoe. Right now you're all looking up there and there's no pink shoe. Well, it worked at his house on their computer but here at home all I have is a big orange B and no pink shoe. I have no idea where it went. Or why it went.
I would say that tonight didn't turn out all that great, but it was similar to the rest of my day! I think I might have neglected to say that I had a balance of $11 according to the bank but in my book I had a $100- I forgot to write down I paid my cell phone. And four students were sick and hacked and coughed all over me. And I had an overdue library book. And an overdue movie. And my car wouldn't start this morning and Mac was late to school and I had to call his Sperm Donor to give him a ride. I think that was all for a Monday; it was enough.
Manic Monday,
Maggie
We have all the pieces cut out for one dress, and then we sewed have of the neck and one sleeve. Then her sewing machine DIED. Her oldest son, the Brilliant King of Computers, even took the foot peddle apart and it still didn't help. (This isn't the first time son had to operate on the foot peddle of her sewing machine; it's about the third or forth time.) So the dress, which we thought we could have finished in less than three hours, is just a lonely pile of material. I offered to take her to Wally World so she could buy a new sewing machine to finish my dress but for some reason that didn't fly. I brought the pieces home with instructions on what to do so tomorrow night I'm going to try it myself.
Then while I was at her house, the Brilliant King of Computers thought he could make a new icon for my blog. When you look at the line where thew world wide address is and where the orange blogger logo is, he put a pink high heel shoe. Right now you're all looking up there and there's no pink shoe. Well, it worked at his house on their computer but here at home all I have is a big orange B and no pink shoe. I have no idea where it went. Or why it went.
I would say that tonight didn't turn out all that great, but it was similar to the rest of my day! I think I might have neglected to say that I had a balance of $11 according to the bank but in my book I had a $100- I forgot to write down I paid my cell phone. And four students were sick and hacked and coughed all over me. And I had an overdue library book. And an overdue movie. And my car wouldn't start this morning and Mac was late to school and I had to call his Sperm Donor to give him a ride. I think that was all for a Monday; it was enough.
Manic Monday,
Maggie
Monday, March 15, 2010
Damn computers!
I have a laptop that's sick. It has a cord that plugs into an outlet like all other laptops but there's a short somewhere and it isn't "acknowledging" that my computer is plugged in. Therefore, it's running off the battery but I have no way to recharge it. Yes Houston, we have a problem. Because when the battery dies I don't know what I'm going to do.
I went to see the Geek Squad and they tried several other cords to see if that could be it. It's not. The Geek Squad dude I worked with told me the terminal where the cord connects is really, really loose; apparently they aren't supposed to "dangle" in the slot. Go figure! He thinks it could be a short and it could be fixed if it was welded. But to have the Geek Squad do it, my laptop has to be sent away AND they charge $75 per hour. I asked if he has other suggestions. He gave me the name of two local guys who do computer repairs. Then he said if that didn't fix it, my motherboard is probably fried.
Oh greeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaat- a fried motherboard- joy, joy. So if the welding doesn't work I can either get a new motherboard for about $200. My laptop is an Acer which new is almost $350. Yeah, do the math.
Curley's Oldest Son is a computer whiz and he volunteered to look at it for me and he will probably do the welding part. I hope that fixes it!
And no, it's no longer under warranty.
I only have 45 minutes of battery life. And I need to get my pictures and word documents off. I have over 1000 songs in my Itunes. I also want to save all my bookmarks (This is why I haven't been reading blogs like I usually do- all my favs are marked on my computer and I'm currently using Daddy-O's- thank you kind sir! And I'm sorry blog readers for not reciprocating). I want to try and save all this stuff on a couple thumbdrives. The pictures and word documents are most important. I hope I can do it in the 45 minute window. I don't even want to know how much it would cost to take the "memory" out of the computer and retrieve stuff. Or if it's even possible.
It really throws me off, too. I'm very lucky to have access to Daddy-O's computer or I would have to go to the library otherwise. But I'm used to surfing while I sit in a comfy chair or sitting with said laptop on my...well, lap, and watching tv, even if I'm not doing anything with it. Or surfing during commercials. I feel like I've lost a limb or something. Okay, not quite that bad but you get my drift, right?
I love technology when it works and I get my way. The rest of the time, it just sucks. Majorly sucks.
Blowin' raspberries at my laptop,
Maggie
I went to see the Geek Squad and they tried several other cords to see if that could be it. It's not. The Geek Squad dude I worked with told me the terminal where the cord connects is really, really loose; apparently they aren't supposed to "dangle" in the slot. Go figure! He thinks it could be a short and it could be fixed if it was welded. But to have the Geek Squad do it, my laptop has to be sent away AND they charge $75 per hour. I asked if he has other suggestions. He gave me the name of two local guys who do computer repairs. Then he said if that didn't fix it, my motherboard is probably fried.
Oh greeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaat- a fried motherboard- joy, joy. So if the welding doesn't work I can either get a new motherboard for about $200. My laptop is an Acer which new is almost $350. Yeah, do the math.
Curley's Oldest Son is a computer whiz and he volunteered to look at it for me and he will probably do the welding part. I hope that fixes it!
And no, it's no longer under warranty.
I only have 45 minutes of battery life. And I need to get my pictures and word documents off. I have over 1000 songs in my Itunes. I also want to save all my bookmarks (This is why I haven't been reading blogs like I usually do- all my favs are marked on my computer and I'm currently using Daddy-O's- thank you kind sir! And I'm sorry blog readers for not reciprocating). I want to try and save all this stuff on a couple thumbdrives. The pictures and word documents are most important. I hope I can do it in the 45 minute window. I don't even want to know how much it would cost to take the "memory" out of the computer and retrieve stuff. Or if it's even possible.
It really throws me off, too. I'm very lucky to have access to Daddy-O's computer or I would have to go to the library otherwise. But I'm used to surfing while I sit in a comfy chair or sitting with said laptop on my...well, lap, and watching tv, even if I'm not doing anything with it. Or surfing during commercials. I feel like I've lost a limb or something. Okay, not quite that bad but you get my drift, right?
I love technology when it works and I get my way. The rest of the time, it just sucks. Majorly sucks.
Blowin' raspberries at my laptop,
Maggie
Monday, February 22, 2010
Dumping
What is this, you ask? Well, I'll tell you!
These are the flowers I received today- AT SCHOOL- from Sam, the date guy from Friday night who was my annual date. Oh. My. God. He sent me these beautiful flowers, of course, after I DECIDED to tell him I don't want to see him anymore, but hadn't yet done that. Did I mention he sent them to me at school? In front of all my kids who wanted to know who they were from. Shite!
But they smell really pretty in a HUGE classroom, but in Daddy-O's small kitchen it sort of smells like a funeral home.... okay, anyway...
Why in the world can't the man I want to send me flowers actually SEND them to me rather than this weird dude??
Okay, after much ribbing from my... well, everyone and mostly Mac (I wish I had a recorder when he gave me a 20 minute monologue about this entire situation), I knew I was still going to call him and tell him I don't want to see him anymore, and now I had to thank him for flowers while extracting myself at the same time. Juggling- it's a talent.
So when he called me tonight, I thanked him for the flowers, told him that while I appreciate them and they're just beautiful, I told him I thought about it over the weekend and I didn't think we would work out, that it was me not him, and thank you for the time we spent together, but I'm just not interested. He choked out an okay. Then I said I might see him around and to take care of himself and have a nice life. I actually said, "have a nice life." I can't believe I said that. I bet his mom calls me and yells. He whispered okay, and I have a feeling he was about ready to cry.
Should I have went with the swimming analogy? I also thought about suggesting he would be a good monk or priest but Daddy-O didn't think that would be very nice. Funny, but not very nice.
I have a feeling this is not the last I'll hear from him but I am going to totally take Curley's advice and not answer phone calls and text messages I may get from him.
They flowers are lovely, but it just.... ack! Oh, and the card read, "Thank you so much for a wonderful evening. Sam" And it was written in his own handwriting; he didn't just phone it in. I have this dreaded feeling in the pit of my stomach that he actually delivered them to the school himself. I'm gonna hear about that tomorrow, I have a feeling.
I want to say I love love love to receive flowers. And if he hasn't gotten weird with the mom thing and the niece and girlfriend thing, and if it was reciprocal feelings then maybe the flowers wouldn't seem weird.
So, I did the deed and made the call.
So, now I don't have to worry about dating again until next year.
All the single ladies,
Maggie
These are the flowers I received today- AT SCHOOL- from Sam, the date guy from Friday night who was my annual date. Oh. My. God. He sent me these beautiful flowers, of course, after I DECIDED to tell him I don't want to see him anymore, but hadn't yet done that. Did I mention he sent them to me at school? In front of all my kids who wanted to know who they were from. Shite!But they smell really pretty in a HUGE classroom, but in Daddy-O's small kitchen it sort of smells like a funeral home.... okay, anyway...
Why in the world can't the man I want to send me flowers actually SEND them to me rather than this weird dude??
Okay, after much ribbing from my... well, everyone and mostly Mac (I wish I had a recorder when he gave me a 20 minute monologue about this entire situation), I knew I was still going to call him and tell him I don't want to see him anymore, and now I had to thank him for flowers while extracting myself at the same time. Juggling- it's a talent.
So when he called me tonight, I thanked him for the flowers, told him that while I appreciate them and they're just beautiful, I told him I thought about it over the weekend and I didn't think we would work out, that it was me not him, and thank you for the time we spent together, but I'm just not interested. He choked out an okay. Then I said I might see him around and to take care of himself and have a nice life. I actually said, "have a nice life." I can't believe I said that. I bet his mom calls me and yells. He whispered okay, and I have a feeling he was about ready to cry.
Should I have went with the swimming analogy? I also thought about suggesting he would be a good monk or priest but Daddy-O didn't think that would be very nice. Funny, but not very nice.
I have a feeling this is not the last I'll hear from him but I am going to totally take Curley's advice and not answer phone calls and text messages I may get from him.
They flowers are lovely, but it just.... ack! Oh, and the card read, "Thank you so much for a wonderful evening. Sam" And it was written in his own handwriting; he didn't just phone it in. I have this dreaded feeling in the pit of my stomach that he actually delivered them to the school himself. I'm gonna hear about that tomorrow, I have a feeling.
I want to say I love love love to receive flowers. And if he hasn't gotten weird with the mom thing and the niece and girlfriend thing, and if it was reciprocal feelings then maybe the flowers wouldn't seem weird.
So, I did the deed and made the call.
So, now I don't have to worry about dating again until next year.
All the single ladies,
Maggie
Wednesday, November 18, 2009
Bang Head Here *
You remember how I said Event Chaser was going to send me to fulfill a life long dream of seeing the Rockette's Christmas show? I got an email today that says they can't because tickets are sold out.
My life sucks.
And I can't afford to buy my own, or I would've done that weeks ago, or at least saved money to have bought one.
This isn't really my week. Trust me on this. Really NOT. MY. WEEK.
I'm sitting here staring at the keyboard, trying to find the silver lining or trying to decide if I want to outline the "bad week"ness of it all or just click publish and call it a day.
Publish.
Maggie
My life sucks.
And I can't afford to buy my own, or I would've done that weeks ago, or at least saved money to have bought one.
This isn't really my week. Trust me on this. Really NOT. MY. WEEK.
I'm sitting here staring at the keyboard, trying to find the silver lining or trying to decide if I want to outline the "bad week"ness of it all or just click publish and call it a day.
Publish.
Maggie
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