I got the dentist blues....

Regular readers of this blog and fans of "Maggie" as well as my real life friends all know that I am scared to death of the dentist. As in irrational fear of the dentist. There aren't enough words to encompass the dental fears. Intellectually, I have complete control of it-- emotionally I'm a total basket case.

Back in 2009-2010 I had to have a root canal. I was living with Daddy-O then and that experience should open the gates of heaven wide open to him when the time comes. The poor guy went above the parental duties and took me to all my appointments AND also dealt with me before and after each of them. Our friend Curly helped us through with ride alongs and moral support, too. These 2 people love me unconditionally (only God knows why!) and took it all in stride, never once making me feel like an idiot, a fool, silly, a loser, ridiculous. Neither of them got mad at me or told me to "suck it up" or "get it together" or to "stop acting like a baby." They may not have understood the irrational-Maggie-needs-therapy-to-deal-with-the-dentist fear i have but they understood me and, in the words of Vonnegut... so it goes.

Well, I've moved and life is different and I had to have another dental procedure. (Yes, I intellectually I understand if I went to the dentist for regular check-ups/cleanings then I wouldn't have to have surgery every few years. Dental fear outranks irrationality). This started about 8 weeks ago.

BAAAAAAAAAAAAAD toothache. Shit.

Find a new dentist here in the Capital. I have no insurance so I had to find someone who would take payments, new patients, and who could deal with my hysteria. And well, holy cow, believe it or now, I found such a guy.

I made my first appointment. Mac took me- we knew it was going to be a consult and Mac had the day off so there was no reason for TheGuy to take the day off. It was a get to know the dentist/patient and talk and take a look in my mouth. That appointment went fine. I hyperventilated on the way there, Mac talked me down and I only cried a little in the waiting room. The dentist who specializes in people like me said I would have to have either a root canal ($3000) or have it extracted ($900). Okay, an extraction. We made an appointment for 10 days.

I was feeling pretty okay because the dentist said he would give me a pill the night before to help me sleep, a pill to relax me the morning off and he would give me and IV and knock me out. I wouldn't feel a thing. Okay, I could do this. I was fine. I was going to be out like a light.

TheGuy and I took the day off to take me. Apparently things didn't go according to plan... I took the drugs like I was supposed to but I'm a pretty hard stick so they couldn't give me the IV. I was pretty loopy and I was told- because I remember none of this- that when I saw the needle he was going to give me  a shot in the arm as a different approach I cried and begged to now stick me. Okay, the dentist reasons that he would send me to a dental surgeon who could do a better job.

Remember I'm basically unconscious. I don't remember any of the following. They wheel-chaired me to the car, TheGuy drove across town, picking up Mac from work and dropping him at home since he got done early, took me to the surgeon, had me fill out paperwork and took me to an exam room. The surgeon there said he couldn't do the extraction because of all the drugs I already had AND because he wanted payment up front. TheGuy and I left and he took me home and put me to bed. I woke up at 5PM feeling like a truck has driven over me, then back up and did it again, and I still had the freakin' tooth.  I remember none of that paragraph.

TheGuy was pissed and said i was a baby and should suck it up and I was being ridiculous. I guess I was apparently lippy to him about his ex-wife. I do NOT remember. I have no idea. He was completely pissed and douchebag to me over nothing I remember- I don't even remember now.

So, I still have this infected impacted tooth and I have to get rid of it.

I call my dentist back on Monday. His entire staff was so nice and they said how bad they felt because I was so upset. They were so kind. The doc had a plan. He said he had a friend who is a phlebotomist and she would come in and give me the IV if I wanted to try again. I can't believe they were willing to try again, all things considered. We also agreed no silly pills. I was going to take one Valium before, then I was going to listen to music with noise canceling headphones (I made a dentist play list) and have some nitrous. He would give me an IV if necessary.

Now, who was going to take me? I checked to see how much a cab would be and it was close to $60 from the office to my apartment. Over my dead body was asking TheGuy (it's very telling about him. You know in marriage vows the whole "in sickness and in health" part? He obviously isn't very "sickness". good thing I'm not married to him. This is very serious food for thought, in my opinion.). I sorts of hinted to Daddy-O but didn't come right out and ask. It would've been a lot to ask of him though and I wanted to see if I could come up with my own plan. My Boss said he could pick me up and trust me, I was ready to go that route before I was ready to ask TheGuy... but alas, it turned out that Mac had the day off and he VOLUNTEERED to take me.

So my 21 year old kid who is mostly messed up in his own right, said he would drive me. And he did. My appoint was at 7:30 am and he was up on time and ready to go. He was making silly jokes. He was nice. He got me there and held my hand until I was out like a light. He didn't make fun of my dentist play list I created.  The IV was necessary but Mac was there through it all. He drove me home, picked up my extra prescription, got me in the house and to bed and he stayed with me all day long to make sure I was okay. He made me soup and Jell-O.

I feel icky physically today but I'll live. I got through it. And this time, I'm going to work really hard to go to the dentist every 6 months for a cleaning and check up. My new dentist said he'll give me free nitrous for a cleaning if I need it until I get relaxed to have one without. He said it's his goal to turn me into a dental pro. He's a good person. Mac is a good person. I think yesterday he earned some "heaven points."*

So, now I'm just taking it easy today.

Nursing the hole in my head,
Maggie

*An aside---- a while ago my friend Lori and I were talking about crap we did and wished there was a reward system when we had to deal with stupid people or do stuff we didn't want but felt we "had" to do. We figured it was a way to earn "heaven points." We don't have a tight number system more just a catch phrase like... Lori: "I have to chaperon a field trip because the math teacher got the flu and couldn't go at the last minute." Me: "You just earned a ton of heaven points." Her: "no shit."

PS- In the above post I also mentioned that I created a dentist play list. I did. I wanted great music to listen to while this was happening in case I didn't need the IV. Okay, I needed the IV but I had to be ready. I was in a complete conundrum about what to play. First, I didn't want it to be something quiet/soothing/calm because that is all soft music and I was afraid it wouldn't be loud enough to cover the scary dentist tools and tooth pulling sounds. I didn't want head banging stuff that would cause my blood pressure to raise which would then force the nurse to kick my drugs lower and then I might wake up and hear dental scary stuff. So I had to found a blend of happy music that was also pop/rock/loud. Below is a list of music I used as my dentist play list (and my dentist LAUGHED) when he looked at the titles... Google and enjoy yourself:

1. Stacy's Mom- Bowling for Soup
2. Almost- Bowling for Soup
3. Like a Virgin- Madonna
4. Hit Me with Your Best Shot- Pat Benatar
5. Don't Stop Believin'- Journey
6. Material Girl- Madonna
7. Vogue- Madonna
8. Bohemian Rhapsody- Queen
9. Give 'em Hell- American Rejects
10.  Drive By- Train
11. Toucha Toucha Toucha- Rocky Horror Picture Show soundtrack
12. Note Ready to make Nice- Dixie Chicks
13. Tiny Dancer- Elton John
14. I Kissed a Girl- Katy Perry
15. Hate Myself for Lovin' You- Joan Jett
16. Hot and Cold- Katy Perry
17. American Woman- Lenny Kravitz
18. Whiskey Girl- Toby Keith
19. Since You've Been Gone- Kelly Clarkson
20. You May be Right- Billy Joel
21. The Way you Make Me Feel- Michael Jackson and Brittany Spears
22. Rockstar- Nickelback
23. Hey Soul Sister- train
24. Eye of the Tiger-Survivor
25. We Will Rock You- Queen
26. Little Red Corvette- Prince
27. Mamma Mia- Mamma Mia soundtrack- performed by Abba
28. Stuck in the Middle With You- Steeler's Wheel

Damn computers!

I have a laptop that's sick. It has a cord that plugs into an outlet like all other laptops but there's a short somewhere and it isn't "acknowledging" that my computer is plugged in. Therefore, it's running off the battery but I have no way to recharge it. Yes Houston, we have a problem. Because when the battery dies I don't know what I'm going to do.

I went to see the Geek Squad and they tried several other cords to see if that could be it. It's not. The Geek Squad dude I worked with told me the terminal where the cord connects is really, really loose; apparently they aren't supposed to "dangle" in the slot. Go figure! He thinks it could be a short and it could be fixed if it was welded. But to have the Geek Squad do it, my laptop has to be sent away AND they charge $75 per hour. I asked if he has other suggestions. He gave me the name of two local guys who do computer repairs. Then he said if that didn't fix it, my motherboard is probably fried.

Oh greeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaat- a fried motherboard- joy, joy. So if the welding doesn't work I can either get a new motherboard for about $200. My laptop is an Acer which new is almost $350. Yeah, do the math.

Curley's Oldest Son is a computer whiz and he volunteered to look at it for me and he will probably do the welding part. I hope that fixes it!

And no, it's no longer under warranty.

I only have 45 minutes of battery life. And I need to get my pictures and word documents off. I have over 1000 songs in my Itunes. I also want to save all my bookmarks (This is why I haven't been reading blogs like I usually do- all my favs are marked on my computer and I'm currently using Daddy-O's- thank you kind sir! And I'm sorry blog readers for not reciprocating). I want to try and save all this stuff on a couple thumbdrives. The pictures and word documents are most important. I hope I can do it in the 45 minute window. I don't even want to know how much it would cost to take the "memory" out of the computer and retrieve stuff. Or if it's even possible.

It really throws me off, too. I'm very lucky to have access to Daddy-O's computer or I would have to go to the library otherwise. But I'm used to surfing while I sit in a comfy chair or sitting with said laptop on my...well, lap, and watching tv, even if I'm not doing anything with it. Or surfing during commercials. I feel like I've lost a limb or something. Okay, not quite that bad but you get my drift, right?

I love technology when it works and I get my way. The rest of the time, it just sucks. Majorly sucks.

Blowin' raspberries at my laptop,
Maggie

D Day II: I think I've mentioned how much I hate going to the dentist?

I had to go back to the dentist last Friday to be fit for a crown and get a temporary crown after the huge root canal surgery. Everyone I know, first, has been super supportive over my dental drama and about my fears. (Thanks you!) I also like the fact that it's called a crown... though I would prefer the term "tiara"... my dentist thought that was hilarious!

And everyone I know who has ever had a crown put on told me getting fit for said crown is as easy as pie. No need to worry because it doesn't hurt, it's a super short visit, no pain, no reason to get a shot in the mouth, just a really simple thing.

So I about had a heart attack in the dentist chair when she said I would need to be numb for what she had to do. I think I had a REAL panic attack: black spots before my eyes, chest pains, hyperventilating breathing, sweaty palms... but I didn't cry this time.

After I finally got calmed down, I explained what everyone had been telling me and then asked in a nice, terrified, meek voice why I had to be different. Because. Well, there was more to it than that, but the easy reason is 'because.'

The harder reason is that since my dentist didn't do the actual root canal, another dental surgeon did, she had to do some stuff that she would normally do if she had to perform the root canal herself. The specialist guy just did the root canal and then filled my tooth with sterile cotton and a temporary putty stuff. MY dentist had to take out all the stuff he did, fill it herself, smooth down the filling, then make the mold for my tooth and then put the temporary crown on. Apparently, somewhere in there, something was going to hurt.

My dentist is an awesome woman so we talked this through and finally decided that she would use topical numbing stuff and if I was uncomfortable or in pain she could actually give me a numbing shot. So she would work on me and then numb me with topical and then work and numb, etc. I didn't move a muscle because she was working near the gum line and that's apparently where the pain would be.

So, the miracle of all miracles is that I got through the entire procedure without crying (panic attack not withstanding) and without having to get a shot in the mouth. She told me she was really proud of me and I was so much better than I was the last time. The dentist herself promised the next time I went back to get the real crown, it would be about a 20 minute visit and a piece of cake. She said it should NOT hurt; it might be uncomfortable. She also said NO SHOTS, and she promised.

Then I went to pay and the panic attack happened again and...

Mags, conquering fear through dentistry...

Mac and the driver license permit

It is done. My baby has a driver's permit. The BMV gave him one. He's allowed to drive on the roads. With the rest of us. In a car. As the driver.

We've been studying and testing from the manual for a few weeks, and especially the last few days. I think I know driving rules of the road and signs better now than I ever have, which can't hurt.

Today was the big day. Mac didn't take drivers' training at school because he missed it in the Wild West by moving and he missed it here in Civilization because it's a summer course. So it's up to his dad and to me to teach him to drive. All I can say to that is: "Oh My God."

Before he could take the test I had to provide proof of his existence, as if his 5'11", 260 pound towering and hulking presence wasn't enough. I had his social security card, his birth certificate, and his school report card. Then he took the written test, which is all that's required for a permit, and he passed!!!!! He didn't miss any questions at all. The women working told him it had been a long time since anyone had a perfect score- he even got all the feet and yards stopping and passing questions. They thought he rocked!

After a picture that looks like a mug shot (like the rest of them in this state) and indicating he wanted to be an organ donor (with no prodding from me) by telling them "Sure I'll donate it all. I'm dead. Why do I need it?", we had to drive all over town: to Wal-Mart, out to his school, through a used car lot to shop for a car for him (after having his permit for 10 minutes), and to my house. So here I am 2 hours later, a quarter of a gallon of gas less, I'm wanting a shot of whiskey but he's driving. We also got a new wallet for the permit, some starter cash (his idea, not mine) for the wallet, and a picture of the Divine Ms. K for the photo slot. He also got a key ring (Superman emblem) and a copy of the key to my car, my treat!

In 60 days, he can take the driving test. He doesn't have to take another written test or another vision test. He just had to learn to drive and then demonstrate to a state approved instructor he can, then my baby is driving.

And I'll be attending AA meetings on a regular basis,
Mags

What's love got to do with it?

I read in a book or saw in a movie recently, about the idea or concept of the balance of love. I've been Googling it and trying to find the book or film to no avail (because I can't get the exact movie quote and am not sure of the medium) but I have run across some web sites that deal with the imbalance of love. And now no matter what I wrote about it in this post, it seems as if I have stolen the words of another and I don't mean to.... But accidental plagiarism aside... If anyone knows the book or movie I'm talking about, please please tell me because it's making my brain hurt!

In this movie or book the idea was that in every relationship one person loves the other person more than they are loved. And breakups can happen because of two ideas: whoever loves the other person less ends up being the person to causes the break up.

OR

The person who loved the most tries to make themselves the person loved least and then does the leaving so they don't end up getting hurt

I remember the first time I heard these ideas and I thought they were shit. Then I mulled it over and I think... well... I think it's true- both sides.

So then I'm looking at myself in my relationship with Sam and it makes me think thoughts I don't want to think.

And leads me to think stupid thoughts and ask stupid questions: is it better to have loved and lost or to have never loved at all? And while pondering all these philosophical matters of the heart, I am also a huge firm believer that there isn't one perfect person for everyone AND that not all people were meant to be paired up, there is NOT someone for everyone. Some of us are just meant to be alone, and I think the sooner we all come to realize that, and figure out if we are one of the "loner" people, then pondering matters of the heart don't really matter.

Loner or lover,
Maggie

I'm sick!

I'm sick with a head cold. I hate this. I'm taking huge amounts of Sudafed and cold meds and blowing my nose like mad in an effort to be well by Thursday because flying with a cold is NOT fun. I hate this, hate this, hate this. I had to turn down subbing yesterday because I felt like I was run over by a bus! Shit shit shit!

snottily yours,
Maggie

The State Department isn't feeling the love apparently

I think Hilary Clinton is the anti-Cupid. I still have no passport!!!!

I cannot find my status on their website any more, either. I've called and asked about it with no answers that are useful.

Sam has called every Washington contact he has and no one can touch my passport application which is somewhere in the Philly office.

And I was supposed to leave on Friday... guess that's not gonna happen. AND I'm missing a holiday with him in Amsterdam. He's still going, and I don't blame him. It's part pleasure and part business. I'm jealous and just sick about it; this sucks!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Pissy pink,
Mags

Is the plural of penis peni?

Farrago (I bet he's wondering how he's drug into a post with THIS title) mentioned the Craigslist website and something called meet-ups over on his blog. I read about his success and great experiences & I thought this sounded like fun. The way he described it was like single folks meeting at places for outings- dinners, shows, museums, etc. I moved back here and thought I would see if North Civilization had such an activity on Craigslist.

I Googled it and click all the right city info and events and such. And guess what I get when I hunt for meet-ups in my area? Pictures of penises- lots and lots of penises.

After being slightly embarrassed and mortified, I became sort of intrigued. It was like a bad car accident and I couldn't look away. I mean, after seeing about 10 pictures of penises, I was sort of desensitized by the actual "members." (side note- I think penises just prove that if there was a God she had a sense of humor through the creation of the penis. They are JUST not attractive. Useful, yes. Most of the time pleasurable if used correctly, yes. Pretty- NO!!) But I became more interested the actual wording of their "ads" for meet-ups.

First, I think these guys are shameless and wacko. They will be the ones who leave your dead body in a seedy motel room he's rented by the hour. He'll use the skin of your body for his costume. Lotion in the bucket, anyone? The scary factor aside, though...

This was hilarious! Penises everywhere! Of course they were all erect and these guys have no idea what women are gonna think of as hot... First, if you're going to take a picture of your penis and post it on the Internet, the least you could do before shooting the picture is to kick your dirty underpants off the floor and out of the way. Or don't take a picture of your wang with a stack of kids' board games piled in the background. Or a cluster of WEDDING PICTURES on the shelf behind you!!!!!! And have these guys heard of trimming the forest? PLEASE! A hirsute is nasty!

And they say things like "I don't even want to know your name, I just want to f*** you..." or "married man looking for secret fun" or "Handsome 66 year old man looking for an 18-21 year old female to spoil, spank and fondle- light S&M to be expected" and he had a picture of his dong and his naked, red, saggy, recently spanked, wrinkly, old man ass. NO! And NSA means "no strings attached" if you answer an ad... OMG- wrong, wrong, wrong.

So, of course I have to tell Hecate about this and she sends me a link to a blog site called Desperately Seeking... Something? The creators of this site have taken the nasty penis shots from Craigslist, compiled them onto a blog, and wrote their own captions... OMG! This is some seriously funny stuff! It's adult content- you have been warned.

Moral of this story- Craigslist is scary, that many penises on a web page are scary, and never trust Farrago. By the way, I still don't know the answer to my original question that titled this whole post!

There are times when being blind wouldn't be so bad,
Maggie

To hell with love- Valium can build a bridge

I hate bridges. I especially hate the metal bridges, with metal bottoms, that make the "whump whump whump" noise when driven over and have the metal arch over it. I hate bridges that do NOT look sturdy. I hate bridges that are looooong. I hate bridges that have low sides and I can see the water below. I hate bridges that appear to go up hill so tall boats, barges and ships may pass underneath. I hate when all these things are combined together in one bridge crossing experience.

For someone who loves the water as much as I do, I realize it does seem strange to hate bridges. But they scare me. I grew up in a town with a river running smack down the middle of it and I can cross 2 of the three bridges in this town without pause, probably because I've done it all my life, they are short, the fall isn't far, the sides are high and I can't see the water, and they are made of cement and look just like a road- I can fool myself into believing it's just plain old road. even when I travel as a passenger, I shut my eyes and breathe until I'm over the bridges. I just think happy thoughts and don't look. I usually avoid places which have huge, scary bridges that sway, rattle and clank. But...

Which leads me to crossing the bridges on the way home from the Wild West to here in Civilization... Before I left, I knew where I was going to be crossing the Mississippi River, so I googled it. I looked up information and learned about the bridge and I even managed to see pictures. I knew I would be fine because it looked like just a regular, old road, all cement and high sides. I was prepped and I gave myself a pep talk. And after all the snow and wind and the blizzard, it didn't seem like such a big deal. Smooth sailing, I say. It was not a big deal and I just didn't think about it. I just though "road, road, road" and over I went with all the other cars.

However. Because I had to change my plans and divert myself 140 miles out of the way... I had forgotten about the Illinois River. That fucking HUGE river, in some spots..., in a spot where, incidentally I had to cross. And had not prepped for. had not researched.

Who just sticks a river in the way of a person without warning? Like Illinois really needs to boast a river that large? I mean, really? And hasn't that state heard of engineers who could get rid of those metal, antiquated bridges that heave and ho and shudder and groan when 5 million cars are zooming over them at warp speed??????

So, I've just driven in a blizzard for 2 days and I want to come home. I'm stressed and tense enough as it is that I'm finally out of snow and in the flow of rush hour traffic, 6 lanes of flowing traffic mind you, with no exits or no place to stop, pulling a U-Haul, going at Indy 500 speeds when suddenly, in front of me, is a bridge. A huge metal one. That arches up high so BIG boats can go underneath. The kind that shudders and shimmies and shakes and scares me. The kind I avoid at all costs. I would have lived in Iowa before I would have crossed that damn river if I would've known. I would've gone another 140 miles out of my way to not drive over a tall, shaky metal suspension bridge of death had I known. But what could I do?

There was no exit. There was traffic everywhere- 6 lanes. I had to keep going, I couldn't just stop, though I did hit my brakes and slow down and horns sounded all around me. So, I just kept going.

BUT, I shut one eye and I kept saying over and over again, "Don't shut your eyes. Don't shut your eyes. Don't shut your eyes" because the other one wanted to slam shut- all I wanted to do was close my eyes because it was scary. It was like a Pavlovian response- Maggie+ bridges= eyes shut so on top of the bridge fear, I was terrified I was going to close my eyes and drive off the edge and take others with me! I was gripping the steering wheel like a life preserver, hyperventilating, with tears rolling out of my one open eye. Do you *GET* how much I hate bridges? I was sweating and shaking, crying and self blinded because I shut ONE eye, pulling a U-Haul over an ice covered bridge of death, somewhere in fucking Iowa, going 55 mph with the flow of traffic, in a middle lane with no escape route. Can you just get a mental picture? Yeah...

Okay, so I made it across in one piece and I didn't shut my other eye. I didn't die a tragic death in Iowa (OMG that is redundant, if I do say so myself)- and I wasn't even wearing my tiara. If my cold, dead body washed up on the shore, I was sans crown and I was wearing ugly shoes! I knew it wasn't my day to die... I did exit at the first exit I came to, and had to sit for a spell until my heart resumed beating and I could breath again. I wiped the snot from my face and walked around. I went to pee. I felt better. But I seriously think the state of Iowa should do a better job of warning people that there's a huge river and a bridge of death to cross if you want out of the state alive- please Iowa, put this in your tourist literature!

And what made me think of the Bridge of Death in Iowa experience because it sounded like I should have blocked it from my subconscious after rocking in the fetal position, buying new shoes and drinking a calming Starbucks Venti Peppermint Mocha latte? Well... it was my driving test. Yes, friends, the driving test reminded me of this horrifying adventure. I should sue the BMV for PBSD (Post Bridge Stress Disorder).

One of the questions on the test, and she wouldn't give me the test so I can't copy it word for word so I'm paraphrasing here, said something like:

If your car plummets off a bridge and into the murky depths below, what do you do?
a) Use your cell phone and call for help
b) try to escape immediately
c) wait for the car to be completely covered with water, enveloping your car and soul, it will pressurize and then you can pry the window or door open and swim for help if you can take a deep enough breath
d) all of the above

And this is yet another reason I need therapy,
Maggie