I love the Christmas Tree!

The Christmas tree is still up and it's all my fault. I LOVE Christmas trees. I do. Daddy-O was going to take it down before he left 'on vacation'. He was going to take it down on Christmas day or the day after and I couldn't bear it so I promised I could take care of it. Then he left a few weeks later and he was going to take it down and again, I got him to leave it and promised it would be down before he comes home- bwahahahahahahaha- and he believed me!

I'm notorious for leaving my tree up for.... well, for long after Christmas is come and gone. And Chinese New Year is over. And often Valentine's Day is over and my tree is still up. I think Christmas trees are so pretty and just magical. They make beautiful nightlights. The world seems kinder when I can sit in a room with no other lights than those on the Christmas tree. The ornaments are usually reminders of fun times from the past. I just like a Christmas Tree.

One time, when I lived in Northern Civilization, I had my tree up. It was beautiful that year. My condo had a fireplace and my whole house was perfect the whole holiday season. I even had a holiday open house that year. Things were good and like I said, I'm a fan of the Christmas tree. So, one day, many weeks after Christmas, there was a knock at my door and three girlfriends showed up with food and drinks! They said we were having a party. O thought that sounded great! I was game for a party! They said it was a tree "untrimming" party. Well. Ok. They said it was time. So we undecorated the tree and had a party... with a St. Patrick's Day theme since it was March 17...

The other time I think my tree might have been up too long was.... well... I almost hate to admit this. Let's see... I moved from the Wild West back here to Civilization in December 2008. As a welcome home gift and surprise, Daddy-O and Curley put up a beautiful pink Christmas tree for me. I finally took that down... in September 2011. Hey don't judge! It was pink! With high heel shoes as decorations! And it had a tiara as a tree topper! And it was pink! It made me feel happy!

So... the tree is still up. I should probably find out when Daddy-O is coming back. I hope he gives me a couple weeks of a heads up.

I've never had the chance to hide Easter Eggs in the Christmas tree, though...

Mags

A holiday story of Polyurethane

I bought a spray can of Polyurethane to spray on rocks that kids painted in art club last week. I've never used such a product before. It comes in a can like spray paint, an aerosol can.

I read the back of the can and it says to remove the safety seal before spraying. I take off the lid and see there's a red dot on the nozzle area so I thought that was the safety thing. In trying to take that off, I sprayed myself: my sleeve and my hand and my fingers. Shit. Well, upon further inspection, the red dot is where the Polyurethane comes out and the safety seal was the plastic wrap on the can which I had to take off to even read the instructions. Go figure.

I sprayed the rocks and then went to the lady's room to wash my hands. I used hot water and soap and dried my hands. My hands were a little tacky and a little shiny but I didn't think anything about it.

When I got to my desk, I worked on my computer for about 20 minutes and when a student came in to hand me a book, I reached out to take it from him and... wait for it... the mouse stuck to my hand. And not just stuck and then plunk to the desk but STUCK to the point where I had to PEEL it from my hand and left sticky residue and skin on the MOUSE!! Holy shit, I polyurethaned the mouse to my HAND!!!!

That was not good.

I went to see our janitor and she gave me a bottle of chemical that we use to wash a dry erase board. So I sprayed it on my hand and it dried and my hand was no longer sticky or tacky BUT it burned like hell. I practically ran to the bathroom and washed my hands with water as hot as I could stand it and more soap. I washed and scrubbed.

When I was done, my hand was white. I mean, really white like notebook paper. Bloodless, all Edward Cullen like.

I put on hand lotion and pretty soon my flesh color came back but it was weird. I was also sans- polyurethane, and I remembered to clean my mouse, too.

Oh.... the rocks looked awesome.

Reason #243 why I shouldn't be allowed to do art projects,
Maggie

All you with penises stick together

I'm not mad or angry and it's really just a big joke between us but I really want some opinions here! This is not something that has caused relationship stress, I swear!

I had two DVDs in my hand. I held up the first one- Grosse Pointe Blank, starring John Cusak and Minnie Driver. The conversation followed:

Me: Have you seen this?
ITSam: Oh yeah. I love that movie. It's a great movie.
Me: cool. Let's watch it tonight?
Sam: Okay, sounds great.

I hold up the second movie- Beautiful Girls starring Timothy Hutton and a bunch of other people (Natalie Portman, Rosie O'Donnell, Mira Sorvino, Matt Dillion, Lauren Holl, Uma Thurmon)- and I said:
Me: And this one?
Sam: Oh, I don't like that movie.
Me: Oh really? Why?
Sam: sits there and make icky faces
Me: Oh com'on it's not that bad. it's got a great cast. Do you not like it because of Rosie?
Sam: uh, no. I just don't like it.
Me: The story is good, funny, a guy bonding thing and Natalie Portman's in it; you like here!
Sam: squirms in his seat
Me: wait, have you even WATCHED this movie?
Sam: Well, no but it doesn't look good.
Me: you said you saw it!!
Sam: Technically, I said I didn't like it, not I haven't seen it.

Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr! Okay, yes that's what he said. Yes, that's what I said. But I contend that he lied and implied he saw the movie, sort of lying by omission. He says he didn't; he says he just didn't answer the question I asked and I assumed.

Yes, technically he didn't answer my question but he knew his answer would make me THINK he saw the movie. Stuff like that drives me batty, mostly because it's such a high school student conversation!

I asked two other males their opinions and they side with ITSam. Men...!

Mags

By the way, is the plural of penis "penises" or "peni"?

Party Like a Rock Star... an Old Rock Star

I have a perfectly legit reason for not blogging yesterday. I was out until 3 am. Yes, me, out until 3 am. I didn't think I could do that anymore but I did. Damn...

ITSam and I dropped books off at my favorite used book store and I acquire some more for the school library. While there we met some cat who ended up giving me his business card because I was looking for the entire Michael Buble set of cds and he says he has over 4, 200 CDs and if I email him he'll give me HIS set. More on that in a later post!

Then he and I got some of my favorite cupcakes (tomorrow's post!) and grabbed dinner.

After dinner we decided we really weren't ready to go home. We thought we'd go somewhere to hear some music. Now neither of us were dressed for a club scene nor we were appareled correctly for a nice jazz club. So I agreed, with reticence, to go to a country bar he knew about. He said we could sit in a back booth, chill out, have a few drinks and maybe take a spin or two around the dance floor.

We arrived, parked, paid our cover and then learned there was no country music that night. My first thought was "yay!" until I heard the band. A classic rock band. That covered Poison, Scorpion, Ratt,, etc. Not even the "good" sort of classic rock. I was wishing for country.

But as not to be a killjoy I put my best foot forward, chugged a couple beers and sat back to people watch. Oh my god. It was... surreal. I was wishing I had my camera. You know that web site about the scary looking people at Wal-Mart? Well, I think this bar was where they came to socialize.

There was a woman who had to be in her mid 50s. She was UGLY! She hit every branch on the way down as she fell from the ugly tree! She was also way overly tan. And her body, while sorta skinny-ish, was droopy. And she had this ugly light brown hair all pulled back into a ponytail and then added one of those long extensions so it looked like it went to her butt. Only the extension was a white blonde color. No it didn't match her real color. And she wore blue eye shadow and orange frosted lipstick right out of the 1980s. She also wore skinny jeans, black, with a studded belt. Studded as in goth not in Harley Davidson. And the worse this shirt thing. It was red and lacy and looked of like a negligee. It had a diving neck line and itty-bitty spaghetti straps. Did I mention she was in her mid 50s and her boobs were droopy and she wasn't wearing a bra??

Sam and I decided when her boobs fell out we were leaving.

She would dance and sway alone on the dance floor with one flimsy strap of that top off her shoulder and she would jiggle, with her eyes closed. she was drunk off her ass and couldn't walk a straight line. It was unreal. I can't remember ever seeing anything like that before. Ever.

We left before her boobs hit the floor but it was close. She did manage to take off her shoes and dance alone on the dance floor and once in awhile she perked up and sort of strutted like Mick Jagger.

Other things that were strange were fashions. The 80s are definitely in. There were tons of girls with ripped and holey jeans. Lots of ripped shirts dangling of shoulders- hello Flashdance called and would like her shirt back. One woman who was about 50 wore heels and pants that were totally from the end scene in Grease. And she too was unattractive. And then there was the woman and her friends and she was the one with no style. She had on "mom pants" and tennis shoes. She had on a t-shirt that was Tye-dyed. And she carried a Vera Bradley purse- one of the huge patterned soccer mom totes. Sam said nothing screams "I'm having my period and am old" like that look. Then there were the 2 couples who looked like they came from church....

Then there was the guy in the wheel chair who "danced" and was wearing dirty ripped sweat pants and a t-shirt he had ripped from under the arms to his waist and the young skinny crack whore looking chick who straddled him and bounced up and down on his lap while he buried his face in her non-existent boobs. Hello, Forrest Gump called and is looking for Lieutenant Dan.

The crowd was older. I was expecting it to be young. Well, was I wrong. It was a mixed, eclectic bag of folks but mostly it was older people. They were about my age and up, but mostly up. And dressed outrageously. And behaved outrageously.

Sam and I actually saw people we knew and while they were dressed appropriately they were pretty outrageous as well. I was sort of ashamed at their behavior.

The band made me laugh. They really all wanted to be Bret Michaels. They all wore torn jeans, tight jeans. And no shirts but leather vests. And had long, stick straight white blond hair. And they were old. they were my age or older, mostly older.

After we left we still didn't have enough night life so we tried one more country bar. They actually played country music and we danced and two-stepped. We had a few drinks and laughed and danced and sang.

I got home at 3am.

It was an awesomely fun time.

I can wait to do it again....

Maggie

What I learned last night

I don't know how this conversation even started. ITSam and I were talking and he was telling me something or asking me something but I got confused because of my apparent lack of knowledge. His story went by the way side when he learned he had to sort me out.

I didn't know I needed sorted.

Until last night I thought...

Well, I guess I was wrong...

My pop culture references short circuited somewhere.

Paul Hogan was the star of the movie Crocodile Dundee. This movie was a fake. Paul Hogan is an actor. And he's still alive. He isn't dead, and wasn't killed by a manatee. Also, he doesn't have a daughter who has her own TV show on the Animal Planet called To Catch a Predator. And The Rock is not the nickname of Vin Diesel. And Vince Vaughn was not in Walking Tall. That was Johnny Knoxville.

Okay so I thought Paul Hogan was in a movie about his life (Crocodile Dundee) and that he was the Crocodile Hunter. Paul Hogan was the actor in a movie that was not about the life of Steve Irwin who IS... well, WAS the Crocodile Hunter. And Steve Irwin is dead. He was stung to death by a manta ray. Not a manatee. They are two separate guys. And two separate ocean creatures.

And Steve Irwin has a daughter who does have her own TV show, about animals.

The TV show To Catch a Predator is about catching Internet child molesters. Steve Irwin's daughter has nothing to do with the child molesters.

Ummmmm, let's see.... what else?

Oh, I thought the Rock, who's real name is Dwayne Johnson, was Vin Diesel. Or, rather, I thought The Rock was a nickname for Vin Diesel. They are two different guys. And while I was trying to figure out which guy was in what movie, I thought that Vince Vaughn was the sidekick in Walking Tall. Uhhhh, nope.

I hate it when I'm an idiot.

All these years.... I was just confused. I was content in my ignorance.

The Rock was The Scorpion King and he was not Fast and Furious.

A manatee looks like the cow of the ocean.

And I laughed until I about peed myself.

I've no idea, either...
Maggie

This is a manatee and it didn't kill Steve Irwin (or Paul Hogan).

This is a manta ray and it DID kill Steve Irwin (not Paul Hogan).

This is Steve Irwin. He is the real life Crocodile Hunter and he is dead, killed by the manta ray (not the manatee). The movie Crocodile Dundee has NOTHING to do with him, at all, ever.

This is Paul Hogan, an actor, who is alive and was not killed by a manatee nor manta ray and has nothing to do with Steve Irwin. Paul starred in the movie Crocodile Dundee, which is NOT about the life of Steve Irwin.

This is Vin Diesel who is just Vin Diesel. He was in the Fast and the Furious. He was not a wrestler, a pro football player, and was not in Walking Tall, nor was he the scorpion king. And lots of Internet sites speculate that he's gay.

This is The Rock, aka Dwayne Johnson. He was a wrestler, and could've been a football player. He was in Walking Tall, and was he the scorpion king. No Internet speculation about his sexuality.

Does anyone other than me see I could at least get these two guys confused?

Johnny Knoxville who IS in Walking Tall

Vince Vaughn who is NOT in Walking Tall

Now that we have that all cleared up...

Not the sharpest tool in the shed

Now many of you may know this and if you do, you are much smarter and much better people than I am, obviously. If you didn't know this, then learn from my mistakes.

I used Mozilla as my web browser. I like it. Everyone has their own preferences and I just happened to like Mozilla. So several months ago, I decide to delete the Big Blue E from my computer. Yes my friends, I decided to delete Microsoft Explorer. I never used it and it was just sitting there taking up a huge amount of space. I thought I was freeing up space and making my life easier. I went through the whole "uninstall" thingy and even though it kept giving me a million warnings, I deleted that sucker anyway.

And for a few months everything was fine. Occasionally something wouldn't work or there was quirk or something odd but nothing that was really that bad. And I didn't really know WHY it was glitching. I thought it was just my computer or that I had a virus or something. Then I noticed that none of the add-ons I added would work. Then my MSN instant messenger program failed to work. And then the other day my computer auto set itself up to do something and I couldn't make it undo it.

So I went to ITSam and he started poking around and very nicely and calmly asked me where my Microsoft Explorer was. I casually said, "I deleted it because I use Mozilla." Dead silence. Utter and complete and total dead silence.

I can literally SEE the gears in his brain working. I can see his jaw moving and no sound. He got control and then very quietly (almost too quietly) and nicely said, "ummmm, honey, that does a little more than just act as a browser. You kinda need it for other stuff." I ask if that's why stuff has been going wrong and he says yes. Oh.

Then he starts poking around and muttering and looking and clicking... and he nicely and calmly tells me he's going to back up every single thing on my hard drive and will then have to restore the factory settings. And then he'll reinstall everything.

Oh. My. Goddess. And he wasn't kidding.

He nicely and calmly explained, without making fun or me or making me feel stupid, that while Microsoft Explorer is a browser it is also hard wired into the inner workings of my computer and to all the user systems. Or something like that. It was technical. I sort of glazed over but the big picture is that deleting it is bad and that Bill Gates somehow makes it necessary to have The Big Blue E on all computers whether you want it there or not, or your computer will slowly self destruct. That's what I got out of ITSam's explanation, anyway.

So I said to him, "Um, if you were just some random IT guy who wasn't dating me that I called on a customer service help line, and told you what I did, after you fixed it, you and all the other IT guys would get together and compare stories of the dumbest customers of the day. And when you got to tell about the lady who deleted her Microsoft Explorer, you would win dumbest customer award, wouldn't you?" He grinned and said "yes, but I love you anyway."

Damn blue E,
Maggie

The accuracy of fortune cookies

The other day XRay Girl and I went for Chinese food and of course we had the complimentary fortune cookie before we left.

Now, I read somewhere that the only way your cookie fortune would come true is if you actually ate a piece of the cookie. Has anyone else heard that part of the lore? Okay, so anyway, I usually never eat a piece of the cookie until I actually read the fortune just in case I got something dumb. I know that's silly but..... I just can't help it.

Since I was with XRay Girl and we were chatting away and I popped a piece in my mouth and then read my fortune, without even thinking. I had already swallowed or I would've spit that sucker right on the floor. My fortune was "Old Friend will come back to you." Now this doesn't SOUND like a bad thing, right? It could be good in a few ways, but to me, old friends resurfacing are never positive- that usually spells trouble. Because those "old friends" are usually of the male persuasion that I slept with. Any other old friends I might have aren't really people I want to see either, but the kicker of that, is usually they don't want to see me either! And there aren't many "old friends" that I don't stay in touch with already someway or another so....

Now if I try and put a positive spin on said cookie's prediction, it could be telling me that DNice is moving back to the Midwest from the Wild West, which is a hellva lot closer, like 2800 miles closer (which is totally awesome!). But I already KNEW this so it's not predicting any sort of fortune! A fortune cookie isn't called a "reinforce what you know" cookie!

Yes, I know this is a freaking fortune cookie, but hello??? Isn't that why we read them!? I do realize it's a good thing all Americans aren't like me with the whole worrying about the fortune cookie thing because then China could be taking over the country, one Asian Buffet at a time.

HERE'S THE THING!!! The very next day, which would be May 6, I get an email from... an old Sam. Damn it! This is a very sexy Sam (for those of you who knew me a long time ago, he was aka 'The Moor'). A very persuasive Sam. A Sam who, while we sort of dated briefly and we used each other more for bootie calls (notice I said each other) than anything else and I haven't heard from him since I was living in the Wild West, out of the clear blue I get an email from this particular Sam. And we shot emails back and forth and I made it clear I am not interested in sleeping with him, he still emails. He's the guy who takes that as a challenge and wants, now, to go out to dinner, dancing, to a movie. He's proposed lots of things, said he'll come to town or we can meet half way between where were live and "hang out" or I can come to his place for a BBQ and watch movies, just as old friends.

Now I've been celibate for over 420 days and I'm not ready to throw that away for just a bootie call. Even though he is hot..................

I knew we should've gone to Applebee's for dinner. Damn fortune cookies.

Love,
"Sister Mary Maggie Mae"

XRayGirl: Goddess of hair and manual transmission driving lessons

XRayGirl is a miracle worker on so many levels! First my hair...

I am now no longer officially afraid to leave the house for fear of scaring the elderly and children. She took me to her stylist who cleaned the mess up. She said NO WAY to getting a perm because then I would have nasty, ugly, tight, poodle like curls. She trimmed and snipped and well... frankly, I have no idea what she did but she had to trim a little bit and I suddenly was all fixed- AND I look like I have more hair. I have no idea about that trick of the eye but XRayGirl and I couldn't figure it out but we both agreed that I just seemed to have more hair.

She also snipped enough that I have a head full of natural curls and the stylist gave me some tips to use them. She also said, and I quote, "Now that you have a good base cut, don't get it cut anywhere else but me. I know you want to grow it out. Pigtails by the end of the summer." O-KAY! And while I'm a little old for pigtails, the fact it will be long enough to do that by the end of the summer makes me want to dance!

To top it all off, she fixed the straight cut bangs. Instead of taking any more length off, she textured them, and now they look wispy rather than heavy and blunt. The unibrow bangs are gone!

The stylist also said hair grows quicker in the summer than winter and if I want to help it along, I could take pre-natal vitamins or some vitamin called "hair, nails, something" taken three times a day. Sounds like a plan.

My hair is much better! No more mullet! No more Betty Page bangs! No more "lesbian chic"! No more winning the Joan Jett Look Alike contest! And I have a head full of curls. Interesting look. Not one I'm used too, not bad, but much better than where I started out my Thursday!

And as for me learning to drive a stick shift... Well, first and foremost, XRayGirl is an excellent teacher and she's one of the most patient people I've ever met. She gave good instructions and different suggestions. But I think I might have to admit that driving a manual transmission and doing math are not my strong suites.

Also, I learned that there's lots of swearing and laughter involved in learning to drive a stick shift. No matter how many times I killed it or made the gears grind, she never yelled or made me feel embarrassed; we just howled with laughter!

I popped the clutch. I had trouble finding first- it had to be there somewhere. I wasn't sure how to drive with two feet. I was pretty excited when I finally got the car to start and keep going without killing it. And once I could get going, I had no trouble going from 1st to 2nd to 3rd to 4th and 5th! I'm still a little confused on when to clutch and brake verses just clutching or just braking.

There was one incident where I was at a four way stop on a slight incline. I kept rolling backwards and for some reason I would make a funny face which gave us laughing convulsions. At another stop sign, I killed it about 8 times. 8 TIMES!!!! Before I figured out I was accidentally in third. In my defense it was right next to 1st! We never even went into reverse- that's for another lesson.

I guess when I concentrate the tip of my tongue sticks out the corner of my mouth, which add to the laughter.

So I had an hour lesson and we're going to try again over the weekend. She's brave. Maybe I'll never drive a sports car. Maybe I should stick to automatics or take a bus if no automatics are to be found. I could always walk. Or find a hot guy to drive me everywhere I want to go...

Maggie

For Stephanie Plum fans- plus, I might have an OCD

I was at Wally World last night and was doing some shopping and while I was perusing the junk food, I spied something special. So special, I squealed and jumped up and down chanting, "Oh My God Oh My God" while trying to dial my sister-in-law on my cell. There are 2 people (Hecate being the other but she was in class) in the entire history of the world that I knew I could call who would get this. And when Booknut answered the phone I practically screamed THE WORD: "TASTYKAKES!!!!!!!!!" It took about a nanosecond for her to scream back at me, "OMG TASTYKAKES!!!" Of course, I had to take a picture of the box and send it to her And for those of you who are crazy about Stephanie, here ya go!

And no, I didn't see Steph or Lulu lurking in the aisles, darn it! (And for those of you who have no idea what I'm talking about, I apologize because I try to never have an "inside joke" here unless it's among all my regular readers who are in on it but I couldn't help it this time, so just please keep reading!)

Whilst speaking of Wally World, I need to confess something. I'm the crazy Wally World lady. You know the one: I push my cart up and down the rows, muttering under my breath, trying to read signs, glaring at other shoppers to get the hell outta my way, clutching my list. I also find myself talking to myself as well. And when I talk to myself, I don't do it quietly. I find I talk out loud to the point where people look at me or think I'm "blue toothing". But I'm not. I'm just the crazy lady at Wally World.

Like last night, for example, I bought a package of soup mix and it was printed on the packaging "0 transfat" and I said, "Well, Auntie, how do you like that? I'm being healthy by accident. So there! HA!" and I chucked it in my cart. And other people were looking at me.

I also stood looking at a pastry display of fall treats asking "Where the hell is the pumpkin roll? Damn it, where IS it?" People clutched their small children to their breasts and fled the area, while a brave bakery worker asked me if I need help. I'm happy to report there was no little white jacked in her hands.

As I walked passed the Junior clothing department, I said, "Oh gee, look, the latest and greatest in slut wear for the 12 year old set." When I got to the body soap aisle, I bitched because I couldn't find it and when I did, I said, "What's aqua scent? Where's original? I NEED original! Shit!" People were staring!

I think the topper was when I was picking boxes of Puffs. I bought the kind with Aloe but not the kind with menthol in it "because I don't like menthol cigarettes so why would I want it in my tissues?" I proclaimed this loudly and clearly. People were trying to hide from me at this point, I think.

No, I'm not on medication but maybe I should be. I hate going to Wally World alone- this could be part of the reason. And I have no idea when it started, this talking aloud to myself on a regular basis. I seem to only do it when I'm in Wally World- no where else. Either living in a small town is getting to me or a huge corporate conglomeration is sucking the soul out of me each time I cross the threshold.

Oh well, now, at least, I'll have the TASTYKAKES!

Losing my sanity at Wal-Mart,
Maggie Mae

Why I quit ice cream

• I can make the same money in 3 days of subbing as I can working a whole week of scooping ice cream
• I'm gaining weight (not much, but enough)
• I have arthritis in my right hand and it's so bad right now I can't open my fingers wide nor make a fist, because of the pain and swollen knuckles
• My back hurts, my feet and ankles hurt, my right elbow always hurts and so does my right shoulder. this job gives me occasional cankles. I'm such a big baby!
• I will probably not fall asleep as soon as I get home from work each night, at around 6:30pm so I'll feel like crafting, watching new tv and reading and hanging with Mac.
  
• I miss teaching and subbing is better than nothing
• I will be able to actually attend a spinning class as I've wanted to do all summer long, and if that doesn't kill me, I'll be able to attend a zumba class. Hey, I do these things for blog fodder and for no other reason, my prettys!
  
• If I have a day where I don't get called, can go to my college Alma Mater town and see all the new adorable shops that have been opened, including a hands on artist studio! They also now have a grand coffee house, an organic bakery, 2 used books shops, a quilt shop, and a bunch of other little neat shops. I've been passed but haven't been able to go because they are always closed when I get off work and there's not time to go in the morning.
  
• I live anywhere from 3 minutes to 30 minutes from 9 high schools and 9 junior high/ middle schools= total of 18 schools. And I signed up to sub as EVERY SINGLE ONE OF THEM!
• Subbing looks better on my professional resume than scoop girl
• I hate standing on a hard concrete floor for 6.5-9 hours a day and since I'm the only one there, I have no breaks or relief. (Not that I ever did when the owner was there...)
  
• I hate coming home hot, sweaty and sticky and ruining clothes because chocolate DOES stain
• I miss wearing my dress up clothes
• I can read lots more books in a month when subbing than I can when ice cream coning
  
• My ice cream hours are going to be cut from 30 a week to 5 a week in January through March because, even though we're open all year around, that is "off season" for ice cream. And if I wait get on a sub list then, no one will call me because I'll be at the bottom of the 'seniority' pile.
• Working at the ice cream parlor was leaving me zero flexibility to interview
• There is going to be an English teacher going on maternity leave in January and she requested ME to finish her school year. I WANT to do this and the principal has casually mentioned it to me already so I need to be visible to him, and gain some sub points to be eligible.

So there ya go. That's all she wrote. My last day as a scoop girl is on Friday, Oct. 2.

Closing the ice creamy cone chapter,
Mags

Voodoo isn't always a bad thing, right?

The above is my voodoo doll. Okay, I bought it for my folks when I was in The Big Easy about 10 years ago and after my post last week, Daddy-O dug it out.

But here's the news that's fit to print. Think I should or should NOT use the Ol' Black Magic?

• Sperm Donor had emergency surgery and came out fine. He was in the hospital for 5 days and was in a lot of pain but is home now.
• Grandma Shrew is in the hospital as well with some sort of flu. She was there for a whole day and never called anyone because she couldn't remember any numbers, even though I live at the same number my mother (her daughter) had for 40 years. I'm just too terrible of a human being to call apparently. (Actually it's a good thing she didn't call. I don't want that sort of responsibility to her.) She would rather sit in the hospital without her family knowing than call me. COOL!
  
• Trooper has not told me to go away, though his gun shy-ness is shining through, but he's sweet about it. he's such a... trooper. *giggle* (Oh come on! That was a great pun!)
  
• ItalianSam sent me an email about a job that he has connections to so I might actually get an interview, at least. It's in Wisconsin somewhere... And it was a nice olive branch from him.
  
• The insurance office might have a full time opening and I might be considered- if I want to become an insurance sales person... That would involve commission and more schooling.
• The ice cream owner has to have some medical stuff done and wants me to run the day to day operations while this happens.
• I can't find a bottle of Johnny Walker Blue that I bought for AIISam last March at duty free. I've had it here in my room since the break up and was going to give it to Farrago as a birthday gift and now it's missing. And no I didn't drink it.
• I can't find my tv remote, either.
• When I told the bank about all the hoops I have to jump through for that stupid fucking Verizon Wireless to give me the overdraft fees back, they just credited my checking account and told me to not worry about it.
• I almost have free Indianapolis Colts tickets and am taking Trooper there on a date, if they come through. Now, am I the coolest could be girlfriend in history? (I think he might consider drastic measures if I scored Packers tickets... HAHA!)
  

So, it's a mish- mash of all sorts of blessings and curses.

Witchy woman,
Maggie

My totally immature moment

There are times when I try to act my age. I really do. For example, in the world of teen boys, if someone uses the word "bush" like "the rose bushes on the patio need trimmed" teen boys giggle and snort and say things like, "she said bush." tee-hee hee.

But I swear to the goddess I feel like a teenage boy at work when I have to make one thing.

We have frozen bananas dipped in chocolate fudge and then rolled in nuts. I swear when someone orders is, I can't help but smile and then feel completely embarrassed while I make it and then carry it to the counter, all the way across the shoppe. I blush to the roots of my hair when I make this phallic dessert for customers. I just can't help it. It's totally Freudian, I'm sure, but I just seems to get the giggles that I stifle. Totally immature, I know.

And if you never had a frozen banana on a stick dipped in chocolate, rolled in crushed nuts to eat like a Popsicle, well... it looks like an edible treat you might order from an Adam & Eve catalog...

And conversations between a couple who came in the store like the following do not help.

Woman: Honey, I have to use the restroom. Will you order for me?
Man: Sure. What do you want?
Woman: A frozen banana dipped in chocolate with nuts.
Man: Are you serious?
Woman: (looking all innocent) Yeah...?
Man: No fucking way am I ordering that or carrying it around.

Hey, I felt for him. I didn't want to make it about as much as he didn't want to order it. Men NEVER order frozen bananas on a stick. Probably also Freudian. Seriously.... think about that for a minute, will ya?

Oh yeah, she ended up having a banana split- what the hell was up with her and bananas?

Again, I know it's immature, but I guess it's just one of those things... Maybe because I spend so much time with teenagers? And I am the proud owner of a teenage boy son?

"She said 'banana'! tee-hee-hee!!!",
Mags

Where did the time go?

Do you ever go through a week and feel disoriented? Last week was one of those weeks for me. I have absolutely no idea where my time went. Mac hung out here with me most of the week, we made the roadie to Chicago so I know that killed two of my days, I worked a bunch of hours between the ice cream parlor and the insurance office but in between that stuff, I have no idea where my time went, other than job hunting, hunting, hunting which is depressing and TIME CONSUMING! I cooked, cleaned and did laundry. I am certainly no busier now than I was when I was teaching full time, grading, directing school plays and running the SAT workshops. Even when I was doing all that I still found time to work a part time job, read books, watched a movie here and there and read blogs every day. This last week, I couldn't find time to do anything but the aforementioned stuff.

I didn't have time to watch any movies or TV, I barely read a book this last week and I've hardly had any time to read blogs- I didn't even nap my week away! I even have an inbox full of email to answer. I LOVE reading blogs and I want to stay caught up with my 'peeps but this last week the time just got away from me. So to all, I haven't been ignoring you, I've just been... out of sorts I guess.

I'm hoping this week gives me a little more equilibrium. Today is shot- I work ice cream all day but the rest of my week should smooth out. I should have time to read some of the wonderful new books I checked out from the local library (it's like Christmas! I gave the library a list of recommendations of 10 titles, and five came in so I was the first to get them!!!) I think I can also get caught up on all my blog reading!!!! It seems like everyone posted in the last 2 days!

I feel like I should set up a schedule of my free time, around my work hours. I used to be the Queen of Organization, with sticky notes and planners and blocks of time allocated for everything, but of late, time seems to fly by. Seriously, I think it's only 3 in the afternoon but I look at the clock and it's 7 pm! I think I keep hoping some job is going to open up or I want to remain flexible for interviews, but alas- that is just a sucky option cuz it just. doesn't. happen.

Though if I think schedule-wise, my Tuesday is free other than a few hours in the evening for insurance. Wednesday is ruled out since that's a day with ItalianSam. Thursday is free other than 2 evening hours with insurance. Friday I work no where but Hecate is coming to MY HOUSE (whoot whoot exciting!) and we're going to make quilted hipster purses and chill out. So.... there's time in there to read blogs, answer email, do laundry, see Mac, read books, and send out more of the freakin' sucky applications/resumes, right?

So, this week I vow to get my act together, read blogs and books daily, and straighten my act out! It's bound to all be better soon, right? I committed to an audience that I would accomplish stuff, so now I must- you guys can keep me honest, okay? Sometimes I need a Jiminy Cricket!

Outta my head,
Mags

The Raspberry Post

I'm blowing huge raspberries to the following!!!!

• To Lily Pulitzer for not having plus sized clothes
• To people who are rotten to the core toward tele-marketers
• To a woman in Alaska who's married to my husband... hey, I'm just sayin'!
  
• To Verizon Wireless for their super sucky service and my Crackberry never working and they won't fix it. Does everyone else with this piece of shit device have to take the battery out and reset it 3 or 4 times a day to make it work?
• To my ex-husband the Sperm Donor Asshat- oh he hasn't done anything of late but I still hate him and don't want to miss an opportunity to point that out
  
• To the bitch who cut my hair. There's cute pixie then there's a Marine high and tight- and I am now going to have to wear a hat or a head scarf for the next 3 weeks- it's either look like a fat Marine or a cancer patient. I'm not making fun of cancer patient, swear to God, but that's what I look like in hats now.
• To AII Sam. I know, I haven't heard from him since it ended but I'm just pissy right now and wish I was in Europe, and I'm irritated about men.
• To Grey Goose for being so expensive because I really would like a bottle of it right now.
• To one of the wacko partners who is a part owner of the ice cream shoppe who came back to work and caused me to get my hours cut...
  

God Save the Queen, the Prodigal Tourist, and Me

I want to be British. I think I would be good at it. British or Irish-- I bet there some of really bad rule I violate saying I could be either...

I love the accent but I realize with my mealy-mouthed Midwestern add a little Wild West in there I could never copy it without sounding like Eliza Dolittle pre-Henry Higgins caught in a blender under water. However, I do so like the sound of it, the lilt of it. Unlike most American accents, I think a British accent sounds smart. I think potential employers would find me rather brilliant and throw jobs at me if I sounded British because us Americans are fascinated by the accent, and then I would no longer be scooping ice cream.

And I love the words- boot, brolly, constable, bloody, git, biscuit, crisps, cuppa, a pint, teley, the loo, lift.... that's charming and fun and downright adorable. Yeah, I know in England and Ireland that would just be normal, but to my ears it sounds right charming. I loved it when I was in Ireland and folks would use those words- like a cab driver said he would stow my bags in the boot.

Life would be all Mary Poppins and Love Actually and Notting Hill if I were British, right? Okay, I could never be a nanny because I don't like kids, and I'm afraid of heights so I know the flying around the streets of London by my brolly would be me sick. And I'm guessing chimney sweeps don't really sing and dance on the rooftops, but it is a lovely thought. And aren't all English gents just shy and charming and disarming in that "aw shucks" Huge Grant sort of way? Oh, maybe that means I wouldn't be single?!

And I think it's much classier to have a Prime Minister than a President. I LOVE President Obama but I think having a Prime Minister sounds very classy. And they had a woman running their country long before the states ("that saucy minx", as Grant called her in Love Actually, Prime Minister Margret Thatcher!) so it just proves the Brits are much more politically advanced. (Okay, though, do they still wear the white wigs in Parliament?) And they have a QUEEN! Oh she doesn't do much but look prissy but she has that queenly wave. Hey, they can have a modernized government AND a Queen- now, how cool is that? And we all know my feelings about Princess Di. I. adore.her. And England was her home- another plus.

High tea. I'm all about having tea and cookies and cakes and little sandwiches every day. I love food. I love tea. This is a perfectly fabulous idea and I have no idea why Americans have to be so bloody obstinate about tea time- I think we could let bygones be bygones about the whole tea tax and Boston Tea Party- after all, it's just tea under the bridge now, right? (Oh, and most certainly the pun was intended!) I think there is nothing wrong with a spot of tea and scones with clotted cream and jam- oh yum....

An aside- and whilst we speak of all things England and pause for tea- you must visit The Prodigal Tourist's blog. He's giving away tea for his birthday! And I want to wish him a HUGE happy Birthday, and I would sing you, PT, the Marylin Monroe version of "Happy Birthday" but that's not very British so as the Fab Four says "Today is your birthday...lalalalalala" !

And I want to say I love the shoes. Well, you know me and I love shoes everywhere, but I really love... shoes I can't get here but blogger Rose seems to find these stunning shoes that I covet! all the time. Either I love British shoes or I need Rose to come across the Pond and take me shoe shopping... but Rose is British as well, so I think I love British shoes. There is logic here; if you can't see it, have some more tea, or another pint- or hell, have a Cosmo!

Speaking of pints, I just love Bulmers Cider. It cannot be bought in the US of A, either. I love going into a pub (not a bar, which sounds so trashy) and ordering a pint of Bulmers. I hunted around and there is a beer by the name of Bulmers in the States, but it's a beer. The Bulmer's company makes a cider under a different name but since I live in a small section of the Midwest, I can't get it. So I should be British in Great Britain to satisfy and quench my thirst on a regular basis.

And there are castles everywhere all over England and Ireland. Every time you turn around there's another bloody castle. I think that is awesome! I so want a castle. The countryside is lush. I've been to Dublin and am in love with the large yet quaint city. I've never been to London (grrrrrrrrrr damn that AIISam, the bloody git!) but it looks like an amazing city, flaws and all. Hey they have London Bridge, the Tower of London, Westminster Abbey, Double Decker buses, red phone booths, and the country is the birthplace of the BEATLES and Princess Di. Duh- what a great place! Think of the art! The Thames! The cobblestones! Maybe I could become an English Duchess like Audry Hepburn and Elton John!!!!!!!

Okay, okay.... I know I can't be British, and I swear I'm not making fun- I do absolutely LOVE all those things about Great Britain. I love reading my Irish and Brit authors and finding things to love about these countries. I've always wanted to go. The history of the country is fascinating and I, like many Americans, have always wanted to go to England and have a romanticized notion. And my smart, educated, intellectual side KNOWS this, but today, it just seems like something lovely to fancy. Tomorrow I may wake up and want to be a southern belle, or a senorita living in isolation as a mystery gringra in a casa by the sea in Mexico, or the wife of an Irish- American policeman in Boston... I could be anything, tomorrow. Maybe I'm just having a melancholy day where I would like to be anyone but me, or maybe I'm ticked off because I was supposed to be in England this summer and now I am NOT, or maybe it just seems like it would be good to run away and start over and why not try somewhere completely different than what I'm used to, even though it didn't work last time?

Pip-pip, cheerio, God Save the Queen, and all that rot,
Maggie

How do I find out if he's 'available'?

Yesterday Daddy-O threatened to fix me up with the science teacher at school. Science Teacher is nice guy and a super cutie patootie- but he's 24 years old!!! He's adorable in that nerdy smart way, but he's 24 years old!!!!!! He's a GREAT teacher and the kids love him and I admire and respect him for his classroom approach, but he's 24 years old!!!! I love to talk with him because he is smart and animated and is witty, but he's 24 years old!!!!! He still lives with old college roommates, and he's 24 years old!!! Did I mention that he's 13 years younger than I am? really- I mean, I could be his sexy awesome aunt! And, theoretically, I could be his mother if I would've been a super slutty 13 year old girl and his father would've been a child molesting perv.

Daddy-O also threatened to try and set me up with a gym teacher too. This guy has a smokin' hot physique and is more my age but this guy has "athlete" written all over him. He looks like one giant muscle with a head. Yes, he always smiles at me in the hallway. Yes, he always speaks and says hello. BUT, in the real world, men who LOOK like him do not date women who look ME- he's build like a body builder and I'm build like a snowman. Yes, I realize I 'm in shape, ROUND is a shape, but he doesn't look that 'round' would be his favorite shape. I told Daddy-O I would fix him up with one of local "scary sisters" if he even said a word to the gym teacher. The humiliation that would be- the jock and the fat girl- suffering through a date for her dad, even if she has adorable shoes, great skin, cute freckles, an adorable Audrey haircut, and can carry on scintillating conversation. OMG- no thank you!

I keep telling him I'm just not interested right now, that I LIKE being alone and that I'm just not date-able. I mean, I'm really not. Even the guy who seems like the perfect match (AIISam) seems to not see it or does seem to see that flaw. I'm not a woman men like as a girlfriend. Other than married men- oh yes, ItalianSam, AlaskaSam, KJSam= they all think I'm just beautiful and great and blah blah blah but they all also have WIVES! And gay men since CowboySam and PoetSam now have "boyfriends" and yes I dated them YEARS ago but still... it's on the track record- I'm not girlfriend material except for married and gay men. I would say that being alone is a good option, eh?

But in the interest of self preservation, I'm thinking maybe I should find my own single man or Daddy-O will have me on a pity date with the gym teacher or feeling like a perv on a date with the science teacher. So other than these 2 men, I know one more single guy who has potential to be date-able. I think. He's the head librarian at the local public library. He seems nice and smart, the few times we've spoken. He seems kind, has a good smile, and isn't bad looking. We're about the same age. He seems to come out of his office to say hello when I'm there, or he seems to gravitate to the circulation desk to chat as I check out my books, even if he was making a beeline to his office and then just suddenly needs the copier... So, I know he's not married, and the word on the street is that he is straight. BUT-- that's where the word seems to stop.

No one knows much else about his social life because he's quiet, he works lots and he doesn't talk about his personal life at work. He's the only man in the building and he is the boss. His employees don't think he's dating and they are pretty sure he's not gay. So how do I find out if he's available? A good friend of mine works at the library and she's trying to find out but to no avail. (She also said it will provide her and the other library employees hours of entertainment if he and I should date because he's as quiet as I am energetic, but she says we do have stuff in common) I have no idea, other than to just ask him, which then takes away the art of subtlety, my element of surprise and removes all discretion- and can make me look like a complete dolt if he does have a 'significant other'.

An aside: I know this has nothing to do with anything, hence the term an 'aside.' But he has a weird name. It's an old family name, and rather snotty sounding, ending with him being the third. My ex husband, Sperm Donor Asshat the II, was a number name and since him I've ALWAYS stayed away from guys with a number after their name...

So, in an effort at not trying to sound like a junior high girl and failing miserably, how in the world do I find out if this guy has a girlfriend or not? No one seems to know!

And I'm not leaving him a note in his locker after school either,
Maggie

Bloody Hell- where are the oranges?

Ever since I went to Ireland, I've been craving Blood Oranges. I want to point out that has nothing to do with AIISam other than the fact that he turned me on to this delectable fruit. I have, for years, craved citrus all year long. And it's terrible in the winter time; I wake up in the middle of the night dying for a huge glass of OJ. I've been like this forever, so wanting citrus is nothing new-- but of late all I really, really, REALLY want are blood oranges.

For those of you who don't know, blood oranges are native to Italy, Spain, and Sicily. Many say that the orange gets its blood red coloring and ultra sweetness because of the volcanic soil they are grown in. Blood oranges may not sound very appealing, but they are a more sweet orange than others and their flesh may be a deep red color, giving it a sanguine macabre name, but a delicious taste. Blood oranges are so sweet, that often their rind is sweet and is best used when a recipe calls for orange zest.

There are three kinds of blood oranges, but they are all sweet and have red flesh- they just vary in juiciness, shape, and redness: the Moro, the Sanguinelli, and the Tarroco.

Since I've wanted blood oranges, each time I go in the supermarket or grocery store, I go on a hunt in the produce section to find the citrus that makes me want to commit murder. And store after store leaves me empty handed, though no carnage in my wake- yet!

I've Googled Blood Oranges and learned that a few varieties have made it to USA growth- in Florida, California, Texas, and New Mexico. But I haven't found them here in the Midwest to actually eat! Most grocers and clerks haven't even heard of such a fruit.

Over the holiday weekend, I went in an organic whole foods place and lo and behold- the produce manager heard of Blood Oranges. She also told me I missed their season- they are "in season" from October to march. DRAT! Double DRAT! She could offer me organic Blood Orange juice for $4.99 a pint. She said that unless they got an odd shipment of the bloody fruit from one of the southern states I was out of luck at her establishment until October.

At least I know they exist in the USA, or for that matter, exist at all and wasn't a figment of my bloody imagination, and a product of craving citrus and reading too many murder mysteries!

Daddy-O is heading to Texas next week (and will be gone most of the summer, I believe) and I told him if he found Blood Oranges, he better bring a dozen or so back in his carry on bag! Pluh-eeze!

Murderously yours,
Maggie

Karaoke Queen of the Chicago Scene (Chicago Part 2)

I wasn't really the Queen- I didn't rule this event or anything- I just like the alliteration in the title!

While in Chicago last weekend, Farrago took me to an event, the Chicago Karaoke Underground Party. There is a cool woman who hosts this event in her loft apartment. And what a loft is is- OMG! You know how we see these fab apartments on TV or in the movies in large cities and they are just to die for? And you know how magazines or native New Yorkers, LA-ers, and Chicagoans all say "oh that place would cost about $123k a month if rentable in real life"? Well, the loft owner, who I shall call the Diva of Darkness, has the loft like the lofts you see on TV and in the movies. OMG- it is the greatest apartment I have ever been inside in my life. I bow to her, I covet that space- I WANT that space, I would do dastardly deeds for that space, I would be part of heinous fuckery most foul for that space. And her decorating is to die for...

Okay, all that being said, Diva of Darkness opens her home to random strangers to come and sing karaoke. People sign up in advance, pay a fee and come to sing- and drink and eat- the fee covers the booze and noshes. She has a professional KJ- who is a HOTTIE with a sexy goatee/ beard goin' on- and she has a sound system which kicks ass. All in all, Diva of Darkness has a better set up than most clubs I've been to. It rocks, she rocks, the night rocked.

Now I haven't been to sing karaoke for about 3 years now, and usually when I do sing, I've always gone with Hecate and her family and buddies. They are awesome singers and I've always felt completely inadequate when I've performed. I drink a lot of booze and have few inhibitions, but...

So this was the first time I was singing in front of complete and total strangers. And you do hear the stories about karaoke singers who are booed off stage- which I was afraid would happen. Farrago assured me that these folks were nice and wouldn't boo me off the stage, even if I sucked. Because there was no stage.... Okay, no he told me these are super nice people, but I was still nervous.

I visited with some folks and scoped out the small crowd- which only turned about to be about a dozen voice strong. I had a few drinks and listened to a few people. I decided that there weren't any "ringers" in the audience and that the next American Idol or Grammy winners weren't lurking about, that maybe I could actually sing in front of these people. No one had hurdled tomatoes, used the giant hook or booed and hissed, so I turned in a song.

And when the KJ called my name, I thought my knees were going to give out, or that I was going to pee my pants. Then I sang. And everyone clapped. Then I sat down. And sweated. But it was fun and the people were kind!

The evening went uphill from there. Everyone sang and had a good time. Since the crowd was small it was a good time to sing songs I've always wanted to try but never had the guts. And some were good, and others weren't. I did a rendition of "All that Jazz" from Chicago, which I thought sounded pretty good- and Farrago made over my performance of such in his post- here (scroll to the "paratay at the belt way" part of his post- it was so long, he gave it chapter titles!)!

And Farrago tore. it. up on a Styx song- he totally kicked ass!

The cutie KJ sang some great Elton John... and there was a girl there who studied opera in college- and she did some amazing things with Sarah McClachlan songs. Oh wow. And there was a sweet guy who I'll call KaraokeSam with a great voice, who was very much the entertainer. Diva of Darkness likes her song bawdy. And there was a guy who was a dead ringer for Les Nessman (looks wise) on the TV show WKRP in Cincinnati- and while his singing might not be super duper (but not horrible) he was a good guy. Another woman crack me up with her song choice- the "Micky" parody called "Ricky"? And another time found her singing "Like A Virgin" with her legs up in the air... ummmm, I think she had quite a bit to drink...

It was a great time with good people, good food, and guess what?!? I was invited back! I can't wait to go- and next time, I might just bring Mac, my song bird, along. Diva of Darkness said it was okay, so that should be fun too!

Loved it! Oh, what a night!
Mags

(tomorrow is Part III- how I shocked Farrago twice, the men, the city, and Chinatown)

Musical memories and must own tunes

Music is a very powerful tool. It can set a mood, make us laugh or cry, or transport us back in time. I hear "Purple Rain" and I think of AlaskaSam back when we were in college. I hear BNL"Long Way Home" and I remember AIISam singing to me. "Josephine" by the Wallflowers make me think of the first night I spent with CowboySam. My list goes on and on. Music can intensify a mood. I have music I want to hear when I am sad or lonely; I have tunes I choose when I want to go for a walk or exercise. There are dance tunes that make me boogie or that make me want to just drive my car with the windows down- road trip music. There are certain artists I love and will always go back to even when times suck. For example, I always throw Billy Joel in when nothing else appeals to me, or when I need something.

I think every genre is worthwhile though I may not always like it or choose it. I don't like country and rap isn't always my favorite. I hate death metal. There are certain artists that I hate and will always change the channel, but hey, that's my right.

Couples almost always have "their song." I don't mean that song you hear that simply just reminds you of someone- I have that with my kid, my friends, my parents- but that special song that you pick together. It represents you as a couple somewhere and somehow at a point in time. Some couples have some cutesy story of how the song came about. It's that special song where you can play it to make each other smile. Or you request it at the club, school dance, or play it on the juke box so you can dance to it. Or call in to your favorite Friday night request and dedication DJ? Or you hear it randomly played on the radio and you have to call your partner and gush, "I just heard our song and thought of you!" You know, the song you play 317 times in a row after you get dumped and cry your eyes out?

Hey, I know I sound a bit tongue and cheek but I have had "our songs" with old Sams: "She’s gotta way" with my ex-husband; "Your kiss is on my list" with PoetSam; "Suddenly" with the boyfriend in high school that my parents HATED; "Heaven" with the guy I should have lost my virginity to; "Have I told you lately" with CanadianSam; "Can’t fight this feeling" with a boy in junior high who had a huge crush on me but I was really too shy to do anything about him but every time this song was played at a school dance from 7th grade through senior year we both abandoned out respective dates and danced to it together (I wonder what ever happened to him????). These were "our songs!" Now I can't remember how most of them got picked to be our couple song, but I still, for the most part, fondly remember the Sams (except for the Spermdonor and CanadianSam- no fondness there at all) attached with the song.

Music is powerful like this. We hear a song and it can just shoot us to a time or place or an event. The song can help make a time, person or event be burned into our brains forever. Music is a powerful catalyst in life. Music has helped defined generations- look at girl groups of the '50s, hippies in the 60s, 70s disco, and one hit wonders of the 80s along with the inception of rap tossed in to really create a musical nightmare, or emergence. Oh yeah, and hip hop of the 90s.

I love music that makes me just be-pop up and down. I love "1234" by the Plain White Tees, "Single Ladies" by Beyone, "Gotta be Somebody" by Nickelback, "I'm Yours" by Jason Mraz, and "I Kissed a girl" by Katy Perry- these songs make me dance and smile and laugh. They may not make my forever album list but they are songs that put a smile on my face and I can't help but turn the volume up and sing along, however off key I sound.

Often I wish we had a soundtrack for life- you know, just like in the movies. Wouldn't it be great if music would just play and swell to accommodate daily events? It sure would make life more interesting, and half the time I have an internal soundtrack going in my head all the time anyway. And Mac told me he wished some Pink Floyd song (I can't remember which one) would play as he walked into English class in slow motion, of course. (I have no idea.... he's 16 years old...) Though I guess the apple doesn't fall far from the tree because if I'm feelin' hawt and sexy and have to walk from point A to B and I know people (ie MEN) are watching me, my soundtrack stride song is "Smooth" by Rob Thomas/ Santana... go figure!

Hell, when most people don't know what to say so they say it with music. How many of us have given someone- a friend, a lover, a family member- a compilation album for a present? Maybe we've wanted to say we're sorry and can't so we play a song? Look at Hallmark cards! They've officially run out of limericks, poems and funnies because there is now a glut of musical cards on the market!

What would films be without music? The infamous "da dum da dum" right before the shark attack? Or the music to Halloween that just about stops the heart? The "I'm flying" scene from Titanic? These scenes wouldn't be nearly as powerful without music, if shown in utter silence. Movies need music- soundtracks... duh!

As I put together my music list that I think everyone should own to have a complete collection, I have been reminiscing about where it sends me- people, the past, the present, even smells are conjured up with some music. I certainly don't live in the past, but it has been a nice stroll down amnesia lane as I put this list together. This list, remember, is what I think EVERYONE should have in their collections to be complete- not just what I own. (I like Teddy Geiger's Underage Thinking album but he has a long way to go to hit my Hall of Fame. And I love The Killers, for some reason, but again, not feeling enough love to give them a place for forever perfection.) These are the albums, not just a song, but an entire album that I would love to fill an iPod with. Ohhhhhhhh, an aside, wouldn’t it be a great to get an iPod as a present and it was already filled with these albums???? OMG- that would be better than shoes, Cosmos, sex and office supplies!!!!! Okay, maybe not better than shoes...

Anyway, here's my list!

1. Joshua Tree by U2
2. Elvis
3. Sting
4. The Beatles: Abbey Road, The White Album and Sgt. Pepper's lonely Heartclub Band
5. Billy Joel's Great Hits Vol. I and II
6. Bon Jovi Slippery When Wet
7. Pink Floyd The Wall
8. AC/DC Back in Black
9. Led Zeppelin
10. Lynyrd Skynyrd Pronounced Leh-Nerd Skin-Nerd
    
11. Bob Dylan The Essential Bob Dylan
12. Bruce Springsteen Born in the USA
13. The Eagles The Very Best of
14. Jimi Hendrix Are you experienced?
15. Janis Joplin Pearl
16. The Who
17. Nirvna Nevermind
18. Dave Matthews Band
19. Eric Clapton Unplugged
20. The Grateful Dead Anthem of the Sun
21. Michael Jackson- Thriller
22. Aretha Franklin Gold and Aretha’s Best
23. Soundtrack from Footloose
24. Soundtrack from Top Gun
25. Carol King Tapestry
26. Berlioz Symphonie Fantastique
27. Vivaldi The Four Seasons
28. Green Day American Idiot (This has gotta be the BEST rock anthem album since Tommy)
29. Puccini La Boheme, Tosca, and Madame Butterfly
30. Van Morrison The Best of Van Morrison
31. The Doors The Very Best of the Doors
32. Soundtrack from the film PS I Love You
    
33. Joni Mitchell Hits
34. Frank Sinatra Sinatra Reprise The Very Good Years
35. Styx Greatest Hits
36. Journey Greatest Hits
37. Eminem The Marshall Mathers LP
38. Carly Simon Reflections
39. Soundtrack from the film Grease
40. Rod Stewart If We Fall in Love Tonight, Unplugged…and Seated, and The Great American Song Book Box Set

So, what are you favorite albums? What music can you just NOT live without? What would your ideal play list be? What gets your toes a'tappin'?

Sing along,
Maggie

"After silence, that which comes nearest to expressing the inexpressible is music" ~ A. Huxley

Full of piss and vinegar

I have decided to hate the world today because my grandmother is an evil and manipulative shrew. And because Sam is 6000 miles away and has to work for Attila the Hun, with no end in sight, so fuck all when I'll see him again... and because I can't find a job and I'm broke.