Single again

Single again is something I never, ever thought I'd be at age 41, staring at age 42. It sucks and I really, really hate it.

I do not want to date again. I don't Before the last Sam I went 471 days without dating. I was fine. Or I at least got myself to a place where I was tolerating my life. Then I met and and for the last 3 years it wasn't easy but I actually thought we had made progress and did well and I honestly thought we could get married. Buy a house. Take trips. Do married stuff. I didn't figure I'd been single again unless he dies first and I was a widow which is an entirely different sort of single.

The single I am now is yet another long-term monogamous relationship that failed.

I hate the idea of having to put myself out there and frankly I don't plan on it.

I said this before and everyone said the typical cliches about fish in the sea, someone for everyone, the right guy will come along, blah fricking blah. And the guy came along, he wasn't right and here I am three years later more hurt, broken, and cynical about love/ romance than I ever was before in my life.

Reality says I have bigger issues than being single but all those big things I was dealing with in a relationship seem worse because now I'm dealing alone. Damn it.

Why did he had to be an douche bag and just fuck it all up? (pardon my French but as Daddy-O says sometimes the f-word is the only one that will do). WHY????

Pissed, sad, angry, depressed, lonely, hurt, frustrated, scared, bitter-- all my emotions.

Several things suck other than what I've listed so far:
1- to date means I now have to worry about my appearance at all times. I look about how I did a few years ago but now I have to make sure to dress "right" and be funny, scintillating and all the crap that goes with dating. When I dated in my 20s and 30s, I made sure I was dressed in all the right clothes and even "dressed up" to go to the grocery. I can no longer wear yoga pants and a ball cap to the mall, if I want to be on the hunt for a guy.

2- when did wanting to be married become a bad thing? It's bad I know but who made it bad? Are we still blaming women's lib for this? I thought women's lib meant we could have it all- marriage, family and career. I know in the 90s being married was bad because it was all about the career. Is it still bad to want to be married? Great.

3- He's probably dating as I type this post here on Friday night at 11pm. One thing I "admire" about this Sam is that he believes in love. He does. He might be a prick but he's will to keep dating and dating until he finds the right one. He believes there are more fish in the sea and he'll keep looking for the big kahuna. I think it's brave of him to keep trying. I don't want to try. (It's obviously waaaaaaaaaaaaaaay to soon for either of us to date but I bet he is. I don't know it for a fact or anything but he's the get back on the horse/ bike/ woman sorta guy). I don't WANT to date because I think true love and all that nonsense is just that: nonsense. I'm also slightly jealous he CAN just decide to start dating again. (And super hurt. Trust me on this, I KNOW he's trying to start dating. I was with him for 3 yrs. I do know something things.)

All in all, this sucks.
Mags

And the reason for being mean is???????

I'm still yammering about the relationship shit. That officially what I'm calling it.

What I don't understand is why are people mean to each other to an extreme in a fight? Or when a relationship is ending?  Say there's no one having an affair, and no one is physically/ mentally/ emotionally/ verbally abusing each other. No one is committing crimes.

Say, in the relationship someone is hurt, or one person just doesn't to be in the relationship any more. Maybe they grew apart or fallen out of love or don't share the same goals and dreams. Maybe it just ISN'T WORKING. There are no kids involved, no property to divide, or assets to split, no living together, no joint purchases.

These are 2 people who love(d) each other so why are people so mean. Why is there yelling or name calling? Why is there a fight?

Seriously, if these 2 people loved each other once. If you love them and want to best for them then why hurt each other? And though one person may not WANT it to be over, if you love the other then wouldn't you want them to be happy? And if being out of the relationship makes them happy, then let them go without an ugly scene.

Maybe everyone can't be friends later. Who cares? There's no reason for mean and ugliness. Just let it be over. Move on. My guess both parties are hurting. My guess ending it isn't easy for anyone. Make it easy. If people love each other why hurt each other? Why make each other miserable? Why not have some mutual respect for decisions that are being made even if they're not what everyone wants?!?

And this is why I'm dreading this whole relationship ending debacle.

Maggie

Why can't good stuff all happen at once?

Sometimes life is just going to suck. That's all there is to it. I wish, just for once, I could get all the good things happening at once. I can get all bad stuff coming down on me at one time but I can't seem to manage all the good things simultaneously.

I'm losing weight right now- that's a good thing.

I like work- that's a good thing.

I have some money in my savings account- a good thing.

Mac is an asshole- bad. And there's nothing I can do to fix it- also bad. And it's going to probably result in him getting kicked out of the house- REALLY bad.

Still a poor paying job with no insurance- bad

A bone spur that will need an operation to be removed- bad

And the guy I was dating and I are no longer dating (he doesn't like the long distance thing, wants me to move there NOW and decided he wants to date other people)- also a bad thing. And a sad thing.

Sometimes Tuesdays suck

Mags

My life as the sequel to the Scott Pilgrim movie

Mac thinks it would be great if my life could be like the Scott Pilgrim movie. In the movie, Scott Pilgrim meets the girl of his dreams, Ramona Flowers, and to be with her he has to defeat all her evil ex-boyfriends. This is now one of Mac's favorite movies; he even got it for Christmas on Blu-Ray. He thinks it would be cool if I met my soul mate who then had to battle and kill all my evil ex-boyfriends.

He said all my exes are fat so they don't need physical prowess--- well, the Gay Cowboy was skinny but the rest are on the heavier side.

The Soul Mate has certain challenges per ex-BF, according to Mac:

• The Canadian is Canadian so there's the challenge right there
• ITSam would try to sue the Soul Mate and probably stalk me for the rest of my life so the battle would be to kill him without leaving a paper trail
• The Gay Cowboy (a guy I dated when I lived in the Wild West) is tricky because he was a cowboy, a construction worker, a fireman and, it turned out, gay. Soul Mate must call out the Village People for help. And Soul Mate must win because if he loses there will sodomy. Lots and lots of sodomy. Yuck!
• The former BF who was alcoholic-druggie-unemployed-poet... well, he's all cleaned up and Mac thinks he shouldn't be offed any more so he can just be a friend of Soul Mate...
  
• Sperm Donor is the most evil of all. He thinks that blogging, according to Mac, is for whining liberals who control the media so he wouldn't even know about Soul Mate to begin with since he's a closed minded, small minded, Republican. Unless, that is, my blog shows up on the FOX News Website, which he only watched to criticize

What I find to be the funniest of Mac's diatribe is that he thinks I'll find a Soul Mate!

Mac's mom,

Maggie

Random Sunday thoughts

I've been dreaming of buying new clothes. I even think I finally have achieved a professional look I want to carry on. So now, if I could get some money I'd go shopping. I love trousers and with heels, and blouses with cardigans and either necklaces or scarves.

Mac wants to see Arthur. I hated the first one and just do not like Russel Brand. Has anyone seen it and thinks it's worth taking him to see?

I discovered that if I open my blogger dashboard using Microsoft Explorer as my browser and I write and publish a blog post, there are no spaces where I hit the enter key to signify paragraphs. It makes the post one huge, giant paragraph. Another reason I hate Explorer.

I had a fight with ITSam yesterday- long story- and am considering ending this romance. XRayGIrl said if we were married would it be worth divorcing over and it just might. Anyway, when I get up this morning my computer and my wireless won't work. Is that a sign? I hate signs.

And then Mac came downstairs and before I could even open my mouth to ask him if he knew how to fix the computer, he held up one finger and said, "Mom, hold that thought. I'll fix it after I pee" and he did. Ha- to hell with signs!

I have a headache in the same spot, over and over again. I either have a tumor, lots of stress or need new glasses. The last time I had new glasses was in summer 2008. Might be about time to have the specs checked, eh?

Because we have summer school, I actually don't have the entire summer off like most people who work in education. I do, however, get three weeks to take at my choosing. If I am wise, I can use 13 of those days, the 4th of July holiday, and 8 hours of comp. time and be off from July 1- 24 which will feel pretty good to me. I'm saving 2 of those days to take Mac to college on Aug. 19-20.

I'm not sure I even want to get dressed and leave the house today. I have a good book and I need to do laundry. I want to make some cards with Daddy-O. I have food laid out for dinner. I'm thinking I might just be a worthless layabout for the day.

Speaking of card making, ever since I did the workshop at lunch with the kids at school, I've been making cards at home with Daddy-O. It's tons of fun. I really like it. There's even a card making workshop I want to go to in Northern Civilization. (SisIL you'll be hearing from me on this!)

And finally, please pray for me, send me good luck, go a dance, chant, rub Buddha, whatever you do because I applied for a job at the local prison. One of the Universities in my state has a program so inmates can earn college degrees. They actually staff an office at the prison and it has an opening. The administrative assistant there fills the role of secretary, registrar, financial aid liaison, and admissions reps. While you all know I LOVE working at the library, I need a full time job. With health benefits. I need MONEY. I'm hoping that with my brother's connection (he knows this guy because my Bro works at the prison and Bro told me about the job) and my ability to usually interview well., I'll be made an offer. Please please please.

That's it for the Sunday ramblings.
Maggie

Confession time

Okay, so I hate to admit it but I'm going to... I'm a bit messed about over this whole "break up with ITSam" thing.

It's not that I want him back and it's not "if I can't have him no one can" thing either- certainly not that. And I know I was going to probably break it off myself, before he beat me to the punch.

I think it's a few things. One, I went from seeing him every single day to nothing. That's weird. It would be a bit normal to feel a little lonely after all that togetherness, right? Even though at the time I felt a bit smothered it's been almost two week and I still think if we had slowed down I would've been okay. So I think I just miss him because he was a habit, I think. And most of the time I did like spending time with him and having someone to go out with of the opposite sex, to be treated nicely. That was good.

The other thing that has me bummed is that since he's on a dating site and I would assume he's communicating/ dating/ hell, he's probably married to someone by now. What that means is that I wasn't anything special to him at all. I was just a person who gave him attention, that he could tolerate, that filled a void. As Mac said, in summary, was that Sam's drug of choice was not being alone so he would desperately try and hook up with someone. He said, in essence, Sam's addiction was women, but not for sex, but to save him from himself, from being alone. Damn, I have a smart kid. So all that talk of marriage and love and being his one and only was really just that... talk. I wasn't special or the love of his life.

It's just that... it was nice to "feel" that way or to think I was like that.

Everyone kept telling me he was "nice". That was the word used over and over again. And he is nice, but messed up, too. It still doesn't make me feel any better. This proves that nice guys still suck and that I'm just... not worth it. I don't know what I'm trying to say.

I just feel bad about it all.

Maybe it's messing with me that I will probably see him at work tomorrow. I figure he'll try to talk to me, and I'm going to flat out call him on the dating site thing, or he'll ignore me, or worse... he have his new "girlfriend/ date/ fiancee/ wife/whatever she is" pick him up and I'll get to see that, which would suck. Maybe I should warn her. Maybe he'll be mature and just ignore me and not even come that direction. Could I get that lucky?

Maybe it's because the jeweler called and left a voice mail for me (on Thursday afternoon) that my engagement ring was ready to be picked up.

I know that when it comes right down to it, it doesn't matter, he won't change, I'm probably lucky this ended, and I'll be fine going back to being alone again. But right now it doesn't feel fine.

Maggie

Dodged a bullet?

So ITSam and I have been splitsville for a week and a day now.

Over the course of the last week, he's called and text me (misspelled words and poor grammar in said texts, which drives the English teacher in me nuts!!) over and over and over again. Oh yes, and don't forget the emails (did I mention the misspelled words and poor grammar in said texts, which drives the English teacher in me nuts!!). He professes his undying love for me- over and over and over again. He tells me he loves me, he wants to get back together, he begs, he cries, he waxes poetic about how great we were together, how it was a mistake to end it, blah, freakin', blah. I spend my time trying to not respond to any of it. And I have three email addresses so that's tough! (I thought about posting some of his texts and emails here and hosting an audience participation game. You could all respond for me and the best response gets a prize..... too much meanness from me to do that?)

I have spoken with him once. And that was when he was sobbing and blubbering and begging me to take him back- last Wednesday night. he made it all of two days. The creepy part was when I said no and was ready to hang up and he used a nasty voice- from tearful to evil in 1.2 seconds.

I also got a few nasty (mean) texts from him but I was nasty back.

It was pretty quiet over the weekend. He didn't contact me at all, minus one "miss you" text to which I didn't respond.

Here's the funny part: he's been telling me he loves me and wanting to get back together, reminding me he loved me so much he wants to marry me, BUT I found out that he's registered on an online dating site and has been active on it daily!!!!

Can you feel the love?

I read his ad and it's fairly accurate. I could add something things to the list though, but I bet it wouldn't garner him dates if ladies read: "has erectile dysfunction, been evicted more times than I can count on my fingers and toes, was arrested once for stalking ex-wife, son probably belongs to another man, I lie often, and am so desperate for a relationship that I just dumped my 'almost fiancee' 8 days ago but am on a dating site now. " (I could add lots more to this list but... I won't do that here. I think I'm being publicly mean, just enough. More would amount to me being a first rate "bitch") He went from get married to a dating site in less than 8 days. Wow.

Now I know why I haven't heard from him: he's got all his online dating emails and women to chat with instead of me. I hear you all sighing in relief.

When I said I felt he was a man who was so desperate to be loved and to be in a relationship that he would "love" anyone, I think I was right. I told XRayGirl this the day after he said "I love you" the first time and she thought I was being cynical. When I told her about the emails/ texts/ calls and then this dating site thing, she admitted she thought I was right. She also said, "You dodged a bullet." Ain't that the truth.

The one thing that has me just a little freaked out is that when I told my Photographer Friend she said I should make sure I'm safe. She "stalker" thing has her bothered and she said she "got a weird vibe" about him regarding that. His office at Alcatraz is in the same building I close at night when I do my night receptionist work. She's worried about me being there at night in case he would be. Now that seed is planted in my brain and I'm now the aforementioned a little freaked out. I honestly don' think he'd do anything to me, but I guess that what Ted Bundy's girlfriends thought. I'm not sure if she planted a seed that worries me or if I should legitimately be worried. I also work this coming Friday night.

And this is why I don't date. Some of it really has me sad, sort of; maybe disappointed. At one time I thought I would like to be friends with him, but that cannot obviously happen now. And it really is a bummer to know he didn't really love me- who knows if he really liked me even?- that he only needed (wanted?) a warm human to hold, regardless. I wasn't special, I was just there.

By the way, if he DOES call me and profess his undying love again, I plan on asking him how he can love me and want to marry me AND be on a dating site. Unless you give me some clever ideas of things I should say instead...

In the long run, regardless, I'm glad it's over,
Maggie

PS- geez, I just re-read this post and I see I gave you all sorts of homework assignments in here... (or you can see I asked for all sorts of advice...)

The story of the annual date

I had my annual date. I call it an annual date because in 2009 I had a date in January, saw the guy for 2.5 weeks in March and that was it as far as dates went for the entire year (okay I had some super sweet phone dates, but at this point, with the dating drought I'm in, I'm counting traditional dates only!). I've decided it was setting a precedent so I've had my annual date for 2010 and got that out of the way. And there won't be another at this rate.

The story as to how the date came along is a long one so I won't bore you with the details, even though some of you know them. This was not someone I knew before, not an ex, not a platonic friend becoming something else, but a stranger that seemed nice and, in the end, asked me to dinner. But I went with this Sam to Applebees for dinner on Friday night. It was... nice. That's it. No zing, no fireworks, no butterflies or toe curling. He was nice.

I couldn't keep the conversational ball rolling and he wasn't one for talking lots. There were long pregnant pauses that were uncomfortable for me since he would just sit and stare at me.

I want to say that he's nice. He was nice. So because he's nice and I'm who I am, I sound like a bitch but certainly don't mean to be at all.

I wanted to be engaged in witty repartee, a rousing intellectual discussion, or be dazzled with a charismatic sense of humor. And that's three strikes. He wasn't very funny but he tried to be. He wasn't dumb but we didn't connect intellectually. And that conversational ball was hard to keep moving, as I said. We had next to nothing in common at all.

I also learned from a few good sources that he, at age 31, had never been on a date in his life until he went out with me on Friday night. That's a little... strange.

Did I mention he tried really really really hard? I even thought I would go out with him again if he asked but I wasn't sure what we could talk about at all. That's how hard this was. But since he was so nice I didn't want to be so mean so I thought I would give it one more shot.

I have to say I've had better times with Mac, with XRayGirl, with Lilith, with Curley, with Daddy-O, tutoring Kool, with my blog friends online... you know what I mean? I've certainly had better dates (as I wrote about earlier last week), and I've had worse for sure, but this was just... there. I actually had more fun talking to the guy who was taking my order when I called Pizza Hut the other night! (In all seriousness he could be a potential date since he's single...! Ah, but alas, I had my annual date already.)

And things took a turn for the weird yesterday afternoon. This Sam from the Applebees date Friday night called me but didn't leave a message. He texted me later. And since I don't like texting because I can't multi-task I called him back while I was running errands. After exchanging pleasantries, I said I was returning his call. He said his 6- year-old niece wanted to talk to me. I asked what she wanted. (Does anyone other than Xray Girl and me think this is weird???) He said she wanted to tell me she didn't want her Uncle Sammy to have a girlfriend and I should go away.

Insert screeching brake sound here!!!

WTF?!? I laughed an awkward laugh and then he went on to say that he thought it was time for me to meet his mother.

Insert me running, screaming from the room, and a screeching brake sound here!!!

I decided then and there I was not going to meet his mother and that the niece was right, uncle Sammy didn't need a girlfriend, or if he did it was NOT going to be this girl at all. YIKES! I managed to get off the phone and then took several calming breaths and laughed my ass off at my weird luck with men and how much they are all freaking crazy.

Tomorrow I am going to call him, or wait for him to call me, and then I'm going to be nice, but honest. I'm going to tell him I enjoyed my time on Friday night but after thinking over the weekend, I'm not interested. It's me, not you. Thank you for the attention, good luck in your future, and have a nice life. I might even use those exact words.

Actually, speaking of words, I was telling XRayGirl about this. I said I should tell him that I swim in the big dating pool with grown up boys; I don't stand on the edge of the wading pool wearing floaties. She said I could use that analogy if I wanted but he wouldn't get it and would think I was asking him on a swimming date to the local Y, and he would borrow his niece's floaties... too funny!

So, there's the story of my annual date! I'll let you know how the "leave me alone" phone call goes. Wait, would it be tacky to do it via text?

Stayin' Single,
Maggie Mae

21st century (communication) breakdown

I'm not so sure that all this technology is really good for people, relationships and people skills. I'm not even sure it's good for improving communication. Other than the obvious that people are Internet dating and having cyber sex with strangers (I have no idea the fascination over this) but people carry on affairs all the time because of technology. Someone said the other day that a person who would cheat on their spouse using technology would've cheated on their spouse without it, but I'm not so sure about that. And all the ways people say stuff to each other via email and Facebook without thinking or filtering? Okay, okay okay...But this isn't my point.

You remember that episode of Sex and the City where Carrie was dumped via a post-it note, by Berger the author who was jealous of her successful writing career because he wrote a crappy book because all the NYC women were wearing scrunchies?? That wasn't technology, of course (though I still think post-its are a much better invention that Twitter) just bad taste. But technology has allowed these "post it note" type of break ups occur. People can get dumped through the phone, cell phone, Facebook, text message, email, Twitter, voice mail, blog... it seems the choices to get dumped are endless. (I think there was some movie out that made this observation before me, but it's a valid point.) And since I'm single and unattached, why might I be dwelling harping on this?

Well, the other day, it seems that Trooper and I were just shooting text messages back and forth that were at first flirty and funny and then somehow turned very serious. And we ended up having a 'serious relationship' text conversation. I typed at one point that this would be better suited to at least the phone, to which he didn't respond (such a guy thing to do, duh!). But in essence, through TEXT MESSAGES, he made it pretty clear that friendship is good, sex would be good, yet serious relationships would be scary. He said he doesn't think he wants to seriously date anyone. Blah, blah, blah. He and I could be "friends with benefits." To which I said I didn't think so since I was too old for that, been there/ don't that/ bought the t-shirt, I liked him for more than that, and if I wanted 'friends with bennies' I could do IT closer to my house. He said he was sorry, blah blah blah. I told him that in most cases people DATED first, and then decided to step it up and at some point it became a SERIOUS RELATIONSHIP; it just didn't start at serious.

And did I mention all this happened in TEXT MESSAGES?????

What the hell has my life dissolved to? Oh well, I guess I have lots more to say on this topic, here on a technologically powered online diary, but you got the gist enough to see where I'm coming from, so why write more?

I can't decide if I'm more upset over the conversational content or the fact that is happened via text? Uck!

I wash my hands and feet of it all!

Pass the Cosmos, open the shoe store doors and get outta my way,
Maggie

(And thanks to Greenday for the title...!)

Friends with potential

For a few folks who've been inquiring about the status of "Trooper & Maggie" the status is: friends with potential. That's it.

He's still trying to get healed from his back surgery and it's not going as well as he was hoping. He's still trying to catch up on all his 30 days of back logged work as well as staying on top of the new work that comes along. He's still taking care of his kids (he has them half of the week or more) and helping his father farm- and it's harvest time for those of you who aren't in the "know" with farm life. And his area just got some snow, which can making farming and his job a bit of a nightmare. Gee- is that all?

He's still trying to figure out if he wants to make time in his life to date, and such. And when he'll be able to make time. Hmmmmm, when in writing, it sounds pretty bad. But we've made tentative plans to see each other sometime in November, before Thanksgiving; that's the extent of the plan.

But he and I talk and text a few times a week and all is well. We're still friends and might become more or we might just stay friends. So... that's it for the love and dating life of Maggie Mae.

Batting zero,
Mags

Some people are just mean!

Yesterday was not my best day. At all. I hated work, my heart hurts, my depressed and sad and just a whole host of other things went wrong yesterday, in my little area of the world. This little incident was just part of the crap that hit me yesterday.

I have a Harvard t-shirt. I like to wear it. I think I've mentioned this before. To me it's no different than someone wearing a shirt that has a Fighting Illini logo or the Patriots logo- I don't assume that the person went to that school or plays for the NFL. It's just a damn t-shirt.

Yesterday a woman came in for ice cream, as wont to happen when you run an ice cream parlor. I was working. I was not in a good mood. I was not wanting to deal with humans; rather, I wanted to be in bed, watching sappy movies and feeling sorry for myself, but NO, I was working. With the public.

So this broad comes in and orders. I dip. I give her the cone. She asks the price. We have one register working and it was in use by another employee. Rather than wait to give her the price, I guessed. This state has wonky taxes and off the top of my head I thought the total was $2.42 and I told her. She gave me $2.50. When I rang it up, in reality it was $2.46. I apologized for my math error and said I "don't do math so late in the day" and laughed. She said she couldn't believe a Harvard student couldn't do math. I said in a light tone (and tried to NOT convey my irritation), "Oh well, I always say English majors don't do math." She told me she was an English major and then gave me a hard stare and asked me if I attended Harvard. I said nope and her response was, "Obviously not."

What nerve! I am not a stupid woman and I am sick and tired of people treating me as such.

I hate this job. I really really really hate this job.

Maggie

Suck-tacular

That "word" describes my week" suck-tacular. This seems to be the week from hell.

Verizon Wireless made a mistake on my cell phone and double dipped a payment from my checking account. And while the error was all theirs, they're refusing to give me my 80 bucks back because it's so close to the day a payment is due. What they don't realize is that I used my checking account before I learned of the error and now have insufficient fund charges to the tune of $28 each and NO MONEY. I'm soooo pissed. I've been on the phone with them and my bank daily trying to fix it. They suck and I hate them. I hate them so much I'm waiting until I finally get this mess sorted out, then I'm canceling my service, reporting them to the Better Business Bureau and writing letters to every person at Verizon Wireless chastising them for their suck-tacular business practices. I swear if I HAD money I would take out full page ads in newspapers across the country, raking them over the coals. They SUCK.

I still have no regular full time job so I also have no insurance. And it's time for my annual physical. And the annual renewal of the birth control prescription. Which sucks.

I've also worked an ass load of hours with all my jobs and I'm tired. Bone tired. Dog tired. Which is making me a real bitch. Which sucks.

I'd like to see Trooper and see where this goes but because of his surgery, that's on hiatus. Furthermore, he's so nervous about dating because of how hard and bad he was burned in previous relationships, he's now thinking this maybe isn't a good idea because he doesn't want to ruin our friendship. He's also afraid of getting hurt again- and while I can say I won't hurt him because I've waited so long to make sure this was a right thing to do, it doesn't matter when he's scared. And do I dare tell him I've wanted him for a long time but thought he would reject me? Oh hell. And there's nothing I can do about it. Which all sucks.

Mac's sperm donor stupidmutherfuckingasshat of a father has not taken him out to drive a single time. Not once. That kid was beyond excited about getting his permit and could NOT wait to show that stupid fucker he calls a dad his permit and to show him his driving skills. SD merely said, "cool." And hasn't taken him out to practice a single minute. Which sucks.

Things will start looking up, I'm sure.

Living suck-tacularly,
Maggie

What a girl feels -vs- what a girl wants...

Ack!!! This is what happens when I watch too many movies after drinking too much wine after working on the World's Largest Rummage sale shit all day long after getting all hot and sweaty... And because my feet hurt. Okay, so that has nothing to do with anything, but they do hurt...

FEELS:

"For me it's better I don't romanticize things as much anymore. I was suffering so much all the time. I still have lots of dreams, but they're not in regard to my love life. It doesn't make me sad, it's just the way it is... I can't deal with the day to day life of a relationship. Yeah, [he and I] have, you know, this exciting time together and then he leaves and I miss him, but at least I'm not dying inside... Even being alone it's better than sitting next to a lover and feeling lonely. It's not so easy for me to be a romantic. You start off that way, and, after you've been screwed over a few times, you, you forget about all your delusional ideas, and you just take what comes into your life. God, I'm sorry, is it, is it really that bad? It's not, right?...

"[He] reminded me how... genuinely romantic I was, how I had so much hope in things and now it's like I don't believe in anything that relates to love, I don't feel things for people anymore. In a way, I put all my romanticism into that one [man] and I was never able to feel all this again. Like somehow this [man] took things away from me and I expressed them to [him] and [he] took them! It made me feel cold, like love wasn't for me!... You know, I guess I've been heart broken too many times. And then recovered. So now, you know, from the start, I make no effort." ~ Celine, Before Sunset

WANTS:
I want a man who wants to kiss me, who thinks about kissing me while he's at work and when he finally does get to kiss me, he's smiling when he pulls away from me. I want a man who can make me laugh, who will spoon me at night and wake in the middle of it to make love. I want a man who doesn't care that I like to wear a sleep mask to bed at night that looks like Holly Golighty's or that's pink silk with the word 'princess' in black sequins or one that's pink foam. I want a man who thinks my quirks are cute and charming. I want a man who's happy to see me or smiles when I walk into a room. I want a man who doesn't fuss that I want to eat a piece of chocolate before I go to sleep while lying in bed, or who will indulge my silly whims. I want a man who thinks I'm sexy and playful and will play board games with me. I want a man who hates country music, and loves to sing karaoke, a man who isn't afraid to be silly and will fly by the seat of his pants like me. I want a man who will simply hand me a tissue when he walks into the room and finds me sobbing over an old movie I've watched hundreds of times, who won't say a word about my shoe obsession, and who will discuss/ debate politics with me, who likes to read and wants to help me fix dinner and then sit down together to eat it and laugh and talk. I want him to watch Breakfast at Tiffany's with me and be willing to HAVE breakfast at Tiffany's with me- and "get" the point and who understands that I also get the mean reads like Holly. I want a man who would spend a rainy day in bed with me talking and having sex and napping the whole time, even maybe missing work to do this. I want a man who understands the importance of reading the Sunday NY Times in bed over bagels and coffee while listening to NPR. I want a man who understands the importance of reading the Washington Post even though I live in the Midwest. I want a man who won't make fun that I like the change the bed sheets twice a week or who will go with me to Hobby Lobby and not complain. I want a man who I can make laugh. I want him to place his hand on the small of my back to lead me through a door or to hold my hand when we go to the movies or go for a walk. I want him to like spending hours and hours in old bookstores and drinking Starbucks coffee and is willing to eat lots of butter on a big tub of popcorn and who's willing to see a movie every week and not complain of the abhorrent prices, and who would just love me." ~ Maggie

Heartbreak isn't just a Hotel

Too much distance and with the question of when we're going to see each other is just hanging there all the time, Sam thought it should just be over now. He said I'm beautiful and wonderful and deserve someone who can give me his time and life, he loves me so much, he's not ready to leave Ireland, he isn't sure having me live there for the summer would make sense since his job got re-organized and he'll only be home something like 11 days in the next 2 months, and I can't travel with him so he would only see me on those 11 days and I would spend the rest of the time in his flat all by myself. There is no one else. His company CEO told him to marry his job or he WOULD be fired. Sam still wants to be friends (editorial comment: nofuckingway). If I could find a job in Dublin, Sam would never have ended it because we would be living in the same city and it would make things easier. He feels like he still had things he needs to do and since his personal time is limited he wants to be able to do what he wants rather than stay at home on the phone with me. Sam said the distance makes us too hard.

Whatever. Fuck it.

blah, blah, blah, blah........

blah, blah, blah, blah........

Down at the end of a lonely street,
Mags