Single again

Single again is something I never, ever thought I'd be at age 41, staring at age 42. It sucks and I really, really hate it.

I do not want to date again. I don't Before the last Sam I went 471 days without dating. I was fine. Or I at least got myself to a place where I was tolerating my life. Then I met and and for the last 3 years it wasn't easy but I actually thought we had made progress and did well and I honestly thought we could get married. Buy a house. Take trips. Do married stuff. I didn't figure I'd been single again unless he dies first and I was a widow which is an entirely different sort of single.

The single I am now is yet another long-term monogamous relationship that failed.

I hate the idea of having to put myself out there and frankly I don't plan on it.

I said this before and everyone said the typical cliches about fish in the sea, someone for everyone, the right guy will come along, blah fricking blah. And the guy came along, he wasn't right and here I am three years later more hurt, broken, and cynical about love/ romance than I ever was before in my life.

Reality says I have bigger issues than being single but all those big things I was dealing with in a relationship seem worse because now I'm dealing alone. Damn it.

Why did he had to be an douche bag and just fuck it all up? (pardon my French but as Daddy-O says sometimes the f-word is the only one that will do). WHY????

Pissed, sad, angry, depressed, lonely, hurt, frustrated, scared, bitter-- all my emotions.

Several things suck other than what I've listed so far:
1- to date means I now have to worry about my appearance at all times. I look about how I did a few years ago but now I have to make sure to dress "right" and be funny, scintillating and all the crap that goes with dating. When I dated in my 20s and 30s, I made sure I was dressed in all the right clothes and even "dressed up" to go to the grocery. I can no longer wear yoga pants and a ball cap to the mall, if I want to be on the hunt for a guy.

2- when did wanting to be married become a bad thing? It's bad I know but who made it bad? Are we still blaming women's lib for this? I thought women's lib meant we could have it all- marriage, family and career. I know in the 90s being married was bad because it was all about the career. Is it still bad to want to be married? Great.

3- He's probably dating as I type this post here on Friday night at 11pm. One thing I "admire" about this Sam is that he believes in love. He does. He might be a prick but he's will to keep dating and dating until he finds the right one. He believes there are more fish in the sea and he'll keep looking for the big kahuna. I think it's brave of him to keep trying. I don't want to try. (It's obviously waaaaaaaaaaaaaaay to soon for either of us to date but I bet he is. I don't know it for a fact or anything but he's the get back on the horse/ bike/ woman sorta guy). I don't WANT to date because I think true love and all that nonsense is just that: nonsense. I'm also slightly jealous he CAN just decide to start dating again. (And super hurt. Trust me on this, I KNOW he's trying to start dating. I was with him for 3 yrs. I do know something things.)

All in all, this sucks.
Mags

At the end of a lonely street called Heartbreak...

I've had my heart broken more times than I can possibly think about in one sitting. Sometimes I think I've had my heart broken more times than I deserve, actually. Some because I make bad man choices and other times when it all seems right, even now after years of reflection, it still doesn't seem to make a lot of sense with some break ups. But I certainly know what heartbreak feels likes; it's not a stranger.

So it was a bittersweet moment with Mac got his first real girlfriend. I knew the odds of her being "the one" for his entire life were slim but on the other hand I was happy that he had a girlfriend. It was his first serious relationship and he is an adult (Okay he's 20 yrs old. By law that's an adult, but it doesn't SEEM like he's an adult!). In my experience with first love comes a first heartbreak, usually, at some point.

She was sweet and he really liked her. They had been just friends for about a year and then started dating. They dated for 4 months (maybe more but I'm not sure when 'friend' became 'girlfriend' since he doesn't live with me any more!).

And yesterday she broke up with him. She was was mean and bitchy about it, according to Mac (I wasn't there to witness this, of course!).

No heartbreak I've ever experienced is like the heartbreak you have in watching your child have his heart broken. First love gone. I feel devastated for him. He flip-flops between mad and sad, angry and "screw her" and wanting to cry to saying "it's no big deal". Deep down I know it's hurting him.

And there's nothing mom can do to make this better. 


Mac's Mom,
Maggie

When you've lost that lovin' feelin'

One of the worst feelings in the world is that empty lonely feeling you have after a break-up, after the end of a relationship.

You spend all the time and work on a relationship, getting to know someone and making plans and thinking it's all going along great and then is goes straight to hell. You end up feeling all tired but not the sort that lets you sleep. You feel all emotionally wrung out and sick of feeling like crap but can't seem to stop. You feel sad and are mourning but for a person who is still alive and walking around. You work and see each other, and then *BAM*, you're all alone and just.... well, alone with all these hours to fill with something.

ITSam and I were together for almost a year. We were shy of the one year mark by 21 days. That's it. 21 days. Though we never married nor lived together, never open a joint bank account, we still have some things to untangle. I loaned him some furniture. He has my cell phone number on his plan. There's the deposit to get back on my engagement ring. He put new tires on my car and sometimes makes 'noise' about wanting me to pay for those. Just things that are hassles, that are complicated, that keep us tethered to each other.

There's more there that bonded us, though. I sing praises about having "me" time to do what I want and time to spend with my friends and family as I see fit but I'd worked hard the last 344 days to entwine our lives together and I feel saddened, maudlin, angry, hurt, and... at loose ends. When we were a couple and I had finally settled down, I knew when I got off work from my weekend job, that most likely I would go to his house and spend the night or he would come to mine and we would watch movies until the wee hours.I liked that (most of the time). I just feel so out of sorts. Now tonight when I get off my weekend job, I'm just going home alone. Again. I have time to do what I want without question but I miss his companionship and it's only been days.

It makes work seem different as well. We always had lunch together since we worked in the same place. He would make excuses to come to the school so he could see me. He would bring me treats, and we would share rides. I would call him to just say "I love you". The kids knew us as a couple as did all the employees so it's not only awkward to explain a break-up but work just doesn't seem the same either. Again, it's only been not quite a week but it still doesn't feel the same.

I already miss being part of a couple. I didn't realize how much I had come to rely on him.

Empty empty empty.... right now that's a good word to describe it.

What's even harder is that I have to see him daily. We work in the same place so if nothing else, our paths will cross in the campus cafeteria but more than likely in other places as well. It's hard to see someone you care for, love even, and know that you have to forget it and move on.

I wonder if I miss the companionship or him specifically or all the above, if I miss having someone to do things with and talk to, and so I wasn't going to be the one who is all alone again.

Maggie

In Like A Lion

Today was not a good day.

1. Mac got 4 days of after school detention for shooting off his mouth and using the word shit
2. I did NOT get the job
3. My car broke down last week and I got the $390 bill today
4. I will not be appoint Princess's guardian in June. Long story. It's nothing she nor I did; It's politics and "the system."

Maggie

Confession time

Okay, so I hate to admit it but I'm going to... I'm a bit messed about over this whole "break up with ITSam" thing.

It's not that I want him back and it's not "if I can't have him no one can" thing either- certainly not that. And I know I was going to probably break it off myself, before he beat me to the punch.

I think it's a few things. One, I went from seeing him every single day to nothing. That's weird. It would be a bit normal to feel a little lonely after all that togetherness, right? Even though at the time I felt a bit smothered it's been almost two week and I still think if we had slowed down I would've been okay. So I think I just miss him because he was a habit, I think. And most of the time I did like spending time with him and having someone to go out with of the opposite sex, to be treated nicely. That was good.

The other thing that has me bummed is that since he's on a dating site and I would assume he's communicating/ dating/ hell, he's probably married to someone by now. What that means is that I wasn't anything special to him at all. I was just a person who gave him attention, that he could tolerate, that filled a void. As Mac said, in summary, was that Sam's drug of choice was not being alone so he would desperately try and hook up with someone. He said, in essence, Sam's addiction was women, but not for sex, but to save him from himself, from being alone. Damn, I have a smart kid. So all that talk of marriage and love and being his one and only was really just that... talk. I wasn't special or the love of his life.

It's just that... it was nice to "feel" that way or to think I was like that.

Everyone kept telling me he was "nice". That was the word used over and over again. And he is nice, but messed up, too. It still doesn't make me feel any better. This proves that nice guys still suck and that I'm just... not worth it. I don't know what I'm trying to say.

I just feel bad about it all.

Maybe it's messing with me that I will probably see him at work tomorrow. I figure he'll try to talk to me, and I'm going to flat out call him on the dating site thing, or he'll ignore me, or worse... he have his new "girlfriend/ date/ fiancee/ wife/whatever she is" pick him up and I'll get to see that, which would suck. Maybe I should warn her. Maybe he'll be mature and just ignore me and not even come that direction. Could I get that lucky?

Maybe it's because the jeweler called and left a voice mail for me (on Thursday afternoon) that my engagement ring was ready to be picked up.

I know that when it comes right down to it, it doesn't matter, he won't change, I'm probably lucky this ended, and I'll be fine going back to being alone again. But right now it doesn't feel fine.

Maggie

I wish it wasn't that easy for me

It’s hard to become good at leaving, but I think I am. I’ve done enough of it in my life. And leaving seems to come easy to me. This isn’t to say that I don’t have connections, but leaving and wanderlust and discontent seem to go hand in hand with leaving.

I taught college, my first teaching job and when I left, it was so sad. The students and faculty gave me a farewell party and said their good-byes. I still miss those kids, those people and that particular job. I felt like I belonged. I miss the camaraderie with my colleagues.

I also left my family and moved to the Wild West. I knew I would be back to see them, but initial good-bye was hard. I left everyone and everything and no matter who you are, me included, or what dream I was following, I couldn’t help but have second thoughts and twinges of guilt.

Leaving doesn’t just mean leaving a place or a job. Leaving is just a parting, a saying good-bye to a person you may or may not ever see again. When my mother died I said good-bye forever. When I left the Wild West, I left kids, my students, who I knew I would never see most of again. When I said good-bye to AlaskaSam in DC many years ago, awash in tears and standing at the airport terminal, watching his limo pull away, I never knew that would be the last time I would see him, so far.

More recently I said good-bye to an old friend, a lover, a possible future… It was in a parking lot, and we kissed and chatted. I was calm on the outside and frantic on the inside that this connection might not last, no matter how much I wanted it. For the first time in a very long time that I can even remember, I didn't want to leave, didn't want to say good-bye, didn't want to break a connection.

But we both got into our automobiles and I drove away first, holding my breath, forcing myself to not look back, willing my fingers to not call Trooper on the cell phone. I drove away, hating that I was so good at leaving.

Maggie

How many times can I break 'til I shatter?

Bet ya'll are kind shocked to find me posting and not all "away from my blog" because I'm with Trooper. Well guess what? I'm here to tell you about the date that didn't happen. And I'm not with Trooper. And I'm not "WITH" Trooper, either. Ya'll get my drift, right? And yeah, this is a long post, but read to the end to get the whole story. Go get food and drink to make this more interesting, preferably chocolate and booze of some sort; a Cosmo if you're feeling "Maggie"!

Ten days went by before that man called me. At first I thought I had another Man Vanishing Act- if you read my old blog you know about the six month relationship that ended when the guy never showed up at my house again and had moved away... With Trooper, I hadn't talked to him, really talked in about 10 days, and the text messages were sporadic and scattered and then faded into non-existence. I figured he was pulling a vanishing act. One week Trooper and I are talking and texting and laughing with each other and have plans for a fabulous weekend together (today would be part of that) and the next thing I know he won't answer an email, the phone, a voice mail, or a text message. Nothing for 10 days until Wednesday night.

FURTHERMORE!!!!! Because I knew he was nervous about dating (apparently I didn't know JUST HOW nervous until Wednesday night) I wasn't gonna write him off even though he pretended I didn't exist for 10 days. He said last week (and a few times before that) he was nervous about dating so I was going to wait and hope he called on Friday and say he would be meeting me in Northern Civilization. And I would've met him and pretended like it wasn't odd I hadn't heard from him for ten days. I would not have given him any grief at all because I would've assumed he figured out whatever was bothering him. If he came to me, then I knew it would all be okay. It didn't work out that way, in case you haven't figured it out yet.

MOREOVER!!! For 10 days I wondered what the hell was going on as the silence stretched around us. I was giving him the benefit of the doubt. He could be... dead. That would be a good reason for him to not call back. Or someone close to him in his family could be dead. Or he could be in the hospital in a coma. Or there could be some sort of natural disaster which knocked out cell service and phone lines and the Internet in the greater Wisconsin area for the last week and a half so he didn't know I've called or texted or emailed. Or someone could've stolen his cell phone, computer and answering machine so he doesn't know how to reach me. Or he could've been in a freak accident and is now blind and deaf. (BTW- according to many Google searches, none of this stuff was true...)

I thought the 'ignoring me' thing could be revenge. Three years ago when Trooper and I first met and when I wasn't very nice to him, I ignored him. I was mean to him on the phone and wrote a nasty blog post about him and then when I calmed down and cooled off, I was really embarrassed and didn't know what to say, thinking if I did call he would chew me out and make me feel worse. And then too much time passed to call and so I never called him, but we found our way back to each other to be friends. But because I did ignore him, I guess this could be his revenge. "Revenge is a dish best served... by absentia"? But that just doesn't seem like him, being mean and spiteful. And I've apologized for the ignoring him thing a million times over and he told me over and over again I was forgiven so it seems strange he would do the same thing to me. (Okay, and he wasn't ignoring me... he was building courage to tell me bad stuff, which you can learn about in more details if you keep reading.)

I thought his silence said: "no I don't want to date you, no I don't want to see you in Northern Civilization this weekend and do all the cool things you had specially planned for me, no I don't want to go to a Colts game with you, and no, really, your friendship means nothing to me, either and I never wanted to stay friends with you even if the romance didn't work which is why I decided to totally ignore you and pretend you no longer exist."

But all these "what ifs", these random thoughts, these wonderings were all for naught because he called. (And because he FINALLY called, he ruined a perfectly good post I'd written about him disappearing. I sent him a copy of it later... yeah, I'm evil.) And the long and the short of it is....Trooper's scared. Of women. Of dating. Of being hurt. Of dating me and having me hurt him. He was hurt so much by his ex that he just isn't sure he can do this, date me, see me, (or any other woman, he says) and he needs some time to think it through and figure out what he wants.

He says there's no one else.

He says I'm great and wonderful and he doesn't deserve me and he's sorry for hurting and disappointing me.

He says it's not me, it's him. (I hate Seinfeld.)

He says he can't give me any answers to the "whys" I have.

I suggested that he at least see me this weekend to decide fairly. I couldn't understand why he wanted to "end" something that hasn't even started. I wanted to know what the difference was between now and when we were together a month ago. He didn't have any answers, just apologies and compliments. I didn't ask for a commitment, or anything serious. I just thought it was a date....................... He said he could't do it, didn't want to lead me on.

I think deep down it might've been easier if he disappeared because then I could be mad at him.

I think deep down he already has some serious feelings for me since we've been friends for years and now he's scared because he knows I'm reciprocating.

I think deep down he so very much wants to do this but doesn't want to risk getting hurt; being alone is a sure way of not being hurt. I can't give him guarantees. But I can wait while he figures it out. Right?

One thing that just drives me batty is the whole "quitting" before we could see if we could date, let alone anything else. Part of me regrets seeing him a month ago. Part of me regrets opening my mouth about having a crush on him. Part of me regrets opening my heart a tiny bit (the regret is huge, the heart was open a tiny bit- needed to explain the modifier rather than re-write the sentence.) Or am I just hurt so I feel regretful?

Okay, so I'm not gonna beat a dead horse here. (Where in the HELL did that horrid expression come from, anyway?) I might post again tomorrow on the concept of trust and why I seem to be lacking some these days. And should he not be a gutless, yeller -bellied, lily livered, coward jerkface and decide to at least give what's left of this weekend a try, I'll fill ya in.

So for 10 days he was trying to sort it out and didn't have any luck. He wasn't ill, infirmed, dead, crippled, suffering from the onslaught of a natural disaster or a smiting from a god or two. He was just scared.

For those of you keeping score, we had two dates. Hell, they weren't even dates- just 2 "whatevers", three years apart (though we had dinner together 3 times in Oct. 2008. Do these count as dates? I bought my own food and drink. I don't think it counts.). Why I thought I was anything special to him is beyond me- obviously I had a HUGE attack of the stupids. I was... am... his friend, I guess. Hey, Trooper and I didn't have anything "extra" special, just the makings of another nothing love story, like everyone else. Nothing special, nothing special, nothing special... I wasn't a Princess and he was no knight. Just turns out instead that I kissed yet another toad.

Oh hell, I don't believe that at all. He is special and I do care for him. And we can have something special and good. It isn't, wasn't, won't be, nothing. He is Prince Charming. I was just ranting because I haven't had enough booze.

He said he was sorry and I was great and all........... He said he needs time but if he can sort it out, a few weeks or months down the road, and he feels he is ready to do this, he would give he and me a shot so maybe I was "special"? Or that's just what guys say when they don't want a girl who wants them?

I know that if he decides he wants to do this, I'm all in. My feelings haven't changed. And since I've been "crushing" on him for many, many months now, if he calls and says, "let's do this, darlin'" I'm in. I gotta.

And Oh great goddess, I so, so, so miss him calling me "darlin'." (Wonder if he could call me at least once a week to just whisper good-night and call me darlin'?)

But in the meantime, my heart hurts a bit.... and I missed seeing him.

Right now I'm done looking for Prince Charming because he's either dead, gay, or will just need killin',
Mags

I love hotels

I really do love hotels. I love to stay in hotels, especially the nice ones. Who doesn't, I know?

Now what brought this on, you may ask? Well, I looked at the calendar and if AII Sam and I had not split up (see, I said split up rather than saying "he dumped me") I would be in Zurich, Switzerland right this very minute, staying in a Hilton or in a Marriott, with privileges to go to the executive dining room, celebrating his birthday which was yesterday. Last week I would've been at his flat in Dublin and next week I would be in... Amsterdam or Paris- also in fab hotels. ::Ahem:: And in reality I'm hanging out here at my Daddy-O's house, cleaning the garage in preparation for the World's Largest Rummage Sale in 2 weeks and tolerating the never ending rain- maybe instead of cleaning the garage I should be building an ark.

So the snide feelings about fact that I should be relaxing in Zurich, in freaking Switzerland, aside, I still love, love, love hotels.

Now I've stayed in some pretty scary motels. When I was driving to the Wild West and I stayed over I was in a pretty scary motel. I got myself in a town with no "name" hotels and had to take a chance on a locally owned place. It was kinda gross. I wore flip-flops in the shower because it was creepy otherwise. Many years ago when I was dating CanadianSam we stayed in a dive in Memphis, TN. The Holiday Inn was under construction and we were in an unusual part of downtown... the room was about the size of about 3 normal sized rooms but the ceiling was so low, Sam had to duck or he would whack his head on it. The bed sagged in the center, there was a a leak in the ceiling in the bathroom, and mold on the sink fixtures. Needless to say, it was a pretty nasty place.

There was a time I stayed in a cheesy 1970's hotel, as I like to think of it. Lots of oranges and browns, shag carpet, tacky paintings, everything bolted to the wall, floor or furniture. The bathroom floor tile was orange and brown. The sink and tub were avocado green while the toilet was white. It stood out like a sore thumb. And the pool area was hilarious- it had murals painted of mermaids and "Atlantis" like scenes on the walls. And Algae growing in the pool water!

We stayed here for about 2 hours- when the cockroaches ran across the the shag carpet and then when the curtains fell from the window, we left. Immediately. This was somewhere in Maine.

My frustrating experience was when I was outside of Minneapolis, MN. I was driving in a huge series of storms. It was the middle of the night and the power was out over most of the state. I was trying to find an exit with a hotel, but in the middle of the night, in the middle of a thunder storm with no power anywhere on the interstate it was easier said than done. I had my mom on the phone looking at places on the Internet trying to tell me at least an exit number since I couldn't even see signs. And the radio was telling people to get off the road and to not pull over since it would be dangerous in the dark storm. Anyway, I found a hotel- a Courtyard by Marriott. I get there about 2am and the power is out. I make my way to the door with my flashlight and they let me in, charged me $101 bucks for the night, even though there was no power in the hotel. I wasn't sure I thought that was fair but it was desperate.

Other than these scary experiences, I have loved staying in hotels. I love the nice hotels the best- well, duh- who doesn't? Oh, I've seen the 48 Hours type of exposes about the nasties of hotel bed spreads and the like, but I don't care. I just really love hotels.

I don't have to do anything. Someone cleans up after me. I sleep and shower and when I come back, the bed is made, the room is cleaned, and there are fresh towels left, along with chocolates on the pillows. I love the Hilton, the Weston and the Marriott the most because I love the bedding. The huge fluffy pillows, the duvet, the crisp fresh sheets.

At these hotels they have Bath and Body Works, or Crabtree and Evelyn products. I love the fluffy towels and full mini bars. I love that nothing is bolted to the floor or wall. I adore that they bring room service on a rolling cart with silver covers on the food. I love the fresh flowers in my room. I think it's fun to have a safe in my room, even though I never have anything worth locking up! (When I was in Milan Sam and I did lock our passports up, though.) Really, I know it all sounds so silly, but I like it all. Amenities- I just love amenities!

And I try and be a nice guest. Even though I have the ability to have room service and maid service, I don't want to be a total slob. I always pile my towels all together in a pile on the bathroom floor. I throw away the wet soaps and wrappers. I try and throw away all my trash, and pull the covers up on the bed. Who wants to come in and clean up after a total and complete slob? I mean, really?

Now these days, almost anyone can have the experience of staying at nice Black Diamond rated hotels with the ability to use priceline.com or other web sites that let a person pay a low price for these visits. And even if you don't stay at an expensive hotel like these, you can still have a nice hotel experience at Holiday Inn Express or Courtyard By Marriott. The hotel industry seems to have realized that it doesn't matter how poor travelers are but they need and deserve a nice place to stay. I like that lots of places let travelers upgrade rooms if they have kids, or offer free meals to people traveling with children.

I also think staying in hotels in big cities is the best because of the accessibility of everything . I love the concierge. I would love to be the concierge at a fancy hotel- how in the world do you land that gig?

One time when I was in Quebec I stayed at a small, very fine hotel, very exclusive place- George Clooney was staying there at the same time I was! It was nice, with people calling me by name, stocking the mini bar with my favorite beverage choices and snacks, and just giving some personal touches.

And I've never stayed in a B and B or a hostel, but I would like to try both at some point. And as I contemplate a possible 30 day stay around Italy (depending on a grant i applied for) this summer I'm thinking of the hotels I won't be able to afford. But I might try couch surfing (check out the concept online, just google it) and that could be something I add to my travel experiences. Who knows?

So, even though I'm not lolly gagging about in one of Europe's premiere cities, celebrating Sam's birthday, and staying in some of the best and most posh hotels around, I can still anticipate the next trip I take and the next time I can be pampered in a hotel.

Could I have a wake up call, please?
Mags

Too "busy" to blog...

Okay, maybe "busy" isn't the right word, but you get the point... *sniff, sniff*