I'm alive

Hi.

I'm Maggie Mae O'Sullivan. I'm still here. I'm still alive.

My life is... insanely boring and sad right now so I've not been blogging.

I need so much that I'm afraid this blog would be nothing but me feeling pathetically sorry for myself.

I'm sorry.

When I find my happy I'll blog again.

Maggie

Part II- reflecting about taking Mac to college

Okay, so it was a good day. The weather held; it didn't rain until around 5:30pm. We had 50 people carry all his crap up to his room. Everyone was nice and helpful. Mac was in good spirits but was nervous. His roommate seemed nice- and right away they figured out they loved the same music. They both have divorced parents so they could understand each other like that. We did a good job of getting stuff for school- we hardly had to buy anything. I was thrilled that I brought XL Twin sheets and Regular Twin sheets so he had the right size, no matter what. His RA was nice and introduced himself and explained the basics to us both. Mac's bed was lofted and a bunch of guys helped him and they were nice. His TV and computer hooked up without a hitch. A bunch of guys came to his room to introduce themselves to Mac, and to me. Student ID's print in 45 seconds, and lines were short. Mac's cell phone has excellent service there. It really was a good day. Really.

It was just strange to leave him there. I did my job as a parent right, I know, because he wanted to be there. He wanted to go. That's what's usually supposed to happen. You have a kid and you raise them and if they want to go to college, you gear everything toward that without being overbearing and you be supportive and then BAM- you find yourself leaving them with 25 strangers in his dorm "hall" and driving away in a borrowed mini-van, crying. Or some variation.

I want him to succeed and do well. Of course I do. What sort of ogre would I be if I didn't want that? I do want him to do well. But I miss him. I wanted him to ask me to stay, or to not go. Or to stand and wave at me as I drove away. But it was like his first day of kindergarten- I dropped him off and he barely closed the car door as he raced up the sidewalk, nary a backward glance. He's been like that always, so I don't know why I thought leaving him at college would be any different. But I still wanted him to stand and look at me.

It's a time of mourning, to a certain extent. You know that? I know what lose is- my mom died a few years ago, so I understand a huge loss to death, and, I have to admit, to a certain extent this feel like that. It's been Mac and me against the world for almost 16 years. Just us. And then there he goes, to start his own life. And things will never be the same again. He won't be coming home again- at least not for good. And no one sends you a sympathy card for this. No one brings a casserole or a noodle salad (Or wine). Instead people joke about it, or talk about empty nest, like it's okay.,

And I know it will be okay. I do.

But right now, my life is a whole different perspective. I never asked for this. I never wanted an empty nest; I can do things with Mac, I always have. I'm used to it. I don't have a husband that I need to "get to know again" like some couples. I don't have a hobby I've neglected. I'm still me, and I'm still Mac's mom, but now Mac is... on his own. And my son is enough of me, he's how I raised him so he will follow his dreams. He's go to college, he'll go to law school, he'll study abroad and probably end up at UC Berkley. I am proud and I do want him to succeed. I do.

But it doesn't make this easier. It doesn't stop me from missing him.

Mac's Mom,
Maggie

Part I: Mac to college

Last Saturday I dropped Mac off at college. Well, I stayed for the day so I'm not sure I should say I just "dropped" him off.

We arrived at campus around 10:30am and we had to do orientation which took about an hour. We also signed all the last minute forms, got his photo ID (which is also a key and his meal plan ticket, and his campus credit card- this is a VERY important document!), his computer sign-in info, and his dorm key.

Then we drove to his dorm. (Mac was soooo nervous, that he didn't want to eat lunch so we skipped it. I was nervous, too, so I didn't care.) He's in an all guys dorm, on the third floor. We were greeted by about 50 smiling, over- caffeinated young people. Their job was to unload our borrowed mini-van full of Mac's stuff. They did- in about 4 minutes. I wasn't even allowed out of the driver's seat. They not only unloaded all his stuff but carried it to the three floors to his room. I then parked and they was escorted by a perky young person to Mac's dorm.

We unpacked- we beat his roommate there so Mac picked the window bed and we had everything almost unpacked by the time Roommate arrived. We all met each other- he seemed nice and so did his mother, godmother, his brother and his sister! We left them alone to sort and unpack and Mac and I went to get his books and roam campus. Then we headed to Wal-Mart with a list of stuff we forgot.

The plan was for me to stay and have dinner and then go to a program for kids and parents, given by the President of the College. We got back and ate dinner- which was a huge picnic for students and their families- which got rained out so about 500 people were crammed into the cafeteria. Mac nor I were very hungry and we picked at the food, and finally went back to his dorm to unpack the Wally World stuff.

When we got back, Roommate was there alone- he's from Chi-Town and his fam had to head back. When Mac found this out, he turned to me and said I could go because everyone talked about how long and boring the President's speech was so I could leave and he would hang with Roommate. Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh...

Okay........?

So he walked me to my car. We said bye. I told him I was proud of him and call if he needed anything. We hugged. I left. I couldn't say anything else. I had this whole, awesome mom speech I was going to give him and I couldn't say a word. I just drove away, waving, looking at him in the mirror as he can back inside the dorm without a glance back.

I cried all the way home.

Mac's mom,
Maggie

In about 14 hours, he's gone

Okay, today has been spent packing up Mac's stuff so he can head to college tomorrow, buying the last minute things I forgot, hanging out with Mac, doing his laundry, packing the borrowed mini-van...

I've only had 2 small minor breakdowns (so far, and neither in front of Mac), and two Xanix.

Please pray for us, for me, for him... I drop him off tomorrow morning between 10-11am.

My baby's going to university. He's flying the nest.

Okay, I can do this. Right? I can.

Oh help....

Mac's mama no matter how old he is,
Maggie

Memory Week

Mac and I were sitting on the porch yesterday morning, talking and laughing about nonsense. Then he was begging me to watch all 6 of the Star Wars movies and I was refusing and he said it was memory week and I should do what he wanted since he would be leaving!

I know he was just joking around, trying to get me to see movies I didn't want to see but it struck a chord.

Memory Week.

Memory Week.

I've wanted to smack Mac most of the last year- his senior year- and have even pondered thoughts of dropping him off at school months early, with a tent so he can stay on the college lawn, for Pete's sake, but it was a reality smack for me at the fact that he leaves in 6 days. 6 days. 6 days.

I've spent the entire 18 years of Mac's life trying to give him wings- yes, a cheesy cliche, but it's so true. But I have. And I want him to fly. He does fly- in 6 days. I can't very well play the weepy mom card now, after I've been trying to teach him to be strong, to achieve success, to be independent, to chase his dreams, to let him know he can be anything, go anywhere.... I can't fall to pieces and beg him to stay home, to move to his college town, to hug him and not stop hugging. I can't do those things, because I can't let him have any more doubts or fears than those that are natural to a kid going to college and leaving home for the first time.

But what if. I'm full of what ifs. What if he fails? What if he succeeds? What if he hates college? What if he loves it? What if he moves away? What if he moves home? What if he.... There's a million of these. I've played the "what if" game before and I know that's bad, bad, bad thing to do, that nothing good can come from it. But I seem to be plagued with the "what ifs."

Memory Week.

Memory Week.

This is memory week.

I've walked around for several days with butterflies in my stomach and my heart knocking in my chest. Knocking to the point where I swear you could see it beat through the skin. And the stomach butterflies are the kind you get in a situation of the total unknown. Not fluttering like a roller coaster or like waiting for a root canal sitting in the dentist chair, but some combination of the two. How can I go all this week with a thudding heart and a fluttering stomach?

I know he's not dead and I know I will see him again. But I won't see him every day. I won't know where he's going with whom. If I'm honest, I'm not completely sure of that now but he tells me he's going with Ryan or Nick or Joe, and I know if I call Ryan or Nick or Joe I could track him down if necessary. I know that each day I will see him. I can see the blue of his eyes, or hear him tell me some outrageous story or utter some preposterous theory or play me some crazy song. I won't know when he's sad or glad.

How do you let someone go that's been your responsibility, your air, your life, for 18 years?

Someone told me I'll mourn. Okay. I'll probably drive Daddy-O nuts over the next few weeks, wonderful about Mac, asking "so, what do you think Mac's doing?" Can I ask him that about a 100 times a day and have him not want to kill me*? It's easier to NOT miss Mac when he's being a jerk or a turd. When he's being sweet and charming and funny, the normal child I've known (until his senior year) then it wrenches at my heart and twists my gut. And next Saturday I have to smile, unpack his stuff, be excited over EVERYTHING, reassure him, and give him a small hug and drive away with a smile when all I really want to do is cry.

Memory week.

Damn memory week. I'm dreading it.

Mac's mom,
Maggie

*(An Aside- and Daddy-O won't want to kill me. I don't want people to think he's a heartless guy. He's let me move away and my brother. He knows the loss of an empty nest and he knows real loss with the loss of his wife, and so he will let me mourn. More than any other person I know, he's known grief and he will never deny me the right to miss my child...)

When you've lost that lovin' feelin'

One of the worst feelings in the world is that empty lonely feeling you have after a break-up, after the end of a relationship.

You spend all the time and work on a relationship, getting to know someone and making plans and thinking it's all going along great and then is goes straight to hell. You end up feeling all tired but not the sort that lets you sleep. You feel all emotionally wrung out and sick of feeling like crap but can't seem to stop. You feel sad and are mourning but for a person who is still alive and walking around. You work and see each other, and then *BAM*, you're all alone and just.... well, alone with all these hours to fill with something.

ITSam and I were together for almost a year. We were shy of the one year mark by 21 days. That's it. 21 days. Though we never married nor lived together, never open a joint bank account, we still have some things to untangle. I loaned him some furniture. He has my cell phone number on his plan. There's the deposit to get back on my engagement ring. He put new tires on my car and sometimes makes 'noise' about wanting me to pay for those. Just things that are hassles, that are complicated, that keep us tethered to each other.

There's more there that bonded us, though. I sing praises about having "me" time to do what I want and time to spend with my friends and family as I see fit but I'd worked hard the last 344 days to entwine our lives together and I feel saddened, maudlin, angry, hurt, and... at loose ends. When we were a couple and I had finally settled down, I knew when I got off work from my weekend job, that most likely I would go to his house and spend the night or he would come to mine and we would watch movies until the wee hours.I liked that (most of the time). I just feel so out of sorts. Now tonight when I get off my weekend job, I'm just going home alone. Again. I have time to do what I want without question but I miss his companionship and it's only been days.

It makes work seem different as well. We always had lunch together since we worked in the same place. He would make excuses to come to the school so he could see me. He would bring me treats, and we would share rides. I would call him to just say "I love you". The kids knew us as a couple as did all the employees so it's not only awkward to explain a break-up but work just doesn't seem the same either. Again, it's only been not quite a week but it still doesn't feel the same.

I already miss being part of a couple. I didn't realize how much I had come to rely on him.

Empty empty empty.... right now that's a good word to describe it.

What's even harder is that I have to see him daily. We work in the same place so if nothing else, our paths will cross in the campus cafeteria but more than likely in other places as well. It's hard to see someone you care for, love even, and know that you have to forget it and move on.

I wonder if I miss the companionship or him specifically or all the above, if I miss having someone to do things with and talk to, and so I wasn't going to be the one who is all alone again.

Maggie

Robin Hoods they are not!

Because of all the change in our building, weird stuff was going on from Christmas to now- weird stuff with our TEACHERS!

When the teachers who were re-assigned to other buildings found out about their impending moves, it was like they gave up. They started cleaning their classrooms back in January and stopped teaching. They took everything off the walls, gave stuff away, cleaned stuff out and boxed stuff up. (at one point, in our copy room, the storage closet of paper had 35 cases of paper in it and all the boxes had been taken and the paper just stacked on the floor.) WTF?!?

I also wanted to point out that the teachers tried to make the library a catch all for all the crap they didn't want and I finally got to the point where I said "no" and it really stunned people. HA! I don't want their crap!

So not only did it seem that educating students halted in these rooms, but so did good manners and commons sense, and following laws. I couldn't believe the stuff teachers were taking with them, that they claimed was "theirs". I don't think our administrators have any idea what belonged to the school, the corporation or the teachers. (those of us who knew what was happening told different administrators and I think in the end, the admin. felt it was easier to let stuff go than fight it, I guess) Digital cameras left the building, along with tons of books, a lat top, a printer, a card reader, among other things. Like they can't get new stuff from their new schools? They're so bitter they have to take stuff? They can justify it because why again?

I find it very sad about how teachers felt the need to steal from our school. Who knows what will be there when school starts again in August?

And what are we trying to teach our delinquent, criminal students? Apparently they rubbed off on the teachers rather than the other way around!

Mags

In Like A Lion

Today was not a good day.

1. Mac got 4 days of after school detention for shooting off his mouth and using the word shit
2. I did NOT get the job
3. My car broke down last week and I got the $390 bill today
4. I will not be appoint Princess's guardian in June. Long story. It's nothing she nor I did; It's politics and "the system."

Maggie

Loss

Over the weekend a house burned to the ground with three teenage children in it. The parents were dragged out by a policeman who tried to go back in for the kids but the heat and smoke and flames were too bad and he just couldn't. When firefighters got to the scene, they had to hold him back from charging in again. The parents are in serious condition and aren't expected to live.

I knew the middle child who was in the 8th grade at my middle school. He wasn't a special ed. kid, but I knew him anyway because I was in a class he was in. The oldest was going to be a senior and the youngest was in upper elementary school. There are few in this community who won't be touched in some way by this tragedy. There's so much to say. The house is on a central thoroughfare here in town and since it happened, a huge memorial has been erected. Flowers, stuffed animals, balloons, cards, candles, letters and such are piled on the tree lawn in front of the house.

I think about how it will affect the kids in this community who knew the three youngsters. I know in the long run that kids are resilient and they will survive this, but in the here and now, I worry about them. I wonder who's helping them grieve. This will be with them forever.

The night before my high school graduation a girl in my class was in a car accident; her brother was driving. She was in a vegetative state for a few months and then died. He later killed himself because he couldn't live with what happened. I wasn't close to her or her brother but here I am 20 years out of high school and I still remember what happened and their names.

The other incident that involved a young person my age that is more deeply burned into my brain happened when I was in junior high school. It was a beautiful Sunday morning. Glorious summer Sunday. I sang in the church choir and a high school boy named Matt sat in front of me. I had crush on him. He was bright, vibrant, full of life. He liked to sing and was into drama and was just so full of life and always happy, and such a talented boy. I kicked my shoes off during the service and he took them and hide them in his choir robe. I had to go through the recessional barefoot. He then tried to tell me I could get my shoes back in exchange for a kiss. But it was at church and he was teasing and I got my shoes.

Then later that afternoon he died. He was killed in an auto accident with his mom. They were on a shopping trip, buying school clothes. They were both killed by a drunk driver who walked away from the crash site. I will never forget Matt. I still remember his young smiling face, his laugh, the silly side; he's forever a young man in my head.

I spent a lot of yesterday praying- to whom I'm not sure, just praying for the parents, for the kids, for the community, for healing and understanding and peace. I guess I'm not much of an atheist.

Last night was a candlelight vigil on the lawn of the home, which is 2 blocks from our house. Daddy-O was out running errands and came home, saying people were walking in droves that direction. ITSam, Jack and I walked over. I've never seen anything like it. It was an impromptu ceremony; the word spread basically through Facebook and text messages, with a few late in the day spots on local radio stations. When we arrived at the house, there were at least 1000 people there. It was quiet. The roads were blocked off for 2 blocks in every direction by local police. People from all walks of life were in attendance and there were kids and adults everywhere. Kids holding each other, crying, standing alone, with a parent, holding hands, all quiet, some crying, some dry eyed.

A minister from the family's church gave a brief talk about the kids who died. He offered places for everyone to go if they needed people to talk to. All the minsters in town have their doors open to anyone who wants to go, regardless of membership. They prayed. A relative spoke. Other than distant traffic, all that could be heard was crying. Kids walked up to me and offered hugs, should pats, and small tight smiles. I was surprised at the number of kids who were there with parents; that pleased me to know they weren't all alone.

The minster talked and people gathered, adults and kids, holding their candles and the quiet settled over. Then at the conclusion, everyone was told they were welcome to stay at long as they wanted. It was quiet; the crowd didn't seem ready to break up. Then a clear woman's voice hovered just above the crowd, singing "Amazing Grace." Her single voice turned into two then three and the song spread through the crowd until the end of the first verse, the entire crowd of 1000 plus people were singing, children and adults alike. A cacophony of voices brought together by one, in grief.

Maybe we should all say a prayer for our own memories, for these kids, for this community, for this family, and for ourselves, for those we all lost, for we all have a story like this one.

Peace,
Maggie