I hate unhappy endings

Relationship shit thoughts continued from yesterday's post:

As of the writing of this post, still no contact. Again, feels like I'm tempting fate even saying that.

Anyway, I'm thinking if I'm still mad 8 days later, that's not a good sign.

I'm thinking if after three years of this fighting bullshit, non-sense we still can't get it right, then we really have no business being together.

I'm thinking if I'm thinking the above 2 thoughts, then we probably REALLY shouldn't be together.

Do I love him? Yes. Can I keep doing this? No.

When we're good, we're amazing. But otherwise, it just sucks. Sucks big time. Mad sucks, hurt sucks. I know long-distance relationships are not easy, even though we have it easier than most since we see each other Thursdays- Sundays every week, and all school holidays and vacations. I know it hasn't been easy because I can't find a full time job that is either a good fit for me or that has health benefits in the capital city where he lives; neither of us dreamed a year later I'd still be commuting. But we are. He thinks it's old and tedious. While I'm not thrilled with the arrangement, it is what it is and I'm trying to change it to the best of my ability, yet to no avail.

Now is decision time. Officially break up? Stay? See if it's fixable one more time?

It's probably at an end. And I hate the end part because it's usually so ugly. I have stuff at his place that I want, and I know ending a three year relationship will involve a conversation or 2, I'm sure. those are never fun.

I hate all that comes with that shit. The eventual fight, the getting of the stuff. Worrying if he's going to be nasty about it or do something revengeful. Then there's the whole being alone again at age 41 years. That's an interesting psychological game in my own head- is staying with the devil you know better than either the devil I don't or being alone, never meeting anyone. the whole "he's not that bad overall" and "when things are good, it's great and we don't fight that much." Those sorts of thoughts. *bangs head on keyboard*

I know I need to make the final decision. And do that needs to happen. I hate that part.

UGH!
Maggie

Scraping the final poop off my shoe, so to speak

• I need to arrange to get my furniture out of ITSam's house. Now. I have to see if I can find a truck and two guys to go with me. And find a place to store it again- Booknut, any space in your garage again or in your storage building, by chance? Please?
  
• I'm stuck in a phone contract with him until January 2012. I have to pay my share of the bill until then or he's going to sue me, apparently. I will pay him on the 15 of each month. I will send him a money order.
  
• I need a new job because I don't want to see him every single damn day at work (and I really want a job with more money and health insurance). He didn't even come in my building yesterday- thankfully. He did, however, change my Internet access status at work. When I was his girlfriend, he gave me unlimited usage and he changed it to like all the other teachers; guess I'm not so special anymore.
• He provided my father with a loaner laptop and I'm waiting to see if he asks for it back; the same with the laptop cord he loaned Mac.
  
• He took my car to get some work done in the winter time and he still hasn't paid that bill. It's not in my name and he hasn't asked for the money. Yet.
• I need to go to the jewelry store and get the deposit back on my engagement ring since I sold my grandmother's diamond toward.
• He recently bought me something from Tiffany's which I returned to him in the intra-mail: box, bag, ribbon and all. Maybe he can get his money back. Or give it to his next girlfriend. He should receive it tomorrow.
  
• He donated some yarn to the Art Club of which I'm a sponsor. I also put it all in a box and mailed it back to him via intra-office email. He should receive it tomorrow.
• He loaned me a computer at work and I have to figure out how to get it to him; I don't want to take it to his office lest he think I'm looking for excuses to see him, which I'm obviously not. Wonder if I could send it via intra-office mail, too?

It's all madness,
Maggie

Well, this certainly sounds like it's over, don't you agree?

The last few weeks, after the huge blow up with ITSam I've been trying to work things out with him. We've been going on dates and just talking. It's like we were starting over again, the best two people can who've dated for almost a year.

I thought it had been going along well. I thought we were having fun. I thought it was going okay. We talked some serious talks but not lots, but just enough to try and sort some things out, to see if things were savable.

Well, apparently things were not going along well for him. He finally, officially, broke up with me tonight. And it was out of the clear blue.

He said he didn't think my heart was in this. He didn't think I was ever going to forgive him. He said he was emotionally invested but didn't feel I was, and he said he thought this would never work. He said I didn't treat him like he was special, that I treated him just like I do everyone else. He also said I never "make" plans with him but I make plans with everyone else so apparently, according to him, I just see him when no one else is available.

He said I don't love him anymore because I don't say it.

I guess I got out of the car when he dropped me off after work tonight and I didn't kiss him good-bye; I just got out of the car. It didn't matter that mac was pissed off, the phone was ringing inside and I could hear it but no one was answering, that it seemed like no one was home because cars were gone but the house was standing wide open, he and I had a fight at lunch about Mac so I was still seething over that, the fact I was distracted and didn't kiss him so I don't care about him and am just trying to be friends. Because I don't treat him special.

He buys me stuff to show me that he thinks I'm special and I just never reciprocate. He pointed out how much money he spent on me in the last two weeks- money I didn't ask for, I would like to point out. (I wrote him a fucking check for $100 for some clothes he got me. It was to make a point. Don't tell me I shouldn't have. If you were there, you would've done the same thing, trust me). He claimed I only want people to know he and I are together when in public not in private, and he just went on and on and on. Somewhere in there he told me he loved me more than I love him AND that he wants to spend all his free time with me and he doesn't want to do things without me because he wants me by his side, making his life better and I make things more fun-- he said. He also said I don't need him nor do I make him feel special since I want to hang out with my family and friends as much as I want to see him. He said he would NEVER leave me at home on a Friday night like I did with him (I took Mac to a movie and dinner, just mom and son time last Friday; so that's bad????).

When we had our huge fight a few weeks ago I suggested he get therapy or at least go back on his anti-depressant. He said he would. Tonight he told me the only reason he needed it was because of his ex-wife being crazy and he's fine now so he doesn't need it and he never told me I need an anti-depressant and some how he compared it to my breasts being saggy and not telling me I need plastic surgery. Yeah. Rat bastard.

And then he dumped me. HE dumped ME after all that because he wants someone who isn't so independent and he knows I "can never be a damn wife like any other woman" (<--- that my dear friends, is a direct quote!) and who will love him like he loves her and wants to be by his side and make plans to do things together and not be treated like an afterthought.

What a lovely Monday evening.

Maggie

When you've lost that lovin' feelin'

One of the worst feelings in the world is that empty lonely feeling you have after a break-up, after the end of a relationship.

You spend all the time and work on a relationship, getting to know someone and making plans and thinking it's all going along great and then is goes straight to hell. You end up feeling all tired but not the sort that lets you sleep. You feel all emotionally wrung out and sick of feeling like crap but can't seem to stop. You feel sad and are mourning but for a person who is still alive and walking around. You work and see each other, and then *BAM*, you're all alone and just.... well, alone with all these hours to fill with something.

ITSam and I were together for almost a year. We were shy of the one year mark by 21 days. That's it. 21 days. Though we never married nor lived together, never open a joint bank account, we still have some things to untangle. I loaned him some furniture. He has my cell phone number on his plan. There's the deposit to get back on my engagement ring. He put new tires on my car and sometimes makes 'noise' about wanting me to pay for those. Just things that are hassles, that are complicated, that keep us tethered to each other.

There's more there that bonded us, though. I sing praises about having "me" time to do what I want and time to spend with my friends and family as I see fit but I'd worked hard the last 344 days to entwine our lives together and I feel saddened, maudlin, angry, hurt, and... at loose ends. When we were a couple and I had finally settled down, I knew when I got off work from my weekend job, that most likely I would go to his house and spend the night or he would come to mine and we would watch movies until the wee hours.I liked that (most of the time). I just feel so out of sorts. Now tonight when I get off my weekend job, I'm just going home alone. Again. I have time to do what I want without question but I miss his companionship and it's only been days.

It makes work seem different as well. We always had lunch together since we worked in the same place. He would make excuses to come to the school so he could see me. He would bring me treats, and we would share rides. I would call him to just say "I love you". The kids knew us as a couple as did all the employees so it's not only awkward to explain a break-up but work just doesn't seem the same either. Again, it's only been not quite a week but it still doesn't feel the same.

I already miss being part of a couple. I didn't realize how much I had come to rely on him.

Empty empty empty.... right now that's a good word to describe it.

What's even harder is that I have to see him daily. We work in the same place so if nothing else, our paths will cross in the campus cafeteria but more than likely in other places as well. It's hard to see someone you care for, love even, and know that you have to forget it and move on.

I wonder if I miss the companionship or him specifically or all the above, if I miss having someone to do things with and talk to, and so I wasn't going to be the one who is all alone again.

Maggie

The Break Up

Yesterday ITSam and I broke up. He dumped me. He felt I wasn't spending enough time with him, which I think is absurd but if that's how he feels, I can't make him feel differently. Well, I guess I could if I said I was sorry and I spent every waking moment with him, which I won't and can't do. I can't do that with anyone. I'm not built like that. When he said he felt like I was pulling away and he kept pushing for me to come back to him, I knew he just didn't get me. I'm not one to be pushed. I've been that way since I was a little kid. The harder someone pushes me, the more I dig in my heels and refuse. As an adult I do it in a classier way, but the stubborn streak is still there. And apparently ITSam doesn't get it.

I'm glad it's over and what's even worse is that I'm glad he broke up with me because otherwise he would tell everyone I'm a terrible, horrible person who dumped him.

What's even worse is that I'm relieved. I'm glad. I feel bad about feeling relieved. I feel bad for him because he so desperately wanted it to work. He wanted me. He loved me more, way more. And we all know what happens in that situation; I know way too well because I'm usually in those shoes.

He does have something to offer a woman but I'm not her. He doesn't seem to appreciate that I'm a strong, independent woman with other friends and family that I enjoy spending time with as well.

There were lots of things wrong and I was thinking as I wanted us to step back and slow down, those things could be better. I was really lying to myself because I knew things couldn't be fixed, the stuff that bothered me about him and about our relationship, weren't fixable things so I knew by slowing down I would eventually pull away and end it.

I don't have to worry about that now, since he dumped me.

What numerologist thought 10-10-10 was supposed to be lucky for love?!? Wait, maybe lucky that I didn't get stuck with someone I don't love? Feh.

Relief,
Maggie

I'm a bit Holly Golightly at the moment...

Holly Golightly: You know those days when you get the mean reds?
Paul: The mean reds, you mean like the blues?
Holly: No. The blues are because you're getting fat and maybe it's been raining too long, you're just sad that's all. The mean reds are horrible. Suddenly you're afraid and you don't know what you're afraid of. Do you ever get that feeling?
Paul: Sure.
Holly Golightly: Well, when I get it the only thing that does any good is to jump in a cab and go to Tiffany's. Calms me down right away. The quietness and the proud look of it; nothing very bad could happen to you there. If I could find a real-life place that'd make me feel like Tiffany's, then - then I'd...

~Breakfast at Tiffany's

"I vant to be alone." ~Greta Garbo, Grand Hotel

"There must be something between us, even if it's only an ocean."
~ Nickie, An Affair to Remember

"If I push too hard it's because I want things to be better, I want us to be better, I want you to be better. ..You'll never find anyone as good for you as I am, to believe in you as much as I do or to love you as much." ~ Katie Morosky, The Way We Were