Saturday, January 3, 2015

Sickness makes me mean

I have been home sick for 6 days and I'm not kidding, I feel as bad today as I did 6 days ago.

I'm hunting for the silver lining but it's really hard. I keep trying to tell myself it's just a cold and I'll be better and it's not fatal that I have to live with forever. That most of it is over a paid holiday from work so I didn't have to take all my PTO time. At least I have insurance now and went to the doctor rather than "wait it out" or sit for 6 hours at the free clinic in hopes of being seen.

But I'm still really down about being sick and not feeling like I'm getting better.

I went to the doc yesterday and I have an ear infection, an upper respiratory infection, and the Rhino Virus. Not even Mac's jokes about rhinos made me feel better, other than a few giggles. I had meds but still feel icky and gross.

I haven't had the energy or the ability to concentrate on anything, which also sucks. I've been at home for 6 days and I haven't finished a book, written a letter or even watched a movie. I move from chair to couch to bed and feel ick. I really hate this. I stare at TV because it's about all I can handle.

Also, I'm thinking mean thoughts and fixating on stuff in my life that I don't like, and try and second guess every choice I'm making. Should I apply for a job in the town where I went to college and move there on my own, thus ending my relationship with TheGuy? I hate this apartment. I hate everything. I'm pissed at Mac.  I guess the silver lining to this is that I'm keeping the hatefulness inside instead of pissing everyone around me off. Stuff I usually ignore or I'm too busy to really "think" about are all thoughts that have swum to the surface of my brain.

I feel so useless and sick. I hate that I've had some paid time off because of NYE/ NYD and I'm sick. Time off with this job is so very precious and valuable but here I am pissing it away because I'm sick. I hate my job so much that I LIVE for days off, look forward to each and every one of our rare 10 paid holidays but here I am spending this with the Rhino virus.

I'm feeling ugly inside and out right now. If I had the money I'd check into a hotel, alone, for the rest of the weekend.

I just want to feel better.... But from reading what I have written here, I think  I have things that need to be better that a z-pak won't cure.



Curley said...

Give the Z-pak a chance to work. Wish I was there to give you a hug and tell you things will get better.

D-nice said...

Saw a friend post this last week that there is a library job open in Tipton! Yep the girl in MT knows where the jobs are...