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Wednesday, January 7, 2009

To hell with love- Valium can build a bridge

I hate bridges. I especially hate the metal bridges, with metal bottoms, that make the "whump whump whump" noise when driven over and have the metal arch over it. I hate bridges that do NOT look sturdy. I hate bridges that are looooong. I hate bridges that have low sides and I can see the water below. I hate bridges that appear to go up hill so tall boats, barges and ships may pass underneath. I hate when all these things are combined together in one bridge crossing experience.

For someone who loves the water as much as I do, I realize it does seem strange to hate bridges. But they scare me. I grew up in a town with a river running smack down the middle of it and I can cross 2 of the three bridges in this town without pause, probably because I've done it all my life, they are short, the fall isn't far, the sides are high and I can't see the water, and they are made of cement and look just like a road- I can fool myself into believing it's just plain old road. even when I travel as a passenger, I shut my eyes and breathe until I'm over the bridges. I just think happy thoughts and don't look. I usually avoid places which have huge, scary bridges that sway, rattle and clank. But...

Which leads me to crossing the bridges on the way home from the Wild West to here in Civilization... Before I left, I knew where I was going to be crossing the Mississippi River, so I googled it. I looked up information and learned about the bridge and I even managed to see pictures. I knew I would be fine because it looked like just a regular, old road, all cement and high sides. I was prepped and I gave myself a pep talk. And after all the snow and wind and the blizzard, it didn't seem like such a big deal. Smooth sailing, I say. It was not a big deal and I just didn't think about it. I just though "road, road, road" and over I went with all the other cars.

However. Because I had to change my plans and divert myself 140 miles out of the way... I had forgotten about the Illinois River. That fucking HUGE river, in some spots..., in a spot where, incidentally I had to cross. And had not prepped for. had not researched.

Who just sticks a river in the way of a person without warning? Like Illinois really needs to boast a river that large? I mean, really? And hasn't that state heard of engineers who could get rid of those metal, antiquated bridges that heave and ho and shudder and groan when 5 million cars are zooming over them at warp speed??????

So, I've just driven in a blizzard for 2 days and I want to come home. I'm stressed and tense enough as it is that I'm finally out of snow and in the flow of rush hour traffic, 6 lanes of flowing traffic mind you, with no exits or no place to stop, pulling a U-Haul, going at Indy 500 speeds when suddenly, in front of me, is a bridge. A huge metal one. That arches up high so BIG boats can go underneath. The kind that shudders and shimmies and shakes and scares me. The kind I avoid at all costs. I would have lived in Iowa before I would have crossed that damn river if I would've known. I would've gone another 140 miles out of my way to not drive over a tall, shaky metal suspension bridge of death had I known. But what could I do?

There was no exit. There was traffic everywhere- 6 lanes. I had to keep going, I couldn't just stop, though I did hit my brakes and slow down and horns sounded all around me. So, I just kept going.

BUT, I shut one eye and I kept saying over and over again, "Don't shut your eyes. Don't shut your eyes. Don't shut your eyes" because the other one wanted to slam shut- all I wanted to do was close my eyes because it was scary. It was like a Pavlovian response- Maggie+ bridges= eyes shut so on top of the bridge fear, I was terrified I was going to close my eyes and drive off the edge and take others with me! I was gripping the steering wheel like a life preserver, hyperventilating, with tears rolling out of my one open eye. Do you *GET* how much I hate bridges? I was sweating and shaking, crying and self blinded because I shut ONE eye, pulling a U-Haul over an ice covered bridge of death, somewhere in fucking Iowa, going 55 mph with the flow of traffic, in a middle lane with no escape route. Can you just get a mental picture? Yeah...

Okay, so I made it across in one piece and I didn't shut my other eye. I didn't die a tragic death in Iowa (OMG that is redundant, if I do say so myself)- and I wasn't even wearing my tiara. If my cold, dead body washed up on the shore, I was sans crown and I was wearing ugly shoes! I knew it wasn't my day to die... I did exit at the first exit I came to, and had to sit for a spell until my heart resumed beating and I could breath again. I wiped the snot from my face and walked around. I went to pee. I felt better. But I seriously think the state of Iowa should do a better job of warning people that there's a huge river and a bridge of death to cross if you want out of the state alive- please Iowa, put this in your tourist literature!

And what made me think of the Bridge of Death in Iowa experience because it sounded like I should have blocked it from my subconscious after rocking in the fetal position, buying new shoes and drinking a calming Starbucks Venti Peppermint Mocha latte? Well... it was my driving test. Yes, friends, the driving test reminded me of this horrifying adventure. I should sue the BMV for PBSD (Post Bridge Stress Disorder).

One of the questions on the test, and she wouldn't give me the test so I can't copy it word for word so I'm paraphrasing here, said something like:

If your car plummets off a bridge and into the murky depths below, what do you do?
a) Use your cell phone and call for help
b) try to escape immediately
c) wait for the car to be completely covered with water, enveloping your car and soul, it will pressurize and then you can pry the window or door open and swim for help if you can take a deep enough breath
d) all of the above

And this is yet another reason I need therapy,
Maggie

Tuesday, January 6, 2009

If I keep laughing like this I won't need an Ab Rocket

Daddy-O, Curley and I spent the day together yesterday and I haven't laughed this much in a loooooong time.

Curley likes to knit and crochet, my dad is an artist and card maker, and I like quilting and scrapbooking, so we had to go to Hobby Lobby and to a fabric store. We had a great time browsing and making fun of weird stuff, like a cannibal African Art sculpture riding a motorcycle- seriously, I mean really?

AND I got another PINK Christmas tree, like a Charlie Brown tree!!!!!!!!!!! It was 80% off so it was $5- and Daddy-O got it for me!!!!! I'm going to decorate it for Valentine's Day so I can leave it up longer! Did I mention it was pink?

Curley, Daddy-O and I laughed all day long, with one silly story or observation after another. They even indulged my need/ want/ desire for Starbucks! We ate at Fazolis. We laughed and laughed (even though I told an inappropriate story about penis pictures and said "shit" a few times in front of her!)

I also have a pattern for a skirt and Curley's gonna see if we can make one for me and maybe teach me how in the process and I could make several! It's a cute flippy skirt and will be perfect for the summer. With cute shoes, or even with flip flops!

To top it off, I even hung with Mac for a little bit. He and I grabbed a coffee and then made fun of people walking around the mall.

So, it was a great day. And I also want to say a special thanks to Curley and Daddy-O for spoiling me with the goodies- OMG, Curley got me shoe paper and sticky notes and a tiara headband!!!! With SE-quins!!!!!! (Pictures will be forthcoming!) and silly string- adore silly string, even though Daddy-O said I canNOT use it in the house or car!!!! And some other little goodies- thank you both! And thanks for such a fun day and being wonderful people

Kissies,
Maggie

Monday, January 5, 2009

Can I have a ride?

I lived in the Wild West for almost 3 years and I never got a driver's license from there... yeah, I know, I know.

But, my Civilization license expired on my birthday, so I have been driving on an illegal license for several months. In my defense, I didn't know it expired on my birthday in 2008; I legitimately thought I it expired in 2009.

Now, all that being said, one of the first things I wanted to do when I got home was get my ass to the BMV so I could renew it. But I had to wait until I received mail at my new address.

I get my mail, my Social Security card, and my old license and bebop down to the BMV. I had a book and a coffee- I laid in supplies for the long wait. I walk in the door and lo and behold I am the only person in there, other than 6 employees. And when is the last time you've seen happy BMV workers? They were happy- or at least no longer bored because I was a living, breathing person other than themselves.

I happen to get a clerk I'll call Dolly because she wanted to be Dolly Parton. At least I think she did by the hair. Her big hair. That same Dolly color- well, parts of it were the Dolly color. The fake super curly clip piece was the Dolly color and could've been purchased as a gen-u-ine Dolly Parton hairdo from Dollywood Gift Shoppe. Her original color was a sort of blond with smoke yellow highlights... But she seemed NICE!

She wasn't super bright either... but she was NICE! So I take a seat, give her my mail with my new address, my SS card, my old license (with the super CUTE picture of me!), and she smiles at me. I smile at her. She taps in the computer and then she frowns at me. I frown.

Dolly: "You have points on you're license."
Me: "Oh."
Dolly: "There are 6."
Me: "Oh."
Dolly: "You have to take the test."
Me: "What? Oh shit, are you kidding?" Uh, yes, I said Oh shit at the BMV. Loudly.
Dolly: *giggles* "Hunny" she said this and patted my hand- "Hunny, it's not so hard. I work here and almost failed, though."

I have test anxiety. I about stroked out right there in the middle of the BMV. What if I failed? I hadn't studied! I'm a teacher; I would never allow a person to take a test who didn't study! And I think I blurted that out because the next thing I know, Dolly is printing a test for me and telling me if I fail, I can come back and take it as many times as I want until I pass- it's free. Was that supposed to make me feel better? It didn't.

I take my test to the testing nook, under the watchful eye of Dolly, after being told I am NOT ALLOWED TO USE MY CELL PHONE while taking a test- what, did they think I would phone a friend? I read the directions- I could miss 6 written questions and 2 signs, and still pass. Six?!? If I missed 3 signs or more, I automatically failed. If I missed 7 written or more, I automatically failed. Well, that's reassuring, isn't it? I was not feeling BMV love, or Dolly love. But she sat behind her desk, smiling encouragingly, and doing a twiddle finger wave at me.

Like a good test taker, I read through all the questions first, I knew I had no time limit so I could take my time, I was breathing deeply and I found the answer key attached to the back of the test. Oh great. The answer key. now- I had the Good Angel in Manolos and the Bad Angel in Payless Pumps yakking in each ear... Manolos won and I gave Dolly the answers back- but it would've been really easy for me to NOT have done that!

So, I take the test and sweat. I'm thankful she didn't tell me I had to go to defensive driving school or take the driving part of my test. At question 8 I thought defensive driving school might not be so bad. At question 13 I thought I might be able to bribe a person who would be giving me the driving test. At question 22 I was ready to cry. At question 28 I was wondering if Daddy-O would loan me his bicycle. At question 32, I was plotting the murder of Sheriff Deputy Sam in the Wild West who gave me all the damn tickets that caused the points, and at question 37 I decided driving was overrated, walking would be good for me, and that the people who wrote this test knew nothing about test writing at all- obviously they were not educators and they probably thought No Child Left behind was good legislation. And the signs- a plain, empty circle? I was really thankful for multiple choice.

During the 37 minutes it took me to take the test, in came 26 people and the computers went down. I had no idea what would happen since the computers were down. but lucky me, they came back on just as I went back to Dolly. I took that as a good sign that I would pass!

She graded my test and I missed 1 sign. A picture of a truck with a slash through it doesn't mean "trucks are bad"; it means unloading or something like that... I missed 2 on the written part. How many feet are you supposed to stay behind a car at night and keep your dims on- feet? FEET? I had no idea- I guessed poorly. The other one I missed was another feet/ yards question. I was just thrilled that I passed! Dolly told me I was brilliant! Well, you know... what can I say? Whew!!! I passed... Then she made me take another test- the eye test. I was practically hyperventilating at this point... I thought after all this, I wouldn't be able to see! But alas, I can drive, as long as I do it with glasses or contacts, which I've had as a restriction since I was 16 years old.

Next, I had to get my license picture. This was interesting because with the whole identify theft of people sweeping the nation, we are now basically having mug shots taken. I realize I have committed some criminal acts in the past *Please Trooper, don't take me in!* but I've never yet been arrested and after seeing my new picture, I never want to be! And my old picture was soooo cute! Anyway, I had to take my glasses off, and pull my hair off my forehead. I wasn't allowed to smile largely and no showing of teeth and I couldn't cock my head to the right like I'm prone to do in all my pictures. Yup- I'm sporting a Civilization license that resembles a mug shot. I knew I was too cute for prison...

It was an ordeal. I was overwhelmed. Something I thought would be easy turned into a situation that came out well! I sport a 6 year license, I'm a donor, I look like a criminal and I'm ready to drive- all for a mere $26.

Did I mention my Mocha Latte got cold during all of this? No wonder people hate the BMV!

Stay off the roads,
Maggie

Sunday, January 4, 2009

Satchels and Shoes- another Vera...


Hecate gave me this beautiful Vera Bradley bag for Christmas. She said since I officially live back in Civilization I need one. This is a stunner and I love the warm browns and pinks with the basket weave pattern- it's gorgeous! Thank you Hecate! And since I like to be casual, I got a new pair of brown lace ups. They're Sketcher knock offs called Mojos. Shoe Carnival specials for $16. I had a pair similar to these that I officially killed last week; I stepped into a puddle and had a wet sock, so that made it officially time for a new pair; these fit the need, the price, and the foot.

In Shoes we Trust,
Maggie

Saturday, January 3, 2009

Year in review and preview

1. Drinking buddy of the year
Hmmmmmmmm, well... I usually drank alone... or with no one special...

2. Lifetime Service Award (longest friend)
Hecate!!!!!!!!

3. Newcomer Award (newest friend)
Philsgirl!!!! WOW!!!

4. High Point of the Year
Daddy-O visiting me in the Wild West or moving back to Civilization...

5. Low Point of the Year
Mac dying his hair black, missing my friend D-Nice's wedding and not having a job since I moved back to Civilization

6. Best Holiday
Christmas!

7. Your Song for the Year
“Home” by Michael Buble

8. Movie of the Year
A tie — Mamma Mia and The Dark Knight.

9. Most Memorable Moment of the Year
Directing a school play in the Wild West with kids I hadn't worked with before- they were so FUNNY!

10. Best Laugh of the Year
There are good laughs almost everyday… I really can’t remember just one!

11. Whom did you spend Valentines with?
I don't do Valentine's Day...

12. Best Relationship
I was cultivating a great relationship with my students... and on a personal level, with my friend Philsgirl and Hecate... and more recently with my niece, Littlebit!!!

13. What were you for Halloween?
A modern day, Hippie Snow White- I even had 7 Dwarfs!

14. Restaurant of the Year
In Civilization I can eat at Casa's again- thank the goddess!

15. Book of the Year
The Other Boleyn Girl or Lucy

16. Best Decision Made This Year
I think it was moving back to Civilization, but I'll let you know...

17. What are your plans for next year?
Find a job, travel, get laid

18. TV Show of the Year
Grey's Anatomy

19. Most Loyal Friends
Hecate, Philsgirl, Bookqueen, and my family!

20. Biggest Change of the Year
Did I mention I moved across the country, 2000 miles, back home?

21. Biggest Influence Award
My former boss, HBIC, who showed me what I do NOT want to be

22. New Year’s Resolution
I refuse to make one because I have zero willpower and won't follow through

23. Things I’m looking forward to in 2009
Employment, insurance, living in the historic district, $$$$$, buying shit, sex

24. Things I hope to accomplish by the end of 2009
Employment, insurance, living in the historic district, $$$$$, buying shit, sex, travel

Meme-ly yours,
Maggie

Friday, January 2, 2009

Fate? Or better titled: The gods are fuckin' with me

I thought when I left the Wild West I wouldn't be teaching again- at least not for awhile. I thought I might take a break or do something different...

I called an old friend tonight to see how he and his wife were doing and they were thrilled to hear from me. We made plans to meet tomorrow evening, and through the basic course of "catch up" conversation... I found out he works for an institution of higher learning- and he is in charge of hiring all the adjunct faculty. And wants a copy of my resume... And I'm supposed to bring it with me to his house tomorrow when I get together with he and his family...

I think my dogma was just run over by my karma,
Maggie

Thursday, January 1, 2009

Live from Madam Tussauds Wax Museum...

...is Dick Clark's New Year's Rockin' Eve! Okay, did anyone else think the man looked like a wax figure? His upper lip never moved. It was frightening. Someone told me he was sick earlier this year, that maybe he had a stroke or something, but in the name of fat happy Buddha, that was darn scary! I thought he looked like a talking wax figure. Or like a dude who was wearing one of those rubber masks in the form of Dick Clark...

That weirdness aside, I had a nice, quiet New Year's Eve. I took myself to a movie- Marley & Me- and then I came home, ate a cheese sandwich and watched tv, and read. At 7 pm EST, Irish Sam called to wish me a Happy New Year, the 5 hour time difference you see. Irish Sam and the lads were kicking around a football and were quite pissed- that means drunk, not angry, in irish speak, I guess. He gushed a Happy New Year and made kissy sounds into the phone, which left me giggling hystirically. (Today's email had him inquiring if he made a total arse of himself and was he a total wanker on the phone??? Damn, I just love his accent and his lingo!) As for the rest of the night, I just hung out by myself, which was good. Daddy-O went to a party and I had the house to myself.

I was glad that I shut my cell phone off when I went to bed because at 2 am my time, and midnight in the Wild West, I had a flurry of phone calls and text messages from kids and a Sam from there. That was fun to wake up to this morning!

Daddy-O and I spent the day in northern Civilization going to Hobby Lobby and Micheal's, both of which are craft stores. Hobby Lobby had 66% off of all Christmas items- I was thinking about pink ornaments. We also ate dinner and just chilled out. It was nice. Did I mention there was a trip to Starbucks in there?

Hope you all rang in the new year in a safe and fun way!

In vow to resolution break,
Maggie