Single again is something I never, ever thought I'd be at age 41, staring at age 42. It sucks and I really, really hate it.
I do not want to date again. I don't Before the last Sam I went 471 days without dating. I was fine. Or I at least got myself to a place where I was tolerating my life. Then I met and and for the last 3 years it wasn't easy but I actually thought we had made progress and did well and I honestly thought we could get married. Buy a house. Take trips. Do married stuff. I didn't figure I'd been single again unless he dies first and I was a widow which is an entirely different sort of single.
The single I am now is yet another long-term monogamous relationship that failed.
I hate the idea of having to put myself out there and frankly I don't plan on it.
I said this before and everyone said the typical cliches about fish in the sea, someone for everyone, the right guy will come along, blah fricking blah. And the guy came along, he wasn't right and here I am three years later more hurt, broken, and cynical about love/ romance than I ever was before in my life.
Reality says I have bigger issues than being single but all those big things I was dealing with in a relationship seem worse because now I'm dealing alone. Damn it.
Why did he had to be an douche bag and just fuck it all up? (pardon my French but as Daddy-O says sometimes the f-word is the only one that will do). WHY????
Pissed, sad, angry, depressed, lonely, hurt, frustrated, scared, bitter-- all my emotions.
Several things suck other than what I've listed so far:
1- to date means I now have to worry about my appearance at all times. I look about how I did a few years ago but now I have to make sure to dress "right" and be funny, scintillating and all the crap that goes with dating. When I dated in my 20s and 30s, I made sure I was dressed in all the right clothes and even "dressed up" to go to the grocery. I can no longer wear yoga pants and a ball cap to the mall, if I want to be on the hunt for a guy.
2- when did wanting to be married become a bad thing? It's bad I know but who made it bad? Are we still blaming women's lib for this? I thought women's lib meant we could have it all- marriage, family and career. I know in the 90s being married was bad because it was all about the career. Is it still bad to want to be married? Great.
3- He's probably dating as I type this post here on Friday night at 11pm. One thing I "admire" about this Sam is that he believes in love. He does. He might be a prick but he's will to keep dating and dating until he finds the right one. He believes there are more fish in the sea and he'll keep looking for the big kahuna. I think it's brave of him to keep trying. I don't want to try. (It's obviously waaaaaaaaaaaaaaay to soon for either of us to date but I bet he is. I don't know it for a fact or anything but he's the get back on the horse/ bike/ woman sorta guy). I don't WANT to date because I think true love and all that nonsense is just that: nonsense. I'm also slightly jealous he CAN just decide to start dating again. (And super hurt. Trust me on this, I KNOW he's trying to start dating. I was with him for 3 yrs. I do know something things.)
All in all, this sucks.
Mags
Showing posts with label men suck. Show all posts
Showing posts with label men suck. Show all posts
Friday, July 12, 2013
Sunday, June 23, 2013
I hate unhappy endings
Relationship shit thoughts continued from yesterday's post:
As of the writing of this post, still no contact. Again, feels like I'm tempting fate even saying that.
Anyway, I'm thinking if I'm still mad 8 days later, that's not a good sign.
I'm thinking if after three years of this fighting bullshit, non-sense we still can't get it right, then we really have no business being together.
I'm thinking if I'm thinking the above 2 thoughts, then we probably REALLY shouldn't be together.
Do I love him? Yes. Can I keep doing this? No.
When we're good, we're amazing. But otherwise, it just sucks. Sucks big time. Mad sucks, hurt sucks. I know long-distance relationships are not easy, even though we have it easier than most since we see each other Thursdays- Sundays every week, and all school holidays and vacations. I know it hasn't been easy because I can't find a full time job that is either a good fit for me or that has health benefits in the capital city where he lives; neither of us dreamed a year later I'd still be commuting. But we are. He thinks it's old and tedious. While I'm not thrilled with the arrangement, it is what it is and I'm trying to change it to the best of my ability, yet to no avail.
Now is decision time. Officially break up? Stay? See if it's fixable one more time?
It's probably at an end. And I hate the end part because it's usually so ugly. I have stuff at his place that I want, and I know ending a three year relationship will involve a conversation or 2, I'm sure. those are never fun.
I hate all that comes with that shit. The eventual fight, the getting of the stuff. Worrying if he's going to be nasty about it or do something revengeful. Then there's the whole being alone again at age 41 years. That's an interesting psychological game in my own head- is staying with the devil you know better than either the devil I don't or being alone, never meeting anyone. the whole "he's not that bad overall" and "when things are good, it's great and we don't fight that much." Those sorts of thoughts. *bangs head on keyboard*
I know I need to make the final decision. And do that needs to happen. I hate that part.
UGH!
Maggie
As of the writing of this post, still no contact. Again, feels like I'm tempting fate even saying that.
Anyway, I'm thinking if I'm still mad 8 days later, that's not a good sign.
I'm thinking if after three years of this fighting bullshit, non-sense we still can't get it right, then we really have no business being together.
I'm thinking if I'm thinking the above 2 thoughts, then we probably REALLY shouldn't be together.
Do I love him? Yes. Can I keep doing this? No.
When we're good, we're amazing. But otherwise, it just sucks. Sucks big time. Mad sucks, hurt sucks. I know long-distance relationships are not easy, even though we have it easier than most since we see each other Thursdays- Sundays every week, and all school holidays and vacations. I know it hasn't been easy because I can't find a full time job that is either a good fit for me or that has health benefits in the capital city where he lives; neither of us dreamed a year later I'd still be commuting. But we are. He thinks it's old and tedious. While I'm not thrilled with the arrangement, it is what it is and I'm trying to change it to the best of my ability, yet to no avail.
Now is decision time. Officially break up? Stay? See if it's fixable one more time?
It's probably at an end. And I hate the end part because it's usually so ugly. I have stuff at his place that I want, and I know ending a three year relationship will involve a conversation or 2, I'm sure. those are never fun.
I hate all that comes with that shit. The eventual fight, the getting of the stuff. Worrying if he's going to be nasty about it or do something revengeful. Then there's the whole being alone again at age 41 years. That's an interesting psychological game in my own head- is staying with the devil you know better than either the devil I don't or being alone, never meeting anyone. the whole "he's not that bad overall" and "when things are good, it's great and we don't fight that much." Those sorts of thoughts. *bangs head on keyboard*
I know I need to make the final decision. And do that needs to happen. I hate that part.
UGH!
Maggie
Saturday, June 22, 2013
First rule of fight club is "don't talk about fight club"; I'm a rule breaker
I've dated a guy on and off for the last three years. Actually it will be off and on for 3 years at the end of this month. When it's been "off" it's usually very off and when on, it's like the adult equivalent to "candy-land" or like Disney Land or something.
Then last Sunday this Sam got all pissed off over something stupid. It really was something stupid. I said I'd call at a specific time and didn't. I was busy and I forgot. I know that's terrible but I did. I didn't forget HIM, I just forgot to call at an agreed upon time. Then he called me an hour later, and without thinking I said I had forgotten and explained what distracted me. He "seemed" slightly irritated and maybe a tiny bit hurt but we talked like normal and all seemed well.
Until 3 hours later when he called and unloaded everything single thing on his mind that he felt was wrong with our relationship and with me.
I was pissed. Usually, I'm sad or hurt and apologetic (I don't know why... we can analyze that later) and those feelings get in the way but this time I was pissed. I'll spare you all the gory details, mainly because it's stupid and a long drawn out "he said then I said" non-sense. Bottom line,t his time I was pissed as Hell and I let him know it. And I let him have it.
I do not understand why, if someone is in a romantic, serious relationship and have an argument they have to do the following:
So, I was mad and just spewed. I didn't try to be the compromise-r or the peacemaker or the great communicator. I didn't try to mediate. (You may wonder how I can mediate a disagreement I'm in. Example: in a past fight with him I've actually said things like "Remember, we've agreed to not call names", "Use 'I' statements instead of 'you'" or "Be constructive and not purposely hurtful". Oh yeah, I said that shit.) I just sank to his level and said what was on my mind. It ended with him hanging up on me. I went to bed.
Monday night he called to try and talk and I was still pissed. And let him know it in no uncertain terms. I have no idea if he wanted to see if I settled into my normal routine so he could be pissy or if he wanted to apologize but I was still mad. I was pissed over the stupidness of the fight in the first place, over what he said, over the CONTENT of the fight, and pissed at him & myself over at how I've behaved in the past. He sort of apologized which I didn't feel was good enough.
Tuesday we sent pissy emails back and forth during the day. He said the fight of was his fault and I let him know it was and continued to pummel him with my same message of the last 2 nights- of WHY I was pissed. I used lots of capital letters. I half expected another long drawn out phone call that night and was exhausted at the mere thought. (I wanted to make sure I didn't acquiesce just because I was exhausted over it all.) WELL!! Not to worry!
Since those nasty emails we exchanged on Tuesday, I've not heard from him. (I'm almost afraid to type that here because it's like tempting fate or poking the bear with a stick.) At all. 5.5 days. And I'm okay with that.
No this silence can't last, I'm sure. The thing is, I don't want to talk. I'm still PISSED. I mean, really REALLY still pissed. I'm shocked. I'm not someone who usually is mad for a long time. Really. If I lose my temper at all, it's usually a quick flare, then I feel terrible about being mad and then have to fix it.I don't hold grudges. But still one week post fight, heading into day 8, I am mad still. Fed up. Angry.
That is not a good sign.
My Photographer friend says when he and I are good, we are excellent and when we're in a bad place, it's usually pretty bad, and it's usually his fault.
I don't know. That's it for now. I'll keep everyone posted.
GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Maggie the Mad
Then last Sunday this Sam got all pissed off over something stupid. It really was something stupid. I said I'd call at a specific time and didn't. I was busy and I forgot. I know that's terrible but I did. I didn't forget HIM, I just forgot to call at an agreed upon time. Then he called me an hour later, and without thinking I said I had forgotten and explained what distracted me. He "seemed" slightly irritated and maybe a tiny bit hurt but we talked like normal and all seemed well.
Until 3 hours later when he called and unloaded everything single thing on his mind that he felt was wrong with our relationship and with me.
I was pissed. Usually, I'm sad or hurt and apologetic (I don't know why... we can analyze that later) and those feelings get in the way but this time I was pissed. I'll spare you all the gory details, mainly because it's stupid and a long drawn out "he said then I said" non-sense. Bottom line,t his time I was pissed as Hell and I let him know it. And I let him have it.
I do not understand why, if someone is in a romantic, serious relationship and have an argument they have to do the following:
- bring up shit that had nothing to do with the issue at hand
- lie (or say one thing a month ago but come to find out you never felt that way and are telling me now)
- bring up things that you resent and that have nothing to do with the issue at hand
- answer a question with a question
- pick the fight and then try to blame the other person for it
- talk in circles to avoid speaking of your own feelings
- character assassination
So, I was mad and just spewed. I didn't try to be the compromise-r or the peacemaker or the great communicator. I didn't try to mediate. (You may wonder how I can mediate a disagreement I'm in. Example: in a past fight with him I've actually said things like "Remember, we've agreed to not call names", "Use 'I' statements instead of 'you'" or "Be constructive and not purposely hurtful". Oh yeah, I said that shit.) I just sank to his level and said what was on my mind. It ended with him hanging up on me. I went to bed.
Monday night he called to try and talk and I was still pissed. And let him know it in no uncertain terms. I have no idea if he wanted to see if I settled into my normal routine so he could be pissy or if he wanted to apologize but I was still mad. I was pissed over the stupidness of the fight in the first place, over what he said, over the CONTENT of the fight, and pissed at him & myself over at how I've behaved in the past. He sort of apologized which I didn't feel was good enough.
Tuesday we sent pissy emails back and forth during the day. He said the fight of was his fault and I let him know it was and continued to pummel him with my same message of the last 2 nights- of WHY I was pissed. I used lots of capital letters. I half expected another long drawn out phone call that night and was exhausted at the mere thought. (I wanted to make sure I didn't acquiesce just because I was exhausted over it all.) WELL!! Not to worry!
Since those nasty emails we exchanged on Tuesday, I've not heard from him. (I'm almost afraid to type that here because it's like tempting fate or poking the bear with a stick.) At all. 5.5 days. And I'm okay with that.
No this silence can't last, I'm sure. The thing is, I don't want to talk. I'm still PISSED. I mean, really REALLY still pissed. I'm shocked. I'm not someone who usually is mad for a long time. Really. If I lose my temper at all, it's usually a quick flare, then I feel terrible about being mad and then have to fix it.I don't hold grudges. But still one week post fight, heading into day 8, I am mad still. Fed up. Angry.
That is not a good sign.
My Photographer friend says when he and I are good, we are excellent and when we're in a bad place, it's usually pretty bad, and it's usually his fault.
I don't know. That's it for now. I'll keep everyone posted.
GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Maggie the Mad
Tuesday, May 8, 2012
Why can't good stuff all happen at once?
Sometimes life is just going to suck. That's all there is to it. I wish, just for once, I could get all the good things happening at once. I can get all bad stuff coming down on me at one time but I can't seem to manage all the good things simultaneously.
I'm losing weight right now- that's a good thing.
I like work- that's a good thing.
I have some money in my savings account- a good thing.
Mac is an asshole- bad. And there's nothing I can do to fix it- also bad. And it's going to probably result in him getting kicked out of the house- REALLY bad.
Still a poor paying job with no insurance- bad
A bone spur that will need an operation to be removed- bad
And the guy I was dating and I are no longer dating (he doesn't like the long distance thing, wants me to move there NOW and decided he wants to date other people)- also a bad thing. And a sad thing.
Sometimes Tuesdays suck
Mags
I'm losing weight right now- that's a good thing.
I like work- that's a good thing.
I have some money in my savings account- a good thing.
Mac is an asshole- bad. And there's nothing I can do to fix it- also bad. And it's going to probably result in him getting kicked out of the house- REALLY bad.
Still a poor paying job with no insurance- bad
A bone spur that will need an operation to be removed- bad
And the guy I was dating and I are no longer dating (he doesn't like the long distance thing, wants me to move there NOW and decided he wants to date other people)- also a bad thing. And a sad thing.
Sometimes Tuesdays suck
Mags
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