What's in a name?

Since my brother and his wife are expecting a baby in June, the naming of said baby is always a fun topic of discussion. (even my friends and I are "naming" their baby, even if they aren't around! Though if we come up with good names, I send my suggestions to my sister-in-law. Not that I expect them to listen to me, but my sis-in-law is polite in giving me an ear and never tells me she thinks the names are stupid, which I greatly appreciate it.)

But when talking about names for the baby, we always come around to what Hollywood Couples are naming their kids and I think celebrities are idiots. XRayGirl and I came to this conclusion. The evidence?

Seriously, I always hear what some famous person named their kid and my brain says, "What in the hell were these idiots thinking?" Just because they are famous doesn't give them liberty to name their children stupid things. I am so tired of famous people doing stupid things and this is an example that will haunt their children for the rest of their lives. For pete's sake.

Gwyneth (Paltrow) and Chris Martin (lead singer of Coldplay) had a baby and named him Moses. Now there is nothing wrong with the name Moses if you are spiritual or religious or leading people out of a country or parting a sea... but, come one, these are the same people who named their daughter Apple! Some examples of the idiot Hollywood elite who so obviously lack naming skills are:

• Indiana and August- parent -Casey Affleck
• Coco- Courtney Cox's kid
• Ireland (Kim Basinger and Alec Baldwin)- she is a girl, by they way, since the name is not gender indicative.
  
• -Zowie (David Bowie) this is a boy and I appreciate good alliteration and a rhyme scheme; note I said "GOOD"
• Ocean, True and Sonnet - these are Forest Whitaker's kids and I have no idea on gender; I see therapy in their future...
• Pilot Inspektor Lee, son of Jason Lee and Beth Riesgraf. This has got to be in the top 2 of the dumbest baby names in the world or in the history of naming babies. I think they should be been drug tested before being able to name the child; any drugs in the system and the baby should have a mandatory name of John or Jane.
• Audio Science Clayton, son of Shannyn Sossaman and Dallas Clayton. This has got to be in the top 2 dumbest baby names in the world or in the history of naming babies. 'Nuff said!
• Crumpet Cohen, daughter of Lisa Vidal and Jay Cohen. After a British pastry. WTF?

I only have one child and his name is normal. We know that his real name isn't Mac but it's a derivative from his middle name, but according to people who know him say he has a "normal" name; a good Irish name, but a normal name. If I would've had a girl she would be Isabella Grace. I consider that name to be MINE in the family until I hit menopause, just in case. I will probably never have another child- good Lord willing (and since I've practicing abstinence right now with no prospects, well... you know), but I do like the idea of naming kids.

So I've come up with the perfect new job for me. I think the Hollywood couples who are going to pick STUPID names, should hire me to name their kids. I would do a good job, and the world would not have any more kids call Audio or Crumpet or Inspektor.

Maggie

A rose by any other name would... stink.

I am so glad that when I was pregnant for Mac many moons ago that I wasn't teaching. I cannot imagine trying to name a child now, with all the kids that have gone through my classroom. For those of you in education or who work with kids in any capacity, you're sitting there nodding your head, knowing exactly what I'm talking about. For those of you not, here's the deal: there are so many kids who are pains in the arse, kids ya just don't like, that you don't want to saddle your off spring with that same name to be constantly reminded of the kids you hated (or "tremendously disliked").

I know my child naming years are behind me and I'm thankful for that because there are a slew of perfectly nice, strong, lovable names attached to demon seed little brats so I could never name my child any of those. Take Jennifer. Nice and traditional, right? And yes, I could list about 10 Jennifers who are nice people. However, I know one Jennifer who was a slut with a capital SLUT, and she had a mean spirit so now matter how many nice Jennifers there are in the world, they cannot cancel out the Jennifer the Whore.

I could never have a Trevor either. I had a student Trevor who used the "N" word like I drink coffee. And the other "Trevor" I had spit on me. And the third "Trevor" I had was a gay snob who had his mommy yell at ME when he didn't turn in his homework. For 7 week. In a row. Even though I called her once a week to tell her this. So no Trevors.

I would also have to cross off Angel (Drama Queen), Nate and Eli (both racists), Hope (lying conniving little bitch), Toby (might as well hang a sign on him that says "I'm fat and play the tuba"), Sergio (arrogant prick), Marie (she was a stripper and one of my former college students) Kayla (she was so evil we teachers called her 'Rasputin'), and Lance (dumb, dumb, and just dumb). And crossing off Eli and Hope really upsets me because I really liked those names.... until. See, you get my drift.

If you ever meet someone with an unusual name, you might ask them if one of their parents is a teacher, or works with kids. It's safer to go with something a bit odd because otherwise you want to smack your poor kid named Blake just because of a Blake from school shot snot on the kid in front of him. (Uh, no Blakes for me either. Or Reese.) So if you meet a Lennox, Landon, Harrison, Jackson, Cerissa, Amelia, or a Helene the odds are good that one or both of their parents are teachers.

One of the teacher's I see on a regular basis is having a baby and she and her husband are both teachers. They found out they're going to have a boy partly because they needed to get a jump start on names. And her husband teaches in an "prison like school" setting so it sort of doubles the amount of names you never want your kid to have. "Gee, I just love the name Lori except I'll always think of the girl Lori who shanked her math teacher." She said she and her hubby have a list and are working on narrowing it.

I also know I could never name any of my sons the following: Michael, Kyle, Joe, Eric, Brian, Clayton, Randy, Chris, Robert, Sean, Tom, or Dean; I dated and/or had sex with men by those names and it didn't always turn out real well.

And my final comment on names: you can always tell what movies, music and TV shows (especially soap operas) were popular about 13-15 years ago, as students pass through my classroom doors. This year there seems to be so many Devons, Joshs, Blakes, Justins, and Makaylas you can't swing a dead cat without hitting a kid by those names. (What movies, rock bands or soap operas had these characters?)

Just in case, though, I keep hoping that I don't meet any Isabelles or Harpers 'cause if something ever went drastically wrong in my uterus and I was put in charge of naming a little tyke, these are my options. Unless a new middle schooler who is really the spawn of Satan shows up as an Isabelle or a Haprer; then it would be back to the drawing board.

What's in a name,
Maggie

An aside: Had my parents gone through with it, I would've been Sara Martha at birth... thank goddess leveler heads prevailed.