My own version of 'characters welcome'

I've decided to sell my furniture. I'm a nomad and nomads don't own furniture, right? And I'm poor and broke and need the money, right?

So I put an ad in the paper to advertise my sofa, Lazy Boy, a small bookcase, an antique cabinet, bedroom suite with queen mattress and box springs, a pie cabinet, and a 3 piece dining room set. The ad ran this morning in our small town local paper today for the first time.

By tonight, everything is sold except for the bedroom furniture... but at what cost to me?

The first woman who called and showed up (when I gave her my address) told me all about how she needed to find a couch and chair for her soon to be ex husband- she referred to him as "Daddy"- who couldn't keep it in his pants. (I do not know why she told me this, or why she was trying to set up housekeeping for her soon to be ex. She is a hillbilly and is getting di-vorced in her 50s so.... who knows?) And she babysits for her granddaughter who rips things up and who's mom "isn't right in the head." She called her other daughter to come over and look at the rest of the stuff

She bought the pie cabinet.

The daughter arrives with her 2 kids, one who is Autistic and doesn't walk or talk yet and is almost 5 years old while her other boy is 3 and far surpasses his brother, other than his fetish for shoes. She was going to buy the couch and chair for her ex husband, because you see, they dated for 2 years, married for 14 years and separated for 2 years, because he was having mental issues. She loves him but with their son he was too hard to handle when he has an "episode". He doesn't have a dining table or chairs or a couch but she wasn't sure if she should buy it until she talked to him.

She bought a bookcase.

I'm leaving the house when a guy saunters up and asks me if I had furniture. Turns out he's the ex- husband of the first lady. He's found God (wonder if that was before or after he couldn't keep it in his pants?) and wanted to know if I too have found God and I told him we just don't want to go there. He wanted to know if I was from "up north here" or if I was a Hillbilly, too. I told him I was born and raised here in Civilization but my mom's folks were Hillbillies. So I guess that made me okay. He wanted to know if I could bake biscuits and, as a matter of fact I can, using my great grandmother's recipe to boot, and then he proceeded to tell me how to make perfect sausage gravy.

He bought the Lazy Boy recliner, the sofa and dining set.

Two women showed up to look at the bedroom furniture. Madge's son was in the Navy for 27 years and worked at the post office. Madge's husband said he would divorce her if she came home with any more stuff and she tried to buy the lawnmower my dad uses each week! She knew my mom, come to find out, and feels soooooo bad about her "passing". She also cleans my Grandmother Shrew's church. Her friend Penny was along and Penny hates thunderstorms. She wanted to buy pots and pans since she didn't think her kids would buy them for her for Mother's Day.

She bought the antique cabinet and a random lamp I had sitting around.

Now, I have no IDEA why people tell me this shit. I smile and nod politely and answer their questions about my stuff which leads to these stories... I had no idea that selling furniture would be so... involved. I feel like I should put these people on my Christmas card list.

There was a couple who called that wanted the couch but it was already sold, but I was curious what their stories would be!

And my ad is running 2 more days.... wonder who else will crawl out of the woodwork?

Hey, at least I got a gravy recipe out of it!
Maggie