Redneck Moving, Inc.

For whatever reason, Daddy-O and Mac thought it would be a "GREAT" idea to unload my U-Haul yesterday afternoon, after we opened all the presents. I have no idea why- because we were all there? Because the weather was supposed to be icky today and at least yesterday it was just cold but sunny? Because they wanted to just keep opening stuff? Because they are insane? I have no idea why, but that's what we sent out to do on that cold Christmas day.

First, Daddy-O's garage is on a corner alley. So we had to somehow back the U-Haul into his driveway, while maneuvering around bushes, felled trees covered in ice, Verizon telephone boxes and a telephone pole. And for those of you who have never had the pleasure of backing up a U-Haul attached to car, well.... it's akin to backing a submarine, pulled by a Pinto, down.... say... Madison Ave during rush hour- easy as pie, right?

Did I mention that said alley is COVERED in solid ice? Did I mention that Daddy-O's drive way is on a downhill incline and this slope was also covered in ice? Didn't I mention that important piece of information before the 4 of us idiots decided to do this? (4= Daddy-O, Mac, Guard & Me)

So after about 30 minutes of attempting to back the U-Haul unsuccessfully into the driveway because we couldn't get the right angle to back in because of all the aforementioned abjects were in the way, the guys decided to unhitch it and they were going to just push it up by the garage. I think this is a B-A-D idea in all capital letters, but the testosterone level won. They unhitched it and tried to move it but it was too heavy. Duh- it was weighted top to bottom, front to back with my STUFF! Including about 25 boxes of books and a 7 foot tall solid oak bookcase and 4 cartons of shoes and 3 cartons of purses... this was not LIGHT in weight.

So Daddy-O is kneeling beside the hitch part and Guard is circling the U-Haul and says "Maybe we can push it" and taps the side. And it starts to SLIDE down the slope, toward the garage. Daddy-O grabs the hitch and screams something like "Stop, stop stop" and then realizing he can't stop this at all "Shut the garage door before it hits my new car!!!!!!!!!" Daddy-O, while screaming this helpful bit of information, is clinging to the hitch thingy and being dragged down the driveway slope on his knees. Mac and Guard run over and grab the trailer and somehow they manage to stop it before it crashes into the new car. I'm in the garage laughin so hard I about pee myself. I have to go in and use the facilities and try to re-gain my composure. And thaw the frozen tears on my face from my hysterical laughter.

Upon my return, I find that all are fine, except for the knees in Daddy-O's jeans, which have seen better days than being pulled 6 feet on an icy slope... So we unload the U-Haul. Daddy-O crawls inside to hand boxes and stuff to us. We take out the last thing and Daddy-O comes scooting out. Now, do you recall the U-Haul is not hitched to anything, is balanced precariously on ice and made with 2 wheels in it's center? So Daddy-O slides to the end to crawl out. Oh, did I forget to mention that it's now empty so the whole thing TIPS forward sending Daddy-O sprawling face first. Guard grabs the hitch thingy and rights the U-Haul and Daddy-O is once again okay after coming about 2 inches from a faceplant on the ice covered drive way.

Now someone told me to drive my car back around to the front of the house. I did. So in our infinite wisdom, instead of getting the car, we decide to push the empty U-Haul up the ice covered drive way slope to the car. hey, it's empty and light now, so no worries right?

Actually, we did pull/ push it to the car without another mishap, but just get the visual image in your head for a moment, shall you? Mac, who is now an Emo teen, is pulling the U-Haul, while Guard, Daddy-O and I are all pushing. Down an alley. Toward a car. Redneck movers: we would get there a lot faster if we hitched it to the car instead of pushing it. Don't wanna leave stuff behind now, do we? "You might be a Redneck if your car runs out of gas and you push your U-Haul to its destination rather than call for a tow."

I got the giggles so badly that I know I was no help at all. At least it's empty and we can return it today.

Take a lesson from me, and the next time you have to move, hire people, but just not us!

One of the new members of the now 4 Stooges,
Maggie